Coming to you from a bunker somewhere in Christchurch planning final Strategies for the big event.

Thought for the day: "Fishing is a jerk at one end of a line waiting for a jerk on the end."

 

Radio Personalities to
Be a part of
“The Good Bastards West Coast Gold Rush Festival”

Legendary DJ and all round funny man Kevin Black from Solid Gold FM
With Suzie from Sophie’s Café in Christchurch

Kevin Black from Solid Gold FM is coming down from Auckland to be a part of it all. Blackie has built an enormous following and reputation and is certainly one of the best known DJ’s in the country. He can tell a story or two and spin a bloody good yarn and we are going to hear a few of them.
 

8 Papanui Rd and 147 Colombo St Ch Ch

Then there is the Greenman, the night DJ from the Rock

The Greenman Night DJ from the Rock will be there. He has been sending out the sounds right around NZ for the last four years. He has met anyone who is anyone in the NZ music scene. Well not quite we have a few up and coming musos that will knock his socks off.

The Good Bastards Band for starters. Have you ever heard a guitar talk? Well you will at our do. Then the Puha Bandidos, warn the kids about these wild looking buggars. Plus we have a few big surprises coming out of the woodwork music wise.

The Greenman doing his impression of a West Coast Sawmiller ordering five beers

Jono will be there. Jono is becoming famous faster than any other bastard in the country. It has been predicted that he will go on to make his mark in politics although noone is game to mention just what that mark is. Jono is Nick and Rogs main man on the Morning Rumble on the ROCK. Jono has some stuff lined up for us that is so bloody good that if we told you about it now the other station would hop on the band wagon and copy. Just come along and find out.
 

Good Bastards Birthday Weekend
(Formally the dud weekend know as Queens Birthday)
31st May 1st June 2nd June
Noon till late
Good Bastards Village
Function Centre
QE11 Stadium
Travis Rd
Christchurch
 

Tickets now available from
Super Liquor Stores In Christchurch
 

Albert's Reality
Laziness is Relative to the result. Its often not the missing of the deadline that is relevant but the shouting that goes with it.

The real trick is efficiency, its intelligent laziness and will eventually merge into effective delegation.

Lazy people who don’t exercise the above have as much initiative as an echo.

Intention is the best friend of laziness, they live in stressful unrest for years and years. Its worth mentioning that low incomes live on easy street and unfortunately it is a very long street in every suburb and town.

It’s a bit sad really. Life has much to offer and the natural barriers are laziness, little or no planning and no action to lift self-esteem.

Seek the answers in books in the personal development section of any good book shop.

 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town near Kilarny. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.

"The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But, but --you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.”



 

The Good Bastards
Rugby World Cup

This over 35 event is on the 22nd 23rd 24th of August 2003
Nunweek Park
Christchurch
Hosted by Merivale’s Mighty Merlins Maulers
For more Information contact
neil@greatevents.co.nz

Check out last year's photos!


 

THE GOOD, BAD AND THE UGLY:

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It’s triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She’s a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He’s involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You’re in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It’s another man.
Ugly : He’s your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

You won’t want to listen to this but...

If you do: you can catch Paddy at 7.20 am every Friday on Radio Scenicland on the West Coast South Island New Zealand. Paddy will have a gag or two and a few home truths about the sponsor that aren’t what you would normally expect to hear.

This months sponsor

Gary and Gloria McGill
Kokatahi Hotel

Heres the deal: The Kokatahi Hotel is the second pub in the world to sell Good Bastards Beer. Apart from that main claim to fame, they also have the best little restaurant on the West Coast. The Juicy Steaks are unsurpassed and there is other stuff on the menu that will have you licking your lips and wanting to return.

That bloody Gloria sure can cook a mean feed. It was Gloria’s good tucker that lead to Arny Scwachisname to pinch my saying “I’ll be Back”

This weekend do the “Magical Tour”

Head off out to Lake Kaniere, stop and breathe in the cool clear lake ozone air, that alone is worth the trip. It’ll fix up what’s wrong with you.

Take in the magnificent scenery of this beautiful land locked cache of water and its magnificent rain forests hat dangle, that’s right dangle their beauty into the tranquil waters.

Take the scenic pathway around the lake, they have now opened it up to cars. Stop at Dorothy falls. (Who the hell was Dorothy) Take a snap, great to send to some bastard overseas and make them jealous.

Then up past the head of the lake, yes it does have a head, then into the Kokatahi Valley. Down past Peter and Jude Jones farm. It’s the house with the Zundapp out the front.

Then Bingo you are outside the famous, and getting more so Kokatahi Hotel.
 

Worlds Strongest Beer
What has been reported in the UK press as the world's strongest beer is to go on sale in the UK off-trade. Called Dogfish Head Worldwide Stout, it has an abv of 23%, and has the tag "extreme beer" in the US where it is made.
The beer will go on sale in Safeway's supermarkets for £6 for a third of a litre.
Speaking in the Sun newspaper, Good Beer Guide editor Roger Protz said: "If you drink too much of this stuff you won't just drop down drunk, you could drop down dead. It should be sold in smaller quantities."

Talk Ireland
Read what they are saying in Ireland about The Good Bastards West Coast Gold Rush Festival.
http://www.talk-ireland.com/article.php?sid=882

 

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor : The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids. "The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor : The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor : This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.

Fourth floor : This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor : The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are bloody impossible to please."

A West Coast "fire starter".

The interview
An old man turned 96 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"No sir, they all be my young uns," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"No sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 96 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Yes sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a tight fist, "I fights 'em."

New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead...

 

Little Paddy
Little Paddy's mother was working in the kitchen listening to him playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your arses in the train cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, little Paddy came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her Son say..."All passengers, please remember to take all of your Belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We Hope you will ride with us again soon ". She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, Please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 

Gidday you good bastards...

This fullah was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The fullah got out of the car and the cop asked him why he was going so fast. He said, "See that chick in there? I just picked her up at the pub and she's so hot I was trying to find a nice quiet spot we can park up, ya know what I mean?"
The cop looked in the car and saw this gorgeous young blonde chick wearing a lycra mini skirt and a smile. He said, I'll tell you what, I know this nice quiet place close by. How about I escort you to that place?" And the fullah said, "Man, you'd do that just so I can get a hop on?" And the cop said,
"Yeah, sure, just as long as I'm second." The fullah said, "Well, I dunno, I've never shagged a copper before."

This man went to the health clinic with green balls. the doctor checked him over and examined his emerald goolies and said, "Have you ever heard of cauliflower ears?"
The man said, "Yes."
And the doctor said, "Well you have got brothel sprouts."

How does Princess Di & Kurt Cobain collect their thoughts?
With a shovel.

Two dirty old swagmen were walking down the street. One says to the other "Have you just shit your pants?" The other swaggy said, "Nah mate." A bit further down the road and this great big turd drops out of the swaggies
trouser leg. The other swaggy said, "There you are, I thought you'd shit." And his mate said, "I thought you meant today."

A couple met on a golf course, and fell in love. A few weeks later, the guy said "it's only fair to warn you, I'm a golf nut. I live eat, breath, and sleep golf." The lady said "since we are being honest here, I have something to tell you, I'm a hooker" The guy looked down to the ground, and thought for a minute, and then looked up and said "it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball"

This fullah wanders into this pub down the West coast. He sees this fisherman in their at the bar with a head the size of a tennis ball. He asks him why his head is so small. The fisherman says, "Well, I was out fishing when I caught a mermaid in my nets. So cut her free and she gave me three wishes for freeing her. I said I want a new fishing boat, and lo and behold
a lovely big trawler appeared. I said I wish to be wealthy and lo and behold there on the deck appeared all these gold bars. Then I said, you're a very spunky young mermaid, I want to have a hop-on with you. And the mermaid said, you can't, I'm only half woman, so I said, how about a little head?"

This blonde chick just bought this new car, she was out the back roads giving it a bit of a strop when all of a sudden, it shat itself and stopped. She got out and lifted the bonnet and after a few minutes realised that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA a mechanic was there pretty soon.
He said, "What seems to be the matter?"
She said, "Well, it just conked out." So he set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. The blonde chick said, "Thank goodness, what was the matter?" The AA man said, "Simple really, just crap in the carburettor." The blonde looked a bit shocked and said, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. And he pulled over and gave him a lift. A little bit down the road, the truckie saw a lawyer walking down the road and swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away. But, even though he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
And the truckie said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
The priest said, "That's okay, I got him with the door!"


Cheers

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

This weeks wacky site is
This is a special site for those who love the girlie sites. It has particular educational value for some aspects of society. You will learn something here quite significant and something you may not be aware of.
http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

 

 

 

Last word from Paddy

All I can tell you is I look forward to catching up with you at the big event. Im so busy getting tit together I haven’t got time to take the piss out of anyone this week.
 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

---

Last Update: 09/06/2003

© 2001-2002 Good Bastards Privacy Statement visits, and still going!

Site Design & Maintenance by