Coming to you from wet and windy Queensland... beautiful...

Thought for the day: "Don’t throw the old bucket out until you know if the new one leaks."

Paddy's BIG Trip

Auckland >> Whangarei >> Mangawhai >> Taupo >> Wellington >> Christchurch >> Hokitika >> Queenstown >> Tuatapere >> Dusky Sound >> Wanaka >> Westport >> HOME

Hoping on the Big Bird tomorrow and heading for New Zealand. Well it’s a small bird actually, but by the powers of a Good Bastards Bottle of Piss the price is right.

For years I have been flying with Qantas and Air New Zealand and they make their cheap deals look cheap by whopping up a first division lotto prize price up your arse as the main alternative to their book on a Sunday afternoon four months before you go, and don’t you dare change your travel times or we will knobble your moolah and treat like a piece of crap.

Well surprise, surprise, as Goma Pyle would say. There is an alternative.

Air New Zealand and Qantas want 800 hard earned smackeroos for the trip.

Freedom Air are doing it for $475.00.

It gets better.
None of that Airline food, that a biafron might kill for, but someone should have told them we are not from Biafra.

Its not the food that’s the real problem here, the waiters and waitresses leave you and the whole bloody plane trapped under a tray full of dirty dishes for the greater part of the flight.

You can’t move, fart or go for a leak with out upsetting the entire flight. So when the folk from freedom Air said there is no food served, I couldn’t say “Blooooooody beeeeauddddiful” quick enough.

Not only that the dude on the other end of the eudi cologne (that’s phone, Bloody Leo,) apologises to me that if I change the flight dates it will cost me fifty bucks. The other arseholes want $800.00

And if I cancel it only costs me fifty bucks and I can pick up a new flight anytime over the next six months. The other haemorrhoids want to knobble my $800.00.

It gets better.

They fly direct from Coolangatta direct to Auckland and then on my homeward leg direct from Christchurch to the Gold Coast.

I hope these Freedom Air Bastards are grateful for this free and unsolicited advertising.

Anyway back to the trip:

18th of Feb: Bail out of here for Auckland.
Couple of days in Auckland attending to some Good Bastards Secret
Business. Good stuff for all will come out of that.

19th of February: All things being equal, you can tune into Nick and Rog on THE ROCK in the morning at around 8 30, nine O’Clockish as I will be down at the Station having a chat

Auckland, the city of sails

19th Feb: Up to Whangarei to work with our New Zealand Master Franchisees for You’ll say WOW. Check out our business opportunity across the country: Click here.

The best looking Van in New Zealand

21st Feb: Friday Night, I meet up with my great mate Seamus Curreen at Mangawhai and spend a day or so with him. For those that read the book Good Bastards The larrikins guide to Success, Seamus was my boss up the Copland Track, between the west Coast and Mount Cook. I sent a call out in the book that I had lost contact and Grant Growcott put us back in touch with one another. Thank you Grant.

Photo of Paddy and Seamus
Paddy and Seamus about to head off and bag a feed of Venison. Look at those fabulous mountains will ya.

22nd of February: Meeting up with an old mate Ted Phillips who tells me we will be having a few beers and taking in a bit of country atmosphere with the Helensville AMP show.

23rd Feb: Good Bastard John Hynds has invited me out on the Spirit of New Zealand, the full masted sailing ship, to take in a bit of Americas Cup racing. Could be a big one. I couldn’t believe it when Hyndsie invited me along; this is like winning a major raffle. With NZ two down on the best of nine, team NZ have it front of them.

Don’t forget that Bertram and the Aussie Syndicate in 1983 were four nil and went on to win the next five, so don’t right them off just yet.

The first lose was a breakdown and they lead most of the way in the second. It all makes for exciting racing. You follow it live on the net on www.virtualspectator.com

SV Spirit of New Zealand

24th Feb: Off to Taupo on the 6 am flight to meet up with Good Bastards Alan and Ruth Kerr who are having their conference there. I’m doing a bit of a talk there for the fine folk that own Christies Jewellers Stores all around the country. It’s their annual Conference and I need to call up some War Stories and what has made Stain Busters so successful.

Taupo is the biggest lake in the Southern Hemisphere, crystal clear spring water and just absolutely chocka with Rainbow trout. It is a fabulous place and one that has a magnetic attraction of making you want to return. There are oodles of things to see and do there. Pity I’m not staying longer.

The snow capped live volcanos of Tongariro National Park in the background

25th Feb: Another early flight to meet up with some key folk involved in the Good Bastards Bar and Grill and other Good Bastards at Wellington. Then on to Christchurch before heading for the beloved and mighty West Coast.

26th Feb: With Six Good Bastards we head off to Queenstown in a Tarago from Good Bastard Kerry Heveldt’s New Zealand Rent a car fleet. Gary Hutchison, Pete ‘zundapp’ Jones. Tim Teen, Alex Christie, Roo Curtain and Graeme Cox. Could be a few whistle stops before hitting Queenstown.

27th Feb: meet up with the 8th member of the team Alan Kerr, who is flying in from Taupo. From there we head over to the famous Tuatapere Pub for the night, before being picked the next morning and being flown out to Dusky Sound to join up with Captain Mark on the MV Takapu.

Queenstown from the Gondolier and The Shotover Jet

We will take in a few of the fun things around Queenstown, go for a burst up the Gondolier, maybe rip around the rocks roaring up the river on the Shotover Jet. Just normal Good Bastards sort of stuff.

MV TAKAPU

Its then a week, of drinking Good Bastards Grog, catching and eating Gigantic Crayfish (Lobster) scooping up the Bluff Oysters, and maybe shooting the odd bit of Venison and indulging in a back steak or two. We are right in the heart of Fiordland, around Dusky Sound. The MV Takapu is a converted Mine Sweeper in a Good Bastards Adventure boat. There are a few photos here form their site, but you will want to see more, so go to www.ballbag.co.nz  One helluva name for a website.

The days catch of Crayfish

Can’t say too much about the fishing, as you will all want to come along and catch huge sea running Cod and massive deep sea Gropers.

6th March: we are back to the Tuatapere Pub and start to meander back to the West Coast, stopping off for a night on the Good Stuff at beautiful Lake Wanaka or somewhere similar.

Lake Wanaka

7th March: Back to Hokitika and arrive there on the eve of The Hokitika Wild Food Festival. But not before checking out some special places along the way. The trip will take all day and we’ll have the odd feed and a Good Bastards beer here and there. The magic is in the scenery. It truly is amazing. I reckon it’s the best in the world. Pat Condon reckons that too.

Fantastic Scenery

8th of March: Hokitika hosts the Wild Food Festival. One of the greatest events in New Zealand. Organised by Good Bastard Mike Keenan. Will be a very big one. You have to be there, get organised. We’ll be at the Southland Hotel, Good Bastards Headquarters from time to time.

Over 20 000 turn up each year

9th March: The Hokitika Races, where Bloody Leo and I try to out punt one another. Its my turn to win this year. I wonder if Hyndies and Al’s Horse Moody Blues is running.

10th of March: Its up to Westport to see the team at the Brewery. Sample a few Good Bastards, that’s for sure.

11th March: Secret Good Bastards business around the Good Bastards Bar and Grill. Heap of Good Bastards to catch up with and might even get to have a beer with Pete and the mates at JDV in Merrivale.

This is our planned Logo

12th of March: Secret Good Bastard meetings about the forthcoming Good Bastards Rugby World Cup and the Good Bastards Comedy and Beer festival and the search for the funniest Bastard in New Zealand.

Good Bastards World Cup photo

13th March: Back onto the Freedom Air Bird and back across the ditch.

Gold Coast


 

Good Bastards
Super Twelve Rugby
Tipping Comp

WIN GROG!!!

Now, I’ve set this bloody thing up where you can win Good bastards Beer or Vouchers for partaking in the Good Bastards Super Twelve Picking comp.

It’s easier than picking your bum.

All you do is register and then each week register your picks by clicking buttons, takes twelve seconds.

First Prize for the overall Winner 8 Six Packs of Good Bastards Beer

Runner up 4 six packs

There will a prize for the worst picker, if you drop out that doesn’t mean its you.

Heres what you need to do …………….

1. Go to http://www.OzTips.com

2. From the home page, select "I'm new and I want to tip", and set-up a user account (if you don't already have one on OzTips.com).

3. Select "I want to join a Tipping Comp" on the home page, or the "Tipping" tab.

4. Enter the Comp Number and Password details below.

5. That's it. Full instructions on how to tip can be found on the site by clicking on the "Help" tab.

Comp Number: 20719
Comp Name: Good Bastards
Password to join: paddy

GO YOU GOOD BASTARDS!!!

Now what is bloody Relative?
This week our focus on relativity focuses on consequences.

The two most amazing consequences in the world that dog 98% of
peoples lives are these:

• Take away the cause and the effect ceases
• If the cause isn’t right, the effect (result) will never be there.
•
Problem is most folk won’t face the music and then wonder why they
Never lead the band.

You can dodge responsibilities, but not the consequences.

What would have happened if Noah had missed the boat.!

When a horse shakes its tail flies disappear. Simply stated one thing leads to another. Trouble is most folk are not doing one thing of any consequence.

From the Webmaster
Hey Good Bastards, a few notes for surfers of the Good Bastards website.

Submissions:
A few of you Good Bastards have been sending your jokes and pictures to me at webmaster@goodbastards.com - submissions should go to the head honcho himself Paddy Bloody Sweeney. You can get him on paddy@goodbastards.com, or if you want to be more specific, you can send all submissions to submissions@goodbastards.com - that should be easy for Good Bastards of all sorts!

Weekly notification:
Just to clarify for existing Good Bastards and possible new ones, the weekly update notification is the only reason we have for using your email address. From time to time we may also send out a special notification for an upcoming big event. Under no circumstances do we provide your contact details to any third party, nor do we use them for any unsolicited circumstances.

Any questions Good Bastards? You can reach me here: webmaster@goodbastards.com

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives : The Case of the Sneaky Priest
An elderly priest from Galway invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you *did* take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you *did not* take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you *do* sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you *do not* sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
 

Chuck Lindke Reports in on the fighting Irish

PLACE YOURSELF IN BELFAST, IRELAND , IN A PUB, WITH A GLASS OF GUINNESS....

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O’Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy?
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."



An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop,
"it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin'to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no.
Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no
paper on this side either".

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
Breast fed," she replied. Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." I know," she said,
"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

END OF THE FIGHTING IRISH........FOR NOW
 

The Religious Bear
A pastor in skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting. Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. The pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please make this bear a Christian".

Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and said

"God bless this food which I am about to receive!"

Gidday you GBs.

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you
think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a
woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!"

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

What do you call a gay blokes scrotum?
A Mud-flap
Cheers

Nick

 

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

 

 

A
Spade
is a
Spade
is a
Spade

You will remember the Good Old Australian Governor General, you know, the current one. Yes that one, the one that got off scott free even though he was knobbled for a perpetrating an alleged cover up of sex abuse by one of his vicars against alleged child sex abuse. Yuk.

He was/is a Bishop or held down some bullshit role that entitles and enables him to protect the decadents in his flock. Powerful man in deed. Who said Man?

Anyway the humble ex Bishop has hit the headlines again. This time for notching up, in one year, a massive $900 000.00 in travel expenses. That’s over $2 500.00 a day. Not a bad score for an ex Bishop.

How many starving kids would that feed in his old job!!!!!!!!!!

But hang on, the decadent spending of the ex-bishop doesn’t stop there.

He didn’t like his humble home, a private apartment overlooking the lake at Yarralumla in Canberra. So Old Holy Holly did a bit of titivation for a mere $300 000.00.

I wonder how many destitute people he could have housed in his old job?

Come on Hollingsworth, you allegedly ripped off the rights of your child constituents in the Anglican church, Now you have been caught with your pants down ripping through the public purse with the gay abandon of Emelda and Ferdinand Marcos.

Who do you think you are Errol Flynn?

No, surely not, Errol Flynn, they say had a conscience.

You’ll go down in History and the sooner the better.

I wonder what his boss the Queen says about all this?

 

This weeks wacky site is
Now this weeks wacky site is for all the pie-arse bastards that seem to thing that their view point is actually law. Should target practice ever become law these bloody Do Gooders should be more worried than Arafat waking up in the middle of a bad dream kicking the pork chops off a Jewish Barbeque in down town Israel.

The F word has long played a part in most levels of our culture, its just that we have to endure a catering facility for the precious neighbours

http://www.its.caltech.edu/~yel/english.htm

 

Many Thanks Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material. If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution. All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given. Many Thanks! Paddy Sweeney

 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

---

Last Update: 23/02/2003

© 2001-2002 Good Bastards Privacy Statement visits, and still going!

Site Design & Maintenance by