Coming to you from sunny winterless Queensland. Perfect one day, better the next.

Thought for the day: "The older I get the better I was."

 

“The Good Bastards Help A Mate Trust”

It owns the Good Bastards Rugby Club

Putting some sunshine back into the lives of those who are stuck behind a cloud

The Good Bastards Help a Mate Trust is up and running. The object is to raise money via various means and help various Good Bastards the fir the criteria of needing a hand. More on that as we get underway.

The trust is the owner of the Good Bastards Rugby Club. The whole idea of The Good Bastards Rugby Club is to be a non-profit operation that not only promotes the hell out of having fun in Rugby but it also is about bringing an international voice into grass roots rugby.

Right now our prime focus is on over 35 Rugby and once we get more infrastructures we will look to what else we can contribute to working end of the game, and that’s club Rugby at all levels.

With the advent of professional Rugby now commanding the main arena there are many that subscribe to the idea that the grass roots side of things has somewhat slipped through the cracks.

While that may be a may not be the case, The Good Bastards Rugby Club has some serious plans for the future in that area.

Other codes and indeed other sports along with the prolific smorgasbord of sporting events on television have contributed to a very competitive playing field when it comes to the average punter out there.

The approach is simple, we are the Tortoise, not the Hare, we have no time table to meet, no race to win or have any agenda other than goodwill for the game of Rugby.

Time will bear that out.

Anyway all you Good Bastards out there in Good bastards land, spread the word. The Good Bastard Rugby World Cup is on and your suporrt however great or small is appreciated.

The Trustees of the Help a Mate Trust are:

Alan Kerr, original Good Bastard, principal of Christies Jewellers and based in Taupo. New Zealand

John Hynds: Original Good Bastard, Chairman Hynds Pipes and based in Auckland New Zealand:

Paddy Sweeney: Writing this, Carpet Cleaner and based on the Gold Coast in Queensland Australia.
Address: 37 Billabirra Cres Nerang Gold Coast QLD Australia

The Treasurer is Barbara Alexander, Assistant Manager ASB Trust Bank, Westport West Coast New Zealand.
 

Its one thing to called a Good Bastard,
you must in reality be seen to be a Good Bastard

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup

Good Bastards from last years event

The Good bastards Rugby World Cup will soon be upon us and we are calling for teams and players to register.
To be held at Merivale Rugby Club, Nunweek Park, Christchurch
Thursday 21st August – Sunday 24th August 2003
Home of the Merivale Maulers Golden Oldies
Holders of the Good Bastards Rugby World Cup
This is an invitation to take part in the 2nd Good Bastards Rugby World Cup for teams over the age of 35 years* and who play in the spirit of Good Bastards
What are we about?
Having a good time, playing golden oldies style rugby,
telling yarns, and sharing good fellowship.
* if your team is all over 45, please tell us so we can adjust the draw.

Thursday 21st August 2003 from 6.30pm.
A welcome to the visitors from out of Christchurch with a BBQ at the Merivale Rugby Club

Friday 22nd August 2003
Optional golf tournament (Ambrose) starting at 12 noon.
Evening free to taste the spirit of the city centre restaurants and bars

Saturday 23rd August 2003
Today you will play one game lasting 1 hour, but made up of
3 x 20 minute spells, and during which you will change opponents.
The draw will be dependent on number of entries but games are expected
to be played in the afternoon. Great fellowship and a few good yarns
washed down by the award winning Good Bastards beer will follow.
At 7pm there will be the Good Bastards spit roast dinner,
with entertainment and dancing (if you have a dancing partner)

Sunday 24th August 2003
Today sees the second round of games (same as 1st round), commencing at 10.30am (at the earliest)
This will be followed by a great
wind-up and presentation of the
Good Bastards Rugby World Cup.

Be part of the growing phenomenon
- the worlds largest rugby club.
Enter your team now.
For full details contact:
Neil Blanchfield
(03) 377 1700, neil@greatevents.co.nz
or
Paddy Sweeney the Head Honcho of Good Bastards
paddy@goodbastards.com
or
Scott Williams, Merivale Maulers
(03) 359 5518 (evenings)

There is no registration fee and if your just looking for a fun game contact us and we will make it happen.

Our Slogan
“Putting the fun back into Grass Roots Rugby.”

We want to build something quite special here, something that is run and driven by the folk involved.
Thank you to all the Good Bastards who are getting behind the concept.

Be Part of The Future Driving Force
There will be a meeting of the new faithful at the Christchurch Good Bastards Rugby World Cup over the weekend of the 21st of August. At this meeting we will elect the executive who is going to drive the club in the future.
So if you are someone who rolls your sleeves up, makes things happen and does stuff then you should be getting nominated for a job.

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup
This over 35 event is on the 22nd 23rd 24th of August 2003
Nunweek Park
Christchurch
Hosted by Merivale’s Mighty Merlins Maulers
For more Information contact
neil@greatevents.co.nz
 

Albert's Reality
Its been a while now for me, However I do keep an eye on whats going on in the world in the area of dating. It was never one of my strong points, but none the less when I was young man, well I was
a typical young man.

Young people should be careful when parking, accidents cause people.

I asked this girl once if I could see her home so she showed me a picture of it.

I went home with this girl once and her father said are your intentions honourable or dishonourable? I said Oh; I didn’t know I had a choice.

I went out on this blind date once and had to meet her on this corner, a lady came up to me and said; “Are you Albert?” I said yes are you Jane?’ She said no and walked off. I guess I looked better over the telephone.

Girls use to go out with me by the dozen, it was safer than going out alone.


 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
Paddy came out from Ireland to have a holiday on the Gold Coast. Coming from the emerald isles he hadn’t experienced the extent of the hot Queensland sun. He falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor
replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

 

Lets take the piss out of Engineers.

Ever felt that you just don't understand engineers? Here's some help:

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

Men are like ........ Laxatives ........ They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ........ Weather ........ Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ........ Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ........ Commercials ........ You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ........ Mascara ....... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ........ Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ........ Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ........ Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" the woman says, "I'll miss you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day the housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to her. "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh.... immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

 

Gidday Ewes Good Bastards

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Did you hear the one about the two gay ghosts?
They kept putting the willies up each other.

Or the one about the two homos in the phone box?
They were trying to ring each other.

Paddy’s wife was having brunch with a couple of girl friends. They were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. One of the girls said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
Paddy’s wife said, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
And her one of her mates said, "Wow... I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

How do you get a woman to argue with you?
SAY SOMETHING

A little Italian boy and a little Jewish boy, lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a Jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hit man. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.
For their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy received a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy received a 22 Baretta.
The next day, they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy, so they switch gifts with each other.
The little Italian boy goes home to show his Father and his Father is NOT pleased.
"What are you, nuts? Let me tell you something, you idiot! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the hell ya gonna do? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"

When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood?
When his right hand caught fire.

TRUE STORY… PROBABLY:
One enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran allied pilots. The German decoy "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

With what game did the expression, "knuckle down" originate?
Marbles. Players put fist (knuckles) to the ground for their best shots.

What's the definition of a poofter?
A bloke who enlarges the circle of his friends!

Did you hear about the two homos who had an argument in a gay bar?
They went outside to exchange blows.

What's the hardest thing about eating a coconut?
The jandals.

Men are like bagpipes...
You won't get anything unless you blow them first.


Woman are an evil race,
They play all sorts of games;
They lead you up the garden path
And call you lovely names.
They say that they are equal,
Then change it when it suits;
Equality goes out the door,
If it means they get more roots.
They play all weak and soft,
When you know they are as hard as nails;
they wrap us around their fingers,
And exploit defenseless males.
Let's face it - woman are a curse,
And sure, it's fun to root 'em,
But if they didn't drop their pants,
You'd hunt 'em down and shoot 'em.

What's the difference between a brown-eyed cop and a blue-eyed cop?
One's full of shit and the other needs topping up.

What do you call two chooks having a 69?
Sticky beaks.

Did you hear about the new salad for wankers?
It tosses itself.

A divorcee in her early forties was sitting at a bar one night, when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink. One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed up in her bed, struck a sexy, come- hither look, and whispered, "OK, you gorgeous piece of chocolate man. Show me what young black boys do best."
So he beat her up and stole her stereo.

Why don't women have brains?
They don't have a cock to keep them in!

Why did god invent women?
To clean the bathroom and kitchen.

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples, I'd come out sucking my thumb."

Cheers

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

This weeks wacky site is
Pat Condon sent this in as his favourite site, there is no accounting for taste.
http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf


 

Paddy's Last Word

The Yanks and their Lawyers are at it again. The Franklin Mint is suing Lady Di’s Fund for about $40 million. And if they win they will donate the money to Charity.

But heres the Crunch line……

The solicitors won’t, and that means it is yet another wrought by greedy solicitor bastards and aren’t they in abundance these days. Apparently they ‘ll cop around 40% of the sting and sing, “what good little boys and girls are we”

All I can say is; I will never that’s NEVER buy anything off the Franklin Mint ever again.

Look; I’m sure that in a point of law they might well be right in what they are doing. From what I have read the whole thing stinks and a massive backlash against the Franklin Mint is likely.

As for the Lawyers, read John Gresham’s latest book “The King Of Torts” it apparently is very accurate as to what goes on even though the story itself is fictitious. It’s a good read and his depiction very accurate, figures it out for yourself.

For an ex Lawyer, he does a great job of exposing the slick tricks of the legal profession.

I started writing a book called “The Six Minute Swindle” based on actual reports from inside the major law firms from things their own staff allege about the pressure to fill every 6 minutes of the day and bill it to someone.

One whistle blower has presented evidence of at least 30% of one particular major firms revenue is coming about from the pressure to find someone’s name to put on each 6 minute increment throughout the day when in fact the time was not used at all. Intimidated young solicitors fill in the six minute increments or loose their jobs.

As one Good bastard recently said after being ripped off by his solicitor, we have more to fear from the solicitors than the crooks.

 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 11/08/2003

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