Coming to you from DUSKY SOUND

Thought for the day: "We are not worrying about thinking at the moment."

The Big Trip is STILL on!
 

Have just been to the HokitikaWild food Festival, cant remember the web site. Just put in the words Hokitika Wild food Festival and you will find out all you need to know.


 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
On a business trip to the Orient,  Mick from Kerry decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Dr. Murphy, who, after hearing of his  Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Mick was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.

Mick contacted Dr.Casey and showed him the green growth. Dr. Casey said "I am sorry but Dr. Murphy is correct. We must amputate right away."

Mick just could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time. He went to Dr. Chu Wong.

Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said

"These Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not necesally."

Mick was so fecking relieved!!!!!!!!.then--------

Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own." !!!!

Peter Campion Goes Shopping
Pete walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags


 

In the words of Pete Campion
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10k over). I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

The cop pulled me over, walked over to my car and asked me, "what’s the hurry?'
I replied, "I'm late for work".

"oh yeah", said the cop, "what do you do"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher".

The cop wanted to know what that was and what did the job entail. I said, "well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers and so on until I can get both hands in there and then stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide".

The cop asked me, "what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?'. I simply replied, "you give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge.."
The ticket - $95 dollars

The look on his face, PRICELESS

When Peter was down at Haast last,walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar in the Haast pub. It's filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?"
The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money." "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first.
Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.
The bartender says, "OK, here's what you have to do....
First, you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
The man responds, "Well I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot,I can't do all that... it's impossible!"
"Well, you asked, and I told you...those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar."
Well, time goes on and the man has several drinks, then asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Then he says, "Right, the dog's next?" He staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on.
They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Nice Song

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

“I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone.”
 

Take this cake personality test,

If you were buying a cake and you had your choice of the following which would you choose?

Angel food
Brownies
Lemon Meringue
Vanilla with Choc. Icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate on Chocolate
Ice Cream
Carrot Cake

OK - Now that you've made your choice,
this is what research says about You!
NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll down! So think carefully,

Angel food ... Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

Brownies... You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre.

Lemon Meringue... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

Vanilla with Choc. Icing ... Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in shaking hands,
however, you are a friend for life

Strawberry Short Cake... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt.

Chocolate on Chocolate ... Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really likes to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.

Ice Cream... You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.

Carrot Cake... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person.


 

Gidday you GBs.

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

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Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

Good Bastard Peter O’Connor has dug up some bizarre goings on in the world.
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young
virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)


In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm.... I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls
over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

 

Last word from... Cameron???
That head honcho Good Bastard is still gallivanting around NZ like he owns the place... but the news keeps on coming.

Where are the bloody pictures? Paddy usually has a good supply and I get most of those, but if any of you Good Bastards have any more out there that you'd like to share with the great Good Bastard population - then by all means drop them in an email to submissions@goodbastards.com so that we may bring more humour to the politically incorrect!

Have a good week Good Bastards.

 

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

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Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

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Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 17/03/2003

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