Coming to you from Good Bastards Australian HQ on the Gold Coast, Queensland

Thought for the day: "I am extraordinarily patient - provided I get my own way in the end."

 

The Good Bastards
West Coast Gold Rush Festival
 

Make Your Plans to be there!

The count down is on and we are currently crunching numbers bring it all together. Here are the details.

Good Bastards West Coast Gold Rush Festival
The Good Bastards Village
The Function centre
QE11 Stadium
Travis Road
Christchurch

Good Bastards Birthday Weekend
(Formally Queens Birthday Weekend)
31st May 1st of June 2nd June
Different program each day!

It is aimed at developing into an Icon event that folk will be looking forward too each year. You will want to be at the first one. Get together a group of you and come along for a great program of good old West Coast Events and entertainment.


As Frank Sinatra sang ……

Start spreading the News

Tell every bastard you know within striking distance from Christchurch to get their good arses along there.

A three day event of unprecedented entertainment
Admission $10 three day pass $25.00
Tonnes of Music - Rock n Roll – Irish - Modern - West Coast

• Good Bastards Indoor Iron man/woman Competition
• Good Bastards Nude Race
• Good Bastards Talent quest
• The Beer or the Box (Good Bastards version of its in the bag)
• Good Bastard World Record Attempts
• Wide Range of Good Bastards Tucker
• Good Bastards Award winning Beer
• Win The Good Bastards Gold Rush Nugget
• Plus much much more

Plus:
You can win a year's supply of Beer!

Feast your eyes on the Good Brew by the pallet load.
 

Who is:
The Funniest Bastard In New Zealand?

We are looking for the funniest bastard in New Zealand (Male or Female). All you have to do is Tell a Really Good Yarn and you could win a pallet of Good Bastards Beer. The judges will give you a rating and if your good enough you will get through to the finals. There will be a $10.00 nomination fee, which goes to the Good Bastards Help a Mate chartable trust. A trust being established to help folk who have a specific need that in a medical area that they are not able to fund themselves or gain traditional funding.

We are encouraging company’s and people to sponsor someone who they think is a real wag and can spin a good one. Who do you know that fits this description????

 

Albert's Reality
Obesity is filling up the world. The problem is most folk think a balanced diet is a hamburger in each hand.

The most difficult part of a diet is not watching what you eat, its watching others eat while you want to eat.

The answer as to what to eat for people who want to loose weight is to eat “Less”

The second day of a diet for most people is the easiest. By then they are off it.

Here is the answer:
Thin people don’t eat fast.
Fat people don’t eat, fast.

 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
A psychiatrist in Galway was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their young children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

 

Snobby Old Moles
An Old West Coast woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Auckland City building, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. The little old Italian woman says, "my, what nice aromas"! One turns to the old Italian woman and says ARROGANTLY, "Romance" by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!" The other young and beautiful woman also very ARROGANTLY turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" The old West Coast woman is feeling very insulted from the condescending remarks made to her. About 3 floors later, the old west Coast woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says..."Onions Two bucks a Kilo."
 

The Good Bastards Rugby Club

Last Year's Good Bastards World Cup

The Good Bastards Rugby Club is slowly growing and it is our intention to make it the biggest Rugby Club in the world. A virtual Rugby Club via the net. Have you joined yet? Click here.

The annual event is the Good Bastards Rugby World Cup is on in Christchurch on the 21st 22nd and 23rd of August. Register your team or if you just want to get a game email Neil Blanchfield New Zealand President Of the Good Bastards Rugby Club. neil@greatevents.co.nz 

To keep posted on progress of this event also drop Neil an email and register as wanting to be be kept up to date with what’s happening.
 

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mum! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"

The sum of the parts
After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby."
”What's wrong", the alarmed mother asked?
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my God, that's wonderful!", the mother said, "You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

 

Little Paddy
The Sunday School Teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven, which part of your body goes first"?
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands"
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie"?
Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer" the teacher said.
Little Paddy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs"
The teacher glared at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now Little Paddy why do you think it would be your legs"?
Little Paddy said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying "Oh God, I'm coming". If Daddy hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her.
 

Gidday you GBs.

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say, "Sure."
So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hit man. The friends all laugh.
The guy says, "No really, I am a hit man. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."
So one of the friends decides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"
The hit man replies, "Sure."
So the guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbour! And
he's naked too!"
This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hit man how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The guy responds, "$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbour in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?!?
The hit man replies, "Just hold on..... I'm a about to save you a thousand bucks!"

CNN/Reuters:
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming
evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Thought for the week: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."

Cheers

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

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Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

Last word from Paddy

Well Its official. The news is doctored. Unfortunate Good Bastard Peter Arnett, the kiwi journalist that was sacked last week for being interviewed on Iraqi Television and telling the truth.
Arnett, who as a CNN reporter in 1991 was one of the few Western journalists reporting from Baghdad during the first Gulf War, told state-controlled Iraqi TV that the US military would have to rewrite its war plan following Iraqi resistance.
There he is right in the middle of Bagdad, which is the last place on the planet I would want to be. Trying to tell the world how it is, instead he’s gagged. Who else is gagged? How much of the so called reports are true?
The man, who won a Pulitzer prize for his coverage of the Vietnam War, later told an NBC show he had done nothing more than report "what we know about the war, that there have always been delays in implementing policy, there have been surprises."
Now here is the spin: He was employed by CNN and national geographic. Both companies initially backed him but later reversed their decision prompting Arnett to respond in the London-based tabloid newspaper The Daily Mirror, refusing to apologise for the interview and claiming he simply told the truth of what was happening in Baghdad.

Why did they change their position??? You don’t have to be Einstein to surmise there was a government directive coming down from dictator Bush and his silver-tongued cohort Rumsfeld. I think he would be best described as the parrot sitting on Bushes shoulder.

New Zealand media expert and educator Jim Tucker says Arnett's sacking was bad news for Iraq war coverage. "After all, Arnett was simply displaying the tenacious qualities of the typical Kiwi journo, expressing things as he saw them. What assurances are there now that what we see as news isn't just what is deemed acceptable?"

All this does is conform what most of us already knew. That the media manipulates us. Truth is incidental, propaganda reigns supreme. Feed the chooks Joh Bjelkie Peterson use to call it.

I’m picking the unelected President of the United States will have a lot to answer for when this is all over. And that won’t be when Saddam has been relived from power.

Every day there is bullshit stuff on the television about Iraqis surrendering en mass, one day it even said 20 000, hasn’t been mentioned since. Basically it is a bloody great serial like Flash Gordon.

I feel for the poor buggars that have been forced into this war and their family’s. They must dread it every time there is a knock on the door or the phone rings.

And the people of Iraq, watch SBS TV in Australia, not the other marmalade they put on the commercial networks aimed at selling advertising.

You see the other side of the American Army on SBS also, what the soldiers really think, not the vetted ones that are saying the right things and served up at dinner time on the six o’clock news at $100 000 a minute for the commercials. Can you imagine if the planes were screaming overhead your house right now! With the constant explosions going on near and far. The burning and smoking landscape being around your house. Not knowing if your loved ones on the other side of town are alive or dead, not knowing what is coming next or when or where. That’s what is really happening in Iraq, and it is getting worse.

The Iraqi people have been uprooted from their homes and villages by a few thousand bombs and a few hundred thousand soldiers playing a game as the pawns of two bloodthirsty zealots. Anyone who thinks this is about getting Saddam just has not dug into the story other than what we are feed en-masse.

They see America as the terrorists, invading their country, destroying their homes and infrastructure, creating famine and fear. America would have us believe they are the good guys liberating a country. Lets just say the jury is out on that one. Lets not take the contrite claptrap filling lounge rooms around the world as gospel until we have both sides of the story. Sadly the death count is rising every day. Be thankful it is not one of your loved ones that have met their fate in this immoral way. Sure the powers that be argue honour, to me that is a little too convenient an explanation that didn’t necessarily embrace the views of those who are dieing or their immediate families.

If and when they get Saddam, they haven’t got Bin Laden after rearranging the landscape of Afghanistan. It was only a short time ago that Bush was going to liberate the world from him, is the Saddam hunt going to go the same way? What then! The disenchanted Muslims, especially the radical factions, will they all go home to bed and say, what a wonderful world we live in?

Oh well I suppose the people in the bomb factories are getting plenty of overtime.
 

This weeks wacky site is
Pat Condon will take the rest of the week off when he sees what we have here. He will be roaring “MAN, LOOK AT THIS” at the top of his voice.  See it.
 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 14/04/2003

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