Issue 85 - June 16 2003

Thought for the day: "For every woman who ever made a fool out of a man there's another woman who made a man out of a fool."

My core business is a network of Franchise Owners operating what we believe is the leading Carpet Cleaning System in the world. It not only gets all the stubborn stains out, it leaves your carpets smelling clean and fresh.

We are on an expansion Mode an are looking for Good bastards to join our network in both Australia and New Zealand and we are also interested in hearing from folk in other countries that would like to know more.

Further to that it is a complete business system that can generate more business than you can carry out. We don’t know what that is as our Franchise Owners just keep growing. Our top people are now topping $50 000.00 per month and are hell bent on getting to a million dollar year and then see where they go after that.

The package is a complete turnkey operation; you receive extensive initial training and an ongoing development program that keeps you right up where the cutting edge is in the industry.

Full and comprehensive Training
An edge over “ALL” opposition
$1 000.00 per week guarantee first thirteen weeks
Complete and comprehensive Inventory
Fast start marketing program
Monthly Newsletters and Bulletins
Field visits from various senior personal and trainers
Annual Conference off shore
Full back up service to any business problem what so ever
On going development of new innovations and products
The most amazing exclusive stain Removal Products in the world
A Sales and Marketing program that can and will generate more business than you can carry out.

“When I started this business people said I was mad. While that may be the case, now that we have many people earning around the $100 000.00 to $150 000.00 per year mark, who is the mad one?”

Katy bought a new book recently entitled "What Two Million Kiwi Women Want." Seeing the title, Bloody Leo grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing
through the pages.

Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Katy stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?"
Bloody Leo replies, "I just want to check to see if they've got my name spelled right."

Albert's Reality

Time and a couple of things that I threw in the ring that no bastard could prove one way or the other is where I made my money. So I thought I’d throw a couple of extra relative thoughts in the ring to appease a few bastards now that the truth is slowly catching up on me.

If you wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes.
If you don’t wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes.

Your new years resolutions collide with last years habits and all that Is new are your alibis. So set new years alibis and you cant go wrong.

What I’m about to throw at the plasticines, oops I mean the professors is this one. I reckon it could get me another gong it is so good. Are you ready for it!!

“Time is all that stops everything from happening at once” Bloody good eh!!

And just another quick douse of reality that everyone believes implicitly regardless of the outcome so it must be right…….

The future is that glorious time when we will be rich and successful.

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives

A TRUE STORY
This appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 02 2003.
Two young Dublin thieves got lucky after the Pub closed one dark night off O'Connell St when they saw a window open in the side of a Bank.
Once inside the bank shortly their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
"Feck" says Mick its a safe deposit bank-------great.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a euro, a diamond, or ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, comfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.......

Have you registered your team yet!!! Its time to do so now. It may never be easier for your team to be the holders of the Good Bastards Rugby World Cup.

The Mighty Merivale Maulers
Good Bastards Rugby world Cup Champions

This over 35 event is on the 22nd 23rd 24th of August 2003
Nunweek Park
Christchurch
Hosted by Merivale’s Mighty Merlins Maulers
For more Information contact
neil@greatevents.co.nz

OUT TO DINNER MATHEMATICS
This is pretty neat how it works out.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
Don't cheat and read the bottom until you've worked through it!
This is fun!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753.... If you haven't, add 1752..........
6.. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number .
The first digit of this was your original number (I.e., how many times you want to eat out each week.)
The next two numbers are...
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, IT IS!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2003) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?

Another True Story, can’t say more than that.
My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring Me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the Toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg. And we'd go home.
That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer.
You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance."
Relief.
More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper.
The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on-that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch
doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."
And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.
At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chocolate wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this."
At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.
This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

Scientific discovery
Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with men. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains, the left and the right. The left half has nothing right in it and the right half has nothing left in it!

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road.
This is a complete fabrication.
In fact, we do not even have a chicken.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's
capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either for us or against us.
There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
JOHN HOWARD
I agree with George and Tony.
KIM BEAZLEY
There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage, but if I were crossing
the road ....
SIMON CREAN
@#@#!!@ Chicken. No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my @#@#!!@ say
so. It's time for the chicken to put up or shut up.
PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General)
I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the road. In
fact I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the chicken
asked for it
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt
accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads.
You may say I'm a dreamer - but its not the only hen.
MICHAEL JACKSON
There's nothing more wonderful than sharing your bed with a chicken.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
ALEX FERGUSON
The chicken was not drawn to the other side fairly, and Beckham is not
bigger than this club.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs,
file your important documents, and balance your cheque book - and internet
explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did noooot have sexual relations with that chicken!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

Balls as Big as Church Bells
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law and mother-in-law, his new step-father-in-law and new step-mother-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumb-founded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge... Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man...Priceless.

I reckon there needs to be stuff said about Cosmetics. You know that stuff the women who look good anyway use to make themselves look better than they are.

They fool no bastard and certainly not me. I’m a bit of an expert on this stuff that has come about from years of causal observation.

They think it works this way: Teenagers use it to make them look older sooner and their mothers to make them look younger longer. It’s bloody logical that one of them has to have it wrong.

Some bastard said Beauty comes from within – within jars, tubes, compacts sprays ….

Shelia down the road from here, every bastard criticizes her for all the crap she puts on her face. Thing is though, it saved her the other day, yea, she went arse over tit and would have smashed her face in on the concrete but her eyelashes saved her.

Most Shelia could get jobs as plasters, they are so handy with the trowel.

Probably a good place to pick up sheilas for the young blokes; down the trowel shop.

Anyway some bastards making a quid out of it so it can’t be all bad.

I’ll be there when you need me.

Pigs arse

Puzzle
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the country:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers,
The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.
They are each thinking the exact same thing.
What are they thinking?
Answer Elsewhere

Saint Pam has a say
During a friendly argument, Paddy asked me why I married him in the first place.
"I was just stupid," I teased.
When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.
"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

Secret to a Happy Marriage
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mum?” she asks, “How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?”
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.
Practice this and when you can do it, I’ll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life,” said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough.
She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound.
Her husband startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What’s wrong honey?” she asked.
He replied, “ Shit woman!” as he stepped further away.
If that thing growls like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don’t want to tease it with meat!”

The Truth had to Come Out Sooner or later
Malcovitch and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together.
The three kids, all very successful careerists, but not as attentive as the parents would have liked, agreed to a Sunday dinner at the old folks house. Of course, they were all late, as usual, and the excuses flowed like wine
Happy Anniversary, Dad!” gushed son # 1…”I’m sorry I’m running late…had an emergency at the hospital, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to stop to get you guys a present!”
Not to worry!” said the old man…”The important thing is, we’re together!”
Son #2 came rushing in. “POPS! You’re lookin’ good! And MOM! You’re still beautiful, love! I just got in from L.A. where I closed a big deal! Came straight from the airport, and didn’t have time to buy you a gift…I’m so sorry!”
It’s nothing,” said Malcovitch…we’re together, that’s the main thing!”
Daughter: “Mom, Dad, the firm is shipping me to Europe for a conference….I gotta run as soon as din-din’s over…didn’t have time for a shopping trip!”
Malcovitch sighed, “I don’t care, we just like being together!”
Halfway through the meal, Malcovitch, in a reflective mood, said. “Listen, you three … Something’s been on my mind, and I want to tell you about it…..your Momma and I…well, we came to this country during the war, penniless, desperate… and in the struggle to survive….I’m afraid we never got around to getting married….we just knew we loved each other, and after a few years, it didn’t seem important, so….”
The three offspring, with a collective gasp, said, “DAD! You mean…you mean to say…we’re…BASTARDS?”
YEAH, and CHEAP ones, too!” retorted the old man.

Just for the hell of it, A few Blonde Jokes
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It’s not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven’t met!
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that’s where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. What’s a blondes favourite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Good Cover
A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed to his request.

Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied, "He went that way".

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said she understood.

The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

Little Paddy
Little Paddy asked his mother the age-old question, "How did I get here"?
His mother told him "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the Little Paddy.
"Yes, dear" the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them as well", the mother patiently replied.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, dear, He did," the mother said.
"So... you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here...!!"

Gidday you good bastards...

One hot January day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
I said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
Next day I had an appointment with the doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people
waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen me arrive.
He looked straight at me, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

It was a typical night at the pub. Bill walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a Bundy and Coke. Then Bill looked at me and said, “I called the mental asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
I said, “Oh yeah, why were you wondering about that?”
And Bill said, “Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week.”

Mate of mine got lost in the bush once. For two days he wandered around, couldn’t find his way out. He hadn’t eaten anything and he was starving. Next thing he sees this wood pigeon scoffing down these Miro berries and he threw a bit of wood at it and sconed it. Just as he was half way through eating it, these two Doc officers come along and be was busted for killing a protected species. Well, he went to court and he pleaded not guilty ‘cos he reckoned if he didn’t eat the wood pigeon he would’ve died of starvation. The judge ruled in his favour. In the judge's closing statement he said to my mate, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I used to be a keen bushman myself. Tell me what does a native pigeon taste like?”
My mate said, “Sort of a cross between a kiwi and a blue duck.”

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

LINKS !
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Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Monday June 16th 2003 ISSUE #85
*Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.*
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Things you should check out on the site Before you bugger off home...

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...