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Thursday |
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Dedicated to fixing up political correctness. |
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by GOOD BASTARDS BEER If it’s not a Good Bastard, you’re drinking the wrong beer |
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Coming to you from Tauranga in the mighty Bay Of Plenty North Island New Zealand .
Thought for the day: "After constantly checking my email, I just realized something.
I'm bald, impotent, have a small dick and in need of constant refinancing.
"
KEENANGATE
0900 JOKES
or who for those who can’t spell
0900 56537
Greg Lincoln (The Hot Rod Lincoln) is the other
voice on the recording. Greg is a bloke fast making a name for himself as a
breakfast announcer. Remember that name. Greg Lincoln you will hear much more
of him.
Any way Greg and the self get into a bit of good West Coast humour and will
update it every coupla weeks.
Don’t forget to check it out.
0900 JOKES Line in Deep Shit
The Good bastards Joke line is getting sued, or so he says. Mike 'Wild Food Festival Guru' Keenan.
What happened was Greg Lincoln and Paddy were on the piss at the Southland Hotel, the top pisser in Hokitika, and they turned the tape on and recorded a "Secret Good Bastards Meeting"
For the uninitiated that is any meeting Good Bastards meet and talk about stuff, that could be deemed to be secret or close to it or maybe not.
Anyway, they put this recording on the Good Bastards 0900 JOKES Line which for the dumb bastards like Gary Hutch who can't spell, its 0900 56537.
It seems Keenan got a mention as did Gerry Morris, the man behind bringing Montieths back to the coast, and Keenan took offence of what was said.
It was even reported in the papers and web sites around the world.
To get the full story go to:
http://www.scoop.co.nz/mason/stories/CU0402/S00194.htm
Paddy Sweeney
and the
GOOD BASTARDS SHOW
March the 6th at the Levin Cozzie Club saw the fist ever Paddy Sweeney and
The Good Bastards Show.
It happened to a presold packed house and the feed back would indicate it went
over ok.
It would never have happened if it wasn’t for Mel Jacobson and his team of
able helpers, what a great bunch of bastards they are.
The team were on a fund rasing exercise for Relay for Life for the Cancer Society.
It also included a spud dig, which Paddy had a spud in but never got a gong.
The exercised raised $4000.00 for this worthy cause.
Keep an eye out for Paddy Sweeney and the Good Bastards Show coming to a place
near you sometime in the future.
See the never photos in the Good Bastards Photo Album .
Miss Piggy does her Janet Jackson impersonation
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I rang up Huey Little the other day after the big Golf day with Chris O'Brien and his Canterbury Good Bastards mates and told him "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. I am suffering from Anal Glaucoma." Huey: "Anal Glaucoma? What the bloody hell is that Bloody Leo?" Me: "I just can't see my arse coming to work!" And another thing. These thoughts for the day that Sweeney does.
They're all bullshit. Here is what I call a thought for the day.:
"Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car." |
The Good Bastards Bike Muster
Check out the photos in the new Section on the sight, Good Bastards Bike Muster.
The 7th of February saw the annual Good Bastards Bike Muster in Hokitika. Plenty of Mud Fun and Beer. Honda won the manufacturers Trophy and Barry Piner won the Good Bastard of the Muster award. Check out the action now Good Bastards Bike Muster.
"Okay sir, I've fed your personal profile into
the computer,
and your ideal partner should look something like this..."
The Ant Story
A
modern day Saga
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and
laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and
well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN DAY VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands
to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are
cold and starving. All the TV Channels and current affairs programs show up,
as well as the the Women’s Weekly and every other media bastard worth mentioning.
All the coverage showed pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to shots
of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
New Zealand is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in Middle Earth a country of such wealth, that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Holmes with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Some preacher bastard stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the Mayors choir is singing "We shall overcome". The preacher bastard then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Paul Holmes exclaims in an interview with a Human rights activist with the arse out his pants, that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
Finally, the Government drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Helen Clark gets her favourite old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a tax payers paid defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of judges that Helen appointed from a list of dole bludgers.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's
food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's
old house, which crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared to Australia and goes on to do quite well.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: There is none so blind as those who will
not see.
The better option
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood-curdling
screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only
someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable, but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes
for that"
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IT’S FREE Here's where you join... The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards Receive the Good Bastards News emailed to you every update! The club you are having when you are not having a club. No formal meetings No formal Rules No Fuss No Bother Plenty of benefits and its free
Our membership is growing; Have You Joined Yet is our current theme. Its free, there are many benefits now and in the future. Not too far down the track we will be posting a much shorter headline version of The Good Bastards News and then mailing the full version to members only. We don’t give your email address or other information to anyone else. Click here to find out more, or fill out the form below to join now! Membership to the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is restricted to those 18 years of age and older.
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Its here again.
The Good Bastards
Super Twelve Tipping Comp
Do you want to join a Super 12 2004
Tipping Comp for the 2004 season?
Here's how you Good Bastards can sign up!
1. Go to OzTips.com - http://www.OzTips.com
2. Select "Register", and setup a User account (if you don't already have one at
OzTips.com)
3. Once you have successfully registered a Username and Password, click on
"Tipping" tab and then click "Join a Tipping Comp".
4. You will be asked for an OzTips Competition Number and Password.
The Comp you've been asked to join is:
Comp#: 31350
Password: paddys
5. That's it! Full instructions on how to Tip can be found on the site by
clicking on the "Help" tab.
The Good Bastards Forum
Here is where you can have your say or just have a bloody good laugh
Have your vote on a number of things as well as post a joke or an opinion or two
about pretty much anything. Set up very simply what you would like to see folk
vote on.
• Vote on who you think will win the Super Twelve’s Competition
• Vote on Should America pull out of Iraq
• Vote on other stuff
• Create your own question to vote on.
• Tell us your best yarn
• Stick it up the politically correct bastards
• Post on other stuff
• Comment on the stuff that’s been posted
Check it out at www.goodbastards.com/forum
Email Cameron on
webmaster@goodbastards.com if
you have any trouble getting set up.
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place. His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her three days alone at the apartment to pack up her things.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.
Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not
find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of
money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.
MORAL OF THE STORY
DO NOT MESS WITH A WOMAN!!!!!!!!
Steve Flynn's Irish Archives
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said
that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside
and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood
up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled
through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one
more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he
quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit
the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO
YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on
bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub
just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
GOOD
BASTARDS
RUGBY CLUB
Keeping the Larrikin Spirit Alive
Hi there all you Good Bastards
Advance Notice
Things are coming together for this years Good Bastards Rugby World Cup.
Christchurch
South Island New Zealand
Hosted by the Merivale Club 'Merlins Maulers'
Current Good Bastards Rugby World Cup Holders
SYDENHAM CAVALIERS
It starts with a big do on Friday night the 20th of August 2004
"THE YOU BEAUT, RIPPER, IRISH, GOOD BASTARDS BIG PARTY"
(Everyone is welcome, five bucks a head, food and booze available)
Footy on the Saturday 21st August concluding with a great band and more fun
immediately after
Sunday 22nd August the finals and announcement of this years
GOOD
BASTARDS RUGBY WORLD CUP
Should clubs need a hand in getting to the event we would like to hear from
you to see how we might be able to help with your fund raising.
For too long over 35 Rugby has been driven by the powers that be that skim off
those that have a few bob and make it tough for the average bloke to travel.
The Good Bastards Rugby Club is committed to promoting grass roots rugby and
helping with the problems at club level, especially that of fund raising.
We need all the help we can get to spread the word out there.
It would be great if you could forward this email to everyone you know in over
35 Rugby.
Give us a hand and get the message out to any Good Bastard you think
should know about it
We would love to hear from you, any input, ideas or help is gratefully appreciated.
paddy@goodbastards.com
If you want more information,
contact us.
If you want to register a team, contact us
If you want to know about cheap accommodation, contact us
If you just want come along for the fun, contact us
Of you want to come along to the big do on friday night contact us
If you want to play and you're not in a team, contact us about playing in THE
GOOD BASTARDS ALL STARS team
Looking forward to meeting you.
Paddy Sweeney
0419 553375 (Aus) or 0061 419 553375
paddy@goodbastards.com
www.goodbastards.com
0900 Jokes 0900 56537
(this month Paddy and Hot Rod are poaching ducks in a West Coast National
Park)
Club President 021 375 007 neil@greatevents.com |
Club Captain 021 228 7628 hawk007@xtra.co.nz |
Auckland President |
www.goodbastards.com
Where too much humour is never enough
HANG MAN
Definition: BASTARD OF A BASTARD
A guy who makes love to a woman all night with a four-inch dick,
then kisses her good-bye in the morning with a six-inch tongue.
Tired of being rejected, the husband walked into the bedroom after the wife
went to bed. He handed her two pills and told her, "Here, take these."
She asked, "What are these?"
He told her, "They're aspirins."
"But," she said with a quizzical look, "I don't have a headache."
To which he replies, "Good, let's fuck."
|
Good Bastards Beer I can’t put it any plainer than this: If you
are a Good Bastard, and ya don’t want to die from a million illnesses’ you can
get from chemically brewed beers, then drink Good Bastards Beer. Not only that
it tastes good and you don’t get crook from it. So getitindia. NOW AVAILABLE IN AUSTRALIA CONTACT US AT BEER@GOODBASTARDS.COM |
Pat Condon was pulled up last week by a traffic cop when he was driving around Christchurch with this young lady in his car and said to the cop.
"For Crying out loud they are only Air Bags"
The
Various Ages Of Women
and Men and how they differ
Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade,
especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her
own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and
desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un-patrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past
but alas, no future.
After 70, they become like Afghanistan. everyone knows where it is, but no one
wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a dick
BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE.
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Heres Me Countdown of Really Good Songs that I play in me little tape deck on the digger. Starting from number 16 and counting down 16. I can't get over you until you get out from under him. 15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here 7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him 5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And, The Number 1 Favourite Country Song Of 2003 Is
: 1.
I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, (P.S. He sure as hell got his number one right. PADDY) |
An eyeful a day keeps the doctor away By JONATHAN HAYTER A five-year study of 200 men found
that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood
pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those
who did not get their daily eyeful. |
Dr Karen Weatherby, who carried out the German study, wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation." "There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier." "Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half." |
"We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
|
Don Brashes Personal Story
I was traveling in Rotorua one day with my Maori friend Rangi, when off in
the distance we see a booze bus (police). Rangi thinks this is great and heads
straight for it. We pulls up and Rangi winds his window down and says,
"Two cans of Lion Red thanks mate!!"
The copper looks at me and Rangi and says "You must be drunk! Get out of
your old truck and blow into this bag for me."
Rangi got out of the truck and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that.
I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow
in that."
The cop looks at him and with a bemused look says "OK. In these cases we
require you to give a blood sample."
"Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doing that. I got a letter from the Red Cross
saying I'm a hemophilic and I could bleed to death. Sorry boss, can't do that"
said Rangi.
By now the copper is getting fairly pissed off and finally demands a urine sample
for testing. Rangi looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do that either."
The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that! "
"Bloody oath mate" says Rangi.
"It's from the government. Called the Treaty of Waitangi.
Says that you whites can't take the piss out of us Maori."
ECONOMY CLASS
Warning
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A New Jersey man was found
dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his arse.
Police suspect a cereal killer!
Ok Heres where you can get more gags
and fun stuff than you can cope with.
:-) ==========>
JILLS JOKELINE <=========== :-)
Adult Humor for Mature Adults - Monday-Friday !
Jills Jokeline brings you the "BEST ADULT HUMOR" found on the Net!
Start with a laugh provoking Thought For The Day -
End with Pick Your Poison - And LAUGH all the way in-between!
Go to:
http://www.jillsjokeline.com
BLOW KISS
Gidday
you Good Bastards...
Hope your tipping is going better than mine. Stupid bloody game!!!
FROM A MATE:
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track
of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't
BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little
of that magic.
"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled
and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought
tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
A businessman sends a fax to his wife:
"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and
value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with
my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed
I shall be back home before midnight".
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
"My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I
would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years
old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary
is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge
of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into18. Therefore
I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live
by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied
to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took
her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes
her
on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sonofagun! Was
she pretty?"
"Dunno... never found the head!"
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens,
and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED
here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose
in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road
from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in
no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend
me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against
the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against
the wall and do that?"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil
on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
Someone sent me this nutritional note that could explain quite a lot... For
those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and
health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical
studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British
or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British
or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
How come?
An English princess, with an Egyptian boyfriend, crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car, with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk,
on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you
by a New Zealander, using Bill Gates' technology, and
you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and
a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers, in a Singapore plant, transported
by Indian truck-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Samoan overstayers...
That, my friends, is Globalization.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be
in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from
his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when
we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20
years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says slowly, "I would have gotten
out today".
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife
if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend
either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have
a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the
baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no
money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead
man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of
my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but
I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the
money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could
I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of
my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and
there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the
girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts
crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank heaven for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
Cheers
nick@therock.net.nz
HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...
| Auckland 90.2 FM | Waikato 93.0 FM | |
| Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM | Rotorua 92.7 FM | Taupo 94.3 FM |
| Taranaki 95.6 FM | Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM | Manawatu 95.4 FM |
| Kapati 91.9 FM | Wellingtom 96.3 FM | Nelson 94.6 FM |
| Canterbury 93.7 FM | Otago 93.4 FM | Southland 90.8 FM |
Check out their web site
www.therock.net.nz
Where there is a will there
is a way.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's
arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected,
turns over. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?"
For the first time in ralph's life his Birthday wish
came true.
However, it wasn't the big, hairy beaver he was hoping for.
Charlies Away
In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending
he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2.The nurse asks him, "Charlie!
What are you doing?" Charlie replied "Can't talk right now I'm driving
to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The
next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary
car and she asks "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says "I'm
exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's
great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The
nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients'
room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised
she shouts "Ed what are you doing ! ? " To which Ed replies, Shhh,
I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago".
US Airforce finds cracks in helicopter
What Various so called wise bastards said:
People are born ignorant not stupid; they are made stupid by
education.
Mark Twain
"Hey teacher ............... " "All in all ................ "
Pink
In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
Nietzsche
Friendship is a very taxing and arduous form of leisure activity.
Mortimer Adler
A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.
Kin Hubbard
Beggars should be abolished.
It annoys one to give to them,
and it annoys one not to give to them.
Nietzsche
Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable.
George Bernard Shaw
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
George Bernard Shaw
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anaesthesia.
H.L. Mencken
To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody.
Quentin Crisp
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields
I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.
Oscar Wilde
Psychoanalysis is the mental illness it purports to cure.
Karl Kraus
Hatred is by far the longest pleasure.
People love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
Lord Byron
The only thing worse than being talked about
is not being talked about.
Oscar Wilde
Government is an association of people who do violence to the rest of us.
Leo Tolstoy
Whoever is not a misanthrope at forty can never have loved mankind.
Nicolas Chamfort
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain
On the whole human beings want to be good,
but not too good, and not all the time.
George Orwell
CHICKEN-POPS
Its only a matter of time …….. THIS SITE WILL AFFECT THE WAY YOU THINK
If you really want to know how stuffed we are as a society then take the time
to explore this site. I will bet you that you are not prepared for what it reveals.
Take the time to go right through it. It is an experience we all need to have.
http://www.angelfire.com/extreme4/kiddofspeed/
A Bit Of A Wag On Google
Try this very soon, before someone forces Google to fix its
site:
1. Go to http://www.google.com.au/
2. Type "Weapons of mass destruction" (don't hit
enter)
3. Hit the "I'm Feeling lucky" button, not the google
search.
4. Read the "error message" carefully. Someone at
google really has a sense of humour, and will probably be fired soon.....
THREE WACKY SITES FOR YOU TO CHECK OUT
This weeks wacky site is for those who need to have their computer
screen cleaned from the inside.
http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/ciagnijcycka.swf
When you have buggar all to do click here
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/createcaric.shtml
Then Here
http://www.electronicorphanage.com/neen/demo/clinger.swf
I BEAT ANOREXIA
|
Many Thanks
Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of
interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times,
some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We
receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of
what we think is good material.
Many Thanks! |
The Last Word from Paddy
I came upon this recently. Written by an unknown author it is well worth a read.
The death of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the
name of Common Sense. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life
to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks
get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly
laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited
with cultivating such valued lessons as: to know when to come in out of the
rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than
you earn), reliable parenting strategies (adults are in charge, not kids), and
adages such as "it's okay to come in second." A veteran of the Industrial
Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense
survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing,
whole language and "new math."
But his health declined when he became infected with the "if-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it"
virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages
of overbearing federal regulation. He watched in pain as good people became
ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated
when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies, reports made of
six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a
teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student. His health declined even further when schools
had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform
the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion. Finally,
Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband,
churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims,
and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional
sports.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived
by three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner. Not many attended his funeral
because so few realized he was gone.
- Author Unknown
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