Coming to you from The crystal Clear pool at Good Bastards HQ.
(I bought a new filter and have done myself out of 8 hours work a day)
 

Thought for the day: "The more you get for nothing, the less you finish up with."

 

The Good Bastards
“Up Ya’s”
for a great start to 2004
 

Up Ya Mad Cow Bastard
As seen by John Chuckman

Lets face it there are heap of bastards out there that slow the bike down to the point that it could topple. So lets do the “Up Ya’s” and put them in perspective.

Up Ya to all the bank manager bastards

Up Ya to all the politician bastards

Up Ya to all the politically correct bastards

Up Ya to all the do gooder bastards

Up Ya to the yippy yappy yuppie bastards

Up Ya to all the complaining bastards.

Up Ya to all the red tape government bastards

Up Ya to the thievin lawyer bastards

Up Ya to those arseholes on the roads with the cameras bastards

Up Ya to those bastards that don't pay bastards

Up Ya to all the terrist bastards

Up Ya to all the bastards who tinks dey can ssspells and only have one way of spelin stuff, barstards

Up Ya to the yappin save the world and kill every bastards Yanks bastards

Up Ya to those poms that whinge bastards

Up Ya to Johnny, ‘saying me bloody prayers here' Wilkinson bastard

Up Ya to every other bastard that makes life difficult for no particular reason.

Up Ya to the bloody queen bastard

Up Ya to the presedence Bush bastard

Up Ya to John, yes what ever you want George, Howard bastard.

Up Ya to Helen, stuff you feral bastards, Clark, bastard

Up Ya to Tony BLAH BLAH Blair bastard

Up Ya to Insane Saddam bastard

Up Ya to Omy sick bastard bin larden bastard

Up Ya to the lying weather forcastin bastards

Up Ya to all the paedophile priest bastards with a red hot poker up their arses, bastards

Up Ya to Adam for eatin the fuxen apple, bastard.

Up Ya to the NZRU for stuffin up grass roots rugby bastards

Up Ya to all dobbin in bastards

Up Ya to all the greedy bastards, bastards

Up Ya to all the snobby bastards, bastards

Up Ya to all the posh bastards, bastards.

Up Ya to all the flash bastards, bastards.

Up Ya to all those bastards that won’t give a hand, bastards



That just leaves us Good Bastards. So now that we have the “Up Ya’s” out of the way lets get on with it.

GO YOU GOOD BASTARD in 2004
ITS GUNNA BE A GREAT ONE

The Good Bastards Forum and Survey

The bloody thing is finally here! The Good Bastards Discussion forum is partially operational right now! You can check it out at www.goodbastards.com/forum - but you need to register!

Cam's "How to" guide:

• Visit www.goodbastards.com/forum - then, before you do anything else:

• Click on "Register" at the top right of the window.

• This will bring up a disclaimer / warning that you MUST read. Yes yes, I know, it says a lot of very restrictive things, and you're all probably going to think that it's not exactly in the Good Bastards spirit. Well, to an extent it's not. But suffice it to say that the same rules that govern this site (in terms of treading the line between vulgar and humourous) will govern the forum. Oh, and nothing that violates any laws. Click on which ever "I agree" button applies to you.

• You will then see the forum registration form. Fill in as much as you can and then click the submit button.

• In order to process your rego, the forum will send a confirmation email to the address you provided. Simply wait a few moments and check your email, then do as instructed in that.

• Once you have done that, you should be registered! Revisit www.goodbastards.com/forum - you may need to login - this button will also be on the menu at the top right. Simply click it, enter your username and password and ensure that the "log me on automatically" option is selected and you'll never have to login again.

• Now you're ready to get posting!

So what's going on at the forum now?

Visit the survey section and speak your mind on the following!

Do You Think the various Ruby Union Boards that run each country have put the death knell on ‘Grass Roots Rugby’?

Do you think England deserved to win the Rugby World Cup?

Visit the forum now!

Four Wheel Muster
The Two Wheel and Quad Bike Ride of the Year

Saturday 7th of February 2004
Waitangi weekend
Hokitika
10 am ROAR OFF

We'll be leaving on the bikes from Phil Routhan's place in
Kaniere (plenty of parking) Helmets Essential.

TWENTY BUCKS registration includes lunch - SURPLUS GOES ON THE BAR

Heading for secret parts of the West Coast seldom seen by man nor beast

An experience of unparalled fun and adventure

The After Muster Function will be at the Southland Hotel Back Bar
(Gotta have a beer with Paddy)

Plus The Good Bastards Four Wheel Muster Awards!

To Register ring Barry Wilson, President, Good Bastards Four Wheel Muster Club on:
Home 03 755 6140 Work 03 755 7775

Or Ernie Dingo, Vice President, Four Wheel Muster Club on:
03 755 6114

For accommodation ring the Southland Hotel
03 7558344

The Good Bastards Code of Conduct applies and must be signed before participating or you are deemed to be not participating

Paddy Sweeney
and the
GOOD BASTARDS SHOW

Mel Jacobson from Levin approached me a few months ago about doing a Good Bastards Show in Levin as a fundraiser for the Cancer Society. I met up with Mel and Lyn and some of the good folk at the Cozzie club in Levin and here's the story thus far:

C’mon and laugh ya guts out with the original Good Bastard

You haven’t heard anything until you’ve heard Paddy in full flight!

Supported By Craven Noble
Genuine Good Bastard and all round Great Muso

The Stories will be told
The Yarns they will be spun
The Songs they will be sung

”Heaps of Good Bastards Secret Business”

and of course a Coupla Beers

And there will also be

Prizes and Surprises

8 PM
The Cozzie Club
LEVIN

6th March 2004

All Proceeds to the Cancer Society’s Relay For Life
Tables of ten available

To Book Ring Mel Jacobson on 06 368 3112

WOW!!
What a time we had prior to Christmas

Good Bastards Day – Good Bastards Golf – The Ranfurly Seat - The Do At The Southland - Stuff You Will Never learn at School – World Cup

Lets deal with these three big issues one at a time and in order of their importance.

Good Bastards Day


Pete Jones with the Bullshit Shovel

Good Bastard Peter Jones and Paddy about to kick off in the sensible version of golf , GOOD BASTARDS GOLF

The weather forecast said it was going to piss down. But how often are those bastards ever right?

Good Bastards Day proved the boffins wrong once more and we had a pearler of a day. It started off with the Golf. While the serious punters belted a small white ball around with looks on their faces like they were carrying hernias. Peter Jones and the self launched the first ever GOOD BASTARDS GOLF Game ever to be played on the planet

GOOD BASTARDS GOLF came about out of sheer necessity. As most of the world knows, the folk who designed golf in the first place got it wrong. They got it wrong on several counts.

The bloody ball is too small.
The hole you are supposed to put it in is far too bloody small
You have to have a bag to carry around half a hardware shop to hit the friggin thing. (some even have to have a trolley and even others have this useless little truck that could even put a wheelbarrow soil of in to lug around the hardware.
Hit the bloody ball into a bit of a dam and the bastard sinks.
Kick the frigger into the scrub and you loose the bastard.
And to top that off the bloody exercise isn’t much fun.
And one more thing you don’t dig great holes in the paddock or the lawn like those stupid sticks do.

Well GOOD BASTARDS GOLF eliminates ALL those problems.

First off we have a decent sized ball. About the size of a small soccer ball.
Second: you don’t need all those stupidly overpriced bits of concrete reinforcing iron with a flash handle and a stupid lug on the bottom.

An old 1 litre Yoghurt pot can serve as a bit of a mounting yard to give ya a fair go when you are kicking off.

You put the Yoghurt pot on the half a lawn bit with the two bricks on it, run back like you were going to kick for goal and then boot the living shit out of the ball to see how far you can kick it.

You aim in the general direction of the lawn bit with flag and the piddlie fart hole.

Once on this lawn bit, you then take a gentle kick for touch and try and hit the flag.

In the meantime you have been counting the kicks and the one with the least kicks wins the hole and then owes the bloke or shelia a carton of Good Bastards Beer for being such a useless bastard and not winning.

On this auspicious day of the world first game Peter Bloody Jones won. We only played four flagpoles as we were tonguing for a drink and for some stupid reason never brought any of the life saving elixir with us.

The game will go on and prosper much to the disgust of the lemon chewin bastards that whack the other little white peanut around the farm with the lawns and claim to derive some pleasure out of it.

Ya know listening to these poor bastards (and believe it not some of them are actually Good Bastards) most of them have haemorrhoids, ulcers, big fat guts and are generally unhealthy in any form that seems to be possible and getting worse. They also tend to drink chemically brewed beer and one by one their arses pack up and they fall off the planet which is all a rather sad when the options are so readily available.

I think I will coin the slogan “Drink Chemically Brewed Beer and look forward to a crook way of dieing” Alan Absolam reckons all doctors agree on that. All you bastards drinking chemically brewed crap, your enemy’s are laughing so I suppose that’s something.

Back to GOOD BASTARDS GOLF; The first tournament in the world is being played in Levin on December the 19th this year. It is a three person team event and is limited to 18 teams and will be played over nine flagpoles.

It is a fund raiser and the man to contact is Greg Lincoln on 021 354 734. Greg is one of the good bastards and along with Clive drive the breakfast program on 95 FM the number one place to listen to in the Howerphenua.

And one more thing you don’t dig great holes in the paddock or the lawn like those stupid sticks do.

The Ranfurly Seat

The Canterbury team in the Red and Black
And the West Coast Good Bastards Team in Black

The inaugural game between Canterbury and West Coast for the Ranfurly Seat was played in brilliant conditions. It was a hard fought challenge with the Scotty Williams organised team from Christchurch playing good but not good enough to take the “OLE SEAT” And that was with Scotty being the Ref.

The Canterbury boys vowed they had not had a drink in the bus on the way over. The bottles rolling around the floor actually came from the previous hire of the bus, a bunch of crochet knitters from Rangiora.

The West Coast team was well supported from the Grey Valley club who took the after match function very serious and won that up until about 10 pm.

It was about then the Canterbury boys started to come good with some hanging on for grim right through until a bit after daylight. The ref seeing that it was duty to keep refing right through until the last player laid themselves down to rest.

The actual game was so close that the winner had to be decided with a vote in the bar and by the narrowest of margins, like only about 90% the vote went to the valiant West Coast side. (I use to have a valiant back in 74)

The Canterbury side vowed to return next year and put in a bit more effort. They did win the after match function and next year reckon they will also take out the haka competition.

A special thanks to Scotty Williams who put in the hard yards in getting the Canterbury team together and over for the event.

Goog McGill and his boys also put their shoulders to the scrum to get the Coast team together.

Biggest smile of the event went to a bloke called Don, he just couldn’t stop smiling. Should be more of it.

The Do at the Southland

Rachel Teen did a fine job of hosting the day to a packed crowd. Georgie Stewart donated a Pig, which apparently Rachel killed, and the Southland complimented that with a huge spread of salads and other good stuff. It was set up in the back bar and those who wanted to take a more sedate approach to proceedings continued on from that position.

The little bar next to the lounge also attracted a solid following with complimented a full house all around.

Everyone had a bloody great scoff and then settled down to the serious business of drinking, bullshitting, yarning, singing, trying to sing, just sitting there drinking Good Bastards beer, having a bet, serious discussion on the World Cup and other stuff far too secret to let on about.

The music was absolutely brilliant from the team from the Woodstock music club. Ricky Hetherington wowed the crowd with his singing and playing the Guitar. This young fella is going to the top in the music world. Make no bones about that.

Father and son Des and Dean Hetherington, half of one of New Zealand's leading bands “The Coal Rangers” along with Rick O’Shane lead a group of musicians that would have impressed the harshest critic.

The “Do” went on for a while into the next day and all those that stuck to Good Bastards Beer woke up in marathon running nick later that morning. To the poor bastards that drank the chemicals and food coloured beer, serves ya bloody right ya useless bastards.

Ricky Hetherington, future superstar, wowing the crowd at Good Bastards Day
With his Dad, Des Hetherington plucking away in the background

The Good Bastards Rugby Club

Keith Hogarth appointed Good Bastard Head Narna for the Auckland Region
A secret Good Bastards meeting was held at the Auckland Aerodrome between Keith Hogarth and Paddy and some serious planning was muted to get a Good Bastards tournament underway in the Auckland region.

Keith graciously accepted the gong to be the head narna for the Auckland Region.

If you want to get your team involved or just want a game give Keith a hoy on 09 274 2613

From that tournament we will be seeking to select a North Island team based on the biggest and best larrikins.

This will then roll into The Bleeding Slow Cup a tournament muted to played on the Gold Coast where the All Blahs and The Wally Be’s teams will play for the Bleeding Slow.





 

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . .whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! .
The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,

"Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND .
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
notice
women's
problems
start
men?

For all those men who say about marriage,
"...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?".

Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.


 

New Good Bastards Lingo for 2004
New Words the politically correct bastards don’t know about.
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.


 

Paddy's Grandkids: Finn & Tiarna

You are not going to believe this Stuff
INNER SKELETON- a 63 yr old widow was admitted to the hospital in Reclife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of fetus, which she conceived a decade ago. It had become
lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA- A 500lb woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. ( Don’t knock the Volvo)
PRICKLY PAIR- In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had " .a rat in her privates.." And it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have come up with). After examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE?- A 20 yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring he mix into his anus using a funnel (as you do)!!!! The concrete then set (no shit), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy, we live sheltered lives!!)
BLIND DRUNK- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to pull out the membrane of his cornea.
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!- A couple hobbled into Washington ER covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors
that they had gone out for a romantic dinner that evening. Overcome with passion! , the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING A BAD DAY!!!!
"Lift not the painted veil which those who live call life"




 

The Legends Of The Far North

Pig Hunters and Drovers Camp



Dion Hobson

In December last year a mate of John Hynds, Chairman of the board of Good Bastards was contacted by an old mate of his called Cheeky Yates about having a Good Bastards Legends of the Far North trip. Well the trip went ahead and was a great success as the below photo and note from Dion Hobson would indicate.

Kia Ora Good Bastards...My Name is Dion Hobson, last weekend we had a Pig
Hunters and Drovers camp that Cheeky Yates of the Far North put together for a tale telling camp out weekend, I would like to acknowledge that Cheeky Yates and his family organised a bloody good weekend for all the legends of the Far North and at the same time promoting your beer GOOD BASTARDS, they made sure everyone got a trial of it weather a sniff a lick or a gulp everyone trialed the LAGER flavour. At the end of the weekend they were all saying they were GOOD BASTARDS.
Once again your brew along side Cheeky and the family made the awesome
weekend..............
Thanks GOOD BASTARDS


 

Gidday you Good Bastards...

These are currently doing the rounds... like Michael at Kindys.
Michael Jackson’s new group: The Jackson Five and Under!
Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
"Feel the World."
Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
He was choking on a small bone!
What's the worst stain to try and remove from little boy's underpants?
Michael Jackson's makeup.
What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
His other hand.
Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.
Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
He thought it was a delivery service.
What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
Michael Jackson.
What did Michael Jackson say to his credit card?
You are not alone, I am plastic too.


What do you get if you cross a giant ape with whipped egg whites and sugar?
Merangue-atan
Why did the Siamese twins move to New York?
So the other one could drive.

My friend is a kindy teacher. She was telling me how she asked the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a policeman. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance:
"Hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
The All Blacks will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thanks God" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"


Cheers
 

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

THIS WEEK'S WACKY SITE IS...
This is what happens when you drink Good Bastards Beer. Not only that you don’t get the sticking rotten headaches and crook guts that the chemically brewed . sugar added crap that some breweries call beer.
http://www.sydes.net/jokes/flash/beer.swf

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

The Last Word from Paddy

Well all you Good Bastards here we back bigger and brighter than ever. Sorry about the delay in getting the site up. Well nah, I’m not sorry. Needed a bit of a break so I sort of said “Up Ya’s” for a while.

We are now back and racing and a massive year ahead. The Good Bastards News will coming out on a monthly basis from here on in.

Heres to a great 2004. Let the games begin ………

 

Finn and Darryl attacking Paddy with Water Blasters

 

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

---

Last Update: 04/02/2004

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