Coming to you from Good Bastards HQ, on the back veranda overlooking a bright green pool. One of the true joys in going away.

Thought for the day: "If we were cannibals, politicians would promise us all missionaries for dinner every night."

The Good Bastards
Rugby Club
 

The Good Bastards Rugby Club is booming, we are enrolling people from all around the world at the rate of around 40 per month and growing. It is our intention to grow it into being the biggest Rugby Club in the world.

Join now by clicking here.

The Good Bastards Bar and Grill will be the head quarters in the various states and provinces as they are set up.

Our prime grade will be Good Bastards Rugby, which will be over 35. Other grades are likely to follow as we build our bases.

We have teams contacting us on a regular basis about playing within our fray.
Our main annual tournament is THE GOOD BASTARDS WORLD CUP. It will be played at Numweek Park in Christchurch and be hosted by the Merivale Maulers Club.

August the 22nd, 23rd and 24th are the dates this year.

More details on the program will be released on this site and direct to those who have registered their expression of interest will be email the information. Those wishing to receive info, please email your interest to Neil Blanchfield neil@greatevents.co.nz 

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup Director is Neil Blanchfield

At the GOOD BASTARDS RUGBY WORLD CUP we will be holding a meeting and calling for Nominations for the Good Bastards Rugby Executive. Those interested in early nominations please email paddy@goodbastards.com 

This executive will be the driving body of the organisation and establish the formulas as to

What’s the difference with Good Bastards Rugby:

• No requirement to stay at particular venues or use set travel companies

• Good Bastards Rugby will assist clubs in rasing money to enable their attending Good Bastards Rugby Tournaments.

• Good Bastards Ruby will establish, where support is evident, rugby competitions for teams to participate in. Including national and international competitions and tournaments.

• Recognition of players, teams and individuals who are dedicated to the Good Bastards Rugby cause.

• A greater emphasis on camaraderie and fun

• The beneficiary of the Club will be The Good Bastards Help a Mate Trust. A charitable trust being established to benefit from a wide range of Good Bastards activities.

• The Good Bastards Help a Mate Trust will then assist individuals in need experiencing hardship with medical needs.

• Good Bastards Rugby will be a club for Good bastards and run by Good Bastards with the beneficiary’s being Good Bastards in need.

Join the Good Bastards Rugby Club

 

Stop Press!!!
This weekend, all things being equal you will see a bit of stuff and a few Good Bastards talking about the Good Bastards Rugby World Cup on TV3 in New Zealand. You should see Neil Blanchfield, Paddy and some real good bastards from the Merivale Maulers, current holders of the Good Bastards World Cup.

Among these Good Bastards are Blouse, Donger and Arsehole.

What's Relative?
I think that what is relative in this Good Bastards Rugby Club is a simple thing called friendship.

The main enemy of friendship is snobbery and its difficult for them to accept that hey have a disease of the mind.

Real friends say nice things about you behind your back, they walk in when others walk out.

Good Bastards Rugby is a catalyst for friendship. It is a vehicle to bring folk together so they build elements of fun into their lives.

That fun then has the opportunity to transpose itself into worthwhile matesmanship and what is relative about that is, without it you don’t really have a life. Go Good Bastards Rugby.
 

Here is a Good Bitches One from Trisha Heveldt
This man was driving down a country road one day and he came upon this sign on the side of the road “convent / brothel 20 ks” he thought to himself this can’t be right but he thought he would keep driving anyway. A bit further along he came to another sign on the side of the road, “convent/brothel 10ks” again he thought to himself this can’t be right but he kept driving anyway. Further along the road he came to yet another sign, “convent/brothel 5 ks”. By this stage his curiosity was getting the better of him so he thought what the heck I’ll see what this is all about. He drove along for another 5 kilometres and lo and behold he came to a rather large convent building. He parked his car and thought to himself well I might as well go in and see what this is all about. He knocked on the door and a nun in all her holy gear answered the door and said “hello my son what can I do for you?” he said “ I would like to see a prostitute” the nun said “fine just follow me,” she took him by the hand and led him along this rather long corridor. Next thing they came to this door. The nun opened the door and led him into this small room. She said to him “wait here”. She then left him in the room alone and shut the door as she was leaving. He sat there on his own for quite some time and thought to himself “what the hell is going on”. Eventually another door opened and another nun walked in. She took him by the hand and said “come with me” he thought to himself, “this is starting to look like I’ll get some action”. The nun didn’t speak but she led him along another very long corridor. They came to a big door. She opened the door and led him outside. She led him over to his car, then opened the car door and shoved him inside the car. She slammed the car door shut and then she went back inside the convent without saying anything to the man. By this stage he was very confused and thought, “what the hell is going on”. It was then that he spotted a note on the dashboard of his car. He opened the note and this is what it said. “Congratulations, you have just been screwed by the sisters of mercy. Thank you so much for your $50.00 donation”
 

The Big Trip

Roo, Nick, Al, Hutch, Paddy, Ball Bag, Coxy. Missing Pete Jones, well some bastard had to take the the bloody photo.

What a bloody ripper. Nearly a month and a million memories. I’m not going to piss you off with all the details or the slide show.

From time to time you might cop a photo or two as I get around to getting them organised.

However here is a story that might raise a smile.

On the way back from the fishing leg we stopped over at the Lake Hawea Pub. Seven of us.

Peter Jones, Gary Hutchison, Alan Kerr, Roo Curtain, Graeme Cox, Nick Christie and Himself who won the last race at the Hoki Races.

We go into the bar and Hutch orders the drinks. Now Graeme Cox was still in the dunny. So Hutch says, quite innocently …… now wait for it …….

There are six of us here with out Cox.

Poor girl didn’t know whether to feel embarrassed or feel sorry for us.

Above left: Hutch (with the hat) and Coxy surveying the mornings catch.

ETHICAL QUESTION:
In light of the news of the so-called human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question -

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

(a) murder (b) suicide, or (c) merely making an obscene clone fall.
 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives - Celebrating St. Patrick's Day 2003
Paddy from Klonikility was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked a bewildered Paddy.

"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"

Paddy said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Paddy, I want a nephew. Paddy, for crying out loud make me an uncle."

Paddy couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honour."

"Well congratulations, you're holding him."

The Fur Coat
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a cheque!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.
"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the cheque has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged:

"How dare you show your face in here!
There wasn't a single penny in your chequeing account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
 

France V America
Since the French told the Yanks to go and get nicked the other day, the Frenchy bashing has been rife. It appears the Yanks got really pissed (Their Lingo) about that.

"My favourite bumper sticker in Washington, DC right now is the one that says 'First Iraq, then France'."
Tom Brokaw

"The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well, Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France."
Jay Leno

"France said this week they need more evidence to convince them Saddam is a threat. Yeah, last time France asked for more evidence it came rolling thru Paris with a German Flag on it."
Dave Letterman

Why are all the highways in France lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade!!! =

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Unknown

"France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France."
Mark Twain

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada."
Ted Nugent

The only way the French are going in with us is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II

Q. How do you stop a French Tank?
A. Shoot the guy pushing.

Q. How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?
A. We don't know; it's never been tried.

The best French bashing line heard over the last week is: "We can count on the French to be there when they need us."

 

Bloody Bob And Mary
Bloody Bob gets a new job at the sawmill and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says, "I can not come in today. I'm sick."

The same thing happens next week and the week after.

The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the bastard, because he's really good at what he does. He calls him in his office and says to him, "Listen, Bloody Bob, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?"

"No," replies Bloody Bob, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister, Bloody Mary is married to this bastard, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start shagging."

"You shag your sister?"

The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

 

Good Bastards Tipping Comp
Caldy and Denvir via for top spot

Seeing I’m sitting in equal 4th place I thought I had better make a mention before I go to the top of the tree with my absolute breathtaking picking skills.

Caldy and Denvir are equal on the top and carrying oout a torrid duel with 51 points. and my old mate from the Quinns club in Melbourne is hanging in tough with 47 points.

Then the field starts to bunch up with 3 of us grouped in equal fourth spot on 45 points.
Sumorebeer and Boa are my main worries here, nothing a little hand grenade won't fix.

Still its the upsets that will spread the field and I reckon these South African Bastards are going to shag everything up by winning a few games.

Then the field starts to really bunch up with nine in seventh place and still only nine points off the lead.

Groomlad, well he will be easy to knock off, as too Nick from the Rock who officially told me that he always comes last in these things.

Steve Flynn from the Irish Archives is in the bunch as to Scrot69 (the mind boggles)

And the web master is struggling like a fish going down a bath plug account of his passion for some mob called the brumbies.

The rest. Well get your fingers out of your arses and get a 100% pick and pick up ten points.

Even Waiho (where the fecks Waiho) and Daz74 (I had a 74 Valiant once) could figure if they remembered to put their picks on and not rely on the average award to get points.

With one Good Bitch in the Top Five and one more not far behind don’t get complacent guys.

You can still join as a late starter, who know with the ten points for an all correct weekly pick you could zoom through the field.
 

Heres what you need to do …………….

1. Go to http://www.OzTips.com 

2. From the home page, select "I'm new and I want to tip", and set-up a user account (if you don't already have one on OzTips.com).

3. Select "I want to join a Tipping Comp" on the home page, or the "Tipping" tab.

4. Enter the Comp Number and Password details below.

5. That's it. Full instructions on how to tip can be found on the site by clicking on the "Help" tab.

Comp Number: 20719
Comp Name: Good Bastards
Password to join: paddy
 

Little Paddy
One day the teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
Little Paddy raised his hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
 

Gidday GBs.

A Russian comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman.
She does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too."
She does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "But they are not for fucking sale!"


YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT KIDS WHEN...
Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc. and you think it's funny.
"You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU! "
Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing nappies, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing footy, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, colouring, crafts, skipping, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the toilet, and yet...you still managed to gain 5 kilos.
In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making ricebubble cakes.

I thought it was kinda cute. Look Paddy, fuck all swearing this week!!!

Nick

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Check out their web site
 
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The Other World Cup

Well the boffins at the top of the tree in the other World Cup Rugby haven’t thought it through when it comes to their point scoring system. Rick Boyd has summed it up in an email that has just turned up.

A Super 12 bonus points system has been approved for use at the 2003 World Cup, according to the UK Telegraph's Mick Cleary.

"A bonus points system is to be used for the first time in October's Rugby World Cup to determine the qualifiers for the knockout stages."

"There are four pools of five teams. In an attempt supposedly to enliven the qualifying process, a bonus point is to be awarded to sides who score four tries or more in a pool game. A bonus point is also to go to a losing side who finish within seven points. The system mirrors the ones used in the southern hemisphere for the Super 12 and Tri Nations, as well as in the Zurich Premiership."

What will this mean? Good news for the teams who can score the tries, I imagine. Bad news for everyone else.

Take pool A. If Australia can rack up four-try, five point wins over Namibia, Romania and Argentina it can go into the Ireland game on 20 points, while if Ireland can only manage four pointers over those teams, it will go into the game with 16 points. Ireland could then beat Australia by more than 7 points but less than four tries, and finish second in pool A on count back, despite not losing a game.

Is this a good thing? I can't see how it is. The world cup is essentially a knock out competition. It's not a twenty-team round robin comp followed by finals. Who cares if Australia can score more tries than Ireland? The world cup should be about who wins, not who looks flash.

Take Pool C. Say a fast-running young South African team scores bags of tries over Samoa, Georgia and Uruguay, while England plods along on penalty kicks. South Africa could lose to England by more than 7 points but less than four tries, but still win the Pool on count back and condemn England to face the All Blacks in the quarter final, despite England being unbeaten in Pool C.

Silly, very silly. It means all the competing nations will have to play their first string line-ups all the time, with the big nations trying to horribly thrash the smaller nations by as large a score as possible. Not much of an experience for the smaller nations or for the second string players, OR for the first string players who get needlessly injured, leaving the finals to be contested by a collection of second string sides.

Rick Boyd

 

 

Last word from Paddy
Well those Swiss pocket-knife promoters knobbled the Americas Cup. Yes I know ya bloody know, Bloody Leo.

The Kiwi team fought a gallant effort. Bullshit, our boys on the water did. The chooks back in the fowl run fought anything but a gallant effort.

Don’t blame Coutts and Butterworth, they are professional sportsmen and did what any sensible capitalist would have done. Ten Mill is not ten bob Leo.

What has not received the mentions it should have was that the Kiwi Skipper had already beaten Coutts on a one on one basis last year. So he had the talent and the ability.

The media had to sell advertising and the best sales aid known is emotive issues generated by the reporting team. Its all about selling advertising and the thing about the Coutts and Butterworth defection sure resulted in the ratings that attract top dollar.

Who was the boss, Slackenknacker is he the one? Some name like that I’m told. He is where the buck stops? Sounds like something left over from the Second World War.

Many allege he was the problem, but there are so many first five eights kicking for touch that they have run out of balls. My mail is that Slackenknacker is the one that stuffed up. The bleats about not enough money were all bullshit. There was money available for the asking. If that were the problem, which it wasn’t, a whip around from the Kiwi public would have pulled in millions.

They didn’t want to see their investment go down the toilet. Unfortunately the race was not won but the kiwi Spirit is alive and well and ready for the next round in 2007 at some lake in Switzerland.

The boat was ill prepared, the guys were lacking dynamic motivation when they were getting their arses kicked and the leadership at the top of the tree was abysmal at best.

Still that could have been the case on the other side and we would have gleefully retained ownership of the “auld mug” and said beady, thank you very much.

Its gone for the time being and the lessons must be taken as we go on to prepare for its recovery in a few short years.

The recriminations have been dealt with and a new game begins. There is no room for the baggage of past regrets or those that caused them.

It is time to set the firm irrevocable goal of getting the bastard back. It is going to be interesting as to the comments that eminate from the powers that be.

It is those comments that lay the foundation right now. Lets see if these first five eights can get their balls back.

A few smart arse comments from the Aussies, well at least the frigging thing didn’t sink like the Australian boat a few years ago.

 

This weeks wacky site is
Bend over Bin Laden. This week we have a tricky little game for you to play. You wanna bomb the shitter out of Bloody Bin, well here is where you can begin.
http://www.rock103.com/bin.html

 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 25/03/2003

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