Coming to you from sunny winterless Queensland.

Thought for the day: "If you resist temptation today you might not get another shot at it tomorrow."

 

Calling All Good Bastards Rugby Players


A Heap of Good Bastards at last years event

The Good Bastards Rugby Club
Putting the Fun back into Grass Roots Rugby

The Good bastards Rugby World Cup will soon be upon us and we are calling for teams and players to register.

Your team can register for $100.00 and if your just looking for a fun game your registration is only ten bucks.

Our Slogan is : “Putting the fun back into Grass Roots Rugby.” We want to build something quite special here, something that is run and driven by the folk involved.

Thank you to all the Good Bastards who are getting behind the concept.

There will be a meeting of the new faithful at the Christchurch Good Bastards Rugby World Cup over the weekend of the 21st of August. At this meeting we will elect the executive who is going to drive the club in the future.

So if you are someone who rolls your sleeves up, makes things happen and does stuff then you should be getting nominated for a job.

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup
This over 35 event is on the 22nd 23rd 24th of August 2003
Nunweek Park
Christchurch
Hosted by Merivale’s Mighty Merlins Maulers
For more Information contact
neil@greatevents.co.nz
 

The Flair Report

Well the Flair report picked the All Blacks to Win, but, by a tab more than eight points. France played a very enthusiastic game of rugby at a relativity high level, considering that they had seven of their major players out. This makes them a threat to take out the William Webb Ellis Cup as every other team except England and my outside tip Argentina, still haven't shown any stand out qualities to stamp there name on Bill.

With the All Blacks now three tests down and four to go before the World Cup, they are improving but still much improvement necessary. They had the week off this week staying at Palmy to prepare and rejuvenate before the Tri-nations. The squad of 26 for the Tri Nations will be named on Sunday 6th before the Blacks assemble at the institute of Rugby. There is talk that Jerry Collins will be fit for selection.

I thought Grant Nisbett's comments on the review of the All Blacks so far, stood True;

After three test matches this season it's timely to review where the All Blacks stand in relation to other sides with designs on winning the World Cup at the end of the year. The big mover in the TAB betting on the World Cup is England after their wins against NZ and Oz, but what did we learn about them? We learned, if we didn't already know, that they have a tough, physical pack, that Johnny Wilkinson is as good in the Number 10 jersey as anyone about, and that England will slow the game down to their pace if allowed by the referee and of coarse the opposition. The All Blacks were caught short against Clive Woodward's men but they have time to re-think those problems before the Cup. One area will be how to break a defense that spreads itself in a line across the field. The Welsh didn't provide enough opposition for comment but the French most certainly did and they asked some big questions about the All Blacks set pieces. This came as a surprise after the lineout functioned very well against England and the scrum held its own in the same match. The Wallabies and the Springboks have both looked patchy in their matches to date and on the evidence of what we've seen this season the big threat in the cup will come from the north, England and France.

Flairs Tip for the All Blacks to break the new defense pattern of England: Maybe the chip or grubber behind the defensive line, as there didn't seem to be a trailer to pick up the crumbs. A bit like Alfie Langer did for the Bronco's.

A huge congratulations goes to the NZ under 21's for a fantastic win over Australia in the World Cup Final: NZ U21: 21 - Aus U21: 10.
Waikato also beat Italy 23 - 3 and South Africa just got home in injury time against Argentina 26 - 25.

Well, its a week off for the Flair, but stay tuned for the match report after the first Tri Nations match.


Kelvin Fair

 

Albert's Reality
Babies, Those things that make you realise it’s a changing world.

A baby is something that gets you down during the day and up during the night.

I was so surprised when I was born I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.

My folk were going to call me Onyx, because I was onyxpected.

Baby Sitters. They those folk you hire for two bucks an hour who eat thirty bucks worth of food and make fifty bucks worth of phone calls.

You hire them to let your kids do what ever they want and then keep it a secret.

The worlds biggest lie comes out of the mouths of those who say they slept like a baby. Its quite obvious they haven’t got one.
 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
Maggie and Paddy were two country folk living on a farm in the ring of Kerry. Paddy has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Maggie that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Maggie says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Paddy drives down to the neighbour’s house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.."
Paddy thanks the neighbour, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Maggie comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....
Paddy races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Maggie, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her Panties she says... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."
 

Echoes
Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual.
Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
Doctor(shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!
Woman(angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
Doctor: I didn't.
 

A BEER A DAY MAY STRETCH ARTERIES
People who have one drink a day - wine, beer or hard liquor – show significantly better elasticity of their body's arteries, an important measure of cardiovascular health, according to a new study. "We thought only red wine helps, but we found if people drink one beer or one unit of hard liquor a day, they also have improved arterial elasticity, better than nondrinkers," said Dr. Reuven Zimlichman of Wolfson Medical Center and Tel Aviv University in Israel. When arteries lose elasticity, they fail to relax as the heart pumps blood. This causes a rise in the systolic blood pressure, something Zimlichman calls a "terrible predictor" of future strokes, cardiovascular disease and heart attacks.

BEER DRINKING = CLEAR THINKING
Canadian researchers have found that alcohol may actually increase your capacity to make rational decisions. Psychologist Catherine Ortner said the findings "contradicted what our intuitive assumptions would be, because people think alcohol makes them more impulsive." The study Canada discovered that students who had been given alcoholic drinks showed better judgment than those on soft drinks. The researchers plan to use their findings to help develop more effective ways of communicating with pub and bar customers. For example, they hope to post clear messages on posters in pubs about drinking and driving, or practicing safe sex.

POLISH MONKS TO BREW BEER
Cistercian monks in southern Poland plan to get into the beer business - including making and distributing beer, perhaps taking their business to the United States, and opening a hotel and beer hall. According to an Episcopalian news report, the monks will start with a recipe said to date from the 17th century. The Cistercians had already received sample barrels, ordered specially from beer-making Trappist monks in Belgium. The Cistercians are also hoping to break into the U.S. market through an affiliated Polish-run monastery in Chicago.

DAIRY SELLS NEWCASTLE BROWN ICE CREAM
A dairy in the north of England has begun selling Newcastle Brown Ale flavoured ice cream. The Doddington Dairy in Northumberland will sell the ice cream at supermarkets and specialty shops across Newcastle and Northumberland during the summer. The family-owners of the dairy say the handmade ice cream reflects the region's identity. "We were looking for an ice cream flavour that was distinctive, and had a strong identity with the region," said Jackie Maxwell, director of Doddington Dairy. The ice cream uses the ale as an ingredient, and contains less than 1% alcohol.

 

A woman is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. After they get up in the air the loudspeaker comes on: "This is your captain Emilia Rodriguez. We are cruising at 35,000 feet .. etc. etc."
When the announcement is finished the woman passenger beckons to a stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that this great big airplane is being flown by a woman?"
"Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodriguez is a woman."
"How wonderful! I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?"
"Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the co-pilot is also a woman."
"Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!"
"OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire crew of this plane are women."
"That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time ... this has really made my day ... I just have to go to the cockpit to express my admiration!"
"One more thing you might like to know ... we don't call it the cockpit any more."

Situation Called In One
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
Having already had a few power pops, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of uni. I just love screwing the arse off anyone.."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Gidday you Good Bastards...
Don't Fart in Bed
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to
stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards! and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Gas Bill
What a world? (country NSW)... On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio:
In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that
payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and sent them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all. A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing a cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager
replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
Embarrassed
Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman etc...
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and have sex with them."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, " he plays for the Crusaders but I was too embarrassed to say so".
(Obviously Nick doesn’t like the Crusaders, has anyone got a come back here. Paddy)

FBI TOP 12 DEATHS OF THE YEAR
Every year the FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.
1- Alan Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20-inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alan's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha. Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
5-Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. Several persons heard the explosion some up to 14 kilometres away. No traces of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55-meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F4 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a
notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
11- Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double-sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was
deceased.
12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying,
Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process
Joke for Girls
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As some men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and
meaningfully said....
"Clean My House."

The Mans Perfect Day
6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sport section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.15 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Play back nine (of golf course) - 4 under.
12.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
12.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over ...... naturally).
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated, marijuana and hard porn legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetiser, Dom Perignon (1953) big juicy fillet steak followed by ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies.....some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale & blowjob.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
12.00 Spend 10 mins laughing before falling asleep.
 

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

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This weeks wacky site is
In Love
 

 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 14/07/2003

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