Coming to you from Mission Control on the Gold Coast.

Thought for the day: Want a little peace and quiet around your house???
Buy a phoneless cord.

Back up thought: A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well

Back up to the Back up: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
 

Long Awaited Book Under Way
Stuff you never learnt at School
A seasoned guide to getting your proverbial together

A heap of Good Bastards have been on my case since the first book (The Larrikins Guide To Success) was published as to when the follow on would be out.

Well, the good news for those poor bastards is I’ve started writing it and it will launched the night before Good Bastards Day this year. That’s the 4th of November. So far I have knocked over 36 pages of about 250 so there is a way to go.

Holy shit Good Bastards day is on the 5th of November Guy Fawkes Day this year. My old mate Zeke Saddler tells me that Guy Fawkes was a terrorist and asks why are we celebrating his act of terrorism.

I guess you would have to understand the tyranny of England and how they made being a Catholic a crime to understand what was motivating the event. I think if the same impositions were imposed today, an even bigger reprisal would take place. Not that I’m sticking up for the Catholics here.

The new Book, “Stuff you never learnt at School” is the continuance of my younger days. This books kicks off with my marriage to Pam, which did not get away to a good start. It moves into our first business venture that was an absolute failure.

Its written in the same style as “Larrikins Guide to Success” Only it reveals the ordeal of sailing against the tide and the wind, a proposition that most of us have encountered.

Integrated into the story are the lessons that made a difference along the way. The story itself is a bloody great laugh although it will reveal some extremely steep hills that were undertaken. If you enjoyed the first one, I think you will also enjoy this one.
 

Hooter
Hooter: I think that the cute little pharmacist down at the chemist shop is stuck up.
Paddy: Why do you say that?
Hooter: Well, I ask her out every month when I go in to get my herpes and haemorrhoid medicines, but she just looks at me like I'm a leper or something.
 

What's Relative?
Many folk rely on luck to there way to fame and fortune. What they
Seldom find out is that fortunes expensive smile has to be earned.
They forget that Luck is against those who rely on it.

Gambling is a great way of getting something for nothing. The only
good day at the races is the day you don’t go.

The only horse I backed was so slow the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

It takes skill to guide Lady Luck, so is it really luck or the skill?

Many say the harder you work the luckier you get, I say the more you
think and work with the law of cause and effect the luckier I get.

Does a rabbit think his foot is lucky!!

There are two points here. Rely on the law of cause and effect not luck and if you do a\want to make money out of luck, own the casino.
 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
Young Mick is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," Mick says as he mumbles from behind the mask, "Arrreee muy testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurrrse, Arrr my testicles black ,oi need to know forr surrre?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so
marched over to inquire what was wrong.

Sister," he mumbled through his coudly mask, "Arrre muuy testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced,
"Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and screamed,
"Are my bloody test results back ya silly feckin bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!???"
 

The Quiet Bastard
He caught himself Cheating at patience and never spoke to himself again.
 

The Good Bastards Rugby Club

The Mighty Merivale Maulers
Current Holders of the Good Bastards Rugby World Cup

The Good Bastards Rugby Club is slowly growing and it is our intention to make it the biggest Rugby Club in the world. A virtual Rugby Club via the net. Have you joined yet? Click here.

The annual event is the Good Bastards Rugby World Cup is on in Christchurch on the 21st 22nd and 23rd of August. Register your team or if you just want to get a game email Neil Blanchfield New Zealand President Of the Good Bastards Rugby Club. neil@greatevents.co.nz 

To keep posted on progress of this event also drop Neil an email and register as wanting to be be kept up to date with what’s happening.
 

The Whys of Men..
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

This is what we're up against guys
A woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewellery store window. She goes in and asks the shop assistant if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.

 

Lessons in Relationships

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Breakfast
The university cutie returned to the sorority house after her first breakfast date at a neighbouring fraternity with her steady boyfriend. Asked what she had, she replied dreamily, "Him and eggs."

Not a Blonde Joke
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax.
Let's have a cup of coffee, then." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
 

Doctor Doctor I’m in trouble
The pretty young yuppie nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?" Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

Compassionate Bastard
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death, can we take it with us and get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., get in the car with it".

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs, it's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."
 

Good Bastards New Beer Labels

With the Good Bastards Beer we be needing to put warnings on our beer labels account of a lot of stuff that has been happening. Here is a sneak preview of what’s coming up.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and knickers.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are Whispering
when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you ! to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you!

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Other Beer Stuff
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory states that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 jugs of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong.

Also
Do not make eye contact with the barperson if you do not want a drink.
 

Little Paddy
Little Paddy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Little Paddy.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?
“That’s what I said,” replied Little Paddy
 

Gidday yous Good Bastardos!

Did you here about the little girl chasing a boy around the church?
Yeah well, she finally caught him by the organ!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they didn't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back to the doctor.
"Doctor," she says "I don't know what the hell you gave me. But now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good!" the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the toilet, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was among them.
The police had all the prostitutes lined up when the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "What are you lining up for?"
Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.
Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes.
When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

This Jelly Baby had developed a nasty rash down below so he thought he would go and see a doctor to get an expert opinion.
The jelly doctor examined him and then looked at the Jelly Baby and said "I'm not sure what's wrong Jelly Baby we'll have to take a Jelly sample, and you'll have to come back in two days".
So he goes back a couple of days later for the test result and the doctor says "We've got the result and it's as I suspected Jelly Baby, you've picked up a sexually transmitted disease"
The Jelly Baby looked at the doc and said "Well, is that it?".
"You don't sound very surprised Jelly baby" said the doc.
The Jelly baby replied "I'm not, I've been sleeping with fuckin allsorts!"

Have a good week.
 

Nick
nick@therock.net.nz

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

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Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

A BLANKET APOLOGY TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FROM CANADA

Courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes CBC Television:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but we feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side.

I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you.

 

 

Is this the right one
The old man had passed on. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country priest talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your father."

 

Last word from Paddy
Stuff the war. It depresses me to see the wanton murders continuing. I share entirely the bloke with the beard that spelt the Bush position out so succinctly during the Oscars. Good onya you Good Bastard. Now go and make a doco to back up your words.

All the robberies rapes and murders it seems have come to a standstill here in Australia since the war has started. Well that’s some consolation if only it were true.

It simply highlights how we are manipulated by the media to watch what ever brings in the advertising dollars.

On too more positive things, wasn’t Nicole fantastic when she got the gong at the Oscars! It was a really poignant moment.

Its great we are getting good rains here in South East Queensland. The drought for us at least has been broken. Seems to have been transferred to the West Coast, hasn’t rained there for twenty something days, out west from here, hasn’t rained for twenty something years.

They tell me Joe Millionaire got the right Shelia on television.

The super twelves is presenting enough upsets to make it really interesting.

Pat Condon makes good whitebait patties.

I thought the Highlanders, Waratahs and Cats would win on the weekend and so my picks were shot to hell. The bloody Reds, Maybe they have finally got their shit together. South African bastards are still a worry.

All things Good Bastard are alive and well.

 

This weeks wacky site is
Pat Condon took four days off work last week just to stay home and play this game. Its probably a bit complex for some and I recommend Bloody Leo doesn’t look or the Milk Powder from Westland Dairy will be pig tucker this week.

http://www.rock103.com/crew/showprep/media/SMTSFLSH2.swf

 
 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 07/04/2003

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