Coming to you from the deck chair by the pool in sunny Queensland.

Thought for the day: "There is only two reasons men stay out at night, its because they don’t have wives to go home to or they do."

The Good Bastards
Four Wheel
Muster

The Bit Of A Yarn Before The Muster Gets Underway

Last November at Good Bastards Day at the Southland Hotel in Hokitika I caught up with Barry and Judy Wilson. (They were admitted to our Hall Of Fame last week)

Anyone as we were yacking away it turns out that Barry was heading over to Christchurch the day I was due to go over also. So I finished up getting a lift with him.

We had a great old natter on the three-hour journey over. Talked about old times and all the Good Bastards we’d known and worked with over the years.

We got around to talking about one of Barry’s passions, four-wheel bike riding. Barry has a beauty. Some of you would have seen him with Peter Campion (Ernie Dingo) and I roaring around on the four wheelers on the Sixty Minutes show on Good Bastards last April.

Ernie has quite a following among the ATV group. He is a sort of does for them what Janis Joplin did for the Harper Valley PTA, not that he can sing.

Well one thing led to another and before we arrived in Christchurch “The Good Bastards Four Wheel Muster” had been consummated and on Waitangi weekend it is due to be born.

Barry has worked out an excellent three-day event:

It should be noted that this is a ride not a race. It is just a series of three fun days.

6th of February 10 am: It kicks off at the Paroa Hotel five miles south of Greymouth and an excellent ride around the backblocks of Greymouth will evolve.

7th of February 10 am: You get some great riding around the hills behind Hokitika. You’ll head out via the scrub and bush tracks, up through Humphries and Milltown and out around the Arahura River and return.

8th of February 10 am: It is a ripper. Kicking off in Ross, you’ll head off up through Mount Greenland with some magnificent views. Then down the Totara River up the old Ross Railway Line to Ruatapu, out onto the beach and down and around the Totara lagoon and down to the Miconui River.

That’s just the morning.

In the afternoon its off to Falls Creek, up Butlers Tram, into the moving swamp (That’s where The Good Bastards Challenge will take place) and down over into the Kokatahi River.

Man that’s a great three Days. Brian Piner (The Pinerman) will be the tail gunner with his bike having a winch to pull out any bastard that get stuck.

Participants need to brink something to eat and drink (no Grog allowed on the ride) a helmet sturdy pair of boots (no jandals or bare feet) and all bikes must have brakes.

As part of this we are developing the Good Bastards Code of Safety Conduct for the Muster and all other Rides as well.

There will be a bit of Good Bastards Beer floating around, and a real Ball Tearer of a T-Shirt for those that want a bloody good look around the traps.

 

www.wotzup.com

Good Bastards Cameron Walter, John McEwan and David Pennell report in on the
Canberra Fires

Well, you've probably seen the details on TV, so we won't go into detail about how Australia's capital city was the victim of one of the worst bushfire disasters in the history of the nation.

It's been described as the perfect fire, and if perfect means a fire that attacks on six fronts, throws it's embers into hundreds of spot fires, and ravages over 400 homes, well then the description is fitting.

Here in Canberra there's a sense of disbelief as the city is covered by a blanket of thick smoke. The residents of Canberra have often had a certain distance from nearly all of the natural disasters suffered by Australians. Sitting on your roof filling your gutters and wetting down the house seemed so unnatural.

Dave
-Resides in Gordon. Relatively safe from fires.
-Defended his wife's parents house near Point Hut Crossing where one of the fire fronts swept down and attacked the homes.
-Dave made the decision to stay and fight the fire, but before he knew it, he was out of his depth.
"One minute it was okay, and it was still okay, and then it wasn't okay anymore - there was no in between."
-Luckily for Dave, the wind changed and the fire went back on itself, and he was able to get out of there. The change of wind direction however, bought the fire towards Cameron.

Cameron
-Resides in Fadden. Relatively safe from fires.
-Defended his girlfriend's home in Kambah, which was more at risk.
-Fire got as close as 300m to her house, Cameron and his girlfriends father prepared all the houses in the street. Houses were lost a few streets up.
-Returned to Fadden when spot fires were set off in the pine forest across the road.
"I never thought on be on twenty different roofs defending a street from a bushfire. But we were lucky. Our houses are still standing, which is more than I can say for many others."

John
-Resides in Wanniassa, believed to be relatively safe from the fires.
-Lives opposite Farrer Ridge, where the fire that passed through Duffy, Chapman, Rivett, and Lyons ended up.
-Fire came as close as across the road, but did not take any houses in the street.
"I don't think the people who's houses are still standing should feel guilty - just be thankful that they got that lucky."

This morning another section was put on high alert as a fire raging to the west of north Canberra slowly approaches Belconnen and Gunghalin. 65km winds are predicted, and soaring temperatures will do nothing to ease the fight. Stay tuned to the crisis at the following address: http://www.esb.act.gov.au/media/bushfire.htm

Wish us luck Good Bastards!
 

Al's Relativity
My Topic of relativity this week is audacity. My favourite line on the subject is; “Lets not step on each others toes" said the ant to the Elephant.

Audacity comes with its own merits, yet few of the audacious of this world have the ability to capitalise on the gains their audaciousness can attract. And that is the point of relativeness here.

Before a mouse laughs at a cat, it must make sure it is near a hole. This chap Sweeney, he is an audacious bastard. I heard him say once; “If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.”

Audacity has power and magic for those that follow through. For those that don’t, they are just called smart arses. Even those that follow through must be impervious to the criticism of their audaciousness, or they will also be gathered into harvest by the ever present tall poppy cutters.

So for those that seek to move outside the square, the follow through of their audacious acts is not only their path to the outer dimension, it is also the only way they can stay there.

No Mystery Here

Everyone seems to be wondering why terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now...

No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No hooters, No BBQ, No hot-dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Then they have rags for clothes, towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors. 24 hour wailing from a guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas. You can't shave, your wife can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses, and veils at all times.

Someone else picks your bride, she smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you when you die it all gets better.

NO MYSTERY HERE.
 

Paul Teen Side On

Becoming A CIA Operative
The director of the CIA has to test three new agents, a 25-year-old, a 35-year-old, and a 45-year-old. He puts each of their wives in a different room. He hands the 25-year-old a gun and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 25-year-old says, "I can't do it. I love her too much."
The director hands the gun to the 35-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 35-year-old goes into the room, comes out after five minutes, and says, "I can't do it."
The director hands the gun to the 45-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 45-year-old goes into the room. Three shots ring out, and then there's the sound of scuffling and fighting.
The director runs into the room and sees the wife dead on the floor. He says, "What happened?"
The 45-year-old says, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death!"
 

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's.
Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have...
As children, we would ride in cars & even horse carts with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a ute on a warm day was always a special treat.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, & no brakes.!!!!
(Not to mention hitchhiking all over the place as a teenager!)
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps, with ball bearing, or pram wheels and then rode down the steepest hill's, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes, or a brick wall a few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning in summer and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
No cell phones. Unthinkable.
We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank lemonade and coke and cordial but we were never overweight...we were always outside playing.
We shared one bottle with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.
Also soggy cigarettes without filter tips, which tore your lips to shreds.
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, (what’s a TV?) video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones,
Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
Sometimes there were more people trying to join a sport team than spaces for members and not everyone made the team Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment.....
Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade or an exam and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors.
Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. (Wow)
They actually sided with the law, imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.!!!!
The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for. Seamus went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?” Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes!"...
 

Harsh things you can say to a man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK; we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (Giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

 

Attention Ladies!
Want to truly understand your man?
Just simply match the questions of "What A Man Says" with "What A Man Wants". Give yourself one point for each correct answer!

"What A Man Says"
1. "These flowers are for you."
2. "Can I have your number?"
3. "You look beautiful."
4. "I've enjoyed tonight."
5. "What we have is special."
6. "I love you."

"What A Man Wants"
A. Sex
B. Sex
C. Sex
D. Sex
E. Sex
F. Sex
 

Justa Walkin The Dog
Jane: I saw my ex out walking with his dog the other day.
Mary: Wait a minute! Your ex doesn't have a dog.
Jane: Oh, right! Well, that's just a matter of opinion.
 

NEW
From Time to time when the material is available we will be pasting this section of the cold hard perception of what is believed of the bulk of Good Bastards out there. Suggestions welcome but not necessarily posted.

A Spade is a Spade is a Spade

What about these over sensitive Sri Lankans.

They are getting their arses whipped in Australia in cricket, be that good or bad, depends on who you support.

Up until the Darren Lehmann debacle this week I was barracking for them hoping like hell the underdog would come through.

Not any more, now cop this for “weak as piss” sportsmanship. Lehmann got done on the pitch and was disgusted with himself and in the confines of the dressing room for crying out loud; he uttered the so-called slur of slurs “Black Bastard” or something very similar. That section of the media has hold of it now that doesn’t give two stuffs about reporting the truth and already have altered what was said. Darren Lehmann is probably only a few days away form being labelled a part of El Quado.

See no bastard can check if you are or aren’t so it’s a pretty safe call. Hooter alleges that the entire Sri Lanka team are part of an El Quado Plot

Now the toffee nose cricket council, obviously a bunch of politically correct bastards, so they’re straight down the dunny on the strength of it. Along with the tail between the leg Sri Lankans are all running around chattering like a bunch of masturbating monkeys.

Look I’m not racist; far from it I have no time for racist bastards. Since as far back as when I started full time work when I was twelve I can recall being called every white wanking bastard name my work and sports mate could lay there tongue too.

I would retaliate calling them all the black bastards, wog, chink, dago, rock ape names I could lay my tongue too. This was over a beer, when we having a serious debate we got really serious in the name-calling department. Did any one really give a shit? Of course not. Pity help the poor bastards if they did.

Name calling and expressing yourself was then and is now and has been at all times in between and for the foreseeable future is a national sport. In fact I think we will start a Good Bastards name-calling contest at one of our future events.

My experience and observation has been that any one of a coloured nature that responds to being called a black bastard is looking for the blue. Call them the King of England or the nice bloke from down the road or any frigging thing at all and it would also do it for them.

Yes it would be a different situation if it was in a schoolyard or it was in same race related vilification. Only an absolute moron would claim that is the case here.

I defy any bastard that has played any serious contact sport to support what is said in the dressing room as having anything to do with any bastard than those in there. And anything said in the dressing room has sweet FA to do with anyone outside the dressing room.

Heaven help us there are plenty of morons in the so-called positions of power and that is where this utter bullshit is fuelled.

But come on you Sri Lanka cricketers, for crying out loud, in your country you want to kill the cricketers who beat you. Who the friggen hell do you think you are you bunch of wankers. Piss off back to Ceylon and get a job putting tea in the tea bags if you can’t cop the heat out here.

Good on you Darren Lehmann. Express yourself say what you want and lets make the dressing room sacrosanct ground and off limits to all media and media comments. Too many wooses get upset if you say bum fart or buggar.

And those that can’t cop it, piss off out of it, if you want to stay go and check into the home for the mentally bewildered. They’re begging for folk like you.

And that is a spade is a spade is a spade this week.

 

Buggar
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the
doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

Three Story House Story
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a three-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a three-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the second story is ...'It's that time of the month."...and the third story is, "NO, we’ll wake the children.
 

Lotto

Well the bloody Lotto in Australia is making a few bastards very very rich. Problem is I’m not one of them even though I am in with a far better chance than most other bastards and it costs stuff all.

This weeks Top Prizes are:

Tuesday Night: FIVE BLOODY MILLION That’s OZ Lotto

Thursday Night: FIFTEEN BLOODY MILLION That’s Powerball

Saturday Night: FIVE BLOODY MILLION That’s Gold Lotto

I’m in this thing called the Syndicate club that guarantees you will have the sup on Tues and Sat because you have all of them in each Syndicate. And it guarantees you will have the Power Ball, because it takes all 45 of them.

For $13 bucks a week I'm in there with a helluva more lot chances than the poor buggars that rely entirely on a quick pick.

You Should Join The Good Bastards part of the Syndicate club by clicking here.
 

Heres what me mate Bolts has to say about it:

From: Bolts
Date: Tuesday, January 07, 2003 22:10:55
To: Paddy Sweeney
Subject: Good Aye!

Paddy,

What a pearler that Syndicate Club is. Thanks!

I joined up, and have had some wins already, but the good part is that I've got some good bastards to join up as well. Now they're having fun, and I'm playing Tuesday's, Thursday's and Saturday night's for nothing.

No doubt they'll do the same shortly - if not already.

Bewdy Newc.

Spot you later!

Bolts
 

Good Bastards Hall of Fame



Mal Garrod
 

You’ve read about him in Good Bastards, the larrikins guide to success. Some of you have met him at the Good Bastards Day at the Southland Hotel Hokitika last year. I have known him since 1966 and he was one of only four mates I had at my wedding.

He was the one responsible for me getting married with a black eye although he didn’t give it too me. (You’ll read about that in the seventh bastard in the forthcoming sequel to ‘The Larrikins Guide To Success”

Mal and I worked together for a while on the Snowy Mountain Scheme in Australia. We had some tremendous times, great times also in Sydney before and after the stint on the snowy.

We lost touch with one another in about 1975 and then lo and behold he pops up at last years Good Bastards Day.

It certainly won’t be the last, I know where the bastard is now and so a session or two will be forthcoming in the not too distance future.

Heres to you Mal and the many good times we shared and those that are yet to be.

Send me an email ya Good Bastard. paddy@goodbastards.com 

 

Some Irish Jokes From Dan Santoro in Florida.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy? Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please
Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".
 

Believe it or not... these are sculptures made from sand!

The Best Comeback Line Ever.........
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Why the titanic sank.

Little Paddy
The teacher had the class gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.

She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. She heard little Paddy say very softly "damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don't say that in school."
Little Paddy looked at the teacher, his eyes got very big and he said,
"Not even when things are all f***ed up?!"

 

Gidday you Good Bastards...

1st up, a question... If a woman is uncomfortable watching me masturbate, should she:
a) Get to know me better?
b) Stop being such a prude?
c) Find another seat on the bus?

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

A woman from Greymouth, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.
As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"
"Well," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman.
"One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12" - to - 14" behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said, "I'm not sure about your husband, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"

Not long after his marriage, Bloody Leo Jnr. and his father Bloody Leo Snr., met for lunch.
"Well son," asked Bloody Leo senior, "How is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Bloody Leo junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Bloody Leo senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Bloody Leo smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied Bloody Leo senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

A teacher was giving a lesson in sex education to her standard 3 class.
After showing a brief film and reading the lesson, she asked if anyone had any questions.
One little boy held up his hand shyly. "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex?"
"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.
A little girl raised her hand. "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex?"
"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.
Little Johnny then raised his hand. "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with Sylvester Stallone. Is that sex?"
"No, that was not sex," the teacher replied.
"Good," Little Johnny replied. "I always thought it would take more than three guys to f*** Stallone in the ass."
Happy trails....
Nick

 

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Last word from Paddy
Well there is not left for me to say. So this week we are introducing on a trial basis The Task Force Form. It is where you can have you say on line. We require a certain amount of decorum and wont allow the F word or the C word. Open Racist remarks will be deleted as too anything that is blatantly untrue or we think is offensive. (Hooter reckons that gives a fair amount of scope). The forum will go on line later this week - watch your inboxes.
 

This week’s wacky site is
One for our Aussie members sent this. Check out where all the speed cameras are in your area. Dirty rotten revenue grabbing bastards. A pox on them all.
www.roadwatch.com.au
 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 27/01/2003

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