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Dedicated to fixing up political correctness. |
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Thought for the day: "We are not worrying about thinking at the moment."
www.ballbag.co.nz
Well as you read, seven other bastards and I are off on the MV Takapu. Rather
than me tell you wahats going on, just click on www.ballbag.co.nz and figure it
out for yourself!
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A mild-mannered man called Bloody Leo was tired of
constantly being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
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Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
The Pope was finishing his sermon in the green side of Belfast on his
big trip around the traps. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" -
Blessed be Mankind.
Bernadette Devlins daughter approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that
the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et
Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights bloke named Patricice approached the Pope. And said
that he had noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he
could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et
Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."
One From Birchy
A confident James Bond walks into an American bar and takes a seat
next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually
looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks: "Is your date
running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch... I was just
testing it".
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it??"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties"...
The woman giggles and replies: "It must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
“Opps,” he said, “It’s five minutes fast.”
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IT’S FREE Here's where you join... The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards Receive the Good Bastards News emailed to you each week The club you are having when you are not having a club. No formal meetings No formal Rules No Fuss No Bother Plenty of benefits and its free
Our membership is growing; Have You Joined Yet is our current theme. Its free, there are many benefits now and in the future. Not too far down the track we will be posting a much shorter headline version of The Good Bastards News and then mailing the full version to members only. We don’t give your email address or other information to anyone else. Click here to find out more, or fill out the form below to join now! Membership to the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is restricted to those 18 years of age and older.
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Hope this makes you smile......
EVER WONDER where we are headed...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is
made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
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Good Bastards Beer I can’t put it any plainer than this: If you
are a Good Bastard, and ya don’t want to die from a million illnesses’ you can
get from chemically brewed beers, then drink Good Bastards Beer. Not only that
it tastes good and you don’t get crook from it. So getitindia. |
Now is the time to start getting those
gifts for your customers and clients.
Why do you do this?
To tell them they are Good Bastards
What better way than giving them a six pack of Good Bastards Beer or a Good
Bastards Book or both.
What's the best form of birth-control, after the age of 50?
Nudity
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
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Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest
boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
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How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
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How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friend s."
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Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Father's day, what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
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What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
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What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
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Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
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What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
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Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
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Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fri days?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with
a recipe.
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What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
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What's the difference between an English fairytale and an Aussie fairytale?
A English fairytale begins "Once upon a time." An Aussie fairytale begins "Y'all
ain't gonna believe this shit."
Gidday you Good
Bastards...
By the time you all read this Dean Barker and Team NZ will have made the
greatest comeback in maritime history and will have retained the America's
Cup... or there's been either too much or sweet FA wind and those Swiss pricks
are still 3 up.
A guy's walking down a beach front and he runs into a hooker. He says, "How
much?" She says "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right." They climb down under the
boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they
go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two
incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars.
She says, "What's the extra five?" He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my
balls.
Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Diana arrive at the Pearly gates of
heaven, when St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each
have to put forward their case for entry. Freddie says "I know I haven't led a
perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of
the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and
serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to
be". "Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?".
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely
redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the
choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that
will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?" Diana doesn't say a word, instead
she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of
Evian water into her fanny lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out
all over the floor. "Excellent, you're in" says St Peter. "Hold on a fucking
minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything". "Bollocks! Freddie you know
the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens".
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously
unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled,
"Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
The man [in the front row] turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few
minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing
a skimpy bikini top. The guy behind him goes off again shouting. "Yeah baby!
Shake those things."
So the man turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress,
revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh
baby! You're almost there!"
The man again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!" A
few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off all
her clothes, and the whole club went wild, except for the guy behind our friend.
So curious, the man turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm
now?" The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude".
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few
minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at
him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your
feet, then."
Sorry for that last one...
Cheers
Nick
HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...
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| Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM | Rotorua 92.7 FM | Taupo 94.3 FM |
| Taranaki 95.6 FM | Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM | Manawatu 95.4 FM |
| Kapati 91.9 FM | Wellingtom 96.3 FM | Nelson 94.6 FM |
| Canterbury 93.7 FM | Otago 93.4 FM | Southland 90.8 FM |
Check out their web site
Last word from...
Cameron???
Paddy's away... so of course I'm being a slack bastard. No excuses
for the lateness of the site you good bastards... It's all here for your
enjoyment.
Being an Aussie, I feel I have to mention the America's cup... bit of a whitewash in the end, but I have to give you kiwi's some credit - made it that far only to run out of any sort of luck whatsoever. So... when is the crucifiction of the kiwi skipper of the swiss boat?
Check out the counter down the bottom ladies and gents... it took us a whole year to hit 20,000 hits, and we're well on the way to smashing our one year record already. Go you good thing!
War with Iraq edges closer and closer... wonder if the bastards who run the governments of the world can sort this out before more people die? Only time will tell.
Until next week!
This weeks wacky site is
This is Pat Condon’s favourite site, he spends two or three hours on
it every night. Remember to move your mouse around and you will see what
fascinates Pat so much
http://www.bibelo.hpg.ig.com.br/images/Games/Games01/garotas_gas.swf
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Many Thanks
Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of
interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times,
some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We
receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of
what we think is good material.
Many Thanks! |
The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club
The Good Bastards Hall of Fame: Check out some real Great Good Bastards
Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations: Nominate who you think should be
The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags
The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget
Good Bastards Stories: Read stories written by other Good Bastards
The Good Bastards Competitions: You could win stuff, give it a go.
Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter
 Last Update: 17/03/2003 |
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