Issue 67 - January 27 2003

Thought for the day: "If you insist on an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, you'll both end up blind and toothless."

Here is the layout of the van signwriting, currently being completed. We will display a photo of the finished vehicle in a future posting.

As many of you know my core business for the last twelve Years has been developing a Carpet Cleaning Franchise Network in Australia. It has been very successful and we are commencing operations in New Zealand this week.

We will be operating under the name “You’ll Say WOW”

Leo and Linda Foster are our Master Franchisees for New Zealand and they will also operate the Whangarei area. We will tell you more about the Fosters in a future edition.

Suffice it to say, that they were our Franchise Owners on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland and having built that business to a successful level, sold it and have now set up in Whangarei. These folk already have a proven track record and they will an integral part of our dynamic future in New Zealand.

The name came about from the many times people would say WOW look at that, when our people would finish a job. We clean upwards of 500 carpets per week in Australia and our slogan is:
“We’ve built a business on the stains others give up on”

We are now looking for Franchise Owners throughout New Zealand and also a number of places in Australia. You should take the time to have a gander.

You’ll say WOW and Stain Busters Cleaning Systems have many advantages over all our opposition:

• We can remove virtually any stain from a carpet. We have developed our own range of cleaning and stain removal products substantially more advanced to anything anywhere in the world.
• Our equipment is state of the art and the most sophisticated in the world.
• We have a marketing program that can generate more business than you can carry out.
• Our ongoing training ensures you are right up with all aspects of play in the industry and with new business techniques and methods.
• We have an going development program evolving an additional range of services and products to compliment existing turnovers.
• A full and comprehensive disclosure document of our entire history.
• Our top Franchise Owners in Australia are on target for a $1 000.000.00 year and their goal is to reach $3 000 000.00 a year in 2006.

Your business kit is a turnkey operation. It includes your van fully kitted, all equipment and miscellaneous items, uniform, stationary and fast start marketing launch. (Record for the first 100 jobs from a standing start in a brand new area is six weeks)

If you are considering a business proposition that has the runs on the board that will train and support you on all aspects on an ongoing basis, along with being able to offer a service superior to all opposition, then email Paddy for more information. paddy@goodbastards.com

Interested parties once past the initial selection criteria are welcome to contact our existing people and verify for themselves the veracity of any and all claims.

One day Bloody Leo was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ARSEHOLE!' afterwards!"

Steven Bloody Wright
If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems:

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
• Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

It sort of came about when I was talking to Andrea, Hyndies PA. The subject of accommodation came up and I told her, that all any bastard really needs is their own sheet of corrugated iron and they camp down anywhere and withstand a tornado if necessary. I don’t know if she was convinced.

Any way as I was explaining to what a wonderful thing a sheet of corrugated iron was it occurred to me that we should have a competition out there and just see who is versatile in just what you can do with a sheet of corrugated iron.

Hell they also be used for a temporary dunny door, even build a whole dunny with the stuff. No pun intended.

You can make a table, coffee table, dog kennel, shelter for your strawberries, block up a busted window, even build a boat out of one if you are smart enough.

Now here is the Competition for the next four weeks. Its called;

For us versatile Good Bastards its all dead easy, but some of you yippy, yappy, yuppie Good Bastards might find it to be a real challenge. To make it easy you don’t have to actually make anything, just come up with the idea and we will see who is the most creative and versatile. All you have to do is fill in the fields and we will judge you from that.

Week one, announced on the third of February, the price is your choice of any one of the three Good Bastards Books.

Week two, announced on the tenth of February, the price is your choice of any one of the three Good Bastards Books.

Week three, announced on the seventeenth of February, the price is your choice of any one of the three Good Bastards Books.

Week four: On the 24th of February we announce the grand winner who will receive Four six packs of Good Bastards Beer, your choice of Good bastards Dark or Good Bastards Larger, or a mix of both, delivered to your door by www.shopnaked.co.nz where you can have delivered to your door all the grog you want simply by ordering it off the internet.

Enter only one idea or up to three on the one form.

Al's Relativity

Its time to address the relativity of the Youth of Today. Teenagers can be nice, but they soon recover. There is nothing wrong with them that telling them won’t aggravate.

The only person not in awe of a lion tamer is the school bus driver.

Ask a teenager what ever you want to know as they know everything. They complain there is nothing to do and then stay out all night doing it.

They can be very unpleasant when you get to NO them.

Today’s youth are the trustees of tomorrows history. Which brings me to this whole point of relativity here. Whoever they are, whatever they are, they are, one way or another, no different to us when we were teenagers. Its just that now we realise just how foolish we were and we are never going to admit it. And they will likely do likewise.

And One final point of relativity, never lend your car to anyone you have given birth to.

(A Man with a full set of tools has no Sons. Paddy)

All you Good Bastards with four-wheel bikes should be making your way to the Good Bastards Four Wheel Muster in New Zealand this coming Wiatangi Weekend.

Barry Wilson from that great Tourist attraction The Hokitika Glass Factory is the organiser and he is doing a bloody good job in coming up with where, how and the who of it all.

6th of February 10 am: It kicks off at the Paroa Hotel five miles south of Greymouth and an excellent ride around the backblocks of Greymouth will evolve.

7th of February 10 am: You get some great riding around the hills behind Hokitika. You’ll head out via the scrub and bush tracks, up through Humphries and Milltown and out around the Arahura River and return.

8th of February 10 am: It is a ripper. Kicking off in Ross, you’ll head off up through Mount Greenland with some magnificent views. Then down the Totara River up the old Ross Railway Line to Ruatapu, out onto the beach and down and around the Totara lagoon and down to the Miconui River.

That’s just the morning.

In the afternoon its off to Falls Creek, up Butlers Tram, into the moving swamp (That’s where The Good Bastards Challenge will take place) and down over into the Kokatahi River.

Man that’s a great three Days. Brian Piner (The Pinerman) will be the tail gunner with his bike having a winch to pull out any bastard that get stuck.

Participants need to brink something to eat and drink (no Grog allowed on the ride) a helmet sturdy pair of boots (no jandals or bare feet) and all bikes must have brakes.

As part of this we are developing the Good Bastards Code of Safety Conduct for the Muster and all other Rides as well.

There will be a bit of Good Bastards Beer floating around, and a real Ball Tearer of a T-Shirt for those that want a bloody good look around the traps.

Ring Barry Wilson on 03 755 7775 for more information

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
A train hits a busload of Irish nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

He asks the first nun, "Sister Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Bernadette have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!"
The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"

Genuine Mistake
"HEL-L-LP!" the scream came from the bedroom. The man of the house ran to see what was the matter. Just as he entered his bedroom, he saw a guy leaping out the window.

His wife cried, "That guy just screwed me twice!"

"Twice?" the husband wondered,

"Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you the first time?"

"Because," she replied "I thought it was you until he started for the second time ..."

F - Fake

PS. . . they should add a new size for the over 50 group:

G - Gone South

New element
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is intent. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". You will know it when you see it.

Really Nice Bloke Actually
One night a teenage girl brought her new boy-friend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"

Pressure in the pants
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse!"

Every day millions of images go to your brain, but only some of these are focused. To prove this scientific fact, try the following test:

Stare at the picture below and find the car in the shortest possible time.

Average Results:
Average time for a woman: 1.23 Seconds
Average time for a man: 12.46 Minutes

This one hurts!!!
A young Indian woman (Native American) went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After check all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples", she replied.
"That is amazing" said the doc. I'd like to write this up for The New England Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK"
"First of all" asked the doc, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe" asked the doc.
v
v

(are you ready?????)
v
v

(brace yourself!!)
v
v

"We're The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Durham and Lorraine Havill

Durham taking it easy at Aratuna Freighters

Every community has them those people that shine. Those folk who, right or wrong, take a stand and push forward. It is those that start doing this when they are young and have the intestinal fortitude to keep pressing on regardless of the opposition, that the history books are written about.

Well Durham and Lorraine Havill are two of those Good Bastards.

He has stuck his head to the wind, hung over the front of the boat, exposed their whole life up for ridicule and that end of the day the jury is in and he has been judged one of the finest Good Bastards you could ever get.

Where do these Good Bastards hail from?

Right in the heartland of Good Bastards Country “The mighty, the indestructible West Coast of the South Island” Where men are men and the women are most appreciative.

Durham is an ex-mayor of Westland and arguably the best the Mayor the Coast or elsewhere has ever had. He shots a mean golf ball and when he is missing without leave, ……. well I’m not saying anything here.

The Havills are successful farmers and now are actively building a dynamic Freight Company employing over forty people called Aratuna Freighters.

Heres too the both of you

Cheers

What a lot of you bastards don’t know and appreciate is just how much of a happy and kind bastard I am. As we don’t get to have a beer and yarn that often, I thought I would let you see a little of my more gentle, more passionate side so you know who your drinking with kinda thing.

Better a small posy now than a big wreath later, I always reckon, lot of bastards like that ya know. Only hear from them at your funeral when they turn up with a whopping great big wreath as though they were ya best mate, yet ya never got a smell of their fart when ya were alive.

Throw a kind word here and there I always reckon, a pat on the head achieves more than a kick up the arse, even a milking cow appreciates warm hands. Kindness is a language even the deaf can hear as long as they’re not politicians. Met one or two of them that have been ok, I reckon Sweeney hates the lot of the useless bastards.

A lot of folk intend to be kind and never get around to it, good intentions die if they’re not executed ya know.

Mind you, turn the other cheek too far and you’ll cop it right in the neck. There are a few parasitic bastards out there who feed off kind-hearted bastards like me. The only trouble when some bastard does forgive and forgets, when you make a bit of a cock up, are the constant reminders.

Just before I go I have something quite special for you. Its my theme song, in fact it is so good, I reckon I’ll donate it Sweeney’s Good Bastards mob to have as their theme song.

Click here and have a listen to this little ripper.**

I’ll be here again next week to tell you about a particular bastard that causes me no end of grief.

Catch you then

** This download is an executable file within a zip archive. in2itive Technology guarantees that this file is virus free.

The Good Bastards Rugby Club
&
Good Bastards Rugby

We help you with the funding of travel; you don’t pay us for it.

The club where camaraderie is our main aim

Have you joined our Rugby Club yet. It is a virtual Rugby Club and we aiming at making it the biggest in the World, well with all you Good Bastards help that is.

Neil Blanchfield and Paddy Sweeney are the driving forces behind he club with more announcements to be made shortly as to those who are making things happen.

And it starts today, fill out your membership and lets get this show on the road. We have a long way to go to reach the lofty heights that we have set for this club. It can only happen if you will put your weight into the scrum.

Don’t sit and the side line and watch the play. This is one game you can be in the thick of, and it will be a ripper. Simply join The Good Bastards Rugby Club and you are part of the team. It is absolutely Free.

Our next event is The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup will be held this year at the Merrivale Clubs Grounds in Christchurch. Negotiations are underway with Australia for the 2004 event. Other tournaments and competitions are planned and boy are there some beauties.

It will be held in August starting on the 19th of August 2003

Join up in the Good Bastards Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Rugby Club is the new force in camaraderie Rugby. At this years Good Bastards Rugby World Cup an executive will be further formed to carry this club forward and develop Good Bastards Rugby as the more popular with no hooks Rugby Competition for the over 35, can’t get enough of it Rugby fan. Plus more.

We will build a debt free impregnable infrastructure that is designed to give, not take. There is no fear of a takeover here.

The Key objectives of the club are:

• More Fun with more freedom
• Realistic assistance with fund raising. We help you with the funding of travel; you don’t pay us for it.
• Greater involvement for those who just want to be fans of Rugby
• Local Good Bastards Rugby Competitions and incentives
• Ownership of the club is a charitable trust. The Good Bastards Help A Mate Trust. (Currently being formed)
• Beneficiaries of the trust will be those in need due to Health requirements or abject poverty.
• Have a range of local, National and International events
• Facilities for every member to be able to have a say in how the club should operate.
• We are looking for your ideas and input right now and always as to how this club can achieve the magnificent heights that are possible.

Drop us an email on what and how you would like to see evolve with The Good Bastards Rugby Club and Good Bastards Rugby in general. rugby@goodbastards.com

Check out this great Rugby site. It is chocker with good Stuff and you can join up with their shit hot Rugby newsletter.
This week for example you can read all about Russia getting there arsed kicked out of the Rugby World Cup and why.
Also who is going to replace them? Find out on www.rugbyenews.com

THE ODDS
Rugby World Cup 2003 Winner (as at 17 January 2003)

Little Paddy
Little Paddy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, little Paddy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor.

He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. Little Paddy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the Irish nuns that did it?," the father asked. Little Paddy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

Nick and Rog with Vicki Lee
They shouldn’t be squeezing her so hard she’ll get a tummy ache or pop out of her top. Maybe that’s what they are trying to make happen.

Gidday you Good Bastards... Choke on these... (Which way am I looking here.)

A man in a bar noticed a very attractive set of blonde Siamese twins. They started talking, he bought them a few drinks and pretty soon they were laughing and joking, getting on really well. At closing time he asked them if they would like to go back to his place for a nightcap and they both agreed.
Back at his apartment they enjoyed a few more drinks and they started talking dirty. He suggested that they should all go off to the bedroom and the Siamese twins readily agreed. They all undressed and soon he was having terrific sex with one of the twins. After he'd finished with the first one the second one cried out "My turn now" so he started to have sex with her.
The other Siamese twin suddenly notices a saxophone in the corner of the bedroom and asks the guy whether she can try it out, as she's always wanted to play the saxophone. He says sure and carries on having sex with her twin whilst she's trying to play "When the saints go marching in" at full volume on the saxophone.
The evening ends with the guy calling a cab for the Siamese twins. They all agree that they should meet up again some time.
Four days later the Siamese twins are walking down the street and one turns to the other and says "Hey. Isn't that the apartment that we went to with that guy the other night?" "Yeah I think it is,” says the other one, "Shall we go up and see if he's in?" "I'm not sure,” says her sister, "Do you think he'll remember us?"

CLASSIC JOKE:
This lady goes to place her husband's obituary in the local paper, unfortunately she only has $1 and for that she gets three words. She asks the bloke at the paper if she can just put "Hemi is Dead" as she only has one dollar to her name.
The bloke explains to her that this is probably not enough and taking pity on her offers her six words for her dollar.
The lady really appreciates this gesture and increases the obituary to: "Hemi is Dead, Kingswood for sale"!
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
See ya's next week

Nick

Little Paddy
For his birthday, Little Paddy asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is 800,000 and so there's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Paddy heading out the door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Paddy told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out.

I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be stuffed if I'm sticking around here by myself with an 800,000 mortgage and no means of transportation."

Last word from Paddy
Now all these political correct bastards, who I might add have never produced anything of significance that contributes to the three basics of food, shelter and clothing. Are intent on telling the kiwis and Aussie how we should speak and how we have bastardised there language.

Well stuff off back to England where your crappy language is as hard to understand as Swahili.

Just for the record on how cocked up political correctness is, fellow good bastard, here is a lashing of their lollypops. It doesn’t get more frigged up than this, but to the politically correct this is okay. Aren’t they a bunch of wankers?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer pipe.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it – Politically correct English is a crock of crap.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

Wankers, wankers, wankers. Castrate the lot of the politically correct bastards if they want to stay around and let the breed die out. Otherwise F888 off home.

This weeks wacky site
This is a special wacky site for Bloody Leo who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow. I’m sure he will let me know his score in due course.
http://www.assotron.com/arse-or-elbow/

Many Thanks

Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material.

If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution.

All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given.

Many Thanks!

Paddy Sweeney

LINKS !
The Best Pub on the Planet	Paddys other business	The best way to play Australian Lotto three times a week
Good Bastards Drag Racing Team	Wild Foods Festival	Rugby Racing and Beer
Wacky Sites	Bon's Topsitelist Category	Wotzup Australia

Country	SportsTAB (AUS)	Centrebet (AUS)	William Hill (UK)	TAB (NZ)
New Zealand	2.45	2.50	2.62	2.50
Australia	2.90	2.90	2.75	3.00
England	5.00	5.00	5.50	5.50
France	6.75	7.00	7.50	6.00
South Africa	9.00	8.00	10.00	8.50
Ireland	41.00	34.00	34.00	40.00
Argentina	101.00	126.00	81.00	150.00
Wales	151.00	126.00	81.00	250.00
Scotland	251.00	161.00	126.00	250.00
Samoa	601.00	661.00	251.00	1000.00

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Monday January 27th 2003 ISSUE #67
*Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.*
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Things you should check out on the site Before you bugger off home...

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...