Coming to you from the back veranda at Paddy's Homestead

Thought for the day: "A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."

 

The patron of
Good Bastards
passes away
 

W.P. Condon
R.I.P.

Bill with Good Bastard mate Derek Moir at the Southland Hotel
Good Bastards Day 2000

Bill Condon died last Thursday. I was a sad day for me and sure even sadder for the Condon family. Bill was 88 and only a few days away from been 89 birthday. We all knew he was slipping and secretly hoped he would make it into his ninetieth year.

Bill featured in the Good Bastards first book, the larrikins guide to success. He was Pat Condons father who is a regular columnist to this publication.

Bill came to all, except the most recent Good Bastards days and has been a great supporter from the beginning. He played a role in the formative years of some of the orginal Good Bastards.

Bill grew up at Franz Josef and farmed there all his working life. Then with wife Molly retired to Hokitika many years ago.

He enjoyed many a Grouse whisky especially in the little bar at the back of the Southland Hotel. It was there that a group of them would congregate and have some great sessions.

Bill has now joined many of his mates in the great beyond and a whole new round of yarns and story’s will likely already have kicked off.

He is survived by wife Molly, son Pat and three daughters, Rose, Carmel and Jennifer.

Heres to you Bill, you were, and still are for my money, one of the best.
 

Good Bastards West Coast
Gold Rush Festival

Good Bastards Birthday Weekend
(Formally the dud weekend know as Queens Birthday)
31st May 1st June 2nd June
Good Bastards Village
Function Centre
QE11 Stadium
Travis Rd
Christchurch

Win a year of Good Bastards Beer

We are looking for the funniest bastard in New Zealand
Simply get a mate or your work to sponsor you come along and tell us your funniest gag
 

Nominate someone or yourself now.

Yes I reckon I’ll give this bloody thing a crack. Before you nominate someone you mst have obtained their consent. or the dumb bastards out there, that means their say so, their ok, the fact that they agree. Comprendo!!!!!!!!

And the winner is ………….

Dunno yet, but they will receive a year of Good Bastards Beer

Plus three days of fantastic fun and frivolity.
Check in next week for the big update.

Spread the Word!
 

Albert's Reality
A specialist is a doctor with less patients who charges ten times more.
Less people = bigger house and better car, makes sense.

They’ve stop saying “An apple a day Keeps the doctor away” ever wondered why!!!

Some doctors prefer to tell you the bad news face to face. Others send you the Bill in the post.

Doctors are similar to Lawyers, only Lawyers only rob you. Doctors rob you and kill you.

I went to see mine today, I was too sick last week.



 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O’Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

The Good Bastards
Rugby World Cup

In full flight full of Good Bastards Beer

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup is looming and
interest is coming from teams all around the place.

This over 35 event is on the 22nd 23rd 24th of August 2003
Nunweek Park
Christchurch
Hosted by Merivale’s Mighty Merlins Maulers

For more Information contact
neil@greatevents.co.nz

Check out last year's photos!

 

Australian Customs
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. Wanting his own space, he buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's ass. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, you have your head so close to that cow's ass, it could just about shit on you." The Chinese man is very taken back and says (in his best Asian voice) "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs." "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit."

What Proof have you that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction?
We have it.


 

Charlene goes into the store and asks the assistant she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, Charlene throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "GRAB MY TITS!! GRAB MY TITS!!!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.

The manager comes up to Charlene and asks, "What's wrong?"

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, Charlene throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY TITS!! GRAB MY TITS!!!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, Charlene says, "Because, I like to have my tits grabbed when I'm getting screwed!!!"

The Husband’s dilemma
I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counsellor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'

This Arsehole Saddam and his F**kwit sons
The word is that the worlds greatest serial killers, Saddam Hussein’s oldest son Odai had a whopping great horde of over a million bucks US of grog in a warehouse next to his main house in his old mans presidential compound.

He had all the flash chemically brewed brands such as Chimay, Miller Genuine Draft and Corona. So his liver and kidneys were well on the way to giving him a torturous death in any event.

He even had a stockpile of more ponsier grog such as; "Dom Perignon, French wines, all appellation controlee, some 30-40 years old, a lot of very good brandy, a lot of good whiskey," as well as Cuervo 1800 tequila, Danska vodka and Delamain cognac.

U.S. soldiers who occupied the compound also discovered, before they got horribly pissed a large collection of pornography, six bags of heroin and boxes of Cuban cigars. There was no word on what the U.S. Army did with the booze, although Ballanco said his men smoked the cigars according to a bloke called Greg Kitsock who wrote this article.

Business decision
When the man asked his widower father why he'd married a young nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy instead of a woman his own age, the old man said,
"Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good business than a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one."

Wifes Photos
A man wearing a dirty raincoat sidled up to a businessman on the street corner and asked, "Got any pictures of your wife naked?"

"Certainly not!" huffed the businessman.

The other man inquired, "Wanna buy some?"

No Names, But
The golfer's wife was in full flight.

"If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed.

"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.

Paddy and Paul are talking:
Paddy: I found a magic genie yesterday. She told me she could give me a longer penis or more memory.
Paul: And what did you choose?
Paddy: I can't remember.

Help Plea
"Poland announced it has sent troops to the Gulf to help the coalition forces.... Mexico has no idea what to do with them."

"You're right George, these onion rings are a little chewy..."

Sam & Lars
Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month, otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come...About 5:00..."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

The case of the Stolen Bride
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.

She replied:

"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered:

"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

Taking Your Son to His First Football match
Click Here
Above download is a Powerpoint presentation contained in a zip file. in2ITive Technology guarantees that this file is virus free.

Little Paddy
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" It was little Paddy.

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mum there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again, the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked the child, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mum and the firemen," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice, little Paddy answered, "The search team just landed the hello- copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle, "Me".

 

Gidday you GBs.

I have been on holiday for two weeks. The snapper were biting!

What do you get if you cross a fish with a flea?
Itchy Cods

What's the difference between Charlotte Dawson and a bowling ball?
You can't fit Charlotte Dawson inside a bowling ball.

How do you find water in the dessert?
Give Paddy a 7 iron.

What do you get if you cross an Aussie with a gorilla?
A retarded gorilla.

Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard box.
His dad says: "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?"
To which his son replies: "Because there's no Baghdad"

Short and sweet...

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

This Week's Wacky Site
This is a quiz that Bloody Leo will not pass...Not that means any bloody thing.-----

http://www.dur.ac.uk/t.m.jackson/intelligentietest.htm 

 

 

 

Last word from Paddy

Have you ever noticed how UNACCOUNTABLE the Department of Conservation is in New Zealand? We ll if you don’t live there you wouldn’t have. S o to bring you up to speed here is a bit of how they operate.

Firstly let me make it quite clear, this is no reflection on the decent folk that work for the dictatorial outfit. It’s a job and they do what they are told. No different to Saddam Hussein’s really.

The dick heads at the top of the tree are a different cup of tea and are fair game for this forum.

It seems that these “Anti Living People” have a free and unencumbered mandate to dream up anything they like and impose their so call ideals on all and sundrie.

Lets not get too far from the point here; they do do and have done, many good things and I’m sure they will continue to do those things that need to be done.

However they have a propensity to act way outside the realms of common sense on many issues. Average folk are answerable to DOC in most things environmental. Who are DOC answerable too. Did you know it was impossible for DOC to commit a crime??

We are interested in hearing story’s about this side of their unchallenged regime.
Email to stupidgovermentacts@goodbastards.com

 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

---

Last Update: 06/05/2003

© 2001-2002 Good Bastards Privacy Statement visits, and still going!

Site Design & Maintenance by