Coming to you from Paddy's place, in a mad frantic panic getting ready to invade New Zealand once more. See you all at The Good Bastards West Coast Gold Rush Festival

Thought for the day: "If at first you don't succeed, it must be someone else's fault. Find them, blame them, and make them pay."

 

Southland Hotel
Hokitika’s Premiere Hotel
Sponsors the
Good Bastards West Coast Gold Rush Festival

You've heard of a crime scene? Well this is the opposite.
THE FUN SCENE
Inside the Southland Hotel
Not sure when it was taken, I've never seen it empty!!!
 

The Southland Hotel was as much a part of the formation Of Good Bastards as was Pat Condon’s Good Bastard Hilton located near the mouth of an unnamed glacier fed South Westland River. And we are pleased to announce their official involvement as sponsors of the event.

When it comes to legendary establishments the West Coast has its share. There is non more so than the Southland Hotel. It has been in the Teen family and its ancestry since 1886. That’s 119 years, that’s one helluva length of time to own a pub.

When it is as good as the Southland, its no wonder. This pub has spawned more stories and good times than any other I know.

Southland Hotel
Revell Street
HOKITIKA
West Coast
South Island
New Zealand
Phone 03 7558344
International 64 3 7558344

The Greatest Collection of Larrikin Events ever assembled
When this started off it was just going to be a Comedy and Beer festival. Somewhere where we could have a few Good Bastards Beers tell a few yarns and find the funniest Good Bastard in New Zealand.

Well that didn’t have as much zing as we wanted so with a bit of master minding with Neil and Renata Blanchfield.

• The quest for the Southland Hotels funniest Bastard in New Zealand
• The Good Bastards Heart Of Champion
• The Puha Bandidos, Get there early, (coz they’ll meet you at the door.)
• The Good Bastards World Record Attempts
• The Good Bastards Beer or the Box
• The Good Bastards Band
• Irish Music, (tbc)
• The Good Bastards Coal Shovelling Competition
• The Good Bastards Cross Cut Challenge
• The Good bastards Raw Talent Contest
• Spontaneity events
• The Good Bastards Rock n Roll Contest
• The Good Bastards team challenge
• The Good Bastards Latin Dancing Demonstration
• The Good bastards Arm Wrestling Challenge.

Plus

As we get closer you will here our ads on these three stations. Can’t tell you too much yet but there will be some special celebrities that are coming to the event to give us even more flavour.

Business Promotion Opportunities
We have a few booths available in the Good Bastards Village if you are interested in promoting your product or service to a few thousand Good Bastards drop us an email and we forward you a promotions pack. promos@goodbastards.com

The Good Bastards Souvenir Program
Promotional Opportunities closing this week
To commemorate this inaugural event we are having a special program. All sorts of interesting stuff, jokes and Good Bastards Stories. Put your name up there in lights with Good Bastards

Good Bastards Birthday Weekend
(Formally the dud weekend know as Queens Birthday)
31st May 1st June 2nd June
Noon till late
Good Bastards Village
Function Centre
QE11 Stadium
Travis Rd
Christchurch
 

More Hot Info
Next week
On this the inaugural event

From Monday The 19th of May
Tickets will be available from
Super Liquor Stores In Christchurch
 

Albert's Reality
Last week I gave women the big clue on how to get along with men, this week I will cover a few points for the male of the species.

If you want to know what they are called the opposite sex, just express an opinion.

The best way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.

They would rather be right than reasonable, it’s a characteristic within most of them.

There is probably a way to handle women, but no one has found it.

It could be the next great breakthrough in human discovery.

 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
A rather drunk Paddy staggers into a Catholic Church, enters confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Paddy just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

Paddy mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".



 

The following is an important announcement...

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
 

The Good Bastards
Rugby World Cup

Last year's winners - the Merlin's Maulers

The Good Bastards Rugby Club is growing. While the Good Bastards Rugby worlds Cup is on we are going to form The Good Bastards Rugby Club Executive.

This will be the executive that drives the club forward, sets the rules and generally makes it a club that everyone wants to be a part of.

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup is looming and interest is coming from teams all around the place.

This over 35 event is on the 22nd 23rd 24th of August 2003
Nunweek Park
Christchurch
Hosted by Merivale’s Mighty Merlins Maulers
For more Information contact
neil@greatevents.co.nz

Check out last year's photos!


 

Mood Ring
My Husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe he will buy me a diamond next time!!!

Miracles
An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand inside his pants.

With a frown, his wife says, "Gordon, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"

Toey Bitch
The wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

Call the optician
Speaking at a staff meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer told the male manager of the division.
"I'd like to get something off my chest."
"What's that?"
"Your eyes."
 

Talk Ireland
Check out the site Talk Ireland. Keep up to date with all sorts of great stuff about Ireland. Click below and you will even find a bit a bout Good Bastards.

http://www.talk-ireland.com/article.php?thold=0&mode=thread&order=0&sid=862
 

The Pat Condon fan club.

Gidday you good bastards...

Me grandad went to see the doctor yesterday. He said, "Doctor, I can't hear a thing out of my right ear."
So the doctor had a look with his thingy and he said, "No wonder you can't hear a thing, you have a suppository stuck in your ear."
And Grandad said, "Thank God for that, now I know where my hearing aid is!!"

A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier said, "Sir, do you have a dog?"
The man said, "Yes."
"Well, where is it?"
"I left him home."
The cashier said, "Sorry, you can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog.That's the rules."
The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier. "Yes," he said, "but I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."
The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"
The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper."

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a stroke... but the third doesn't because her arms aren't long enough.

Did you hear about the blind penile implant surgeon?
He slipped and got the sack.

These two chicks were talking in the pub. One said to the other, "i've never been happier. I've got two boyfriends, one is just fabulous. He's handsome, sensitive, caring, considerate and he's got a fantastic body."
Her mate said, "Why on earth do you need the second one for?"
And the first chick said, "Oh, the second one is straight."

I was watching this movie. This bloke killed his wife and chopped her up into little pieces and placed them all in a rubbish bag. The rubbish collection day came and he became very nervous about the rubbish collectors finding out his terrible act. Then he heard the truck pull up, and then a knock at the door! "Oh no!" he thought "They've discovered the body!"
Slowly he opened the door to see the rubbish man standing on the front doorstep with a bag in his hand. "Excuse me mate" the rubbish man said "Have you got another bag?.... the bottom has fallen out of this one"

I took old Uncle Pute down to the Nawton Tavern on Saturday night and this chick with really hairy armpits was sitting at the end of the bar. And uncle Pute forgot his glasses and this chick raises her arm to order a drink and uncle Pute nearly fell off his stool. About ten minutes later she raises her arm again to order another drink and Uncle Pute calls old Shorty the
bartender over and says, "Buy that ballerina a drink on me." And Shorty says, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" And Uncle Pute goes, "Anyone who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina..."


Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

This Week's Wacky Site
Run your mouse over the picture and something might happen. It will only happen if youre a bit of a pervert. Those that aren’t shouldn’t even bother clicking.
http://www.rock103.com/crew/showprep/media/SMTSFLSH2.swf
 

 

 

Last word from Paddy

Well at last Little Johnny Howard has plucked up enough courage to get rid of the governor general, albeit temporarily. The rape allegations may well turnout to be unfounded if Hollingsworth’s assertions are correct. He deserves as we all do to be treated as innocent until proven guilty.

That doesn’t get away from the fact that he supported and covered up for paedophiles in his team when he was Archbishop for the Anglican Church.

When the heads of Churches and the heads of State cover up paedophilia what chance have the children got.

A pox on the governor general and a pox on John Howard for not having the balls to act sooner.
 

Oh, and one more thing …..

 

Just who is the funniest bastard in NZ???



Win a year of Good Bastards Beer

We are looking for the funniest bastard in New Zealand
Simply get a mate or your work to sponsor you come along and tell us your funniest gag
 

Nominate someone or yourself now.

Yes I reckon I’ll give this bloody thing a crack. Before you nominate someone you mst have obtained their consent. or the dumb bastards out there, that means their say so, their ok, the fact that they agree. Comprendo!!!!!!!!

Funny Bastards Name

Address

Phone

Email

Age

Comments

Nominator:
This is the person recommending that so and so up above is a funny good bastard telling a joke.
My name is

My Address

Email

Best Day(s) to attend May 31st June 1st June 2nd

 

And the winner is ………….

Dunno yet, but they will receive a year of Good Bastards Beer

Spread the Word!
 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 19/05/2003

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