Issue 68 - February 3 2003

Thought for the day: "We Cannot Change The Wind, But We can set the sail to move forward against the wind."

Thought I would give you an update on the planned Good Bastards Movie. It is a project planned for 2004/05 and has the working title of “The Lost Tribe Of Jackson’s Bay”.

It is loosely styled on the Crocodile Dundee movies.

Probably more pointed in its humorous political implications, the screenplay (script) is about three quarters completed on the first draft.

While I won’t divulge the complete plot here, I will give you a snap shot of part of it.

It is a comedy drama. Paddy is a South Westland sawmiller and the green movement influence Helen Feral-Fark (Isn’t that a great name) the prime minister shut down all native logging on the West Coast.

With many quite humorous Good Bastard Secret Business Meetings Paddy and his Good Bastards mates canvass this and other entirely relevant issues.

In the middle of it all Paddy inherits a Gold Claim at Jackson’s Bay from an old Cherokee Indian called Benny Bell who was a good mate of Paddys Father. (He actually was)

Well you guessed it, the department of green bastards shut down the mine just as it starting to churn out good gold.

Hey, I here a heap of you saying, this isn’t fiction it’s all-true.

Anyway a very riotous comical plot starts to unfold that sorts out Helen Feral-Fark and the department of green bastards.

That’s about all I’ll tell you. Some Good Bastards have heard the full plot over a beer or 27 and reckon it’s a ripper. Some have even thrown in two bobs worth that have been added to the scheme of things. No doubt there will be a heap more of them before she flicks up on the big screen.

The whole thing is still only a glimpse in the distance, but I need to stick me head out the window and tell every bastard about it so I now have to save face and make it happen, which I will.

Spent a lot of time on the script over Christmas and its looking great.

Twelve months ago I wrote the plot when travelling around USA, England, France, and Ireland on a Laptop that Saint Pam had given me for Christmas. (That’s a computer Bloody Leo, not a dancer) So there was a heap of material and creativity floating around brought on by the mysteries of new and wondrous worlds revealed during the trip..

Now that I had this flash gadget and had to find out if it worked, so came up with this crazy idea and started writing up the format for the plot. So the bloody thing is already a year old.

The silly thing about this movie, is that it appears that the bulk of funding is in place, and I haven’t even finished writing it. It can be a funny old world at times. Mind you it is great stuff to stick up the arses of those no hoping wankers sometimes called critics.

We won’t have a problem with our Maori Bro’s trying to knobble us over the use of their land as they recently have done with other Movie producers. This will all be filmed on independently owned freehold.

The head waiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as Bloody Leo in muddy hip wader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, dirty hair flopping all over the place plus twenty days growth on with flecks of long-ago food marched right towards him.

Bloody Leo said, "Yo,bucko, where's your bloody dunny?"

The head waiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

Al's Relativity

Lets see how luck is relative to this business of being successful. The traditional Rabbits Paw is a symbol of luck, I wonder if the Rabbit sees it that way.

You should never mention luck to a self-made person. They will tell you it’s but a distant and unreliable relative to success.

You can distinguish luck from ability by its duration and there is no doubt the winner of the lottery thinks they are lucky. The organisers would say “We sold all the tickets, and drew a number at random, luck
had nothing to do with.

As each person is the architect of their own future through the law of cause and effect, I would suggest that most things that are construed as lucky are either an act of randomness or the result of a specific cause.

Understanding how relative this is and then working with this information, will give you a greater share of what the so called unlucky refer to as luck.

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
There were three Irish priests on holiday in America at a railway station, all wanting to go to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to Titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"

Hippie from Dunedin...
has been off on a New Year sabbatical and after some many days of deep deliberations has come back to the artificial world with some ponderings for which he is looking for answers.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there.... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's arse".

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does a gynaecologist leave the room when a woman gets undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your arse?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FRIGGIN BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER FRIGGIN SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ARSEHOLE?"
..and, they lived happily ever after.

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Shit head, Arsehole and Big Balls.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

6th of February 10 am: It kicks off at the Paroa Hotel five miles south of Greymouth and an excellent ride around the backblocks of Greymouth will evolve.

7th of February 10 am: You get some great riding around the hills behind Hokitika. You’ll head out via the scrub and bush tracks, up through Humphries and Milltown and out around the Arahura River and return.

8th of February 10 am: It is a ripper. Kicking off in Ross, you’ll head off up through Mount Greenland with some magnificent views. Then down the Totara River up the old Ross Railway Line to Ruatapu, out onto the beach and down and around the Totara lagoon and down to the Miconui River.

That’s just the morning.

In the afternoon its off to Falls Creek, up Butlers Tram, into the moving swamp (That’s where The Good Bastards Challenge will take place) and down over into the Kokatahi River.

Man that’s a great three Days. Brian Piner (The Pinerman) will be the tail gunner with his bike having a winch to pull out any bastard that get stuck.

Participants need to brink something to eat and drink (no Grog allowed on the ride) a helmet sturdy pair of boots (no jandals or bare feet) and all bikes must have brakes.

As part of this we are developing the Good Bastards Code of Safety Conduct for the Muster and all other Rides as well.

There will be a bit of Good Bastards Beer floating around, and a real Ball Tearer of a T-Shirt for those that want a bloody good look around the traps.

Ring Barry Wilson on 03 755 7775 for more information

Peter and Anna Campion are a couple of real Good Bastards. They support Good Bastards to the hilt and its only fitting that they are recognised for their efforts.

Remember when we ran the contest for the number seven Good Bastards exclusive Ruby Jersey. You had to get folk signed up in The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards. Well Peter snared it from under the nose of Rachel Teen. Great effort.

Mind you it should be said that Anna has her hands full keeping him on the pace.

Peter has been a Male Nurse, work with them long enough …… twenty some bloody thing years or more. Now I didn’t say this and I don’t think its true. But one of his mates said, “You know what they say, if you work with someone long enough you finish up like em” Of course the spin is, that could be equally parlayed to the bloke giving the comment.

Peter is a very keen Whitebaiter, he doesn’t catch a lot because he hasn’t quite perfected a new technique yet, but he is working on it. Apparently it involves jumping in the river with the whitebait and swimming with them into the net.

I’m sure it’ll be a great idea when it’s perfected, and if one can do that, Pete’s the man.

He is an avid fan of 4 wheelers, and has a u beaut Yamaha Kodiac. You would have seen it on the Sixty Minutes program on Good Bastards.

Peter is Barry Wilson’s right hand man for this weekends Good Bastards Four Wheel Muster. He has been doing a lot of the legwork and will be a vital part of making the whole thing a rip roaring success.

Barry and Peter did a ride on the weekend to check out the track and it is in tip top condition.

Well heres to you Peter and Anna. Two of the Top Gun Good Bastards.

This weeks Winner of their Choice of Good Bastards Books and they have chosen The Good Bastards Huge Joke Book is Carol Henry from NSW.

Carols idea is that you use a sheet of corrugated iron to make a dog Kennal. Now the beayty of that is, as she puts it, you can make it bigger enough for your old man to sleep in when he comes home from the pub six hours late. That makes him a dog and automatically upgrades the dog to a berth in the house.
Entry’s are a bit sparse in this challenge. Which only goes to show that most folk just don’t appreciate the worth of a sheet of Corrugated Iron.

For us versatile Good Bastards its all dead easy, but some of you yippy, yappy, yuppie Good Bastards might find it to be a real challenge. To make it easy you don’t have to actually make anything, just come up with the idea and we will see who is the most creative and versatile. All you have to do is fill in the fields and we will judge you from that.

Week one, announced on the third of February, the price is your choice of any one of the three Good Bastards Books.

Week two, announced on the tenth of February, the price is your choice of any one of the three Good Bastards Books.

Week three, announced on the seventeenth of February, the price is your choice of any one of the three Good Bastards Books.

Week four: On the 24th of February we announce the grand winner who will receive Four six packs of Good Bastards Beer, your choice of Good bastards Dark or Good Bastards Larger, or a mix of both, delivered to your door by www.shopnaked.co.nz where you can have delivered to your door all the grog you want simply by ordering it off the internet.

Enter only one idea or up to three on the one form.

I said to this boring bastard the other day I said, I wish I knew you when you were alive. I reckon there is buggar all worse in this world than dead boring bastards who are still walking around.

There same boring bastard, that I have the misfortune to have to deal with from time to time, that if you asked him the time he launches into the history of the bloody clock.

Mind you he’s never had an unexpressed thought in his entire life. I’m sure he had had a charisma bypass. He is a flood of words and a drought of sense. Mind you no matter what others think he fascinates himself. He has the amazing ability to fall asleep in the middle of a nap and his main shortcoming is his long staying.

He is the champion of monotony; I could wade through his deepest thoughts with out getting me big toe wet. It seems he thinks he has a good mind to give you a listening too, whether you are ready or not.

I spent a year with him in one weekend, he is a man of a few words, trouble is he keeps repeating them. He sort of sidles up to you and without saying it says, “I don’t want to bore you, but seeing there is no one else around, you’ll have to do.”

You know the bastard.

His name is Sweeney.

The Good Bastards Rugby Club
&
Good Bastards Rugby

We help you with the funding of travel; you don’t pay us for it.

The club where camaraderie is our main aim

Have you joined our Rugby Club yet. It is a virtual Rugby Club and we aiming at making it the biggest in the World, well with all you Good Bastards help that is.

Neil Blanchfield and Paddy Sweeney are the driving forces behind he club with more announcements to be made shortly as to those who are making things happen.

And it starts today, fill out your membership and lets get this show on the road. We have a long way to go to reach the lofty heights that we have set for this club. It can only happen if you will put your weight into the scrum.

Don’t sit and the side line and watch the play. This is one game you can be in the thick of, and it will be a ripper. Simply join The Good Bastards Rugby Club and you are part of the team. It is absolutely Free.

Our next event is The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup will be held this year at the Merrivale Clubs Grounds in Christchurch. Negotiations are underway with Australia for the 2004 event. Other tournaments and competitions are planned and boy are there some beauties.

It will be held in August starting on the 19th of August 2003

Join up in the Good Bastards Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Rugby Club is the new force in camaraderie Rugby. At this years Good Bastards Rugby World Cup an executive will be further formed to carry this club forward and develop Good Bastards Rugby as the more popular with no hooks Rugby Competition for the over 35, can’t get enough of it Rugby fan. Plus more.

We will build a debt free impregnable infrastructure that is designed to give, not take. There is no fear of a takeover here.

The Key objectives of the club are:

• More Fun with more freedom
• Realistic assistance with fund raising. We help you with the funding of travel; you don’t pay us for it.
• Greater involvement for those who just want to be fans of Rugby
• Local Good Bastards Rugby Competitions and incentives
• Ownership of the club is a charitable trust. The Good Bastards Help A Mate Trust. (Currently being formed)
• Beneficiaries of the trust will be those in need due to Health requirements or abject poverty.
• Have a range of local, National and International events
• Facilities for every member to be able to have a say in how the club should operate.
• We are looking for your ideas and input right now and always as to how this club can achieve the magnificent heights that are possible.

Drop us an email on what and how you would like to see evolve with The Good Bastards Rugby Club and Good Bastards Rugby in general. rugby@goodbastards.com

by David H. Maister
Simon & Schuster 2001 ( $49.95 AU )
Hardcover, ISBN: 0-743-21187-1
BUSINESS / BUSINESS & MANAGEMENT

An author by the name of David Maister has written the above book for managers. It may not be about or for the legal profession, however a quote from the Melbourne Age about the book caught my attention and I felt “Every Solicitor Should Read It”

“Maister said the problems…[were] more a case of undermining strategy in the pursuit of cash, he said; about sacrificing long- term gains for a short-term hit…”Without morally choosing which is right, we can all recognise that you do different things. The techniques for being good at one-night stands are not the techniques for being good at romance.”

There is no doubt that many businesses can learn from that statement, but none more than the cash sucking leeches in the legal profession. If ever a so-called professional group had blight it is right there. Many would say it has reached plague proportions.

The evidence of many of these thieving bastards relieving hard earned from common folk is now well emblazoned into the history books. There are those from within the industry that allege that those who do rip off their clients, go to extreme lengths to disguise their theft.

The wording of some solicitor’s bills is an art form in deception. You can force them to justify every minute of their six minute increments. Each minute can then be arbitrated on by a person independent to the legal profession. If you have been ripped off, and if you think you have, it’s a fair bet you have. Then such a process will see a gigantic whittling of the bill and if you want to prevent others from being “touched” in the same manner, take the story to the media and seek compensation for the process.

Don’t get me wrong here; there are those who do charge a fair price for a good service given. My observation is they are in the minority and diminishing. I applaud those who can claim the title based upon them as an Honest Lawyer, bestowed only by the greater number of their clients.

When a keen bright student of the law is admitted to the bar and gains employment with a firm, they are often times innocent, perhaps even naive and are far from that fee-focused mercenary that emerges a few short years down the track.

They soon learn that its not about the law, that soon becomes secondary and the six minute billable increment is the god that rules. The amount you can get for an hours work, has absolutely nothing to do with the value of the service rendered.

They also soon learn that the better you are at creating and fulfilling the day with these little six minute friggers the faster and quicker you will rise up the ladder.

It is right here that morals and ethics can and often do go out the door.

The second thing they learn is that today’s law is more about bluff than argument. How to bluff your client into believing that a solution is eminent and that the fees are justified.

Actual example: A dispute arose over a defacto relationship in what was ultimately “a couldn’t lose” case.

The solicitor agreed to do the work on the basis of a no win no pay basis. If ever there is a con it’s right here. Seldom do they loose such cases. The fees are calculated at top whack, which can be justified by the so call risk and “the six-minute madness works well into the midnight hour”.

Their backstop is a fee justification process, which is written and administered by other solicitors perusing documentation from the solicitor involved. The client should be directly involved in this process but seldom is.

In the case in point here, a settlement was reached, without the solicitor ever having to leave their office.

The settlement amount $32 000.00 far short of the $200 000.00 suggested in the first instance.

The legal bill $37 000.00! A lot of six-minute increments here and they never left the office. The correspondence file has been accessed from the other side who charged their client $6 000.00.

The gracious solicitor advised they would waiver their bill down to $30 000.00 and gave their client a cheque for two thousand dollars.

Up their arse. They in effect lost the case as per how it was originally advised as to its likely outcome.

They used an enticement of $200 000.00 to get the client to sign a deal that should have been called “I win You Loose”

Another one night stand for the solicitor in question. They should realise you can get the clap from such events and it sure isn’t the same as applause.

A future Good Bastards Book compiled by those conversant with the law including actual honest lawyers entitled; “How to stick it up your lawyer without getting screwed yourself” will throw some enlightening facts on the matter including a fair and reasonable scale of charges. Contributions and contributors welcome. Please email publishing@goodbastards.com

Much of the information contained herein has been supplied by those within the industry who are utterly disgusted with what their vocation has turned into.

Oopps
Drowsing contentedly after an afternoon of making love in bed, suddenly there's the sound of a car pulling up outside. Dreamily, the girl whispers, "Oh, oh, quick get moving, that's my husband."

Quick as a flash, the man jumps out of bed, rushes to the window and suddenly stops dead. "What d'ya mean?" he bellows "I am your husband!"

Gidday you Good Bastards...

Hollywood Lessons on how life really is:
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

What's the hardest thing about having AIDs?
Leaving your friend's behind.

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.
He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing.
He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says: "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him.
A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back: "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"

They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable dong you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done in Harley St, England. Cost a thousand quid, but as you can see, well worth every penny."
Fred was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Harley St, first thing.
It was a good six months later before he ran into his old friend once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled. I got mine for £500, not a thousand."
Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Harley St, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"

What's stiff and excites women?
Elvis Presley.

Viva Las Vegas...

Nick

LINKS !
The Best Pub on the Planet	Paddys other business	The best way to play Australian Lotto three times a week
Good Bastards Drag Racing Team	Here's a Good Bastards business for sale in NZ	Rugby Racing and Beer
Wacky Sites	Wild Foods Festival	Wotzup Australia

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Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Monday February 3rd 2003 ISSUE #68
*Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.*
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Things you should check out on the site Before you bugger off home...

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...