Coming to you from the back veranda at GB HQ on the Gold Coast.

Thought for the day: "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."

 

The Good Bastards
West Coast
Gold Rush Festival

Well it’s over for another year. It was a great weekend and much drinking laughing singing and dancing was done.

The three bands were a real treat; The Good Bastards Band anchored the event with their great talent and variety of music. They had everyone in the right frame of mind to enjoy a beer or two and make the most of the enormous camaraderie that prevailed. The Good Bastards Ballard went over fantastically. You will here more of that shortly.

They were ably supported by the Puha Bandidos who, being an acoustic band were able to lightening raids all over the place. They were also a great crowd pleaser.

The Larrikins, a new but highly talented Irish band had the early evening spot with an amazing selection of Irish music.

Bernie from Club Havana and her team of great dancers provided some fantastic Latin dance routines. (The dazzling ladies and spunky blokes were a great hit with the crowd apart from the great dancing)

Three Rock n Roll Clubs did us proud with a brilliant display of just how to do this great stuff.

One of the highlights was our surprise guest Father Jack from Craigie Island off the coast of Ireland. You will remember him as the cranky old priest off the Father Ted TV show.

He is still cranky and still requires WOMEN and DRINK and FECK got a fair airing as well.

Father Jack was the judge of the Year Of Good Bastards Beer and we will have some photos and details of the winner next week.

The Axemen came along and for many they were one of the best events Anthony Gilsenan, Gordon Smith, Terry Rice

There were a number of other Larrikin events that went over well and a few Good Bastards World Records were set. Will tell you more on them when we post them on the sight.

A feature of the event of course was the official take over of Queens Birthday Weekend and renaming it Good Bastards Birthday Weekend.

And here it is! The...

Good Bastards Birthday Weekend honours list

The Good Bastards Hall of Sporting Fame
Possum Bourne
Robbie Deans

The Good Bastards Community Spirit Award
Eric Walker - Hokitika
Garry Moore - Christchurch

The Distinguished Order of Good Bastards for contribution to the Progress of Good Bastards:
Russell Downs - Greymouth
Tracey Anderson - Greymouth
Kevin Black (Blackie) - Auckland
Glen Green (The Greenman) - Auckland
Jono Prior - Auckland
Roger Farrelly - Auckland
Nick Trott - Auckland
Brian Moore - Christchurch
Peter Leitch (The Mad Butcher) - Auckland
Scott Williams - Christchurch

The Order of Real Good Bastards
Graham Cox - Hokitika
Alex Christie - Gold Coast
Pat Curtain - Hokitika
Peter Jones - Hokitika
Peter Campion - Hokitika
Gary Hutchison - Hokitika
Bev Hutchison - Hokitika
Gus Heveldt - Greymouth
Alan Kerr - Taupo
John McEwan - Canberra
David Pennell - Canberra
Roger Curran - Gold Coast
Rhonda Curran - Gold Coast
Rachel Forrester - Christchurch
Malcolm Tubb - Timaru
Pierre McManus - Invercargill
Adam Sutherland - Timaru
Michael Keenan - Hokitika
Mark Kruishoop - Timaru

The Good Bastards Order of Excellence
Neil Blanchfield - Christchurch
Renata Blanchfield - Christchurch
Evan Birchfield - Ross
Jane Birchfield - Ross
John Hynds - Auckland
Rachel Teen - Hokitika
Kerry Heveldt - Greymouth
Barry Wilson - Hokitika
 

Alberts Reality
I thought we should have a quick look at how relative holidays are. They are something that turns someone who is tired into someone who Is exhausted and they cant wait to get home to get back to tired again.

If you go to America for a ‘vacation’ allow two days to fold the map for every day you have driving.

Most people cant take time off work, not because the firm can do without them, it’s just that they don’t want the firm to find that out.

Most folk go away to forget and when they open their suitcase they find they have.

I met my wife at a travel agent, she was going on a holiday and I was the last resort.
 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
A Belfast woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, and a small package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunken man from Dublin standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her four items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The Dubliner said, "Cause you're Bloody ugly."

Is this a ballet or a wedding?

Yarns about good Bastards You all know
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Before we deal with a bit of chat back from the ladies, some of you might be interested in reading what Naomi Ragan has to say about a thing she calls “The Hundred Rabbis Scam” It tales male chauvinism to a new height. Check it out.

Dougs missus
Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife lying in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and big red bruises and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been ravaged in sexual passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the nightstand next to the bed. He screamed at his wife, " What is going on here, who did this to you?"
His wife calmly and innocently said, "No one Doug, Whenever I try to smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!"
 

The Girl and the Priest
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

My Very First Time Ever!
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....
 

Doctor, Doctor I’m in trouble
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains.
"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."
"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"
"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!"
 

The teens make me sick with their new Catamaran.

Gidday you good bastards...

Gidday you Good Bastards...

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said," If you firm this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said," You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

Mens sayings...and what they mean.
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't Fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again


Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items that Jane was buying at the clothing store.
While Jane fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," Jane replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you're going
to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."


A SALUTES TO THE NEW ALL BLACKS... DA ISLAND ONES
A bored police officer decides to have fun with 3 guys in the drunk tank. There is a redneck, a black guy, and a Samoan guy. The officer says to the 3 drunks, "I'll let you boys go if you can spell the word "dishes", and use it in a sentence.
The redneck goes first: "D-I-S-H-E and uh S, I wash the dishes."
"Thats's very good, cracker, you can go." says the officer.
The brother is up next. "D-I-S-H-E and S, I break the dishes over your head!".
"Good Leroy, see you later", the officer says.
Next is the Samo, "O le D-I-S-H-E- ma le S" There is a long pause, then the hamo stands up and yells, "Dishes da police!!!"

A Samoan taxi driver from way out in the wops drove into town in Apia and stopped at the Beach Bar for a drink. Unfortunately the 'city dwellers' always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his taxi had been stolen.
So he goes back into the bar, handily flips his machete in the air,catches it above his head without even looking and stabs it into the ground just missing his toes and his jandals.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU PLAADY SCHWINES STOLE MY TAXI?" he yelled.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT I'M KONNA HAVE ANADA PEER, AND IF MY TAXI ISN'T PACK OUTSIDE PY DA TIME I FINNISH MY PIA, IM KONNA TO WHAT I DIT IN SAVAII! AND I DONT' LIKE TO HAVE TO TO WHAT I DIT IN SAVAII!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. So he had another beer, walked outside, and whaddaya know - his taxi is back out there! He starts up and starts to drive out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Sole, pefore you ko....what happened in Savaii?"
The Samoan turned back and said, "I HAD TO WALK ALL DA PLAADY WAY HOME."

WARNING: OFFENSIVE!!!
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Samoan bloke 6ft5 and 350lbs.He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big hamo. Leaning over towards the Samoan he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?" At this the massive Samoan leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat. Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that, " he says, "just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure", the big Samoan replies, "somefing about a job"

One morning the teacher says to her class, "Can anyone put the word coincide into a sentence."
Little Sally shoots her hand up and says, "Me Miss...please."
"Ok then Sally what's your sentence?" says the teacher.
"Jenny's birthday and mine coincide on the 5th of May."
"Very good Sally. Now is there anyone else who can put coincide into a sentence?"
The teacher scans the room, she notices that Sione, her student from Lotofaga is keeping his head up. Sione usually hides by ducking his head behind another students head in situations like this. All of a sudden she makes eye contact with him.Sione
smiles....
"Okay Sione do you have a sentence for me?"
"Yes miss, Yeshtaday when I got home, it started rain, my muddah saw us blay in da rain, so her tole us to COINCIDE."

Cheers


Cheers

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

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This weeks wacky site is
This is a great Illusion, important to concentrate for approx 30 seconds on the design and then look at a flat white surface.
http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf

 

Last word from Paddy

Noah would never have made it this politically correct world. Cut and paste this and send it to every bastard you know. It is how it is out there and getting sillier by the minute.

Good Bastards is going to continue its attack on stupid government ( I was going to say Leadership) using humour.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with Occupational Health & Safety Commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a Rezoning Application with the City Council & it is now with the Land & Environment Court.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra.
I finally convinced the Dept of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the wood to save the kookaburras. However, National Parks & Wildlife won't let me catch any kookaburras, so, no kookaburras.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Dept of Industrial Relations before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no kookaburras.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by the RSPCA. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Dept of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a complete set of UBDs & Gregory's.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The New Zealand Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I also have to wait for the registration of my ABN for the GST.
I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." I also need a Boat Drivers Licence but they are debating about how to classify the craft.
I am getting continual visits from Greenpeace, the RSPCA, Work Cover, the Sheriff's Office & numerous other government departments.
Finally, the New Zealand Council for Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The bureaucracy has beaten me to it! I'll send a drought instead".

 

 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 16/06/2003

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