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Coming
to you from Paddy’s shitty little Office
at home
Thought for the day: "Do not resist growing old, many are denied the privilege."
BUMPER EDITION OF GOOD BASTARD STUFF
News Headlines
Marist Marauders from Christchurch win
Good Bastards World Cup
Good Bastards Day in 2004 to be biggest and best ever
Paddy Sweeney and the Good Bastards Show to be held the night before Good Bastards Day
“The Lost Tribe of Jackson’s Bay” Paddy’s next book about to hit the book stands
Bleedingslow Cup set to go on Gold Coast August 2005
But first the serious news...
Japanese Invention to fix Snotty noses
THE BIGGEST AND BEST EVER
GOOD BASTARDS DAY
November 2nd 2004
If you are inclined to great fun from great events with great people then you should be at Hokitika for the Good Bastards event of the year
The Good Bastards Show
It starts on Good Bastards Eve Monday the 1st November. In a courageous move we have hired THE REGENT THEATRE for this premier event. And what a great program we have lined up, I only hope some buggar turns up to see it.
New Zealand’s Best Irish Band “THE BLACK VELVET BAND” will anchor the show while yours truly runs around like a chook with its head cut off. These jokers play the epitome of Good Bastards Music, Irish, sixties, bit of modern, bit of West Coast Country, bloody great.
The new book “THE LOST TRIBE OF JACKSONS BAY” rolled out of the printers on the 15th of October and all things being equal will be available for sale on the night. It is a humourous yarn that takes the piss out of a lot of sacred cows while weaving a story of intrigue.
Helen Clark provided the motivating incident when she called the West Coasters ferals and then cut out a few thousand livelihoods by shutting down the mills and gold mines. In a humourous way we intend to re-enact the event with her saying just that and her hopping into bed with the greens.
Come along and meet Billy Black and his dancing Pig Don Rash. Billy is a shearer that realised there was more to life than the shaggers back you get from shearing. Now referred to as New Zealand’s new Fred Dagg, he will have you in fits as he struts his stuff along with the pig in a show that is bloody fantastic.
Look there is a heap of other stuff going down on the night and there aren’t a helluva of lot of seats available so pay the twenty bucks and get a ticket and come along.
Tickets are available from:
Southland Hotel Hokitika (Hokitika)
Hokitika Glass (Hokitika)
West Coast Information Centre (Hokitika)
Greenfield Motors (Greymouth)
Miners Brewery (Westport)
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LINKS ! |
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Paddys other business | Homesick Kiwi |
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Good Bastards Drag Racing Team |
Here's a Good Bastards business for sale in NZ |
The Best Glass Products on the Planet |
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The Good Bastards
Green Jacket Golf Masters
TUESDAY 2nd of November
9 am kick off Hokitika Gold Links
Forget about Tiger Woods and all those other flash bastards wiggling their arses around the golf courses of the world. NOW its your turn. You can be a scratch golfer (Big Deal: I have a bloody scratch and I’m not even a golfer) or hate the bloody game and anywhere in between. Good Bastards doesn’t discriminate, well only against snobs, politicians, iridescent greenies, politically correct bastards, dobbers, bludgers, murderers, robbers, child molesters, do gooders, knockers, and probably a few more I can’t think of here. Tenyrate, come along and have a great time. We’ll pair you up if you haven’t got a partner.
Its an Ambrose Tournament. Out of the two of you who ever whacks it the furest is where you whack from.
Its twenty bucks registration plus green fees. The twenty goes into the pool and is split Four ways 20% to the winner of Good Bastards Golf and the remaining pool split 50% for the first team. 30% for second and 20% for third.
The three divs must be placed on the Melbourne Cup with one bet only each placing. It can be on the snotter, each way or for a place. No exceptions.
Get your mate(s) and get in the program or get a team from ya work.
It’s a thirteen hole Ambrose and you either play Good Bastards Golf or the traditional game which is played by those who have something wrong with them although it has never been discovered what.
Good Bastards Gold does not require the stupid sticks or the useless little white cricket ball with the bad case of teenage pimples. We use a ball that you can actually find, some call it a soccer ball (Those bastards that play soccer can’t even get it in a ten foot wide net so they wouldn’t be any good at it. The answer to that game is make the bloody net bigger) and you kick it towards the lawn with the piece of reinforcing steel sticking up with the little bit of bunting on the top. You only have to hit the steel rod to get the hole over and done with.
The Ranfurly Seat
CASS SQUARE
Hokitika
Kick off before 1 pm
(Players there at 12 30 or you will miss the Dunny Cart Race
and shag up the whole bloody schedule)
Momentous occasion last year when West Coast won the inaugural game last Good Bastards Day. Will they retain it or will those Canterbury Bastards beat the home team? All will be decided in the bar afterwards.
If you are looking for a game and are over 35 then just turn up with your boots.
Scotty Williams is the main man and will likely be the referee while holding the whole thing together. Onya Scotty.
Otherwise just turn up we could have a beer or two there.
The Inaugural Good Bastards
Dunny Cart Race
3 pm
Starts and finishes at the back of the Southland
What is a Dunny Cart some may wonder. Well I wus wondering about that meself. It’s a new Good Bastards Invention. In essence it is a long drop dunny on bike wheels. It has two jokers pulling her along, one bloke pushing and one bloke on board.
So far we have five confirmed entries and a few Good Bastards talking about it.
Aratuna Frieghtways - Team manager Billy Millar
Hynds Pipes - Team manager John Hynds
BP Kaniere - Team manager Harry Collet
Excavator World - Team manager Bruce Smith
Good Bastards - Team manager Paddy Sweeney
Tasman Tyres - Team manager Johnny Williams
The Good Bastards entry has been engineered up in Westport by me old Graham Alexander and a team of his mates. Graham was supposed to be the best man at me wedding only he got a boil on his bum and couldn’t walk. Well that’s his excuse anyway. Him and I and one or two others built the Franz pub sometime in the 60’s.
We’ve got the traffic plan approved and the nod from the cops as well as witches hats and course marshals. It’ll be bigger than a picnic on the top of Mount Cook.
Then after that its Back into the Southland in preparation for the big race.
The Hynds Pipes Good Bastards Gold Cup
Race 11
Trenthan
(After the Melbourne Cup)
At this stage we know buggar all about the horses in it except that one of them will win.
Two Big Awards This Year
· Good Bastard of the Year
· The Most Decent Good Bastard of the Year
These will be announced at the Southland during the proceedings. A couple of surprises here I can assure you.
Great Music
Throughout the proceedings THE WOODSTOCK MUSIC CLUB brings along about a dozen or more great musicians and they do a fantastic job. Come along and experience music West Coast style, the way it all should be.
Great Feed
Every year Georgie Stewart donates a Pig, Bernie Preston from Prestons Bakery cooks it up and the Southland put on a heap of other tucker as well. Gee they are all real Good Bastards.
Other Great Stuff
Then as the evening progresses a few other things take place. Not telling you what that is, but it will pack the place and it keeps people coming back every year. The bottom line is, you have to be there.
Bloody Leo
It’s all bullshit; Sweeney’s running around telling everyone that I’m off to London to study singing and my neighbours all chipped in to pay for the ticket. The truth is they didn’t even mention London, just as long as it was 5000 miles away from Hokitika.
Last week I got into a fight down the pub, we went at it hammer and tongs, I won, I had the hammer.
As some of you know I’m a chemist, proud of it too. And last week I had my biggest breakthrough in my entire career. I invented a cure for which no known illness exists.
The speed of travel these days is amazing. I’ve just come back from Auckland and it took three hours to get from the city to the airport.
It’s been bloody cold this winter, it’s so cold up at my joint, that when you open the bedroom door the light comes on.
Anyway, up the lot of yas, I’m off to play golf
Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
The New Penance?
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Dermott O’Sullivan recognized her voice and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Dermott O’Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Mary's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Jaysus, Mary & Joseph, will you be looking at the penance Father Dermott O’Sullivan is givin' out tonight, and me without me bloomers on!"
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Our membership is growing; Have You Joined Yet is our current theme. Its free, there are many benefits now and in the future. Not too far down the track we will be posting a much shorter headline version of The Good Bastards News and then mailing the full version to members only. We don’t give your email address or other information to anyone else. Click here to find out more, or fill out the form below to join now! Membership to the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is restricted to those 18 years of age and older.
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MARIST MARAUDERS WIN GOOD BASTARDS RUGBY WORLD CUP
What a great tournament we had for the Good Bastards World Cup in August. When it got down to who was the winner, it was narrowed to two. Marist xxxx finally took out the honours but the vote taken in the bar was a close call with West Coast. Losing by buggar all.
We had the best time. The Black Velvet Band, New Zealands best Irish band and they fair belted out some great music on the Friday night do and also on Sunday at the after match function.
Then on the Saturday night we had another group that really got into the sixties music and had the show fair bopping.
A lot of good matesmanships took place, with the making of new friends and catching up with a few old rascals as well.
Three Good Bastards Beers were flowing, Draugh, Lager and Dark. And those that stuck only to it, which was most, didn’t have a hang over.
Remember that Good Bastards Beer is not only good its good for you. Not like the fizzy pop chemically brewed beer that will shag your health and give you hangovers.
New slogan “Have more fun by living longer and not getting crook, DRINK GOOD BASTARDS BEER”
Merlins Maulers the hosts were superb, those guys did a lot of work and without them I would have been up to my ears in it.
Time to register for your team or yourself to be at ………………..
The Bleedingslow CUP
Gold Coast August 2004
The NOT SO RICH AND FAMOUS TOUR TO AUSTRALIA
CLICK HERE FOR A REGISTRATION FORM (PDF)
CLICK HERE TO SUSS OUT THE POSTER (JPG)
Explain This Bitch
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids
Gidday
you Good Bastards...
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be
savagely raped by brazen whores than
let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
A guy and his date were parked on a back road way out of town. Things started to heat up and he began to undo her dress. "I probably should have mentioned this before," she said, "but I'm a prostitute and if you want to have sex with me, it will cost you 20 dollars." The guy wasn't happy, but he paid up.
Afterwards, he got dressed but just sat in the driver's seat without starting the engine. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the woman.
"I probably should have mentioned this before," he replied, "but I'm a taxi driver and if you want to get back to town, it will cost you 30 dollars!"
Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where’s the toilet?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger, they give you the blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.
HEALTH INFORMATION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,
Q: What are some of the advantages of
participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans. another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a biscuit... One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
Finally... Today is the International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Extremely Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over fifty thousand messages and my Inbox is jammed full.
HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...
| Auckland 90.2 FM | Waikato 93.0 FM | |
| Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM | Rotorua 92.7 FM | Taupo 94.3 FM |
| Taranaki 95.6 FM | Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM | Manawatu 95.4 FM |
| Kapati 91.9 FM | Wellingtom 96.3 FM | Nelson 94.6 FM |
| Canterbury 93.7 FM | Otago 93.4 FM | Southland 90.8 FM |
Check out their web site
www.therock.net.nz
You’ll be seeing more of these vans around.
You’ll Say WOW Carpet Cleaning
When you want the best Carpet Clean or lounge suite possible then call the Company one of Paddy’s good keen people in any of the following areas.
1. Whangarie
2. North Shore Auckland
3. Tauranga
4. Coromandle
5. Christchurch
6. Central Otago
7. Southland
8. East Auckland (from mid November)
Ring 800 SAYWOW or 0800 729969
If you are interested in learning on how to become a Franchise in Australia or New Zealand then send Paddy an email paddy@goodbastards.com
Despite Paddy’s new book coming out the other four are continuing to sell well throughout New Zealand. If you haven’t got the complete collection, then in New Zealand ask any good book store and if they haven’t got it they will get it in for you. Other country’s email Paddy.
Australian Love Poems
Love may be
beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
Thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving
beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel
your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my
lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you
take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell."
What inspired
this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
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Good Bastards Beer I can’t put it any plainer than this: If you
are a Good Bastard, and ya don’t want to die from a million illnesses’ you can
get from chemically brewed beers, then drink Good Bastards Beer. Not only that
it tastes good and you don’t get crook from it. So getitindia. NOW AVAILABLE IN AUSTRALIA CONTACT US AT BEER@GOODBASTARDS.COM |
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Don’t mention the whitebait or I’ll knock ya bloody head off.
I thought I would pass a comment about me most favourite pastimes, farting.
Years ago, a long time before I met Linda, I was taking this girl out that could play the piano quite well. Now this night I’m going around to pick her up and she had a dose of the farts and couldn’t stop dropping loud bombs all over the place.
So when I arrived at her place to cover the farts rattling out her bum, she said come in and I’ll play ya a couple of tunes on the piano. What she was hoping was that she would fart herself out before we went out and I wouldn’t hear any of them in the meantime.
In the middle of the song she dropped a clanger that you would have heard over at your place.
At the end of it all she asked “what did you think of that?”
I couldn’t help me self I replied “It was great except for the bit in the middle when the lightening hit the shithouse.” Shit that was funny, even if I do say meself.
…………………………………. Maybe you had to be there.
Anyway cop this FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART Bewdie eh |
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F-word can be okay at work14 September 2004
By OSKAR ALLEY There's also good news for "whingers". The study finds that complaining to a sympathetic colleague can help build "solidarity" among co-workers. The study – the first of its kind in New Zealand – analysed the conversation patterns of a team working in an unidentified soap factory. And the results suggest the staff would do well to wash their mouths out with some of their own product. The f-word was easily the most commonly used swearword, but viewed in the context of the close-knit team it could not be considered offensive, the study finds. "Forms of f. . . occur frequently in certain contexts and serve a range of functions, including the role of positive politeness strategy. F. . . is regularly associated with expressions of solidarity, including friendly terms of address." Though members of the factory team referred to colleagues as a "dumb bitch" or a "dumb moll", viewed in context the phrases typified an attitude that said "I like you, so I can be rude to you", researchers find. The practice of whingeing – described as a "long or repeated expression of discontent not necessarily intended to change or improve the unsatisfactory situation" – was not such a bad thing either. The complaining was an emotional release and a typical way of establishing a rapport with others: "Teammates regularly have a moan to each other; whingeing to a sympathetic co-worker both reflects and constructs the close relationship between team members, thus consolidating the team's solidarity." Victoria linguistics professor Janet Holmes, the study's director, said yesterday that there was overseas interest in the research, which has been published in the international Journal of Pragmatics. In the appropriate context, swearing was not offensive and demonstrated the fact that language was constantly evolving, she said. |
That’s what was reported in the media;
and this is what Good Bastards responded with also in the media.
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The F- word has been ok in the work place
The F- word has been ok in the work place for at least 45 years. So The Politically Correct Police have said it's ok to use the F Word in the work place!!!! "Where have these poor buggars been?" So asks Paddy Sweeney head honcho of the Good Bastards Movement which emanates out of the West Coast. I'm 58 and its been ok to use the F-word since I started work when I was 13 forty five years ago." Said Sweeney today. "Using the f-word among your colleagues may not necessarily be offensive, can even be considered polite and helps to reinforce team morale, a Victoria University linguistics study suggests." Reported Oska Ally recently. "Sweeney who says he learnt to communicate effectively using the F word in a sawmill on the West Coast 45 years ago, reckons you can't get by without it. "For example, if you tell someone to "GO AWAY" it is nowhere as near effective as telling them to "F - OFF" Or if you say "HELLO THEIR FRIEND" its nowhere near as receptive as saying "HOW THE F- ARE YA, YA GOOD BASTARD?" When asked what he thought of the Survey which was the first of its kind in New Zealand Sweeney replied "Funnier than a fart in a bottle when ya think about it. Here we have something that's been going on for a couple of hundred years and is an intricate part of our culture and the PC people have just found it and extremely excited about it. For crying out loud next think they will be telling us they discovered that the `Water Closet' is actually a dunny. Sweeney's Good Bastards Movement claims to be the front line force in attacking political correctness. "These people should buggar off back to England where it seems all this bullshit came from. Ya want to talk like a snobby pom, that's ok, but don't try and make it part of our culture that a nation has been diligently building for over 200 years." Good Bastards have a club `The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards' which is promoted through their web site www.goodbastards.com. Sweeney remains defiant in his quest to use humour to quash the PC Police and has the last word. "Who knows they might even decide that Noddy and Big Ears weren't all that bad either and allow them back into the game."
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Life is all about arse;
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one.
This weeks
wacky site is
How to hypnotize a guy in 2 simple steps Instructions
1) click on the link below
2) Click on the picture, and drag it a little to the right, or left, or up right .. what ever you prefer! and then drop it . and watch .
http://www.mxfiles.kneib.biz/drag_and_go_back_spezial.html
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Many Thanks
Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of
interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times,
some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We
receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of
what we think is good material.
Many Thanks! |
The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club
The Good Bastards Hall of Fame: Check out some real Great Good Bastards
Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations: Nominate who you think should be
The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags
The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget
Good Bastards Stories: Read stories written by other Good Bastards
The Good Bastards Competitions: You could win stuff, give it a go.
Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter
 Last Update: 09/12/2004 |
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