Coming to you from Paddy’s shitty little Office at home

Thought for the day: "When in Doubt, get the chainsaw out"

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For those wishing to print out the news. Click on Archives and you will find this edition as well as previous. It is the best place to print from

WOW
Heaps of News This Issue

But first the main Story ......

Proof that Man has landed on the moon.
I took it this afternoon and it is currently up for tender if you are interested.
Please submit your email to wefooledya@bullshitingyankees.com
You have to arrange your own delivery.
We have no idea what happened to the wheels up there.
-No idea Bush

PLUS
Good Bastards Birthday weekend Honours List
72 made the list this year. How many do you know?, maybe you are one of them.

Good Bastards Rugby World Cup
It’s that time again. Huge Piss up on the Friday night with top Irish band. Have you bought your $5 ticket yet?

Good Bastards Day
DUNNY CART RACE (main event)
Bigger than Gods Underpants this year. Have you made your plans to be there or even have a Dunny Cart in the big Race?

You’ll Say WOW Carpet Cleaning Growing throughout NZ
Get your carpets cleaned with the Good Bastards Mates rates discount

New Range of Good Bastards Apparel
New duds for those who want to look like a real Good Bastard

New Good Bastards Book underway
This is not a book for those who love Helen Clark

0900 JOKES or 0900 56537
New edition out. Phone up and listen to Paddy and Hot Rod tell heaps of Rugby gags as they prepare to go to the Bledisloe Cup.

Good Bastards Bike Muster Special Hot Button on site
You read all about The Good Bastards Bike Muster in the edition. Now you can click anytime on the button on the menu on the left.

Yes, there are, as always heaps happening in the World of Good Bastards and likely to always be. As we normally maintain our "Stick it up the absolutely useless political correct bastards who strive to shag our culture developed over a period of over 200 years."

A POX ON ALL POLITICALLY CORRECT BASTARDS

What about the bloody poms
World Champions Rugby Team???

Here is the real story

Now here is the news read by the bastard in front of this screen.

Good Bastards Birthday Honours List

Scotty Williams Takes Top Gong along with Andrew Mehrtens

As usual we released the Good Bastards Honours list over what was formally the Queens Birthday Weekend. We recognised a heap of Good Bastards from within the club that are doing great things and of course a selection of those from outside the movement.

Here is how the Media reported the event:

Rowberry, Mehrtens tops Good Bastards Honours list
Tuesday, 1 June 2004,

World Cup winning netball captain Anna Rowberry and former All Blacks Andrew Mehrtens have topped the latest Good Bastards Birthday Honours list.

Mehrtens has been awarded the Good Bastards Sportsperson of The Year award.

He won huge support for staying with the Crusaders in Canterbury and resurrecting his career instead of going overseas.

They join last year’s recipients who included Robbie Deans and posthumously Possum Bourne.

The Good Bastards group was set up in 1993 by former West Coaster businessman Paddy Sweeney, now living in Australia. He releases an honours list twice a year, coinciding with the Queen’s Birthday weekend and the New Year’s honours list. Sweeney said Mehrtens on his game is a great playmaker and has won admiration for his positive and cheerful approach to the sport this year.

"The awards are to recognise all those who have given exceptional support to the Good Bastards or have been great favourites of those within the movement," Sweeney said.

"The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards" is the only organisation of any consequence who takes open and regular pot shots at those who promote and are politically correct. "Let’s keep the Kiwi tradition exactly what it has evolved into. We are not politicians, just ordinary folk. It is within our honours list that people are recognised." The Good Bastard of the Year for the greatest voluntary effort goes to Scottie Williams who is the prime mover in the Good Bastards Rugby World Cup for over 35s on August 21 and 22.

Good Bastards has its own beer label and an annual Good Bastards Day to coincide with the Melbourne Cup.

GB Weekend honours:

Good Bastards Coaches of the year: Alistair Hunt (tennis), Peter Sloane (rugby).

For contribution to rugby: Tony Brown, Brad Thorn, Byron Kelleher, Tana Umaga, Nathan Sharpe, George Gregan and Matt Burke. For contribution to rugby league: Paul Vautin, Peter Sterling (the Footy Show), Frank Endacott.

For contribution to cricket: Chris Harris

For contribution to golf: Greg Turner

For contribution to netball: Anna Rowberry, Belinda Colling.

They join last year’s recipients who included Robbie Deans, Gary Moore and posthumously Possum Bourne.

GB of the Year: Scottie Williams

Sport GB of the year: Andrew Mehrtens

GB Round Bar Table: Kerry Heveldt, Evan Birchfield and Neil Blanchfield.

Exceptional GB: (EGB) Geoff Milne, Dave Herring, Sydenham Cavaliers, Mark Rissman, West Coast.

The Order of Genuine GB (GGB):

Christchurch: Bobby Deacon, Don Bailey, Harry Stouers, Pat Blanchfield, Terry Huriwai, Graeme Prior, Ian Costello, Jono Hopley, Nick Jackman, David Thorpe, Cameron Foggo, Richard Attwood, Rocky Reeves, Pat McErlane, Michael Rea, Henry Fiave.

Auckland: Keith Hoggarth, Rob Waye, Chris Cochrane.

West Coast: Daryl Topp, Johnny Williams, Barry Wilson, Chris Howard, Malc Davies, Vern Abbott, Alan Absalom, Denis McLaren, Harry Collett, Charles Evans, Georgie Stuart, Rick McCobb, Brian Piner, Peter McCutchin, Ross Levett, Alan Routhan, Wayne Stuart, Gary McGill, Peter Campion, Russell Down,

Levin: Mel Jacobson.

Australia: John McEwen, David Pennell, Errol Woolcott.

Dubai: Paul Teen

Good Bitches of Year: Ruth Kerr (Taupo) Renata Blanchfield (Christchurch) Tracey Anderson, Rachel Teen, Bev Hutchison, (West Coast) Jane Teen (Dubai)

OH GOD! PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE SPRING!
PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE SPRING!

Homesick Kiwis
 
Hey all you homesick Kiwis, there is now a great newsletter you can get emailed that not only has all the major local news but also access to to all your favourite goodies that you can't get out of the country.
 
www.homesick-kiwi.com
 
Click on and have a look and jion up. I have and its bloody good.

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup

It’s that time again, this year we have a much bigger emphasis on the entertainment side of things.

Last Years winners The Sydenham Cavaliers will be defending their title against teams from various locations.

Numweek Park
Harewood
Christchurch

Friday Night the 20th August
The Good Bastards U-beaut Irish Big Party

With NZ’s Top Irish Band
THE BLACK VELVET BAND
ALL GOOD BASTARDS ARE WELCOME
Tickets $5
Booze and food available
Horticultural Hall
Shagley Park
From 7 pm

Sunday 1 pm the finals with the announcement of who has won the Good Bastards Rugby world Cup

0900 JOKES
or who for those who can’t spell
0900 56537

Check out the Good Bastards Joke line and here a heap of gags as Paddy and Hot Rod take the piss out of most things. Your chance to win A Good Bastards Jacket. Give it a call now. You could be a winner.

I v konw thsi fir blodoy yaers.
nad thsee bastrds woh cll thme slfvse smrat arsse rae ufst fidinngg tit tout

This is amazing. Try to read the paragraph below, then consider what It actually says. The brain is a wonderful thing isn't it?

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, bu t the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy.

GOOD BASTARDS DAY
2004

Featuring the inaugural Dunny Cart Race

November the 2nd 2004

It’s going to be bigger this year than ever;

The Good Bastards Golf Masters
The Ranfurly Seat between Canterbury and the West Coast. Good Bastards Over 35 Rugby.
The Dunny Cart Race
Heaps of Good Bastards entertainment
You should plan on being there.

More info as we get closer

Steve Flynn's Irish Archives

Paddy and Mick find these five hand grenades and are taking them to the police station and Mick sez top paddy, what happens if one of these bloody things go off

Paddy replied, we'll tell them we only found four.

The Core business that has provided the wherewithal to drive Good Bastards from the very beginning has been Stain Busters Cleaning Systems in Australia and You’ll Say WOW Carpet Cleaning in New Zealand.

In NZ this year we have commenced in four new areas.

We now have a Good Bastards discount or special present available for all Good Bastards. Ring 0800 769969 or if you can’t do numbers 0800 SAY WOW will also get you to who you want to talk too.

In Australia we now have 26 Territories covered. For the Good Bastards Discount or special present there ring Qld 1300 650 251 and NSW/ACT 1300 55 66 02

Franchises also available. Ring Paddy on NZ 0061 419 553375
Or AUS 0419 553375

HUTCH WELDING UP THE PETROL TANK ON HIS TRUCK

New Range of Good Bastards Apparel

• Good Bastards Rugby Club
• Or Good Bastards Bike Muster Club
• Or just the Good Bastards Club

You choose which one you want embroidered on your gear.

New Good Bastards Gear is now a range of great gear. Photos coming shortly.

The Good Bastards Jacket:
It’s a Navy Jacket with a yellow trim. It is a very classy looking long windbreaker type. NZ$98.00

The Good Bastards Polo Shirt:
Yellow trim and Navy. It looks a million bucks and so will you. NZ$42.00

The Good Bastards Hoody:
Navy and Yellow Trim with hand warmers that join up in the front plus hood. Ideal for keeping warm and looking good. NZ$57.00

The Good Bastards Cap:
Make your nut look better than it ever has. Makes even the roughest head look good. NZ$20.00

Good Bastards Books:
• The Larrikins Guide to Success NZ$21.95
• It’s a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard NZ$19.95
• The Good Bastards Huge Joke Book NZ $24.95
• Stuff you will never learn at School NZ$19.95
• ALL FOUR; NZ$50.00 plus package & postage, treated as one item

Good Bastards Award Winning Beer Party Pack: Good Bastards Dark Ale and Good Bastards Lager available delivered anywhere in New Zealand. Minimum order for shipment eight dozen, NZ$200.00.

Ordering: Send us an email with what you want, including size, address and phone number.

Postage and Packaging: NZ$16.00 for the first item and NZ$8 00 for each extra. All items are sent from Australia.

Personalised: with your name embroidered on clothing NZ$11.00

Payment: by credit card. Send your phone number and we will ring you to get details. Or Cheque. paddy@goodbastards.com

NEW
GOOD BASTARDS BOOK UNDERWAY

Thanks to Helen Clark
THE LOST TRIBE
OF JACKSON’S BAY

The Idea for this book was born the day Helen Clark called the West Coasters Ferals. There was our self righteous leader spouting forth dispersions on my peers. Good enough for her then its good enough for me to send a few humourous barbs back. As one good bastard mentioned in passing that she a head on her like the grill of a Jail Bar Ford.

It’s not really about Helen Clark. It’s a fictitious story about a lost tribe in Jackson’s Bay with a fictitious Prime minister of New Zealand called Helen Clack getting in the way of things.

It is a humourous story that weaves its way through a whole range of events that most folk will relate too.

The idea of making a Good Bastards movie had been mulling around for a while and this little verbiage from Helen was sufficient to start the "motivating Incident" that essential ingredient that drives all movies.

It could be likened to New Zealand’s version of Crocodile Dundee.

A while back I went to a course on "How to write a Screen Play" The idea was you went along fortnightly for three months and during that time you wrote your screenplay.

It was run by an accomplished Screenplay writer and lo and behold the Screenplay for

The Lost Tribe of Jackson’s Bay

Popped out. While we have figured out how to fund and produce the movie it has gone on the back burner.

There is so much happening with new products, getting our Pub deal together, events, Holidays, fishing trips, other businesses doing well and a host of other good things there is no time at present to drive the project forward.

In the meantime I decided to turn the screenplay into a book.

The Lost Tribe Of Jackson’s Bay

Is due for release in November on the night before Good Bastards Day.

Will tell you a bit more about it as time progresses.

All women should have one
 

As I Mature I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house, one
of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me,
they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe
Something good will happen.
If not...tough shit.

 More likely to please the femme this one.

http://www.chinapaint.com/eng/flash/colorandme_en.swf

Wasn’t this the person who was in the photo of the duck a couple of editions ago?

And isn’t she the person who was in last edition that Pat Condon claimed
"For crying out loud they are only Air Bags"

Super Heroes

See if you agree with the differences

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is on a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked the rules of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

Gidday you Good Bastards...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

_____________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it
from your mother, cause I still have mine"

_____________________________________

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your wife at all.
Me neither Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids.

______________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1.. All the DNA is the same.
2.. There are no dental records.

_________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute...
Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

_______________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

_________________________________

Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the Horn by
mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did
that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn’t say 'asshole' afterwards."

____________________________________

A man’s car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He
walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk
answered, listened to the man’s story and graciously invited him to spend
the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to
sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by
a strange sound.

The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound
that woke him. The monks said, "We’re sorry. We can’t tell you about the
sound. You’re not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for
their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man
pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the
monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he
had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to
spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man
stayed. Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning, he begged the
monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We’re sorry. We can’t tell you
about the sound. You’re not a monk."

By now, the man’s curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up
everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the
sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous
task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of
the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the
order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door.

He opened the door with a golden key.

That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold
and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent
than the last.

The new monk’s face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the
wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years
before..................

But, I can’t tell you what it was. You’re not a monk.

nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

This weeks wacky site is
Have you ever wanted to fly a helicopter? Well heres your chance
http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Stop Press late news just in

The Scottish Rugby Hooker

Loch Ness WHAT!

Photo of the Scottish Rugby teams hooker. Don’t show the women.

 

 

The Last Word from Paddy

Things are good. Very bloody good in fact. Despite the fact that Air New Zealand Rugby have decided to try and rain on The Good Bastards Rugby Party by staging a tournament simular in formate to The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup.

Let’s just say the jaws in the suits behind the idea have made a serious error in judgment.

This little black duck and a large flock of other little black ducks can draw enormous strength when someone tries to rain their parade.

No need for more comment than that. Action speaks louder than words.

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 24/09/2004

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