|
Tuesday |
|
|
Dedicated to fixing up political correctness. |
|
|
Email this Page to a Friend Make Good Bastards your Homepage |
|
|
Brought to you for your drinking pleasure
by GOOD BASTARDS BEER If it’s not a Good Bastard, you’re drinking the wrong beer |
| Share the secret, GOOD BASTARDS is not only good, it's good for you ! |
Coming to you from Canberra, capital of Australia (politicians are just as stupid here as anywhere else in the world).
Thought for the day: "Good Bastards Day is the best day of the year."
Good Bastards Day
November 4th
Southland Hotel
Hokitika
This Is the Room
Where much of the
Proceedings will take place
“Be a part of the legend of Good Bastards and be at the Day where it all began.”
Don’t miss out!!!
Yipppeeee yi ooooo Its nearly here. And what a ball terror
of a day its going to be. Can’t tell you very much just yet, more details will
unfold in each edition.
If you are half smart you will be ringing the Southland Hotel. (Home of the
legend) and book yourself a few nights accommodation. 03 755 8344
You might want to get there on the Sunday the 2nd of November and get settled
in, you might even want to join a few well known Good Bastards that night for a
bit of an early run at an undisclosed venue released only to those who book
early.
Melbourne Cup folk have seen fit to copy us and have their big race on the same
day. Early Tip: Vinnie Row, he just knocked off the Irish St Ledger for the
third consecutive year.
Plenty of Good Bastards Beer
Plenty of Good Tucker
Fantastic Music
Other entertainment
Girls for the boys
Boys for the girls
Talent quest
Good Bastards Hand Grenades
Prizes
The Good Bastards Awards
The Good Bastards Nude Race
The Good Bastards Golf Classic (A Green Jacket event)
Launch of the next Good Bastards Book
Plus heaps of famous Good Bastards
Plenty of whitebait
Check out the
Southland Hotel Now
www.southlandhotel.com
03 755 8344
Pround Grand Parents
What a great day the 19th of September 2003 was. It saw the arrival into this
world of a little sister for Finn, Paige Sweeney, to the proud parents of Nadia
and Darryl Sweeney.
Along with Timo and Carol Viitakangas, Paddy and Saint Pam, both sets of Grand
parents, welcomed Paige into their lives.
A HUGE congratulations to Nadia and Darryl for a job well done. A lot of very
happy people around here.
|
I went to the doctor the other day and said |
Check out this
Albert's Reality
A word of advice
…
DON’T GIVE IT
Having said that, I will say no more
|
IT’S FREE Here's where you join... The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards Receive the Good Bastards News emailed to you each week The club you are having when you are not having a club. No formal meetings No formal Rules No Fuss No Bother Plenty of benefits and its free
Our membership is growing; Have You Joined Yet is our current theme. Its free, there are many benefits now and in the future. Not too far down the track we will be posting a much shorter headline version of The Good Bastards News and then mailing the full version to members only. We don’t give your email address or other information to anyone else. Click here to find out more, or fill out the form below to join now! Membership to the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is restricted to those 18 years of age and older.
|
Steve Flynn’s Irish Archive
Into a
Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's
walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O’Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he
gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something
in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was,
but useless in a fight."
The Good Bastards Rugby Club
Well the other World Cup is all but upon us
and we have another Good Bastards picking comp going in conjunction with
www.oztips.com
You are invited to join the Good Bastards Rugby Union World Cup rugby tipping
competition at OzTips.com - Your Sports Tipping Headquarters online.
Comp Number: 28748
Comp Name: Paddys First Fifteen
Password to join: Paddy1
To join:
1. Go to www.oztips.com
2. From the home page, select "I'm new and I want to tip", and set up a user
account (if you don't already have one on OzTips.com).
3. Select "I want to join a Tipping Comp" on the home page, or the "Tipping"
tab.
4. Enter the Comp Number and Password details above.
5. That's it. Full instructions on how to tip can be found on the site by
clicking on the "Help" tab.
6. If you get in the shit, email
paddy@goodbastards.com
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has
to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching
speech.
She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is
used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands....
HELP
Can You Help? Of course you bloody can. Question is will Ya!!!!
In 1999 Wilson Te Whata, a Maori married with 2 young children; living and
working in the Dubbo District of Central New South Wales, Australia was injured
during rugby training with the Dubbo Rhinos Rugby Club.
Wilson was immediately flown to Sydney by air ambulance for treatment and later
diagnosed as an incomplete Quadriplegic.
The club was determined assist Wilson financially and decided to undertake a
fund-raising campaign. The task was made more difficult when the HIH Insurance
Company collapsed 6 days before Wilson was due to receive an insurance payment.
In 2003 The Rhinos joined with Spinal Cord Injuries (SPI) Australia to start the
World Rugby Auction.
The idea of the World Rugby Auction is to try to get a Rugby Jersey (Old or New)
from as many Clubs and Schools around the world as possible and then auction
them off over the internet.
The appeal hopes to raise money for Wilson, a rehabilitation facility for
quadriplegics being built by Spinal Cord Injuries Australia and establish a
Trust Fund for injured players.
The auction is fully endorsed by the Australian Rugby Union (ARU) and a host of
Patrons all of which can be seem on our site
www.worldrugbyauction.com
Our goal is to try and get 10000 jerseys, but to achieve this goal we will need
the support of the entire Rugby community. If your coming to the world cup why
not bring a jersey with you and make arrangements to drop it off.
The auction will commence around the start of the world cup (mid October) and
continue indefinitely (until everything is sold) so if you don’t have something
to donate why don't you come along and place a bid.
If you would like further details contact Andrew Dixon at
edixon@ozemail.com.au
Or if you would like to contribute items (we will except any memorabilia not
just jerseys) then they can be sent to
Dubbo Rhinos Rugby Club
c/o Andrew Dixon
2/205 Brisbane St
NSW 2830
Australia
Good Bastards Cheer Squad
Scientific Study
The Penis Study Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to
determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study
took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that the reason
the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man
with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Aussies study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
This Editions Ripper Of A Yarn
"Hard Thing"
A man joins a very exclusive
nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to
wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets
an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did
you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the
side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and
happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore
the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies
that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way
with him.
The newcomer staggers back to
the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May
I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can
keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had
the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a
month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
Bloody Glad
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Good Bastards Beer
Delivered to Your door In New Zealand
$99.99
(Hundred Bucks If you haven’t got the right Money)
Paddy sitting on his personal stock of Good Bastards Beer
Delivered to Your Door
New Zealand Only
Helen Didn’t sign this Bastard
Just one of the reasons why people buy Good Bastards Beer
The winning entry in our “Helen didn’t sign this Bastard Comp”
We keep getting folk wanting to buy Good Bastards Beer in New Zealand and their
local bottle O has run out or doesn’t stock it. So we are setting up a system
where you we will deliver it direct to your door.
It only comes in a carton of 8 six packs and be split anyway between, Lager and
the Award Winning Dark Ale.
Simply send an email WITH YOUR PHONE NUMBER to the Brewery
beerorders@goodbastards.com
They will ring you back and arrange payment.
|
Good Bastards Beer I can’t put it any plainer than this: If you
are a Good Bastard, and ya don’t want to die from a million illnesses’ you can
get from chemically brewed beers, then drink Good Bastards Beer. Not only that
it tastes good and you don’t get crook from it. So getitindia. |
|
Bullshit, its all bullshit, that’s what I reckon. This stuff
in recipe books. For frigs sake, all you need to know is how to boil up a
few vegies, throw a bit of meat into a frying pan and once a week cook up a
roast. Bacon and eggs for breakfast, cook the eggs anyway you want except
the poofta versions, (remember an egg is a whole days work for a chook) I
love eggs, Sweeney says he’ll never eat anything that comes out an arse.
Fussy bastard. I often never eat breakfast because I can’t eat on an empty
stomach. |
Saddams Message to Georgie Boy
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still
alive",
Saddam himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to
contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and
his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it
so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.
Eventually they asked MI6 for help. They cabled the White House: "Tell the
president he is looking at the message upside down..."
Gidday you Good Bastards...
Mother Superior calls all her sisters into the Refectory.
"Sisters it seems we have a case of Gonorrhoea here."
Little nun at the back shouts: "Thank God for that - I'm sick of Chardonnay."
A nurse at hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic, and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" the nurse asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
What do you do if a cat spits at you?
Turn the grill down.
How Women Shower
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along
the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that
you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red
raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must
make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water
pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers
if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then
rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How Men Shower
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener
at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you
have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your
"privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor
because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife,
pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at
her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Go the Warriors!!!
Cheers
Nick
nick@therock.net.nz
HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...
| Auckland 90.2 FM | Waikato 93.0 FM | |
| Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM | Rotorua 92.7 FM | Taupo 94.3 FM |
| Taranaki 95.6 FM | Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM | Manawatu 95.4 FM |
| Kapati 91.9 FM | Wellingtom 96.3 FM | Nelson 94.6 FM |
| Canterbury 93.7 FM | Otago 93.4 FM | Southland 90.8 FM |
Check out their web site
This weeks wacky site is
Some of us are naturally great farters, others were hiding behind the door when
the fart valve was dished out. The Good Bastards Hilton has been known to echo
around the West Coast when some of ruminants come through from an inch and half
thick T-bone a few dozen onions, a possie of whitebait, tomatoes, spuds corn
etc. Half a loaf of bread each sliced into 2 inch slabs and a half a pound of
butter on each. All washed down with a few dozen of Good Bastards Beer then a
bottle of two of baileys or two for dessert.
While a Good Bastards Hilton fart will never be replaced or equalled, for those
who can’t get close to understand this, we suggest a visit to the site below as
part of your life long apprenticeship.
http://www.createafart.com/
|
Many Thanks
Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of
interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times,
some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We
receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of
what we think is good material.
Many Thanks! |
The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club
The Good Bastards Hall of Fame: Check out some real Great Good Bastards
Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations: Nominate who you think should be
The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags
The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget
Good Bastards Stories: Read stories written by other Good Bastards
The Good Bastards Competitions: You could win stuff, give it a go.
Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter
 Last Update: 20/10/2003 |
© 2001-2002 Good Bastards
|
Site Design &
Maintenance by |
