|
Tuesday |
|
|
Dedicated to fixing up political correctness. |
|
|
Email this Page to a Friend Make Good Bastards your Homepage |
|
|
Brought to you for your drinking pleasure
by GOOD BASTARDS BEER If it’s not a Good Bastard, you’re drinking the wrong beer |
| Share the secret, GOOD BASTARDS is not only good, it's good for you ! |
Coming
to you from somewhere you'd like to be but aren't likely to get to go to.
(Secret Good Bastards Location)
Thought for the day: "Do you suppose
the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."
PRINT
VERSION
For those wishing to print out the
news. Click on Archives and you will find
this edition as well as previous. It is
the best place to print from
Welcome
to 2005
  |
Mind you we are still dragging a few, who are screaming and kicking,
out of 1999 who refuse to let go of the way it was. I might be one of them.
Good
Bastard Of the Year 2004
W D (Bill) Skelton
M.B.E.
On Good Bastards Day 2004 W D Skelton was awarded Good Bastard of the Year at The Wellington Race Club Meeting held at Fielding due to the track at Trentham being a bit damp.
On the day “The Hynds Pipe Systems Good Bastards
Gold Cup” was also held. Bill had a horse called “Him a Gotta Go” in the prestigious
event. It ran a gallant race for second to Gold Medalists Mark Todds “Zegna”
who took home the Hynds Pipes Good Bastards Gold Cup.
Good Bastard Gerry Morris made the presentation live on Trackside to the legendary
Jockey. A special thank you to Gerry in his fine efforts in bringing all this
together.
The names of the Skelton brothers Errol, David Bob and Bill are synonymous with horseracing in New Zealand. Bill Hailing from Cobden on the West Coast Bill began as an apprentice jockey at the age of 13 and rode his first winner, at Wingatui, at the age of 15 (it was a dead-heat). For the next four decades, Skelton was at or near the top of his profession. He was champion jockey on seven occasions and he was outside the top four of the premiership for only four seasons between 1947 and 1979. Skelton rode a record 124 winners in the 1967-68 season and in May 1980 became the first New Zealand jockey to ride 2000 winners (he finished his career with 2179). Skelton also rode with success in South Africa, Japan, Singapore, Malaysia and Hong Kong.
Heres to you Bill, you truly are a Good
Bastard and most worthy of the award.
| Stake: $8000 Track: Firm Weather: Fine |
|||
| # Name | Jockey/Driver/Trainer | Win | Place |
| 9 Zegna | Paul Taylor | 5.45 | 2.00 |
| 2 Him A Gotta Go | Darryl Bradley | 1.65 | |
| 8 Star O’The Ball | Lisa Cropp | 1.75 | |
| Bet Type | Runners | Dividend | |
| Quinella | 2, 9 | 10.00 | |
| Trifecta | 9:2:8 | 58.30 | |
| ALSO RAN: 5-Aotearoa Star-Daniel Bothamley(a3) (3.4L), 1-Charles Atlas-Bruce Herd (3.5L), 10-Turtle Creek-Thomas Russell (3.6L), 6-Hometownboy-Jade Rogers (4.9L), 3-Rusty-Renee Fraser (a2) (8.2L), 4-Another Prince-Vanessa Johnston(a2) (8.7L), 7-Oregon Bay-Mark Barnsley (12L), Note: Numbers shown are the distance from winner in lengths. |
|||
The numbers for the trifecta are 928, wasn’t that a Porsche?
Get Ready...
Good
Bastards Rugby - The Bleedingslow Cup
The tour to the Gold Coast of the not so rich and famous
The Good Bastards Rugby Club is hosting this inaugural event on the Gold Coast
over the weekend of the 19th 20th and 21st of August 2005.
We are calling on nominations from over 35 teams to come along and be part
of the fun.
Click here for the registration form
Your teams not coming but you want to
You don’t have to be a team as we will be putting together a team called the “Good Bastards Ring in’s” those poor waif and stray good bastards that just want to have a game and enjoy the fun
And not only that we invite those other poor good bastards who want to be part
of it and say stuff it I’m knackered, can’t play, won’t play, wife won’t let
me or whatever you too want to be part of it all.
Get on the mailing list, get registered or get rooted paddy@goodbastards.com
Good Bastards Day 2005 Huge Success
Tuesday the 2nd of November went off like the call girls bloomers on the nose of the space shuttle. Heres an overview of what went on.
The
Good Bastards Masters Golf Tournament.
Paddy, Billy Black and Steve Bennet kick off for the
more relaxed game of Good Bastards Golf
The Good Bastards Golf gained momentum with not only a great tournament of the
silly sticks version, The actual game of Good Bastards Golf went well and was
won by some bastard, either Steve Bennet or Billy Black. If it was me, I would
have remembered and if it was Billy he would have told me.
And no one told me or if they did I was pissed at the time, who won the division where they played with the stupid sticks and ridiculously small ball.
The Green Jacket was not presented this year account of someone forgot to buy one.
The prize money of several hundred dollars was reinvested on the Melbourne
Cup and dividends were achieved, again no one can remember how much as it probably
went on the bar.
Wedding Cake
Ranfurly Seat
Canterbury Good Bastards “ring in’s”
Billy Black and David Brennan feeling the pressure
For the second year the Ranfurly seat was won by “The West Coast” This highly
entertaining over 35 Rugby game was played on Cass Square (home of the Wild
Food Festival)
Scotty Williams and Don Bailey headed up a depleted side which was aided by Good Bastards from all over the place.
Scotty put a huge amount of work to get a team together and had a great response, I guess some chickened out with the challenge.
The keg of Good Bastards Beer on the side line was a welcome stopping point and may have kept one or two from playing while on the other side of the coin one or two might have played as a result of having one or two.
Tenyrate, “the Seat” stayed on the West Coast as a result of a vote in the pub afterwards.
The whole thing worked due to Scotty and Don from Christchurch and Billy Millar and Leighton from the Kokatahi Hotel from the Republic of the West Coast
Commiserations to Good Bastards Bob Watson of “You’ll
Say WOW Carpet Cleaning” from Ch Ch who pulled a hammy and couldn’t
clean a carpet for over a week. Give him a call and have him on about it when
you next book in your carpet clean on 0800 729 969
"Everything on
your resume was a lie,
I like that. Welcome to sales!"
The Good Bastards Dunny
Cart Race
Four Dunny Carts in
the Grand Final
The Office, Kokatahi Hotel, Good Bastards, Hynds Pipes
We got the nod from the coppers to do it, plus Murray Marsh from Coastwide Surveys put in the traffic plan and got all the approvals and then at about three o’clock seven dunny carts did the mad dash around the streets of Hokitika. We did two heats and then the top four dunnied off to find a winner.
The Line up was:
BP Kaniere
Ridden by Harry Collet
Excavator World
Ridden by … will let you know later
West Coast Times
Ridden by Grant Simons and xxxx
The Office
Ridden by Billy Millar
Kokatahi Hotel
Ridden by Leighton
Good Bastards
Ridden By Paddy Sweeney
Hynds Pipes
Ridden by the lightest bloke in the company and pulled and pushed
by
the blokes with the longest legs you have ever seen.
Hynds Pipes won, Good Bastards was second, and The Office was brown nosing it for third and The Kokatahi Hotel held up the rear guard. ( Don Rash was on board, so I don’t know if that had any bearing on it.
My many thanks to Graham Alexander and his worthy crew for building the Good
Bastards Dunny Cart.
THE
WINNER
The Hynds Pipe Extremely
fast and sporty dunny cart
(The space shuttle wouldn’t have beaten it)
The
Truth
WHY DO WE SPEND 9 MONTHS
STRUGGLING TO GET OUT
AND THE REST OF OUR LIVES
TRYING TO GET BACK IN?
Billy Blacks Dancing and Talking Pig,
Don Rash, from the Show getting in the limelight at the footy
I suppose Good Bastards Day got underway with the Good Bastards Show
on the Monday night at the Regent theatre.
The whole idea of the Good Bastards Show was to do something entirely different when it comes to theatres entertainment. I think we accomplished that.
Centre Stage we had a bright yellow Good Bastards Bar and a few kegs of Good Bastards Beer. Also there was a Bar B Que and a heap of great sausages donated by Westmeats. You know that mob with the great meat just north of Hokitika. (Best T Bones I’ve ever had) Bernie Preston donated a heap of Bread and Tim Teen fronted up as Barman and chief cook.
On one side of the stage was “The Black Velvet Band: New Zealand’s Top Irish Band and didn’t they belt out some great music.
In between tunes various Good Bastards were invited up on the stage to have a few beers, a sausage or two and a bit of a yarn.
We also had Paddy Blanchfields non farting pickled onions available.
The Good Bastards invited onto the stage though they were a bit special!!! Pigs bum, they were there to truck a few beers, sausages and pickled onions out to the audience.
Everyone got as many beers and sausages and pickled onions as they could eat as well as some great entertainment.
We even did a re-enactment of Helen Clark calling the West Coasters Ferals and she didn’t come off all that well this time around.
“The Lost Tribe of Jackson’s Bay” the new Good Bastards Book was launched and we also threw in a half time which every buggar was invited onto the stage for a beer.
After smoko we got into the main attraction “Billy Black and his Kiwi culture Show”
That was an enormous hit, billy chopped sheared, hypnotised sheep, split posts, cross cut logs and told some great stories. He had everyone spell bound.
He had his performing dancing talking Pig ‘The Honourable Don Brash’ who thrilled everyone with his antics.
If you ever have a chance to see him and you don’t you’re nuts.
To get the word out there we put together a suppliment
in the three West Coast News Papers. A big thank to the advertisors that supported
us in this.
Click here to see the brilliant work of the folk
at the Grey Star, Hokitika Times and West Coast Messenger.
Good Bastards Day Suppliment
A big thank you to the following good bastards for their support. Pick at leat
one of them and do some business with them.
Greenfield Motors: Kerry Heveldt, Car sales, and Rental and
Mini Bus Hire
Southland Hotel: Great food, accomidation and bloody good bars.
Topp Services: Daryl Topp, All things heating
Miners Brewery: Alan Absalom, Good Bastards Beer
Hutchison Panel Beating: Gary Hutchison, "Lord Of The
Dings"
Hokitika Glass: Barry Wilson: Great Gifts and ideas with Glass.
Prestons Bakery: Bernie Preston: Great food, great smoko, great
place for a feed of whitebait.
Tasman Tyres: All your Tyre needs, safe and secure.
Bev Connors Solicitor: Sell the house, sell the business sue
the bad bastards.
Excavator World: Bruce Smith: All bits for diggers and similar
at far better than new prices.
Happy Kea Resturant (Franz Josef) Rick and Janine, Great food,
great coffee
Hokitika Electrical: Fix and instal anything electrical, Good
sparky bastards
McCrostie Real Estate: Ross Levett. Buy or sell your piece
of paradise on the West Coast
Aratuna Friegtways: Durham and the boys, These guys can move
anything form anywhere to someplace else.
AMP Insurance: Kieth Barrow and Lynette McIntosh and Peter
Cornish
Kokatahi Hotel: Leighton and Jenny. Great place for a few beers,
great meals, peaceful country pub.
West Coast Rugby Union: Go to the footy, support the Good Bastards
that play for the Coast.
Westland Farm Products: We've save the best for last. All things
farms and very sharp fuel prices
Check out their ads and phone numbers in the suppliment.
Southland Hotel changes hands
Well the Southland Hotel, which has, along with Pat Condon’s Hut, been dubbed as the original home of Good Bastards has changed hands.
After being in the Teen/O’Connor families for 126 years it was put up for sale and group of local business folk from Hokitika bought the old dear.
We thank the Teens, and there is a heap of them, for their great support of the last 126 years. And wish them all the very best in their varied journeys from here.
And a big welcome to the new owners in their venture in taking
the Hotel on to and what ever direction they choose to direct it.
Heres to ya and Good Luck with the venture
World
Masters Rugby Join up and see what’s happening around the world in over thirty five rugby.
While Rugby Dan is a Good Bastard this is not a Good Bastards site, just one
that we whole heartedly endorse. Go to http://sports.groups.yahoo.com/group/worldmastersrugby/ Ginger Connors is the President of what we reckon is the most
successful country racing club in New Zealand possibly the world. He has a team of dedicated folk making him look good and between them they
run a bloody good show. With the anticipation of the Good Bastards Dunny Cart Race coming up and a
bit of light rain, the races were abandoned after race four. (saved me about
three hundred I reckon) Tenyrate a bit of dampness was not going to slow down the Good Bastards when
it came to the competitive spirit. Our race went ahead and Guest Race Commentator Greg Radley from 2KY in Sydney
did the call. What a bloody call it was too, one of his best. Who won, not sure as they all claimed to have so I guess it was a dead heat
(at this stage anyway) LINKS
! Promote
your site here $50 for one year Invitation:
Good Bastards Super Twelves You are invited to join The Good Bastards Super
12 Comp Number: 42258 To join: 2. From the home page, select
"I'm new and I want to tip", 3. Select "I want
to join a Tipping Comp" on the home page, or the "Tipping"
tab. 4. Enter the Comp Number
and Password details above. 5. That's it. Full instructions on how to tip
can be found on the site by clicking on the "Help"
tab.
Bloody Leo Just a quick one today as I’m flat out doing buggar all and getting busier. Good Bastards Bike Muster Yep its on again, the 26th February to be exact. And its into secret and
desolate location. While it’s primarily features four wheelers some courageous
Turks are coming on board on the two wheelers. Hutch, Roo, Bazza, Mike, Rory and others have been making a new track and
it’s a ball terror. Contact Barry Wilson on 03 755 7775 Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives Irish daughter had not been to the house for over
5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been
all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let
us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you
know what you put your Mum through??!!" Snobs are different The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed
to a member of the British aristocracy who has been spending much of the summer
in his residence in the south of France leaving his wife in the United Kingdom
to look after the ancestral home. Dear Sir Royston, I'm afraid that Sherbet
was in the barn along with your other horses when it burnt to the ground. The
fire brigade had been called within a short time of the barn catching fire and
would normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not been for the
fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your wife had taken
it out for a spin with your brother. As it was, both the tender
and your Bentley were written off. No blame can be attached to your wife for
the accident I'm sure. The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife
was in the back seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to the
fact that your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the collision.
The doctors say that given time she will regain her sight but that she will
never walk again. She has also lost her memory and cannot even remember you.
Your brother, unfortunately, was killed. I should explain how the
barn came to be on fire in the first place. You see a spark from the house blew
over and set the roof alight. The fire started in the main hall of the house
where, as you know, your Matisse and your Picasso once hung. I say 'once' Although all of this may
seem to you very serious it is not in fact the bad news that I wrote of. Your
wife and brother had been visiting your Insurance agent in prison where he is
serving a three year sentence for fraud. I'm afraid that none of your insurance
policies are valid. As I said, there is some
good news. The heat from the fire warmed your greenhouse and brought your flowers
on. Weapons of Mass Deception New Range Of Dunny Door Emblems
IT’S FREE
Here's where you join...
The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
Receive
the Good Bastards News emailed to you every update!
The club you are having when you are not having a club.
No formal meetings
No formal Rules
No Fuss No Bother
Plenty of benefits and its free Our membership is growing; Have You Joined
Yet is our current theme. Its free, there are many benefits now and in the
future. Not too far down the track we will be posting a much
shorter headline version of The Good Bastards News and then mailing the
full version to members only.
We don’t give your email address or other information to
anyone else.
Click
here to find out more, or fill out the form below to join now!
Membership to the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
is restricted to those 18 years of age and older.
Ladies, have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately
take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials
of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he
knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy
with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I
think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the shopping centre and passed by a store that sold
a variety of sweets and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never
let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving
looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did
not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror,
she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,” If you don't
let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee
last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up! the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I
heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One
day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very
busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then
I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if
he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord,
that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No,"
he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell
was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have
an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over
and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MUM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While
30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up
his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for
the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the country laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female
news reader in America who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had
a female news reader who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half
the crew did too they were laughing! So hard!
Good Bastards Beer I can’t put it any plainer than this: If you
are a Good Bastard, and ya don’t want to die from a million illnesses’ you can
get from chemically brewed beers, then drink Good Bastards Beer. Not only that
it tastes good and you don’t get crook from it. So getitindia. NOW AVAILABLE IN AUSTRALIA CONTACT US AT
BEER@GOODBASTARDS.COM
Good Bastard Dan Santoro
from Fort Lauderdale in Florida among many other great Rugby things, has put
to together a group rugby site for over 35 Rugby players and supporters.
And if that doesn’t work, email Dan at rugbydan@bellsouth.net
and ask him to send you details.
COMPUTER STORE
Good Bastards Dunny Carts At the Kumara
Races 
Paddys
other business
Homesick
Kiwi
Good Bastards
Drag Racing Team
Here's a
Good Bastards
business for sale in NZ
The Best Glass Products on the
Planet
Wotzup Australia
Promote your site here $50 for one year
Picking Competition
Great Prizes - Small Group
2005 rugby tipping competition at OzTips.com
Your Sports Tipping Headquarters online.
Heaps of Prizes
Comp Name: Good Bastards Super Twelves
Password to join: paddys
1. Go to http://www.OzTips.com
and setup a user account (if you don't already have one on OzTips.com).
Bargain
Speaker for your conference or event
An elephant asks a camel : "Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well" says the camel , "I think it is a strange question
from somebody whose dick is on his face".
Hokitika 26th February 2005
"Thats not how uncle Bob does it, Dad."
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat,
title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate
for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the
spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus
a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation
for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said
"a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
I hope you are having a good time on your holiday. I say this with sincerity
because I am afraid that I have some bad news for you, although there is good
news too. First the bad news. I am sorry to tell you that your favourite dog,
Honey, is dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt no
pain. She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbet, though I'm sure that
no blame can be attached to Sherbet, frightened as he was by the fire in the
barn.
because they are not there now. Fortunately neither of these paintings were
damaged in the conflagration as they were stolen beforehand by the burglar who
started the fire.
Bush, Cheney, Blair and Howard have officially conceded that
Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction.
And today, the soldiers in Iraq said, 'Uh... Can we come home now?'
Good Bastards, the natural companion to great times.
Nah stuff it, it has to be more powerful than that.
Good Bastards, the natural companion to all the great times, best sex, good
tucker, excellent footy/sport and great mates you could ever imagine.
Paddy
and Saint Pam do Sydney
Not Paddy and Saint
Pam, (Our Photo has yet to be scanned)
Six nuns in the scrum in the background
It was Saint Pams idea that we go to Sydney for a week. So we lobbed off to the IBIS Hotel in darling Harbour. Its only 3 star so the price is right and it for twenty bucks more a day you can have a view over the harbour.
We did the walk over the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge definitely one of the top ten great things we’ve ever done.
Went for a feed up on tower, you’re so high there you could well be playing on the wing for God.
Went out on the Harbour on Spirit of Australia, that was the boat that challenged for the Americas Cup in 1992 and 1996, it was manned by some of the original crew. Bloody thrilling, mast going up about a hundred yards in the air and boy can she motor.
Went to a couple of great shows:
The Lion King
Dirty Dancing
Both were excellent. Caught the ferry over to Watsons Bay and had a great day at Doyals Restaurant with the Laws right slap bang on the verge of the sand on the beach. Awesome food and service and location and topped off with great company.
Went to Bondi and Bondi Junction and had a beer at one of my old haunts “Billy the Pigs” they’ve flashed it up a lot, but it still has the big circular bar.
Did a heap of other touristy things and ate and drank too much but it was all worth it.
Flew down with Virgin Blue, bloody great. Came back with Jet Star. No comparison Virgin Blue a hundred times better as far as I’m concerned.
With Jet Star if you haven’t booked in half and hour before, even if the plane hasn’t arrived you get shut out and you do your dough.
Also you don’t get a seat allocation, so every buggars gets in a Queue way before the gate to the plane opens and it’s a mad rowdy rush to get a decent seat.
Might suit some, but it sure as hell doesn’t suit this little black duck. Virgin
was also cheaper. Go Branson. Just booked a flight to NZ from Brisbane for a
dollar with Pacific Blue. All good, better than the old days. When Qantas and
Air NZ were flogging us to death on the fares.
OK, So much for SAFE
sex.
Jack
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they
pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door
if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking
widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months
ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!
|
And another thing; Elvis isn’t dead, I saw him the other day sittin in between me and Jesus on the UFO. On me farm, when I had it, which I miss like the bullseye on a dart board, I only had one sign. “Surviving Trespassers will be shot again” I had this policy though, when in doubt ‘empty the clip’ Worked every time. What has four legs and an arm? A happy Pit Bull Terrier, Clever init? Well that’s me, off to anuffer hilarious start to a new year. A mans getting old though. |
Gidday you Good Bastards...
I hope Helen and her band of merry (gay) men aren’t getting you down too much…
_A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three
feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't
imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman,
"especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart
and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever
experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think
that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get
BOTH legs in there!"
Humpty Dumpty Sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the Kings Horses,
And All the Kings Men,
Used eggyoke for sex lube
To bugger their friends.
Christmas Carols: A selection of carols for your dysfunctional
friends:
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office
and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock .......... (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all
away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and
the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa
was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs Claus
told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
He went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth
and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy
bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the
liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidently dropped
the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen
floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made
from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with great big Christmas Tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just
a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor
told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is
planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin
to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman
wanted "The Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems. "All
these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob
on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two
annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes
and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
Happy news year ya lousy mongrels, I’m going to Australia for it, at least it
won’t be raining!!
HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...
| Auckland 90.2 FM | Waikato 93.0 FM | |
| Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM | Rotorua 92.7 FM | Taupo 94.3 FM |
| Taranaki 95.6 FM | Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM | Manawatu 95.4 FM |
| Kapati 91.9 FM | Wellingtom 96.3 FM | Nelson 94.6 FM |
| Canterbury 93.7 FM | Otago 93.4 FM | Southland 90.8 FM |
Check
out their web site
www.therock.net.nz
Fire
Fighters Calendar
Firemen and woman have great
calendars check out the latest one for this year
http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf
(male)
http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf
(female)
WHY CAN'T YOU FLOSS
AT HOME
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!
Happy Straya Day!
A bit late, but bloody good Tenyrate
Many thanks to Charlie Millar for this. Charlies an Irishman who lives in Dubai and I tink he works for the CIA. So this could have been put together by them. Whoever did it knows what they are talking about so it couldn’t have been the CIA!
WE ARE ONE
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after queen who didn't believe in lesbos. Victoria's
the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse
races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's
liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is
too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books
read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney has more queens
than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers
that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of
their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the Family that
bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome
at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds
the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat
no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners
and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so
effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of
Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when
the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to
fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men
would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to
stop importing convicts and
many of them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as it's beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and
turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for
International recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag
tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party
albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one
seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy
immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase,
"she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda"
our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits
suicide).
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing
race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all
the sports that count, like cricket, swimming, netball, rugby league and union,
AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the
tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras
but chain the pens to the desk.
Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed
by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed
little people, at least we feel better for it.
P.S. We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!
No other country has this distinction!
HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY for January
26, 2005 2006 and forever.
WARNING FROM NRMA IN AUSTRALIA
This warning was also published in the local neighbourhood watch bulletin in
Morayfield QLD, it has happened there very recently too.
Warning from NRMA (Same as AAC in NZ)
Be aware of new car-jacking scheme:
Imagine: You walk across the carpark, unlock your car and get
inside. Then you lock all your doors, start the engine and shift into REVERSE,
and you look into the rear-view mirror to back out of your parking space and
you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window.
So, you shift the gear stick back into PARK, unlock your doors and jump out
off your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your
view.
When you reach the back of your car, that is when the car-jackers appear out
of nowhere, jump into your car and take off!! Your engine was running, you would
have left your purse in the car and they practically mow you down as they speed
off in your car.
BE AWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED IN SYDNEY
Just drive away and remove the paper that is stuck to your window later.
A purse contains all identification, and you certainly do NOT want someone getting
your home address. They already HAVE your keys!!!!!
They particularly target women and older people so pass this information on.
Awareness is the answer.
FAST ELEVATOR!
Watch
out for this also …
Worse …
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There is nuthin
left but we're
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replies,
"Oh yes,
I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God". The woman continues,
"And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished
but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine
and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately
puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't
you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for
the police....
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with
them.
This weeks wacky site is
Road Safety in Jamaica is
well,
interesting to say the least
| Many Thanks
Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of
interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several
times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we
don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous
access of what we think is good material.
Many Thanks! |
The Last Word from Paddy
Huge year planned. Last year was a whopper, me biggest ever and this year is going be even bigger. Let you in on a bit of future news. The Good Bastards Bar and Grill that we have been talking about for a couple of years, well its alive and well and about to reappear far bigger and brighter than you could ever imagine under a completely new name and concept.
Can’t tell you too much just yet.
Watch this space.
The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club
The Good Bastards Hall of Fame: Check out some real Great Good Bastards
Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations: Nominate who you think should be
The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags
The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget
Good Bastards Stories: Read stories written by other Good Bastards
The Good Bastards Competitions: You could win stuff, give it a go.
Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter
 Last Update: 24/09/2004 |
© 2001-2002 Good Bastards
|
Site Design & Maintenance by |
Pat Condon Reckons