Good Bastards Jokes
Little Paddy
Paddy came home from school one day and found his grand dad sitting on the porch with nothing on below the waist. "Hey grandad what’s the go? You don’t have any daks on?" Granddad just kept staring out into the vast blue beyond. "Hey granddad what’s going on here?" This time grandad heard him and replied. "Well I suppose I can tell you, this was your grandmas idea, I was sitting out here last week with no shirt on and got a stiff neck?" |
Complacent Bastard
Ernie married an attractive vivacious extremely sexy blonde call Slinky. She found out too late that Ernie was no good in the cot. So she lugs him off to the doctor and lays out her problem to the obliging doc.
Now the doc was quite taken with the horny look of Slinky, and thought. "Silly lucky bastard, I could cop a go at this."
So he tells Ernie what is expected of a married man, Ernie shrugs complacently.
"Look Ernie, I’ll show you how to do it. Professionally speaking of course."
So the doc proceeds to ravish Slinky on the couch in a lustful encounter.
After he is finished, he relaxes, lies back and lights up a cigarette and says to Ernie, "Now Ern, that’s what has to happen at least ten times a month."
"Oh ok." Responds Ernie, " But do I have to come and watch each time?"
How to stop smoking in bed
Buy a waterbed and fill it with petrol.
Tell Tale Bastard
Gordy heads off to church and goes to confession.
"Father, I have sinned sexually 87 times this month."
"Who was this with my son?"
"With my wife."
"That’s not a sin, my son."
" I know, but I had to tell someone."
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It's just the way it is There were four people called anybody, nobody, everybody and somebody. There was this important job to be done and everybody thought somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, bit nobody did. Somebody got angry with this because it was everybody's job. Everybody thought anybody could do it, but nobody realised that everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that everybody blamed somebody when nobody did what anybody could have done. |
Understanding Bastard
Doug and Bert came home to Doug’s house one day only to find Doug’s missus in bed with another Bloke.
Doug goes into the kitchen and he makes a cup of coffe for him and Bert and they sit down at the Kitchen table.
Nothing is said about the goings on in the bedroom. Finally this gets too much for Bert and he says.
"What about the bloke in the bedroom Doug?"
"Stuff him, he can get his own coffee"
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Bloody Leo Bloody Leo: I’m thinking of entering the big dick competition down at
the pub. Later that night Bloody Leo comes home from the pub with a grin on his usually grumpy countenance. Katie: You bastard, you went into the competition. |
Observant Bastard
A bloke goes into a bar and is immediately struck by a lady with the tightest slacks he has ever seen
After 30 or 40 beers he plucks up enough courage to go over and talk to her.
"How do you get into those pant?"
"Well you could start by buying me a drink."
Hooter
Hooter finished up in the cot with this rather promiscuous girl. They had a night of wild lovemaking, then suddenly it occurred to Hoot that they hadn’t used any protection, so he asked,
"What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?"
"I would jump out of a 15 story window," she replied.
"Such a doll." Hoot replied.
Hard Done By Bastar
Alan the Publican served a man who was sitting all forlorn at the end of the bar slowly getting sloshed.
"What’s the problem? Asked the congenial Al."
"My mother died in June and left me $10 000."
"Gee that’s sad, sorry to here it."
"Then in July my Father died and left me $50 000."
"Sthewth, two parents in two months, that’s really tough."
"Then last month my aunt died and left me $15 000."
"Three close family members in three months, how sad."
"Then this month nothing."
Breeding Bastard
"Doc, I need a hysterectomy"
"Now Mary your 86 and that’s not necessary at your age."
"Yes it tis, doc I have 47 grand children and that’s enough."
Revengeful Bastard
Brownie stuck his head over the fence and saw his neighbour digging a hole.
"What are you digging the hole for Blackie?"
"Burying me cat."
"That’s an awful big hole for a cat."
"Its inside your Alsatian."
Good Bastards Butchery
Please to meet you, meat to please you.
Good Bastard Breakfast menu
When we first got married we ate toast, then we lost the recipe.
Good Bastards Holiday
I’ve got two weeks too live, my wife’s in Surfers
The Good Bastard Question
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is YES.
Good Bastard Youth Formula
I asked the doctor how I could look younger.
He said try hanging around with older women.
The Good Bastard Marriage Vows
They got married for better or worse.
He couldn’t have done
better,
and she couldn’t have done worse.
Poor Good Bastards
When I was ten, we were so poor that my folk bought half a cake and put five candles on it and then put it in front of the mirror
Good Bastards Bumper Sticker
To all you virgins ---- Thanks for nothing.
Good Bastards New Book
Its called woman are from Venus, men are wrong.
Good Bastard safe driving tip
Before the drink driving laws killed off the public bar trade. The big tip on how to drive home when you were a bit pissed and were a bit tired and you sdidn’t want to go to sleep, was to put your finger in the cigarette lighter.
The Good Bastard Boxer
The Good Bastard Bill the Boxer was in the ring with a very tough opponent at the Rooty Hill RSL club in Sydney. Valiant as he was, he coped one on the snorter that had him looking straight up while he rested on the canvass.
The trainer yelled. "Don’t get up until eight, don’t get up until eight."
Boxer Bill replied "What time is it now."
The Good Bastard Scottish Athlete
Jock Sporran, the famous Scottish athlete went to the world champs in Athens.
While he was there he went to a Bordello and asked for Soula. He gave for $200 for quite a pleasant encounter.
The next night he returned, another $200, another pleasant rendezvous.
The third night he is back, again $200, again a good night.
Fourth night, 200 bucks, smiles all round.
The fifth night, no sign of him much to Soula’s disappointment. So the next day she rang his Hotel to see if he was coming that day.
Ock nah, I’ve finished what I came here to do and I’m off back to Glasgow. I know your uncle there. He gave me $800 to give to you.
Rich Good Bastard
A player with the New Castle Knights in Sydney retired with $750 000.00.
The media interviewed him and praised him on his prudence. The reporter asked, "How did you actually do it?"
"Well my uncle died and left me $749 500 and I got a $500 tax rebate."
Good Bastards Stowaway
A bloke was walking along the deck and he heard a noise in one of the Life Boats. He looked in and saw a young lady who had set up camp there with her backpack and sleeping bag.
"What are you doing there?" Asked the bloke.
The lass decided she would come clean and tell him. He looked a helpful sort of a chap.
"I’m a stowaway." She told him.
"Where are you heading?"
"South America." She replied.
"What are you doing for food?"
"The first mate is screwing me, and he keeps me in food."
"He’s screwing you alright, this is the Manley Ferry."
Good Bastard Grave Dweller
Curly was visiting his mates grave in Ballart with some flowers and was intrigued to see a Chinese man sprinkling rice around the grave.
"What are you doing mate, leaving a feed for your mate to pop up and have a midnight snack?"
"Yes." Replied the Chinese man with out missing a beat. He will pop up at the same time your mate rises to smell the flowers.
Value Hunting Good Bastard
Dusty was not prone to words, so when his wife died he went to the local scandal sheet and placed an ad that said. "Shirley Died."
The clerk replied that he was allowed five words as the minimum ad.
So he added. Holden for sale.
Good Bastard lawyer
The pope arrived at the pearly gates on the same cloud as a lawyer. The lawyer was issued to a penthouse with great views, furnished with the most magnificent furniture.
The Pope was ushered to a small room with a radio as the only luxury.
"How come I only get this and the Lawyer cops the beautiful penthouse?"
"Well." Said Saint Peter. "We have over a hundred popes up here, but that’s the first lawyer."
Lucky Good Bastard
Clarry and his mate Porky made this pact, who ever died first they would try and make contact with each other from the other side.
Clarry was sadly killed in a tractor accident and was duly buried and sent on his way.
About three months later Porky was sitting under a tree pondering the fate of his mate, when this strange calm came over him and this voice said to him.
"Porky, it’s Clarry. Can you hear me?"
"Yes I can hear you." Replied Porky who added. "What’s it like there?"
"Well I got up this morning has twelve screws, then had a feed and a bit of a rest. Then I woke up and made love eight more times and now I’m just getting ready to have a go at sixteen more absolute beauties."
"Geez, Heaven sure sounds like a great place Clarry."
"Oh I’m not in Heaven Pork, I’m a rabbit just outside Wagga Wagga."
Priorities Right Bastard
Barry went to this cricket match that was to decide who would get the ashes between the Poms and Aussie.
He was allowed in and told there were no seats but seeing he came from Oz they would let him in. If he could find a seat he could have it.
He looks around and spies a prime seat empty in the stand.
He goes up to the bloke sitting next to it and asks. "Excuse me mate is that seat available?"
"You’re in luck mate, it’s my misuses and she couldn’t make it."
Bazza took up the pew and remarked. "I sure am lucky, it’s a wonder you couldn’t have given it too one of your mates!"
"No mate, they’re all at the wife’s funeral."
Good Bastard Diner
Cliff and his ball and chain were having diner in a posh restaurant. When the bill came Cliff counted out his money and said.
"Geez, I’ve got just the right money, so I can’t give you a tip."
"Let me add up your bill again sir." Said the waiter.
Good Bastard Husband
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is?
A Widow.
Deaf Good Bastard
"Doc I can’t hear anything"
"Let me have a look in your ear, Mmmmmmm, here is the problem. You have a suppository in your ear." Shouts the doc in the patient’s ear.
"Thank God for that, now where is my hearing aid?"
Good Bastard Call Up
Ten years ago, Paul willed his body to science. Then Yesterday they rang up and said they want it tomorrow.
Good Bastards Name
"How did you get such an unique name?"
"Well when I was born, Mum took one look at me and said; ‘what will we call him?’ Dad had a look and said; ‘Quits."
Good Bastard Thought
How come you never see a woman with DAD tattooed on her arm?
Good Bastards Golf
"Mate, when I play golf I have more hits the Elvis."
Good Bastard Blind Date
I had this blind date, she was a shocker, a bit like Yasser Arafat with a pony tail.
Good Bastard Blind Date
She said, "I had a blind date and he had a head on him like a squashed open tin of spagettie."
A fair question
Little Johnny asked his mum, "Where do babies come from?"
"From the stork of course his mum replies."
"But who roots the Stork?"
 Last Update: 25/09/2002 Original Design by Capt'n Jack Javascript used with permission. |
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