Coming to you from The crystal Clear pool at Good Bastards HQ.
 

Thought for the day: "The narrower the mind the broader the prejudice."
Second Shot Thought for the day: "There is none so blind than those that will not see."
 

Waitangi Day needs to be renamed
“New Zealand Day”
Or if it is to continue in its current form
“Confrontation Day”

Lets Claim Back The Lost Passion Of New Zealand Day

It is currently supposed to be a day of pride and passion for all New Zealanders. Instead it would be better called confrontation day. About all that happens is that is that folk laze around and wait for the six o clock news to see what confrontation took place up at Russell.

Lets get one thing straight here, I have no problem about the right of protest. If the Maori people have a bitch about something they have the same right as we all do to vent their spleens in any legal way they choose, perhaps even bend the rules a bit.

However what has happened is that Waitangi Day also known as New Zealand Day has been high jacked for political reasons.

Let those who want go and have a protest up at Russell or down at Haast or wherever, but lets not destroy our National Pride on New Zealand Day.

Australia leaves New Zealand for dead
when it comes to the celebration of
their National Day
 

Conversely in Australia on the 26th of January, Australia Day, it is a day of immense pride and celebration.

Saint Pam and I went along to the Aussie Day Celebrations on the Gold Coast and it was a great day. There was a Rodeo, chopping, running races with huge cash prizes, two stages with continuous entertainment (One devoted entirely to Aussie culture of yarn telling, bush poetry and some old favourites like The Man From Snowy River, along with a great array of Aussie traditional songs.)

There was some great aboriginal dancing and didgeridoo playing.

There were old steam engines and a parade great old restored cars and heaps and heaps of other stuff going on.

You could even get up and have a smack at singing yourself.

Schools had their best talent, and boy weren’t they good.

There was a line up of all sorts of food stands that represented the mix of cultures that make up Australia. Australia is recognised as the most multi national cultured country in the world.

Side shows and dodgems abounded and of course there was a few watering holes, killing off people with the chemically brewed grog.

The Aussie flag and traditions dominated, not only on the Gold Coast but right throughout the country, from the smallest towns to the biggest cities. The TV, the Radio, the media, the schools, the clubs the commercial sector. Pretty much every bastard participates in a day of National Pride.

Differences on race, creed or colour are put away and the country comes together on this great day. People everywhere greet each other with “Happy Australia Day”

New Zealand needs to get its deep and strong passion going in a similar unified fashion instead of this confrontation bullshit.

Before writing this I contacted a number of Maori blokes about their views and they all agreed its time for a unified nation not one caught up in the “gimme’s” .

There will always be those that produce and those that want it given to them. And it is the castrated spineless politicians that dish out in gay abandon what the producers create. Its called buying the vote.

It’s not just a Good Bastard thing, it’s a thing that deserves the support of all for the good of all. Maori, white, and all others on this one day, putting aside their differences and celebrating together. Go back to the protesting the next day if you want but let us take back our day and make something of it.

Many others have talked about such a thing, but what have they done ! ! ! ! ! !

BUGGAR ALL

Well this little black duck is a doer, not a talker. Good Bastards will start it next year with an appropriate event(s) and encourage the rest of the country to get behind the passion and pride of being a Kiwi and take it on further and reclaim the lost passion of New Zealand Day.

Don’t leave it to government. All politicians are, are glorified prima donnas that can’t get their five minutes of fame in the real world. What a joke putting the two words “politically correct” in the same sentence. It’s an impossibility to have correct and any thing to do with a politician in the same sentence.

What we are talking about here requires decisiveness. Something most party politics takes away from their political representatives.

How can you have representation of the people in your electorate when your party hierarchy tell you what to do? We have been doused to death and conned blind on that one on the West Coast.

Well Good Bastards are decisive. We make decisions and move forward. You can’t progress when you are looking back.

C’mon Kiwi C’mon. When we say that word Kiwi we mean all New Zealanders.
 

Now this is going to cost you a coupla bob and I’m quite pleased about that. At this stage it is only available in New Zealand

0900 JOKES
or who for those who can’t spell
0900 56537

Greg Lincoln (The Hot Rod Lincoln) is the other voice on the recording. Greg is a bloke fast making a name for himself as a breakfast announcer. Remember that name. Greg Lincoln you will hear much more of him.

Any way Greg and the self get into a bit of good West Coast humour and will update it every coupla weeks.

Don’t forget to check it out.

Paddy Sweeney
and the
GOOD BASTARDS SHOW

Mel Jacobson from Levin approached me a few months ago about doing a Good Bastards Show in Levin as a fundraiser for the Cancer Society. I met up with Mel and Lyn and some of the good folk at the Cozzie club in Levin and here's the story thus far:

C’mon and laugh ya guts out with the original Good Bastard

You haven’t heard anything until you’ve heard Paddy in full flight!

Supported By Craven Noble
Genuine Good Bastard and all round Great Muso

The Stories will be told
The Yarns they will be spun
The Songs they will be sung

”Heaps of Good Bastards Secret Business”

and of course a Coupla Beers

And there will also be

Prizes and Surprises

8 PM
The Cozzie Club
LEVIN

6th March 2004

All Proceeds to the Cancer Society’s Relay For Life
Tables of ten available

To Book Ring Mel Jacobson on 06 368 3112

Charlie Miller From Irelands Picture of a duck
(Ya cant help but love those Irish Gals)

Designated Filler
The day when Nick From the Rock got hold of the mike and said

"You can only come on this Flight if you leave your clothes and luggage behind"


 

Having a bad day at work? Not after you read this

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laugh line, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my arse.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.

You Thought Wrong

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
There was a meeting in Dublin about Drink Driving that Murphy attended.
The first speaker got up and went on at some length about the fact that 10% of accidents are caused by drunk drivers.
Murphy got up and moved a motion to bring down the price of drink and make Ireland a safer place to drive.
“How will that help” asked the Chairbastard
“Well 90% of accidents are caused by non-drinkers. We have to get rid of the bastards”
 

Its here again.

The Good Bastards
Super Twelve Tipping Comp
 

Do you want to join a Super 12 2004
Tipping Comp for the 2004 season?


Here's how you Good Bastards can sign up!

1. Go to OzTips.com - http://www.OzTips.com 
2. Select "Register", and setup a User account (if you don't already have one at OzTips.com)
3. Once you have successfully registered a Username and Password, click on "Tipping" tab and then click "Join a Tipping Comp".
4. You will be asked for an OzTips Competition Number and Password.
The Comp you've been asked to join is:
Comp#: 31350
Password: paddys
5. That's it! Full instructions on how to Tip can be found on the site by clicking on the "Help" tab.


 

The Good Bastards Forum

Here is where you can have your say or just have a bloody good laugh

Have your vote on a number of things as well as post a joke or an opinion or two about pretty much anything. Set up very simply what you would like to see folk vote on.

• Vote on who you think will win the Super Twelve’s Competition
• Vote on Should America pull out of Iraq
• Vote on other stuff
• Create your own question to vote on.
• Tell us your best yarn
• Stick it up the politically correct bastards
• Post on other stuff
• Comment on the stuff that’s been posted

Check it out at www.goodbastards.com/forum

Email Cameron on webmaster@goodbastards.com if you have any trouble getting set up.
 

Why Women are so Crabby!!!
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears.

Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).

Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his arse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.

Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.

When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says,

"Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

The teen years.

Need I say more?

The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got
you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale:

"The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood.

It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake:

Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby.

Women are the "weaker sex."?
Yeah right.
Bite me.

And another thing
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.

From Kaye Hayes in Ireland
We live in a very small worldand it never hurts to have a reminder; a nice way to put "things" in perspective.

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male ( four blokes get two women or four women miss out entirely)

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need
for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

The following is also something to ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ...you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 70% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.


Helen Clarks Plane crashed
http://photos.imageevent.com/helenron/humor//websize/NTSB%20Pictures%20Hillary%20Clinton%20crash%20site.jpg
 

DOES THIS CAR MAKE MY ARSE LOOK BIG?

The Good Bastards Rugby Club



Kiwi team from Hokitika throw the ball in against Christchurch Marist
 

At last I am finally getting to put up some photos on the Rugby section from Last Years Rugby World Cup CLICK HERE


Check out the details of the forthcoming Rugby Sevens Title in Los Angles

http://www.channel1media.com/usasevens/

Pommy Women
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms:

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being stuck out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

PMS COLA

Two lesbians walk into a brothel. They ask for the youngest

woman in the joint. The Madam says that she will not allow

the youngest girl any time with them. The lesbians make the

demand again, "We want the youngest girl here."

The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."

SIGN

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"! The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
 
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things: First - The bartender is a blonde girl. Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl. Third - I'm a 6 foot tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. and Fifth - The lady to your righ t is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
 
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." !

Hold it! Something has just arrived from the Governor!

Pat Condon The Day He Crashed the New Truck

Good Bastards DEAL OF THE MONTH

How about a Good Bastards t-shirt worth twenty five bucks and any two of Paddy’s four books worth Twenty to twenty five bucks each plus postage of around ten bucks.

Total value SEVENTY FIVE BUCKS. This month of Feb only FIFTY BUCKS

Its NZ$50.00 in NZ. AUS$50.00 in Australia . US$50.00 in the States or Canada.
UK50Pound in the UK. EURO50 In Ireland.

Limited to fist 30 to apply.

Pick two of these books by Paddy

· The Larrikins Guide to Success
· It’s A Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard
· The Good Bastards Huge Joke Book
· Stuff You Will Never Learn At School


Email to matesrates@goodbastards.com with your phone number, we’ll get your size and address and arrange payment.


 

PAT CONDON WHEN HE WAS SHITTING HIS PANTS

Ok Heres where you can get more gags
and fun stuff than you can cope with.

:-) ==========> JILLS JOKELINE <=========== :-)

Adult Humor for Mature Adults - Monday-Friday !

Jills Jokeline brings you the "BEST ADULT HUMOR" found on the Net!

Start with a laugh provoking Thought For The Day -

End with Pick Your Poison - And LAUGH all the way in-between!
 
Go to: http://www.jillsjokeline.com

Gidday you Good Bastards...

If you get a chance to get your hands on a copy of Paddy's Book, "Stuff You Will Never Learn At School" then I recommend it. I just started reading the bastard and the first two chapters have me hooked already (send the cheque to the usual address Paddy).

A bit rude this month... but I'm sure you can all handle it...
 
What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.
 
One day little Johnny was playing with his toy train and it was going round and round. When he stopped it he said, "all you sons of bitches getting on, get on, and all you sons of bitches gettin off, get off."
His mother comes in and says, "What did you say young man? Go to your room and think about what you said."
So after 4 hours his mother comes and says, "Come eat some supper and then you can play with your train again."
After supper little Johnny goes back to his train and says, "all you sons of bitches getting on, get on, and all you sons of bitches gettin off, get off, and all you sons of bitches pissed off about the delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"
 
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" 
 
And to finish with... a picture of a bus.

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

The Real Perspective From Mans Best Friend
1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny.

2.  Yelling at me for barking...  I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!!

3.  Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

4.  Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

5.  Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.  Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6.  The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.  You fooled a dog.  What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nit-wit.

7.  Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

8.  Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.  Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9.  How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth...you're just jealous.

10.  Dog sweaters.  Have you noticed the fur – imbecile

 

Here is the truth about how Dish Washers work

 

THREE WACKY SITES FOR YOU TO CHECK OUT

http://www.myshutter.com/flash/smiley-back.swf

http://www.lynxlips.com/uk/

http://www.jillsjokeline.com/harmonicmotion.shtml




 

 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

The Last Word from Paddy

Hope you enjoyed it you Good Bastards!

 

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

---

Last Update: 16/02/2004

© 2001-2002 Good Bastards Privacy Statement visits, and still going!

Site Design & Maintenance by