Coming to you from downtown Auckland, NZ

Thought for the day: "If you are not getting from life what you want, its time you asked yourself WHY NOT"

Team New Zealand
to win the
America's Cup

Saturday night Downtown Auckland and the place is humming in anticipation. The contest is on, best of nine and the Swiss bastards have nailed the first three.

A few negative bastard supporters have thrown in the towel already and believe the cup is already on its way back to Switzerland.

Weak wankers, would you ever want such negative bastards on your team in any facit of life. Win or loose its not over until one of the teams has won five races.

Rather than go on about the hype and the tremendous fun of the event, I’d rather send a scud missile up the arses of those negative bastards that are doing the knocking.

They must surely have pretty negative “going nowhere” lives in any event.

Listen you bastards, its not about being a smart arse and predicting the winner. Its about supporting the Kiwi team.

This team was funded by the people of New Zealand who raised 70 million dollars to compete against some of the richest men in the world.

This Swiss bastard has thrown in over a hundred and twenty million dollars and covered every base with the best that money can buy.

This challenge series is about the ordinary folk of New Zealand and their undeniable spirit against the multi Billionaire. I don’t even know who the frig he is. Right now he’s the one funding the team that TEAM NZ will knock off. Team NZ will kinock the face off his Swiss Clock, or is it the other way around!

If you are one of the negative bastards that knocking this almighty spirit, wake up to yourself and show a bit of backbone.

For crying out loud, remember back to when John Bertram, in 1983 when Australia won it from the yanks who had retained it for 123 years, the yanks had won four straight and Bertram was yet to get on the board.

The critics wrote him and his team off. Had him dead buried and started filling in the grave.

Then those guys said, “Hey ya negative bastards, we are not beat yet.” And they came back out of the grave, gravel and shit all over them, to win five straight and take home the Americas Cup.

Up until that time I would sooner watch the grass grow than watch a yacht race, but there I was yelling with the rest of the positive bastards “Tact ya bastards, run the mothers over” or anything else to send what positive spirit I could their way.

They came through, just as I expect team New Zealand to come through, and so should you.



 

Right bloke at the right time
Paddy McGinty and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.

They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Paddy McGinty decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, thereis a rifle with a huge scope attached. Paddy McGinty gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Paddy McGinty looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife...and she's naked! Oh wait, there's my next door neighbour! And he's naked too!'

This really upsets Paddy McGinty so he asks how much it would be for hit.

The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'

Paddy McGinty responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my
wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it.

Second, I want you to shoot my neighbour in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.' The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Paddy McGinty starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for?

The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
An Irish wife from County Cork came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman from the north. Being a woman of good breading and immense talents and with super-human strength borne of fury and a thousand years of inbreeding, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and whacked his old boy straight into the vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Picked up the welder and welded the vice shut with the cock that had shagged the heathen ugly depraved mole of thing Northern Ireland woman firmly wedged into the device.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The shagger of the Northern Ireland heathen Ugly Depraved Mole of a Thing that probably had a thousand diseases Woman was terrified beyond all possible belief, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope.” As she sprinkled twenty litres of petrol around the shed and took out her cigarette lighter. And then continued “You do whatever you have to".
FEEEEEECKKKKKKKK !!!
 

Yanks
(Bloody Leo, you’ll need a map and an Atlas here to keep up.)

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Texas Style".

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas.


Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Bush Sucks Dicks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one that makes it back to Dallas alive wins.
 

BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMEN

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, i ain't going.
4. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
5. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
6. Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.
7. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen
8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
9. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
10. I'm out of oestrogen - and i have a gun.
11. Guys have feelings too. But like... Who cares?
12. Next mood swing: 6 minutes
13. And your point is?
14. Warning: i have an attitude and i know how to use it.
15. Of course i don't look busy...i did it right the first time.
16. Do not start with me. You will not win.
17. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
18. All stressed out and no one to choke.
19. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
20. How can i miss you if you won't go away?
 

Which to Buy?... Titanic or the Clinton video?
A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories...

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Paddy McGinty and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe

TITANIC VIDEO: Paddy McGinty is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Paddy McGinty enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Paddy McGinty teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Paddy McGinty for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Paddy McGinty surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.

I reckon you’ll like this joke
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven because heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "Twenty-four years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asks.
The guy says, "Yeah, seven times, but you said I was forgiven."
Peter says, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy says, "I was married for forty-one years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."
Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for sixty-three years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you Jaguar!"
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they go see what was the matter. When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what is wrong, he says, "I’ve just seen my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

Mad Scot's Joke
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.

He greets the first patient and the patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."

Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds: "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."
Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?"

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious --- BURNS ---unit".!!! FOK !!!

Twelve Priests
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.

Then, all the other bells started to ring..........

The Good Bastards Muster
The photos from the Good Bastards Muster will be up in a special section, once I return from the Big Trip. There are some great photos, if you have a four wheel bike you will want to be part of the next one.
 

The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and very determined to keep the ranch. But, she knew very little about ranching. So, she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was a gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about her decision. When no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day, and seemed to know a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed, and went into town that Saturday night. However, 1 o'clock came and he hadn't returned. Then, 2 oclock and no hired hand. Finally, he returned around 2:30 a.m., and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, very slowly.
"Now take off my socks", and, again, he complied.
"Now, take off my skirt." With perspiration showing, he did as instructed.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.
"Now, she said, "take off my panties." Slowly, he pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever, ever, wear my clothes to town again."
 

Gidday you Good Bastards...

Two prostitutes were talking. The first one said, "Last night I made $500
and I feel like a bottle of champagne."
"Well, last night I made $5000," said the second, "and I feel like a pot of glue!"

My mate Deano took us to a sort of Gentleman's Club for lunch. They had nude dancers and everything. Deano wanted to impress everyone, so he pulls a twenty dollar note out of his wallet and waves it at one of the dancers. She gyrates over to him and wiggles her bum in his face and Deano licks the twenty and sticks it to her thigh. Deanos mate Jimmy wanted to get in the act too, so next thing he gets his wad out, peels off a twenty and waves it at the dancer. She bends over right infront of him and he licks the note and sticks it to her other thigh. Well, everyone is looking at me, and here's this dancing girl with all her wares on display, bent at the waist just in front of my face. I fixed them... I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her arse, grabbed the 40 bucks, and went home.

There were two men with their council vests on. One would dig a hole, dig, dig, dig, the other man would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men were doing this up the road. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again. I couldn't believe what they were doing so I yelled out to them, "What are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger said, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

Short and sweet this week. Had to judge, wine and dine the entrants for the NZ Face of Foster's yesterday and I'm tired as fark...



Nick
 

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Check out their web site
 
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This weeks wacky site is
A week or so ago it was Valentines Day. I rang up that Good Bastard Pat Condon at 8 o’clock NZ time, in the evening, and the useless bastard was in bed.

By himself.

Snoring and farting.

Well for Linda here is a belated card for you.

Everyone, and than means you too Patrick F, hiding behind the post because he did stuff all on the day for Linda.

Click on the site and type in PAT CONDON where it says name.

http://www.c-a-p-s.co.uk/images/dancer.swf

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 03/03/2003

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