Coming to you from the deck chair by the pool in sunny Queensland.

Thought for the day: "The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later."

The Good Bastards Flag Ship

One of the original Good Bastards Pat Condon has claimed the honour of owning the FLAG SHIP of the Good Bastards Fleet. Mind you it is not quite as big of a deal as you might first think. Inasmuch, it is the only boat in the fleet. But what a ripper it is.

Pat and Mike Alford had an earlier boat for transport to and from The Good Bastards Hilton located on an undisclosed South Westland Glacier fed river. They have a seasonal infliction called Whitebaiting. Something that is quite contagious and despite the frustratingly evident side affects and buggar all bait for most participants, people queue up to catch the affliction.

Good Bastards, the boat looks good, is good and is highly functional in its designated use.

The earlier boat didn’t appear to have a name and no bastard thought to give it one. It had its origins of Good Bastard Ted Gibb. When Ted sold up his farm at Franz Josef and headed north to the Motueka area, the boat was put up for sale.

It was a great boat and did an enormous amount of faithful work. In the last couple of years though the frustrations of shagged motors and other bits and pieces, it became evident, that the old bastard was putting its hand up for retirement.

Pat looked for months to buy a suitable replacement and eventually settled on having “Good Bastard” built.

It is a sleek fast craft and even with a load of fat bastards, copious quantities of piss and a massive amount of great tucker, she gets up and planes in an instant. The 20 minute ride to the Good Bastards Hilton is every bit as good if not better than the shot over jet. Pat or Mike could give their best drivers a run for the money, dodging, logs, stumps, shallow water and floating debris when the Good Bastards River has a bit of a fresh in it.

Maybe we could have a bit of a contest later in the year related to all this and give some Good Bastard a taste of what real living is all about.

Greg Davidson has his views as to what the boat is all about.
www.wotzup.com
 

 

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals!
Eleven: No matter the storm, there's always a rainbow waiting.
 

ALBERT's "Now this is bloody relevant!"
Statistics, that wonderful thing that the Politically Correct and others flash in our faces to prove a point. Well I’m here to tell you that they are all a crock of crap.

For example, we all have a 100% of living and a 100% chance of dying.

A statistic is nothing more than a precise conclusion from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.

There are statistics that wedding cake diminishes sexual desire! 99% of smokers die before reaching 100. All generalisations are false, including this one. If 25% of road accidents are caused by drunk drivers, then those who don’t drink cause 75% of the accidents.

Statistics show that two out three people suffer from mental illness. That means two of your best mates are okay and you are nuts. Not only that half the people in the world are below average. (I would have thought it was higher than that! Paddy.)

The word statistic was formulated from a Latin word, hat means “Baffle hem with bullshit”

In conclusion here is a task for you: Every second of everyday a woman gives birth. She must be found and stopped immediately.

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

A Shaggy Dog Story
A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?"
The man says," I'll have a pint," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink, too." "The cat replies, 'I'll have a half, but I ain't payin!'"
So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please."
The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, "But I ain't payin!'"
Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enters again.
"The same?" asks the barman.
"Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't payin!'"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket.
As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well," says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "what did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."
"That's right, whether it's a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir. err, your friends there ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"
The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
 

Kumara Races

Hec Sinclair and Tira Denton are great fans of the Kumara Races Hec has been a committee Member since 1947 and was club president for 14 years.

The Kumara Races are an institution and are also on the same day as Saint Pam and my Wedding Anniversary. Thirty-four years just clocked up, struth if Hitler had of lived he wouldn’t have got that long.

Good Bastard Ginger Connors with the effervescent laugh is the president and said he was expecting a heap of Good Bastards to turn up. And around 12000 did.

It is one of the most Unique race meetings in New Zealand, Rain or Fine it is a great day, for drinking grog, meeting up with old mates and meeting a few new ones. The only hard bit is picking a winner, because some bastard in the know tells you which one it will be. By the time you get to the Tote, every horse in the race has been tipped as the best bet of the day.

Kerry Heveldt, of New Zealand Rent a Car and Greenfield Motors have a tent full of Grog and steak, They are probably still there eating and drinking and having a bloody good time.

I opened up a TAB account on the Internet and actually made a couple of hundred on the day. Never done that on any racecourse.

Reckon I’ll be there next year. How about you?

Thirty Four Bloody Years Later

Telemarketers
I think I have found the best way to handle telephone solicitors.

All you have to do is agree to buy what they are selling if they will let you call them back at THEIR home during THEIR dinner.

THE BUFFALO THEORY

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing
the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

Well you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
 

Cat Circles

A CNN reporter went to Israel to cover the fighting.
She was looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like the man in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square.
In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who'd been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time, so she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"What do you pray for?"
"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?

" -------Like I'm talking to a friggen wall."
 

Good Bastards Hall of Fame
 

Barry and Judy Wilson (with the Sweeney in the middle)

You have read about Barry in the book Good Bastards, the larrikins guide to Success. He was the bloke that walked off the job in a sawmill in South Westland and picked up a couple of Hitchhikers and took them to Franz. Of course nothing happened, Bloody Leo.

It was a few years later that Barry met up with Judy and they did the deed and were married. Nearly as long as others herein mentioned.

I first met Barry when I was about 11 and we played in the South Westland schoolboys Rugby team. A massive honour back in those days.

We worked in a couple of sawmills together including the famous Levetts Mill in Hari Hari.

Barry is one of the three on the cover of the Good Bastards book shooting up the dunny. You will be able to recognise which one is Barry from the photo.

Barry and Judy and their two sons own and operate the Glass Factory in Hokitika. A very successful tourist attraction. If you’re in the area, go in and make yourself known as another Good Bastard.

Barry is currently putting together a Good Bastards Event involving four-wheel bikes. More on that in a future issue. You would have seen him on the Good Bastards sixty minutes program roaring around with Peter Campion and myself up in the bush and hills back of Hokitika.

Heres to you, Barry and Judy. A couple of great Good Bastards

Cheers

Now This Is Real Stealth Technology

Interesting reading, it pretty much sums up this whole Bush and War Debacle that we have rammed down our throats every day.

Nuclear Policy: Moral Clarity
or Double Standards?
By Muqtedar Khan, Ph.D.

Have you ever seen an alcoholic preaching abstinence and advocating prohibition?
Just listen to President George W. Bush the commander-in-chief of a military force that not only possesses and maintains nearly 10,000 nuclear weapons but also boasts an array of weapons of mass destruction, including chemical and biological, lecturing the world on the threat from Iraq and North Korea and on the virtues of nuclear non-proliferation. American hypocrisy on this subject runs much deeper.
Level one: The US continues to remain the number one proliferator of weapons in terms of marketing. Even in regions such as the Middle East where peace is deemed crucial to American interests, America is the number one exporter of advanced weapons including strategic fighters (such as F-16s) and missiles to both sides – Israel and Arabs.
Level two: The US continues to remain the number one proliferator of weapons in terms of technology. The US was not only the first to produce nuclear weapons but to date remains the only nation in the world to have used nuclear weapons, more than once. Even now, long after the end of the cold war, it continues to possess chemical and biological weapons and has just announced a massive new missile system that will enhance its global military domination in turn facilitating an enhanced unilateralist posture. It will also ensure a new arms race by triggering the security dilemma for other nations wary of Washington.
Level three: On nuclear proliferation it continues to have very close relations with nations that have refused to sign the nuclear non-proliferation treaty such as India, Pakistan and Israel and are widely known to possess significant nuclear arsenals (Israel is reputed to have anywhere between 50-200 illegal nukes), but is determined to intimidate and punish nations which evidently do not have any nuclear weapons but merely nuclear ambitions, such as Iran and Iraq. All Iran and Iraq want to do is emulate the country.
Level four: The US has constantly accused Iraq and Iran of nursing an unquenchable thirst for nuclear weapons. American propagandists have also argued that these nations desire these weapons of mass destruction for the explicit purpose of using them against the US and its allies (read Level five: In his first State of the Union address, President Bush made his intentions clear about the so called “axis of evil”, Iran, Iraq and North Korea. He was determined to eliminate their capacity to threaten America.
On many levels America’s present policies raise questions about its moral clarity. Washington articulates policy in idealistic terms but applies it in realistic fashion. If the objective is to limit the proliferation of nuclear weapons then the US must continue to pressure those who already have them (India, Pakistan and Israel) and those who are about to have them (North Korea) just as much if not more than those who aspire for them (Iraq and Iran). And if nuclear weapons are indeed seen as a danger.
Presidential candidate George W. Bush had promised that if elected his administration would provide “moral clarity” in foreign policy. I am now reminded of another Presidential candidate George H. Bush who had promised “read my lips; no more taxes”.

Dr. Muqtedar Khan is Director of International Studies at Adrian College. He is the author of the recent book American Muslims: Bridging Faith and Freedom, http://www.glocaleye.org
 

Another Of John Gibbs Fairy Tales
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf" taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to have a shit!"
 

Little Paddy
Little Paddy was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually he slept through the class. One day the teacher called on him while he was napping "Tell me, Little Paddy, who created the universe?"

When Little Paddy didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind him, took a pin and jabbed him in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Little Paddy and the teacher said, "Very good" and Little Paddy fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Little Paddy, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"

But, Little Paddy didn't even stir from him slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck him again.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Little Paddy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Little Paddy fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Little Paddy a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after he had him twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed him with the pin.

This time Little Paddy jumped up and shouted,

"IF YOU STICK THAT FOOKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR BLODDY ARSE !!!

The Teacher fainted.!!

Gidday you Good Bastards...

I was talking to me mate Rog one day. I said, "I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."
Rog said, "So what happened?"
I said, "Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to take a piss. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit down to piss?"
Rog said, "Why would he want you to sit to piss?"
I said, "Well, with my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."

There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good." replied the daughter, "I only got 20 dollars for a blow job."
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day, we were glad to get 5 dollars for a blow job!"
"Good God!" said the Grandmother, "In my day, we were glad to just get something warm in our stomachs!"

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my eye!"

Nick Trott D.T.M.R.O.G.B

 

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

This week’s wacky site is
There are good sites and there are bad sites. This is one that applies to so many of you Good Bastards I think you should go and have a look. Click Here.
Please note: This weeks wacky site is in actual fact a power point file. in2ITive Technology guarantees that this file is error and virus free for all you Good Bastards.
 
 

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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Last Update: 19/01/2003

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