Coming to you from sunny winterless Queensland. Perfect one day, better the next.

Thought for the day: "The older I get the better I was."

 

Fathers Day Coming up

Win:
A Fathers Day Pack
For your Dad
An Exclusive Good Bastards T Shirt
The Larrikins Guide To Success
The Good Bastards Huge Joke Book

Simply buy a six-pack of Good Bastards Beer at selected Bottle stores and fill out the coupon to be in the draw. In the next issue we will be listing those who are part of this promotion.

One Prize to every bottle shop.

What better way to tell your Dad you love him than by giving him a six pack of good Bastards Beer and who knows you might win him the exclusive Fathers Day T Shirt.
 

Southland Hotel
Revell Street
Hokitika
South Island
New Zealand

www.southlandhotel.com

The Southland Hotel is the home of the Good Bastards Legend. It is a great place to use as the base for your West Coast Holiday.

There is no doubt that the West Coast has an immense amount of great scenery and things to do.

Shanty town
Hokitika Glass
Hokitika Jade
Go for a ride on the Paddle boat
Check out Lake Kaniere
Take a trip down the Glaciers for the day
Find your way up to the Hokitika Gorge
Ask the locals in the bar at the Southland Hotel

Ring 03 7558344 and tell them you’re a Good Bastard and you’d like to book in.
 

Albert's Reality
A true friend is someone who dislikes the same people you do. That’s relative just as if you never had any friends you would be a total stranger to everyone in the world.

Anyway that wasn’t what I came here to tell you.

Life is a very ponderous thing, for example it’s a sexually transmitted disease. It may not always be worth living, but what else can you do with it.

I am confused therefore I am.

 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
Twin sisters in the St. Patrick’s the Blessed Saint and all round good bloke Nursing Home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper The Galway Bladder told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing & the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer together" said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS He's GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD! BOTH OF US!?
 

How to Succeed in Business

So you want some business advice, well ok, you don’t. here it is anyway.

Good Bastards Business lesson number One:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited
about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she returns to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
Moral: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Good Bastards Business lesson number Two:
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve his bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."
Moral: Always be well-informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Good Bastards Business lesson number Three:
Usually the shop-floor staff of the company play football. The middle-level managers are more interested in tennis. The top management usually has a preference for golf.
Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
Good Bastards Business lesson number one
A sales representative, an administrative clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.
 

Baby bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?", he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells:
"For crying out loud, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET
 

The Good Bastards Rugby Club
Putting the Fun back into Grass Roots Rugby

The Good bastards Rugby World Cup will soon be upon us and we are calling for teams and players to register.
Your team can register for $100.00 and if your just looking for a fun game your registration is only ten bucks.
Our Slogan is : “Putting the fun back into Grass Roots Rugby.” We want to build something quite special here, something that is run and driven by the folk involved.
Thank you to all the Good Bastards who are getting behind the concept.
There will be a meeting of the new faithful at the Christchurch Good Bastards Rugby World Cup over the weekend of the 21st of August. At this meeting we will elect the executive who is going to drive the club in the future.
So if you are someone who rolls your sleeves up, makes things happen and does stuff then you should be getting nominated for a job.

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup
This over 35 event is on the 22nd 23rd 24th of August 2003
Nunweek Park
Christchurch
Hosted by Merivale’s Mighty Merlins Maulers
For more Information contact
neil@greatevents.co.nz

The Flair Report
Well, I would like to say, the Flair report has had a lot of response from a vast range of areas in Australia, England and NZ. The Flair report is now posted each week on the Good Bastards Website weekly. This is a fantastic site which covers Rugby, Racing, Beer and general stuff including Jokes, pop in and have a look at www.goodbastards.com.

Saturdays game was an absolute ripper with the Boks needing a win to save their coach Rudolf Staneuli from the chopping block. It certainly looked like that old Bok magic was back.
It was an unusual start with Matt Bourke's Drop Goal being the opening points of the game. For those who had a bet that a Drop Goal would be the first points scored, you would have collected a healthy 16/1 at the TAB. The South Africans shook off the cobwebs that married their performances thus far this season and stunned Australia 26-22 at Newlands in Cape Town.

The SA forwards where relentless, the tackling was awesome and inside centre De Wet Barry deserves to be singled out. Barry reminded me, and I'm sure Steve Kefu, of that Fijian Wallaby flanker - 'The Human Skewer'. Barry was later named a deserving Man of the Match. A halftime scoreboard of 20-6 in favour of the home team had them jogging into the changing rooms with smiles, whilst leaving Wallabies coach Eddie Jones pondering about an unexpected half-time speech. To the Aussies credit they did come out firing in the second half and even taking the lead at one stage.

Flatley and Rodgers worked a well planned move to allow a strong looking Sailor to chime into the backline and score a fantastic try. Funny enough the try of the match started off the boot of Sailor that was fielded by Russell who ran across field before linking up with his mates. Stefan Treblanche sent the final pass of a 70m movement to a flying Matfield who crossed over for a try that shook the visitors and the stands.

Saturday's Springbok win was the seventh time in eight matches in South Africa that Australia had failed, and this, is all the All Blacks need to prove that Staneuli's men won't be a push over this weekend. A packed house is expected at Loftus Versfeld on Sunday and the crowd will be more vocal than ever as they regain confidence in their home team, something the All Blacks don't have yet.

The NZ Team will be named on Wednesday. There are a couple of changes so far to last weeks SA run on side, with Fullback Jaco van der Westhuyzen and Center Marius Joubert ruled out with injury. The Springboks won't lose much with Brent Russell (the pocket rocket) taking Westhuyzen place.

SA's stats show that, out of the 24 games played in 7 years they have only won 10. Eight of those have been at home - which shows how tough they will be again at Lofus Versfeld.
NZ has dominated the Tri Nations with 4 titles and are nearly as formidable on the road as they are at home. The AB's have won 10 of their 14 home games and 8 of their 14 played away, with 4 of those defeats in Oz. Therefore I think the AB's will win, but by a narrow margin.

Interest Point: I did read an article that Pieter van Zyl has tickets for the test, despite a life ban for bashing Irish Referee David McHugh during the All Blacks 30-23 win at Durban last year. A Durban court handed van Zyl a $2,100 fine for the assault and the SARFU banned him.

Fact: Canterbury retained the log of wood last week with a 76 -14 thrashing of Hawkes Bay (sorry Alfie). The next challenger is The Bay of Plenty on the 24th August Gazza is taking bets.
Until next week, Good Luck and go the All Blacks!


Kelvin Fair
 

Old Golfers never Die
Big Tournament Coming Up
Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls. You will have the chance to lose yours this coming January on the West Coast South island New Zealand . The Greymouth Golf Club is celebrating 100 years of golf at the Kaiata links with a special 36 hole tournament and supported by some suitable social events. The tourney will run on January 2nd and 3rd 2004 and is bound to be popular so you should get in early to avoid disappointment - FCFS. Past members of the GGC will be especially welcome. For your registration form contact G. Warnes, 15 Shelley St., Greymouth or ring 3 768 7504.

A newsletter is to be produced for the event and you are invited to submit anecdotes, true stories (nobody will believe them of course) tall stories and jokes to Frank Ash - via e-mail only please to franka@greydc.govt.nz
 

What to Do?? What would you Do??
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see 3 people waiting for the bus:
1. AN OLD LADY WHO LOOKS AS IF SHE IS ABOUT TO DIE
2. AN OLD FRIEND WHO ONCE SAVED YOUR LIFE
3. THE PERFECT MAN (OR WOMAN) YOU HAVE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading . . . .
This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he/she once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay her/him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had NO trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let her take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."
Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
However . . . .The correct answer is:
Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery. Have sex with
that perfect man/woman against the bus stop. Then drive off with
the old friend for some beers!!
 

Hows your health, well pretty good if I stay away from the chemically brewed beer is one answer. Another is pretty good if I stay away from salt.

Here is an article that you might find quite interesting. http://news.ninemsn.com.au/today/story_49658.asp

The positive side of life
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.
If Woolworths is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colours....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour

THE HONEYMOON
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once more wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess ... Smallcox?"
 

Gidday you Good Bastards...
 

As the song says: "It's been awhile..."

It was a typical night at the pub. Bill walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a Bundy and Coke.

Then Bill looked at me and said, “I called the mental asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
I said, “Oh yeah, why were you wondering about that?”

And Bill said, “Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week.”


Mate of mine got lost in the bush once. For two days he wandered around, couldn’t find his way out. He hadn’t eaten anything and he was starving. Next thing he sees this wood pigeon scoffing down these Miro berries and he threw a bit of wood at it and sconed it. Just as he was half way through eating it, these two Doc officers come along and be was busted for killing a protected species.

Well, he went to court and he pleaded not guilty ‘cos he reckoned if he didn’t eat the wood pigeon he would’ve died of starvation. The judge ruled in his favour. In the judge's closing statement he said to my mate, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I used to be a keen bushman myself. Tell me what does a native pigeon taste like?”

My mate said, “Sort of a cross between a kiwi and a blue duck.”



Paddy applied for a job on a Construction site, and the Foreman who was not keen on the Irish at all, thought he'd eliminate him by giving the man an intelligence test.

He said to the Paddy, "Please indicate on this piece of paper the number 9 without using any numbers or words". Paddy scratched his head and then drew 3 trees on the paper with a pencil.

The foreman said, "How do you get 9 from that?"

Paddy said, “Three trees are nine.”

The Foreman not to be outdone tried again. "Indicate 99 then.”

Paddy, after a little thought and wet his finger and smudged the trunk of each of the trees.

The foreman said, "How do you get 99 from that?"

Paddy said, "Dirty tree, dirty tree and dirty tree, comes to ninety nine".

Getting a bit anxious the Foreman said "Indicate a 100 then"

So Paddy drew a little mark at the bottom of each tree.

The foreman said, "How do you get 100 from that?"

Paddy said, "Well you see, there was a little dog and he came and made a deposit at the bottom of each tree. So Dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd = 100"


Who do you get when you cross the head of the PLO with Calista Flockhart?
Yasser AraFLAT!


A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.

Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"



Choke on them bastards!!!

 

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
http://www.therock.net.nz/

 

This weeks wacky site is
Someone sent me this site. If it works for you the way it is suppose to, please let me know. Or is it …….. well I reckon it is!!!!!!

http://mr-31238.mr.valuehost.co.uk/assets/Flash/psychic.swf

 

 

I read recently that Pope John Paul said that despite a recruitment crisis in the priesthood he had no intention of scrapping the Church's celibacy rule - a key issue in the debate over recent sex scandals.
The constant sex scandals that have hit the Catholic Church recently have led to calls for a change in the rule on celibacy.
Critics say celibacy was ultimately behind the scandals and that in a modern society inundated by sex, the line between repression and perversion can be a thin one.
Those opposed to the celibacy rule also say it has prevented some men, who may be deeply religious but would like to get married and be priests, from taking up the vocation.
The Church says there is no link between celibacy and paedophilia.
Well for my money I reckon they are wrong. There is a link between some priests and Paedophilia and the church has a history of covering up for its paedophilia priests.
About the only thing good that is happening is that the church on a worldwide basis is in a recruitment crisis. No doubt in my mind that the constant sex scandals play a significant role in this.
I say good in the text that it must eventually force the church to wake up to itself before it disappears into total oblivion.
The almighty church has had to have its arm twisted up its back before it does anything about the paedophilia. In the meantime the rot continues and the victims suffer.
We are talking victims here not religious dissemination.
And to cap it all off, the Anglicans are going to start appointing Homosexuals as bishops.
Hey anyone would think I’m religious.
Outta here.
 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 29/07/2003

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