Issue 92 - October 2003

Coming to you from Camp Paddy (No George Wanker Bush, Blah Blah Blair or 'How am I going George? Howard' here) in the heart of somewhere good, planning Good Bastards Day and other Good Bastards secret business.

Thought for the day: "Hold your farts in, they travel up your spine, into your brain and that's where you get crap ideas from."

AWARD WINNING
Good Bastards Beer Available In Australia
LIMITED QUANTITY AVAILABLE AS A TEST RUN

In conjunction with Good Bastards John McEwan and David Pennell who came over from Australia last year to the Good Bastards Day, we now have a limited shipment of Good Bastards Beer available in Australia.

You can buy it by eight six packs for $116.00 Australian plus freight delivered to your door any where in Australia. Or you can pick it up in Canberra in lessor quantities at $15.95 for a six pack.

Each six pack has a complimentary Joke book
Two varieties:
1. Good Bastards Dark
2. Good Bastards Lager

The worlds Most Humorous Beer
More laughs on a session of this than any other beer on the planet.
Naturally Brewed, wont kill you.
No Food Colouring
No artificial flavouring
No Chemicals
The carton is so sturdy you could build a house out of the bastards. Well that’s what Pat Condon Reckons.
It’s not only good its good for you
Don’t mix your drinks, just stick to Good Bastards and you don’t get a hangover.
Limit availability, Don’t miss out!

This Is the Room
Where much of the
Proceedings will take place

“Be a part of the legend of Good Bastards and be at the Day where it all began.”

Don’t miss out!!!

Yipppeeee yi ooooo Its nearly here. And what a ball terror of a day its going to be. Can’t tell you very much just yet, more details will unfold in each edition.

If you are half smart you will be ringing the Southland Hotel. (Home of the legend) and book yourself a few nights accommodation. 03 755 8344

You might want to get there on the Sunday the 2nd of November and get settled in, you might even want to join a few well known Good Bastards that night for a bit of an early run at an undisclosed venue released only to those who book early.

My Mate Nicks Big Tip

Melbourne Cup folk have seen fit to copy us and have their big race on the same day. Early Tip: My Mate Nick, who has about forty horses and gives me a few winners, trouble is they don’t bloody win, doesn’t matter, its only money and he has to get me one sooner or later. He has given me a few that have won and I have said, oh yeah who you kiddin! THEN the bastards win and pay a poultice. So now I can’t afford to let him go. Nicks Good Oil is Distinctly Secret. Now if that bastards wins I can pay the house off. If it looses I have to sell the house. I put the name in small printin account we don’t want too many people knowing about it. If the bastard wins it might get me back to GO but without the two hundred. The frigger gave a good clue in the Caulfield as to its class. It rattled down the home straight like a fart down the colon and into the fresh air giving a warning that the next train will a good bastard. I always said that race should be fifty metres longer. Still I got a bit of the doins back.

Plenty of Good Bastards Beer
Plenty of Good Tucker
Fantastic Music
Other entertainment
Girls for the boys
Boys for the girls
Talent quest
Good Bastards Hand Grenades
Prizes
The Good Bastards Awards
The Good Bastards Nude Race
The Good Bastards Golf Classic (A Green Jacket event)
Launch of the next Good Bastards Book
Plus heaps of famous Good Bastards
Plenty of whitebait

Some Of The Very Special Stuff we will be doing
Amongst the fun and frivolity of the days Three Big Things stand out:

The First Big Thing
Good Bastards Golf
The Good Bastards Golf Classic is our annual Ambrose event. (That’s means you tee off from the furtherest whack that you or your mates sends in the general direction of the hole.) Its twenty bucks plus green fees which are stuff all.
The twenty goes into a kitty and is dived up between first, second and third.
It is then invested on the Melbourne Cup by the Grand Master.

A select group of four Good Bastards will be playing the very first game of GOOD BASTARDS GOLF ever in the history of the world. It is hush hush at the moment as we don’t want some other bastard stealing our plunder. It is covered under intellectual property, but who needs the shit fight.
Golf will be taking a gigantic step forward on that day, as much of the frustration will be eliminated normally associated with the game.

The Second Big Thing
The Fart Tax
New Zealand lead the world in many things, and the advent of being the first country in the world to have a “Fart Tax” would have to been a crowning event should it proceed.
It is all about “Cows Farting” and blowing holes in the Ozone Layer.
The Minister of Fart Tax (obviously not a cow lover or even a lover of the esteemed act of farting) wanted to introduce the Fart Tax to all the farmers so much a cow to help patch up the hole in the sky. (This is Real)
Well to cut a long, but stupidly hilarious story short, the farmers’ reaction bought the Minister Of Fart Tax to heal and he supposedly has canned the idea of the Fart Tax.
We all know that a politicians word is about as good as a two bob watch. So we intend to launch the

Not going to pre-empt what that is, would spoil the big event. It’s going to a lot of fun and NO, Bloody Leo, it is not a farting contest or anything like that.
Just make sure you are at Good Bastards day and be part of this world-shattering event. It will probably make it to headline news in all forms of media.

The Third Big Thing
The Ranfurly Seat
Auckland might have pinched the Ranfurly Shield off Canterbury, but who gives a shit now that the Ranfurly Seat has come into existence. It will eventually be a much bigger and more cherished prize than the other bloody thing.
All things being equal and they seldom are, we are working on an annual Good Bastards Match between West Coast and Canterbury.
It will a game played on Good Bastards terms and bound to be a lot of fun.
All things being equal, there will be a bus coming over the hill on the Tuesday Morning and returning on the Wednesday Morning.
Interested in being on the Good Bastards Day Bus? Email me now, a few seats are left.
If you are interested in playing in the over 35 Canterbury or West Coast sides, also email me. Getting the teams together for the first event being mid week is a bit of a call, so give us a hand ya useless bastard.
We are doing some fund raising to pay for at least part of the bus charter. The Southland Hotel has a great rate on the rooms. BLOODY MAD IF YOU DON’T COME.

In the spirit of Good Bastards motto “Keeping The Larrikin Spirit Alive” the Ranfurly Seat has even deeper and even more humorous implications.
On Good Bastards Day we will be picking a Good Bastards South Island Side. NOW HERE'S THE SPIN: Its not being picked on playing ability. It is being picked on Larrkinism.
We will be picking a team who are the biggest larrikins on the day on the paddock.

A future tournament in the North Island will see a similar team picked based on the biggest Larrikins.

From those two teams we will examine the larrikin activities and submissions of those two teams and then select THE GOOD BASTARDS ALL BLAHS.
This will be the Good Bastards New Zealand national side. A prestigious place to be if ever there was one.

A similar series of events will take place in Australia and will result in an Australian National Side called THE GOOD BASTARDS WALLA BE'S, all based on the biggest larrikins who participate.

From those two teams, based on larrikinism, we will select the GOOD BASTARDS WORLD FIFTEEN.
Now won’t that be something else. Imagine the piss up!!! Well where will it be and when?

The Bleeding Slow Cup
It is planned that this will cumulate with an annual very cost effective event called the Bleeding Slow Cup. The first one will be at the Gold Coast, no date has been set as we need to get a lot to happen and it will only happen if some of you bastards out there in Good Bastards Rugby Land get behind this idea in your area and be a part of bringing it together.
We will be running various things to help provide the funds for all you Good Bastards to come to and participate in these Great Events.

The Other Big News
We have just finished our second twelve months on the web. Our first year we had 20 000 visitors which meant we averaged 384 per week

This year we did 28 000 which meant an average of 538 visitors per week.

As the frequency of the up dates has been cut back to monthly it will probably be about the same for the next twelve months. Mind you there are some developments going on that could well see a huge reaction from those unknown Good Bastards out there.

YOUR MISSION, should you decide to accept it, is to spread the word and get every good bastard you know giving us a visit. Those that don’t will internally combust in five seconds.

Well it’s that bloody horse race that every bastard goes silly on. I'll give you the oil here and now, it is the worse race on the planet to back anything in. BAR NONE.

Sweeney comes out from under his rock and struts off down to the TAB and then orders and armoured car and parks out the front.

I don’t recall the bastard ever doing better than fourth in the last fifty years.

Still as some bastard once said “Hope Springs Eternal”

Now theres a clue Sween pick a horse with Hope in the name.

Mind you he will probably get into “BIG PAT” which is still on the list but unlikely to make it to the start.

Given Paddys previous form, you could hardly call him “Mr Prudent” so that could be a go to get him back on the straight and narrow.

What about “Shower of Roses?” Sween runs around in a shower of shit, so there’s a clue for him.

Me, what am I doing ……… well not saying at this point, will let you know when I’m ready.

Albert's Reality

The Cup; It’s a distinct secret as to who is going to win at this early Juncture. It maybe a diva, then if honour comes into it that could be the babe to back. I recon keep away from the betting or you could be mummified. In the twinkling of times eye, and that wouldn’t be too pentastic.

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.
Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well Father."
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all."
The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer frickin' candle."

Shit, I nearly forgot to give the book a plug. The bastards printed but I haven’t seen one yet. The cover below is a rough done by Dean Turner who designed the cover on the first book.

There will be a few books for sale on Good Bastards Day and then it will be available at all Good Book stores throughout NZ. If they haven’t got it or are sold out get them to order you one.

Anti-Resurrection
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.
They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here. "
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days after he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

This could be all bullshit, but then again it mightn’t.
THE FIRST VIRUS WARNING FOR MOBILE/CELL PHONES

If you receive a phone call and your MOBILE phone displays ACE on the screen, DON'T ANSWER THE CALL ~ END THE CALL IMMEDIATELY !!!!
If you answer the call, your phone will be infected by a virus.
This virus will erase all IMEI and IMSI information from both your phone and your SIM card, which will make your phone unable to connect with the telephone network.
You will have to buy a new phone and obtain a new SIM card as well.
This could very well mean a new phone number as well with the new SIM card.
This information has been confirmed by both Motorola and Nokia. There are over 3 million
mobile phones being infected by this virus in USA now.
You can also check this news in the CNN web site.
If you have INCOMING CALL DISPLAY disabled, you will need to ENABLE it
so you can stop this virus.
Please cut and paste this piece of information to your
friends that are worth a snatch full of cold snow.

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

Unnamed Good Bastard in it …….
An un-named Good Bastard went to the social security office to apply for the old age pension. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and comeback later."

The women being a bit innovative and was probably out of her depth in the job says , "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."

Good Bastards Beer
Delivered to Your door In New Zealand
$99.99
(Hundred Bucks If you haven’t got the right Money)

Paddy sitting on his personal stock of Good Bastards Beer

Delivered to Your Door
New Zealand Only

Helen Didn’t sign this Bastard
Just one of the reasons why people buy Good Bastards Beer
The winning entry in our “Helen didn’t sign this Bastard Comp”

We keep getting folk wanting to buy Good Bastards Beer in New Zealand and their local bottle O has run out or doesn’t stock it. So we are setting up a system where you we will deliver it direct to your door.

It only comes in a carton of 8 six packs and be split anyway between, Lager and the Award Winning Dark Ale.

Simply send an email WITH YOUR PHONE NUMBER to the Brewery beerorders@goodbastards.com
They will ring you back and arrange payment.

Aussies: Don't miss out - don't forget you can now order Good Bastards Beer in Australia for a limited time only - contact the canberra distributor.

Virginity Test
Two guys are discussing the intimate angles of one's upcoming wedding in a bar over drinks.
"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not" says the one.
"Oh, there's an easy test for that!" his buddy replies, "All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one of your balls red and the other blue. Then, on your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you whack her with the shovel!"

Single Woman
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a litre of milk,
a carton of eggs,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 5 kg. Can of coffee, and a
1 kg. Package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the to check out counter, a drunk standing behind her watched and said, "you must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt.

Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'cause you're ugly."

The Lawyer
There was an lawyer who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically,

"For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

I have been studying my white arse off, getting sort of edgamakated so to speak and this is what I now reckon
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, and what the frigg would they know but this is what they reckon, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because.........
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. Well bloody yum, can still taste the bastard. I also cut me teeth on car battery’s. No wonder there is so many wusses in the world. I’ve been on the Tower Of Terror At Dream World ya know.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. Never had any friggin pills either. No bastard got crook apart from a bit of flem, and what a joyous act a good hiock is anyway.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just bare feet and had fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels. Sweeney wore a helmet to show off, his old man found it washed up down at Gillespie’s beach.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat. Not half as good as driving your old mans tractors when you were five. Incidentally tractors still don’t have air bags or seat belts. Well at least the bastards I drive haven’t.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same. And don’t forget having a drink from the pond in the Bull paddock, coupla tadpoles added to the flavour as well.
The no all teachin bastards reckon we ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy drinks with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. Well I never ate the dripping sandwiches, where are these drips coming from. Not only that I’m not a fat bastard, probably coz I never ate the dripping sandwiches.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this. Well I wouldn’t share with that bloody Sweeney account of the bastard wouldn’t share with me.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. frigging near killed meself when I hit the end of the Tartare Bridge. Mind you I beat Sweeney down the hill.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded. They were actually please to be shod of us for the day.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends we went outside and found them. And then we hid from the bastards.
We played football and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt. Especially when you copped it in the balls.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again. Haven’t fell out of a tree for years. Well not while I’ve been sober anyway.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue – we learned to get over it. I still have a coupla blokes that I owe a good whack too.
We walked to friend's homes. Then got their old man to run us home when we got into his port.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! Except for Sweeney, he wouldn’t have known what the law was.
Our generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. Yes, I reckon we should go back and live in the good old days when there was more than one way of killing a cat than shagging it to death.

Heres the cause of your Beer Gut
Blame your beer belly on your caveman ancestors. Tens of thousands of years ago, when food was scarce and time between meals unpredictable, the human body was forced to adopt thrifty habits to survive, says Peter Gluckman, a foetal physiologist at the University of Auckland in New Zealand. He believes survival favoured women with smaller wombs, because the foetus within would conserve calories, a trait then passed on through natural selection to future generations. These calorie-hoarding foetuses became adults with beer bellies, bellies that stored fat in case times turned lean. It was, Gluckman says, "exactly like the camel's hump."

Humans now are left with these "evolutionary echoes" of fat and energy conservation, says Gluckman. So today we are prone to putting on extra weight and tend to spend much free time lounging around. The thrifty adaptations that were once a survival advantage for our ancestors have turned modern humans into couch potatoes. Hunting and gathering now means hunting for the remote and gathering the nearest bag of chips. -David Grimm

Record breaking and star ex All Black Christian Cullen has written a book Christian Cullen on the run. Based on the reviews I have read about it, it seems to be a stick it up current All Black coach John Mitchell as much as anything else.
For whatever reasons, Cullen got the coke and sarse from the Blacks by Mitchell and didn’t take it too well.
One can’t help thinking that while it sounds like a good read, it is only one side of the story.
When Mitchell writes his book, no doubt we will all be treated to a sequel, if indeed that is important.
For my money, Cullen has come up with an angle to sell his book. Nothing wrong with that, except I think he has taken away from the champion image he has created by getting into “Days of our lives” stuff.
We all know that life throws us all a number of slippery balls that we drop that we may or may not deserve. It’s how we deal with those dropped balls that can long endure after the game is over.

Navy Redundancy
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider; explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to drop'em, which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.
"My God!, he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The Captain calmly replied, "Vietnam".

Gidday you Good Bastards...

A true story
A real down-to-earth country girl had been married to a farmer all of her life. They had cows and horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmers market.
While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she came across a contest form while in the store.
So she completed their jingle and mailed it off to the Carnation Milk Company in an effort to win a cash prize which had been offered for the best entry regarding those little cans of milk found on grocery shelves.
Carnation had furnished the first line of the jingle with these words, "I like Carnation best of all ...." and the submitter had only to complete the remainder of the jingle on their entry form.
Each contestant could only use 50 words or less.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. However, he said that it was unfortunate that the company could not publish it.
In lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and provided her with a company cheque in the amount of $1,000 for her creativity.
Here is the entry that she submitted to the Carnation Milk
Company.............
I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.

Smiling Corpses
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector.", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner," this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Helluva Problem
Northern Territory farm hand, radios back to the farm manager ........ "Boss, I gotta helluva problem here". I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the Bull-Bars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says "Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him"
Five minutes later, the farm hand calls back. "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the f*****g problem?" raged the manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch".

Darwin Awards
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. And the nominees this year are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a
military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the
cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and
hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground". Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalised.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.
Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course. NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

Public Service
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:
1. Change riders.
2. Buy a stronger whip.
3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".
4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.
6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.
7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.
8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.
10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".
11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.
12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.
14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position

Cheers

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Tuesday October 21st 2003 ISSUE #92
*Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.*
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Things you should check out on the site Before you bugger off home...

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...