Coming to you from the Gold Coast, QLD, Australia.

Thought for the day: "Count your age with friend, not with years."

 

The Good Bastards
West Coast Gold Rush
Festival

Where you will find
Weapons of Mass Distraction

The program is all coming together. In keeping with the good Bastards Concept of total larrikinism we have booked the biggest band of larrikin bastards that ever tripped over a dead possum.

The Puha Bandidos are coming and man do they go off once they get a bit of a trot on. All the way from North Auckland these guys have already become legends.

Just look at them, they look just like the crew from Nolan’s mill at Haast before the road went through. They will entertain you and have you laughing and wanting more. (the crew from Nolan’s Mill were also good looking bastards, but they couldn’t sing like these blokes)

They play a range of great music that covers a wide spectrum and their spin makes it all the more worthwhile.

The project manager Rachel Forrester for the event is doing a great job in bringing it all together. There is a massive amount of logistical issues that need to be coordinated along with all the marketing and sponsorship. Good onya Rachel.

Good Bastards Birthday Weekend
(Formally the dud weekend know as Queens Birthday)
31st May 1st June 2nd June
Good Bastards Village
Function Centre
QE11 Stadium
Travis Rd
Christchurch
The greatest assemblage of larrikin events ever

Next week we will tell you about the greatest assemblage of larrikin events ever assembled over one week end.

Late Breaking News

Hokitika’s Southland Hotel, The West Coast number one Hotel for entertainment, great food and accommodation. The original home of Good Bastards is the major sponsor of the event. Stay tuned, more next week
http://www.southlandhotel.com/
 

Albert's Reality
This week I thought I would give a dose of relativity to the women of the world by telling them what is not relevant.

It relates to five questions you should never ask a male.
1. What are you thinking?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

Stay away from these five and you should have a relatively good relationship.




 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
Heres one that has been circulating a great yarn if you haven’t already heard it.

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein?" a heavily accented voice said, "Dis is Paddy, down at the Harp & Fiddle Pub in County Sligo, Ireland, so it is. Oy'mringin' to inform you dat we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy, this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Roit now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "Dere's meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus and the entire darts team from the Pub. Dat makes eight! ... an' me dog."
Saddam paused, "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Jaysus, now!" said Paddy. "Oi'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day Paddy called again.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We've managed to acquire some infantry equipment."
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well now, we have two combine harversters, a D9 bulldozer and Murphy's farm tractor with the brand new rotary mower."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to 1 ½ million since we last spoke."
Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light crop sprayer with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well."
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called the next day. "Top of the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that." said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart."
"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a long chat over a few pints of the Guinness, and we don't tink dere's any feckin' way we can feed two million prisoners."


 

Blah Blah Blair and Gorge AM Bush outed as lovers!

Blah Blah and Gorge are in love and its official. Lindsay and Maria Courtis from Christchurch uncovered the truth and reported to us here as the command centre of all things that are important to Good Bastards.

Since they have been outed as lovers they have cut a disc to mark the occasion. See the video clip before it is released to the world!

The Good Bastards
Rugby World Cup

In full flight full of Good Bastards Beer

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup is looming and
interest is coming from teams all around the place.

This over 35 event is on the 22nd 23rd 24th of August 2003
Nunweek Park
Christchurch
Hosted by Merivale’s Mighty Merlins Maulers

For more Information contact
neil@greatevents.co.nz

Check out last year's photos!

 

The Other Rugby World Cup





Is just around the corner. Here are the times and dates. (Australian times)
(Kick off times are Local/AEST)

 

The Revealment

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway..."

"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?"

"That's my business!" snapped the woman.

"Oh, cool!" said the young man. "I didn't realize you made a living at it!

Urgent attention
To all blokes thinking of getting married

After years of debate and discussion it has finally reached a conclusion. A workable formula for all blokes contemplating marriage. In this age of the prenupuale agreement this research is critical to be included.

~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewellery and fur coats.
~ She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
~ Her favourite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and digging and tending the garden.
~ She will hate charge cards.
~ Her favourite expression will be, "What can I do for you, honey?"
~ She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. Universe.
~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
~ She will love you because you're so sexy.

~~~~~~~~~~~
If you don’t get this sorted this is what you will get

~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
~ She was once a model... for a totem pole.
~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts
eating.
~ She lets you know you only have two faults: everything
you do, and everything you say.
~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like
an explosion in a steel wool factory.
~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

 

Women's Advice To Men

The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

No, we're not impressed with your car -- it takes no special skills to make car payments each month.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

We don't care if you hold the remote -- unlike you however, we don't enjoy watching 27 seconds of 117 different programs.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

Don't insist that we "get off the damn phone" and then not talk to us.

This is why I did your Honour!

Little old Lady to Judge: Your honour, I am 86 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
That's when he Yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the S-O-B!

Dear Lord I pray
For wisdom, to understand my man
Love, to forgive him
Patience, for his moods
Because Lord if I pray for Strength
I'll beat him to death.
 

What Areya???
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions...
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, biker"
They turn to a woman and ask her, "What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."

Little Paddy
Little Paddy was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of to help his math!

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Paddy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Paddy came home with a very serious look on his face.

He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Paddy was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as
hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Paddy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Paddy got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it?

Was it the nuns?"

Little Paddy looked at her and shook his head, no.

Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?

WHAT was it?"
Little Paddy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't stuffing around."
 

Gidday you GBs.

This bloke killed his wife and chopped her up into little pieces and placed them all in a rubbish bag. The rubbish collection day came and he became very nervous about the rubbish collectors finding out his terrible act. Then he heard the truck pull up, and then a knock at the door! "Oh no!" he thought "They've discovered the body!"
Slowly he opened the door to see the rubbish man standing on the front doorstep with a bag in his hand. "Excuse me mate" the rubbish man said "Have you got another bag?.... the bottom has fallen out of this one"

Uncle Pute was down to the Nawton Tavern on Saturday night and this chick with really hairy armpits was sitting at the end of the bar. And uncle Pute forgot his glasses and this chick raises her arm to order a drink and uncle Pute nearly fell off his stool.

About ten minutes later she raises her arm again to order another drink and Uncle Pute calls old Shorty the bartender over and says, "Buy that ballerina a drink on me." And Shorty says, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" And Uncle Pute goes, "Anyone who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina..."

This little girl was on her way home from school and a man in a car pulled up beside her and said, "Would you like a ride home?"
The little girl said, "No."
The man said, "I've got a sweetie..."
Again the little girl said no.
The man tried again. He said, "I've got a sweetie and we could watch a video."
And the little girl said, "Look dad. If you want to give me a ride home from school, why did you buy a Ford Falcon?"

A guy goes to the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop playing with yourself!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients!"

This bloke went out the back of Kickacoon to see this old Abo medicine man he'd heard about.
He said to him, "Mate, I've been living with this curse for about 30 years and I want to know if you could remove it."
And the old Abo medicine man said, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
And the bloke said, "Yeah sure, I now pronounce you husband and wife."

At school after playtime, the teacher asked the kids what they had been doing.
Little Johnny said, "I've been playing in the sandpit."
And the teacher said, "That's good Johnny, If you can spell SAND, you can have a chocolate fish."
So little Johnny said, "S-A-N-D" and the teacher gave Little Johnny a chocolate fish.
Little Johnny's friend Justin said, "Teacher, at playtime I played in the sandpit with little Johnny too."
The teacher said, "OK Justin, if you can spell pit, you can have a chocolate fish too."
And Justin said, "P-I-T."
And the teacher gave him a chocolate fish.
This little Maori boy said, "Teacher, I tried to play in the sandpit with Johnny and Justin but they threw stones at me."
And the teacher said, "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell blatant racial discrimination, I'll give you a chocolate fish."

The missus bought a new pair of jeans. She tried them on and showed them off to me and said, "Do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"
And I said, "Nah, our house isn't blue."

Eat me meat!!

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

 

 

Last word from Paddy

 

Well New Zealand is running out of power this winter and I have the answer. There have been many proposals for new dam sites and other alternatives.

They all get shot down by the iridescent greenies and the weak as piss government who bow to their slightest wish.

They wont let dams be built, and they wont let the water go below certain levels in the ones that do exist. Now heres the solution.

These Iridescent bastards are so keen on conservation, give them a bit their style. These falsely coloured green bastards who are trying to shut us all out of the enviroment. (Tarzan wouldn’t even be allowed in)

Cut their power off today. They won’t mind. Pig s arse; they will bleat if they get their mittens damp let alone go without anything.

Chris Carter their chief puppet attends to their every whim, the gutless bastard. He’ll make sure the iridescent bastards are nice and warm and the rest of the country will go cold.

It would be funny if it weren’t so true.

When will we ever get a government that has a similar Green Slogan to ours.

People also Matter
 

This Week's Wacky Site
The link below takes you to an enthusiasts' home page. It is the new Honda ad just released in UK. I was told no computer generated image was used to create this ad. It took 606 takes to make it. http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html  Sure this is a advertising legend!

N.B. It takes a while to download, but it is worth the wait. You will also need Flash 6.0 to read the file, or Quicktime.

Oh, and more thing …..

 

Just who is the funniest bastard in NZ???



Win a year of Good Bastards Beer

We are looking for the funniest bastard in New Zealand
Simply get a mate or your work to sponsor you come along and tell us your funniest gag
 

Nominate someone or yourself now.

Yes I reckon I’ll give this bloody thing a crack. Before you nominate someone you mst have obtained their consent. or the dumb bastards out there, that means their say so, their ok, the fact that they agree. Comprendo!!!!!!!!

Funny Bastards Name

Address

Phone

Email

Age

Comments

Nominator:
This is the person recommending that so and so up above is a funny good bastard telling a joke.
My name is

My Address

Email

Best Day(s) to attend May 31st June 1st June 2nd

 

And the winner is ………….

Dunno yet, but they will receive a year of Good Bastards Beer

 

Spread the Word!
 

 

 

 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

---

Last Update: 12/05/2003

© 2001-2002 Good Bastards Privacy Statement visits, and still going!

Site Design & Maintenance by