Coming to you from beautiful Port Macquarie on the mid North coast of NSW

Thought for the day: "Why is that time of the day when the traffic is slowest called "rush hour?"...hmm !!"

 

The Good Bastards
West Coast
Gold Rush Festival
 

HOW TO GET YOUR
SHARE OF 104 DOZEN
OF GOOD BASTARDS BEER

It is all in the nomination. Nominate the biggest wag that can tell a great gag and send them along to our West Coast Gold Rush Festival in Christchurch.

When they win, you as the nominator(s) share in the booze.

Even if you don’t live anywhere near Christchurch, nominate them from your work, runs some raffles, get the loot and send them down/up/across to this almighty event.

It is going to be a three days of tremendous fun and laughter and the program just keeps getting bigger.

Next week we will make some announcements as to some of the program. We won’t be telling you all as we need you to come along and find out for yourself.

The word is “Get your arse along to QE11 Stadium Travis Road Christchurch New Zealand on Good Bastards Birthday Weekend, formerly the Dud Birthday weekend for the Queen. 31st May, 1st June, 2nd June.
 

And the winner is ………….

Dunno yet, but they will receive a year of Good Bastards Beer

Albert's Reality
I thought I’d touch on that imprecise subject of Justice. If the courts are any guide, it seems it’s more a mater of technicalities rather right and wrong.

The other relative point is that we can only get the justice we can afford.

The question I ask “is who will protect us from the protectors?”

They say swear on the bible, then even the most mediocre of lawyers find flaws in them.

Oh well, so many laws and so much lawlessness.

You can figure it out.



 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together they had a staggering 50 cents between them.

Mick said 'Hang on I have got an idea' - he went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Sausage.

Paul: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all'

Mick: 'Don't worry - just follow me' - and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's

Paul: 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in - we haven't got any money!!'

Mick: 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers' They had their drinks.

Mick said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth.

Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub after pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free.

At the 10th pub Paul said ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I am pissed and my knees are killing me

Mick: 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub'

 

The Good Bastards Rugby Club

KEFU

Toutai Kefu has joined a select band of players when he lead out the Bank of Queensland Reds for the Vodafone Super 12 clash with the Bulls in Pretoria this weekend.

The game was Toutai’s 100th appearance for Queensland in a fantastic career dating back to 1995.

It was in a Super 10 game against Natal at Ballimore that a young 20-year-old Kefu burst on to the scene, scoring a try with his first touch of the ball. His Super 12 debut came a year later against the Chiefs, again in Brisbane.

It was a shame fir him that the Reds Lost.

AN EVEN BIGGER BLOODY SHAME FOR ME BECAUSE I BACKED THE BASTARDS LAST WEEKEND.

The Bledisloe Cup Dates
The forerunner to the world Cup

Will the winner of this years Bledisloe Also be the winner of the Other Rugby World Cup??

2nd of August at Sydney Stadium

16th of August Eden Park Auckland

GOOD BASTARDS RUGBY WORLD CUP



Bigger than the other Rugby World Cup


This over 35 event is on the 22nd 23rd 24th of August 2003
Numweek Park
Christchurch

Hosted by Merivale’s Mighty Merlins Maulers

For more Information contact
neil@greatevents.co.nz

Check out last year's photos!
 

Bunch of good gags from Good Bastards Peter O’Connor

Fifi’s Frigged
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveller asked, "Ma'am, could you please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi needs that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?" I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American. An Aussie bloke sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Buggar
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!..........all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the bed....

Typical Ranger
A couple go on holidays down on the Benmore.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the waters, the wife decides to take the boat out, since his snoring annoys her and it IS such a lovely day.

She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a Fisheries and Wildlife Inspector in his boat. He pulls up alongside the Woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

" Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you an infringement"

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault, "says the Woman

"But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MONEY
It can buy a House...............But not a Home
It can buy a Bed..................But not sleep
It can buy a Clock................But not Time
It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge
It can buy you a Position......But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health
It can buy you Blood............But not Life
It can buy you Sex..............But not Love

So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend
and as your Friend I want to take away
your pain and suffering..............

So send me all your money..........

And I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!

Disney Ducks!!
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

They say revenge is a dish best eaten cold...
A Woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia a few months ago. So she sends him this care package.

He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favourite TV shows.
He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's penis.

After a few seconds, it is all over and she turns and spits into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Good Yarns Pete!

Must See Movie Review

The Magdalene Sisters

Less than 10 years ago, stories began emerging about the Magdalene laundries in Ireland. These were institutions run by the Catholic Church where young women were imprisoned, often for life. It's hard to comprehend the wall of silence that protected them for hundreds of years from public scrutiny, click below for a full review.

http://sunday.ninemsn.com.au/sunday/film_reviews/article_1247.asp

SEC.STATE Colin Powell
Powell was recently approached by an Iraqi newspaper reporter and accusingly asked, "Isn't it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?” Secretary Powell stopped, turned, and stated "Yes, it's true. But, unfortunately for you all, all 13 percent are United States Marines."
 

Why Men Die Early

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" the woman says, "I'll miss you."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Why Men Die Early

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man
A: A rumour

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb....
 

Why Men Die Early

A MAN and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The MAN wished for a female companion 30 years younger.......
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the front of the Wheat Bix box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Why Men Die Early
 

Little Paddy
Little Paddy came down for breakfast one morning and asked grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

Little Paddy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma .
"Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed."

Again Little Paddy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then Little Paddy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still
up in bed. "

Little Paddy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

Little Paddy replied, "Well last night Dad came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
 

Gidday you GBs.

What's the difference between Charlotte Dawson and a bowling ball?
You can't fit Charlotte Dawson inside a bowling ball!

At a divorce hearing, the wife's lawyer asked the Ponsonby girl whom he was
cross-examining: "So, Lana. On the night of November 23rd last year, at approximately 01:30am, in the place known as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant, my client's husband, have sexual intercourse with you?"
"Yeah, he did," whispered the Ponsonby girl, her head bowed.
"And on that occasion, did the defendant, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?"
"Oh no," she answered. "I think he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Things Never Said By A Redneck (or in my household!):
Duct tape won't fix that.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
You can't feed that to the dog.
No kids in the back of the ute, it's just not safe
Do you think my gut is too big?
Spittin is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at The Warehouse today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "The Dukes of Hazard" that we haven't seen


Have a great week ya'll...

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

Last word from Paddy

Please Note. The contents of the information, some folk may find disturbing it explains a bit about this whole bullshit augment we have been continually feed about the Weapons of mass destruction.


Donald Rumsfeld shaking Sadams hand in Bagdad after
offering to supply weapons for mass destruction in 1983

http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,866942,00.html

Lets get one thing abundantly here for those with selective comprehension of what is written here. I do not support Saddam Hussein or any of his regime, what they have done or what they could do. I HATE THE BASTARD
What I abhor is the coalitions invasion of Iraq without the approval of the UN. This is tantamount to anarchy at the highest level and has left the door wide open to other subversive countries to please themselves what and how they snub their noses at the only body truly aimed at maintaining law and order in the world.
What Bush and the parrots on each of his shoulders have done is exactly what Suddam has done over these many years.
Those that disagree with this are no different to the Redneck George Bush. You’re entitled to that opinion just the same as I’m entitled to mine.


A 1994 congressional inquiry also found that dozens of biological agents, including various strains of anthrax, had been shipped to Iraq by US companies, under licence from the commerce department.
Furthermore, in 1988, the Dow Chemical company sold $1.5m-worth (£930,000) of pesticides to Iraq despite suspicions they would be used for chemical warfare.


As the world revolts to Tony ‘Blah Blah’ Blair, John ‘how ard is this’ Howard and George ‘Am’ Bushs mass murder of hundreds of innocent Iraqi citizens in the hidden name of oil and the next election. It is interesting to note just where Saddam got his weapons of mass destruction. Check out the following site it will shock you.
http://www.prisonplanet.com/archives_arming_iraq.html

If that’s not enough, what about the ghoulish acts of how the USA has already started to feed into its “Jobs for the Boys” rebuilding of Iraq. Check it out.

You can be sure this is only the beginning. In Australia the Unions and even the opposition are in on the debate to make sure Australia gets its fair share of the rebuilding of the illegal invasion of Iraq. Was this part of the reason why this act of terrorism against the people of Iraq was implemented in the first place!!!! Whose going to benefit most from the oil!!!! What part, if any, did the American Jewish community that own the US Reserve bank and most of Wall Street play!!! What is the truth about this all being about the ultimate genocide of the Palestine people and the thorn the pose to Israel!!!!

These are the smoking guns, not the so called “Weapons of Mass Destruction [WOMD]” (That they have yet to find) that was the guise, or the crack in the UN’s armour that that Am Bush, Blah Blah and How ards this used to validate and at the same time disguise the illegal invasion.

There are so many lies and mistruths sold to us everyday about this whole terrorist thing, that could we honestly believe the veracity of their now finding any such WOMD.

 

 

This weeks wacky site is
Lets get that behind for the time being and have a bit of a laugh. Click on each horse to hear the most melodic tune of all time. You can click on each one to start and stop them and vary your tune.

http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 28/04/2003

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