Issue 63 - December 30 2002

Thought for the day: "If you wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes. If you don't wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes."

The pope gives a Christmas message, the Queen gives a christmas message and what a dollop of diatribe they both were.
The poor old pope on what looks like his last legs calling for world peace. For crying out loud why doesn’t he call for a culling of the paedophiles in his own church?

The Queen fronts up and says absolute nothing for I don’t know how long because I never lasted the distance. So I thought stuff it, I’ll have a shot at a new years message for Good Bastards.

There was a big beer conference of all the big knobs of beer in new Zealand and after the days discussions we all headed down to the bar for a beer.

The head of Lion asked for a Lion Red, the Head of DB ordered Monteiths and so it went with all the knobs ordering their own brews.

Then it came to my turn and I ordered a Coca-Cola. “Why are you doing that?” they all chorused like a bunch of ducks looking for the season.

“Well” I replied, if you blokes aren’t going to drink Beer then neither am I.

It has been a superb year for Good Bastards. Among that which happened were these.

• Good Bastards, the larrikins guide to Success continued to sell well.

• Its A Bloody Try Ya Bastard was published and reached top ten status with the 50 strong chain Paper Plus with sales over Fathers Day.

• We had a couple of almighty promotions with the Blues Brews and BBQ’s in Blenheim and Christchurch.

• Sixty minutes NZ did a great program on Good Bastards.

• Good Bastards Dark Ale was awarded “THE BEST BOTTLED DARK ALE IN AUSTRALIA AND NEW ZEALAND” at the NZ beer awards.

• The inaugural Good Bastards World Cup was held at Nunweek Park in Christchurch and was won by the Mighty Merlin Maulers from the Merrivale club.

• The date was set for the second Good Bastards World Cup to be held in Christchurch on the week of August 19th 2003

• The third book “The Good Bastards Huge Joke Book was launched and it immediately sold well

• The exclusive Good Bastards Rugby jersey was made available for purchase.

• The Good Bastards – Rugby Chicks Tournament was held in Westport.

• The competition to find the Funniest Joke in the world was held and was sponsored by The Sunday News and the Rock Radio Station

• Paddys Friday Funnies commenced on Radio Scenic land and was sponsored each week by Kerry Heveldt of Greenfield Motors and NZ Rentacar in Greymouth

• Good bastards Day was held in Hokitika and a world record attempt to jump ten cars by Birchy in his Centurion tank attracted enormous publicity from the media and figured on two lots of mainstream News, several newspapers and countless Radio Stations.

• The first Good Bastards Day off the west coast was held at the mighty Avoca Hotel at Upokongaro ten K’s up the Wanganui River

• The Good Bastards photographic competition “Helen Didn’t Sign this” was held and won by Paul Teen and Gary Hutchison with Paul’s arse crack on a Good Bastards Beer Box and Helen written just to the right of his arse crack.

• Channel Seven’s Getaway program from Australia featured an item on Good Bastards Beer.

• We claimed Queens Birthday weekend and renamed it Good Bastards Birthday Weekend. It was reported in papers throughout NZ Australia, Ireland and even made it, complete with a picture of Liz to The Sunday Mirror In England.

• The Good Bastards Hunt for the Funniest Bastard in New Zealand was launched.

• The announcement of the Good Bastards Comedy and Beer Festival was announced. It is to be held on Good Bastards Birthday weekend in June in Christchurch.

• Mike King (Last weeks Good Bastards Hall of Fame) started wearing his Good Bastards Exclusive Rugby Jersey, no 13, on a game of two halves

• Paddy was interviewed by Nick and Rog from the morning Rumble on the Rock about twenty times.

• The Good Bastards web site cracked 20 000 hits in its first full year.

• Good Bastards Beer distribution expands right throughout New Zealand

• Pat Condon buys a new Jet Boat and christens it Good Bastards. More on that next week.

• The Good Bastards Rugby Club was formed and it aimed at becoming the largest Rugby Club in the world.

• The most Recent Order of Good Bastards passes the 500 members mark

• THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT BY FAR was the decision to establish a chain of Good Bastards Bar and Grills throughout Australia and New Zealand was made. An initial group of eight has funded the formation of the business plan by Ernst and Young. The first one will open in Christchurch later in 2003. The company that will be formed will be owned and operated by Good Bastards. It will be funded by professional investors and various members of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards. Keep an eye out for more on this.

As you can see it has been a great year. I reckon we have far more to crow about than the Queen and the Pope combined.

What will this coming year hold?

Well there are many things planned and there will bound to be a number of things that will come out of the woodwork as well.

Keep posted to this site for some MAJOR announcements throughout the year. It is going to a RIPPER.

Go You Good Bastard!

We thought we would get a few, but we had a massive amount of replies for The Good Bastards Huge Joke Book Competition

Some of the entries were fantastic and some, well, we couldn’t print them here, but we all had a bloody good laugh anyway. Congratulations to all the winners, and yes Bloody Leo, ya analytical bastard, I can count.

Marco van Winden
Remuera Auckland
New Zealand

Rod Horton
Hamilton
New Zealand

Roy Mclauchlan
Nelson
New Zealand

Brian Lukacs
Titirangi, Auckland,
New Zealand

Tony Rose
Greystanes. NSW
Australia

Colleen Carver
Wellington
New Zealand

The Age Ole Debate
“A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

Bloody Leo stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the Hokitika River. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices Bloody Leo and says, "Mister, are you ready to find G-zus?"
Bloody Leo looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks him under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found G-zus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said Bloody Leo.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found G-zus?"

"No, I did not!" said Bloody Leo again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds poor old Bloody Leo under for at least 90 seconds this time, brings him up and booms with a demanding voice, "For the grace of God, have you found G-ZUSSS yet?!!!??"

Bloody Leo wipes his eyes, spluttering and farting and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

ALBERT

What’s relative this time of the year, is that there is another bastard
About to pop up and give us all another shot at being better than we
have been. All is not lost, as some might think.

Many folk are hoping for a better one.

The laws of cause and effect not time govern years.
If you keep doing what you have always been doing, then you will
always get what you have always got.

So what’s relative here is this; you have to change your life, then
you have to change the way you think about things.

It is that easy and also that difficult.

I don’t do my arse, because I never bet that much.
Horses, hard to win much, have to outlay a lot. Not for me. Although I get into the Melbourne Cup or when mates have a horse running.
Casino, occasional wins seldom compensate for the losses. Not for me.
Lotto, well it’s the hardest to win, but it doesn’t cost much. But if and when it comes home, hey, its party time to say the least. If I don’t win, I enjoyed the thoughts of the possibility of winning and it doesn’t cost much.

That’s why I like playing in the OZ power syndicate. The odds are much better, I’m in the three of the biggest lotto’s in Australia and the most it can cost me is about thirteen bucks a week.
IT GETS BETTER: If you encourage someone else to join the program, your contribution reduces by 20%, encourage 5 and your playing for free. Click on http://www.tsc2000.com/?PS0945sweeno
The 28 million went off on last Saturday night, there were 19 winning tickets sharing the dosh each getting $1 500 000.00. While the Thursday night Powerball jackpots to 5 million and the OZ Lotto on Tuesday is also 5 million.
Get your share now, I pay my whack automatically off my credit card each month. You can do the same. It is all above board as far as I am concerned.

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives

TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.
There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. Have you ever wondered about THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS? (No Steve, I never have. – Paddy)

What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge that won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas? Today, I found out. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.
It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality, which the children could remember.
The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.
The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of
the Old Testament.
The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit: Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments.
The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in The Apostles' Creed.
Clever huh?
So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...

What a wonderful excuse to have snother beer. Afore I continue.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving due to the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, BUT, naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weakest brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
(Geez Steve and I thought you were just an ugly bastard)

Winner of the 8 six packs of Good Bastards Beer
Delivered to your door by
www.shopnaked.com

Bart took out the competition for this month. There were a great number of entries from all over the place. It wasn’t easy to choose the best reason why we should drink Good Bastards Beer. Bart’s though had a great ring to it, whadda ya recon?

Nothing sounds better than walking up to the bar and saying "You are what you drink. Give me a Good Bastard!"

Ponderings of a Good Bitch or is she a Bad Bitch

Behind every successful woman is herself

Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels

A woman is like a tea bag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career

So many men, so few who can afford me

Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich

Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen

I’m out of oestrogen and I have a gun

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time

Do not start with me. You will not win

All stressed out and no one to choke

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

And last but not least:

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen

Bloody Hell
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their young children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mum. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go

Don't Say That
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group.
After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.
She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there.
She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly,” We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said,
"Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

Second Thoughts
After her death, Mrs. Collins arrives at heaven's gate and is shown into the waiting room. Twenty minutes pass, and suddenly she hears a blood-curdling scream.
"What was that?" she asks St. Peter.
"Oh, don't worry," he replies, "that was just Mrs. Evans. They're drilling holes in her shoulders for her wings."
Another twenty minutes pass, and again Mrs. Collins hears a blood-curdling scream. Again she asks St. Peter what's going on.
"Relax," he says, "that's just Mrs. White. They're drilling holes in her head for her halo."
"Now just a minute," Mrs. Collins says. "I'm beginning to have second thoughts about staying here in heaven. Maybe I'd be better off if I went to hell."
"Oh no," answered the good saint, "you wouldn't want to do that. They treat women horribly down there. They'll rape you and sodomize you..."
"Maybe so," she shot back, "but I've already got holes for those things!"

Lost My Wife
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

Good Bastards Task Force
Dedicated to fixing up Political Correctness, Stupid Government and Greedy Big Business

Endangered species need to be protected, no doubt about that. However, I think you should read this little press item about endangered species in New Zealand. Especially the bit about the 1080 poisoning.

New Zealand has one of the highest rates of extinct species and endangered species of any country, mainly because of the effects of humans and introduced species.
Royal Forest and Bird Protection Society conservation director Eric Pyle said the report showed many species were moving closer to extinction, including the six species of kiwi, as well as kakas, blue ducks and yellowheads.
Aerial 1080 poison drops to control pests were the only way to prevent many native bird species from becoming extinct, Mr Pyle said.
"New Zealand has a major extinction crisis on our hands. We need to get better at controlling pests and do more of it, and we need to control fishing more effectively."

Who is this person,? Hooter wants to know if his name is Richard Cranium? It is well know on the West Coast, where I hail from, where the Department Of Conservation have dropped hundreds of tonnes of 1080 that it has wiped out the bird population. (If they keep this up we will rename them the Department of Stupidisation)
When I was a kid there were birds (feathered variety) everywhere, they were thick and plentiful and their singing abounded.
By comparison; today the birds on the West Coast are sparse as rocking horse shit.
New Zealand uses something like 98% of the world’s use of 1080.
Other countries have banned it because it kills other birds and animals.

The New Zealand Government and the Royal Forest and Bird Protection Society seem to be at odds with the rest of the world on this, so in the meantime the native bird population of New Zealand is currently being wiped out.
A bit like getting a Michael Jackson in to do your baby-sitting.

Always Tell The Truth
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nobody in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night".
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is:
"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed"

Paddy, Kerbs and Hyndsie
Paddy, Kerbs and Hyndsie were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Paddy won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Kerbs was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Hyndsie won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Hyndsie asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Paddy. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Kerbs. "And how's the toilet brush, Hyndsie?"

"Not so good," Hyndsie said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

An Anonymous contribution
Love Poems

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, cause I was pissed

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space

I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

I’d be anonymous too if I had written that.
Paddy

Kerry Heveldt
After a morning at Mahanipu Creek Kerry Heveldt is walking up from under the bridge carrying a bucket full of Whitebait. He is approached by the Ranger who asks him, “What do you have there, don’t you know it is illegal to catch whitebait in this creek?”

Kerry replies "I didn't catch these whitebait, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water let the whitebait spend a couple hours in the water. When I whistle, they stick their heads out of the water and when I hold the bucket down near the water they all jump out of the water and into the bucket.”

The Ranger, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish in the Mahanipu Creek.

Kerry turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the whitebait back into the water.

The Ranger says, "Now whistle for the whitebait and show me they jump out of the water."

Heveldt says, "What whitebait?"

The Qantas Steward
On the way to Phuket, the Qantas passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, So if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, He noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Wayne and Judy Chapman

Wayne (Chappie) Chapman on the left and another Good Bastard Mickey Meyers on the right

It’s a bloody shame really that some of these blokes never take there wives out. If they did I would be able to get a photo of them as well. Case in point is Steve McQueen Look-alike Wayne Chapman who has yet to be caught out with his wife.

Mores the shame by she is a good-looking woman.

Wayne, also known as Chappie, is an ardent supporter of Good Bastards and his name appears in here from time to time for his contribution or witty comment.

Long time Residents of Brisbane; Wayne and Judy have a building business although Judy is more involved in the education system and Wayne belts in the nails.

Wayne has a reputation of being a bloody good builder and the best of my knowledge nothing he has built has fallen down.

Wayne told me once that, he was not an alcoholic, they go to meetings.

One of the more famous things he was heard to say was in the bomb shelter, under the storey bridge; “If the barman appears blurred, its because you are seeing him through the bottom of your glass and its time for you to shout ya bastard.”

Good on ya Wayne and Judy, heres a toast to the thirst that’s yet to come.

Cheers

The self thought it was about time I gave you some advice about fat bastards. Firstly; never be frighten of being seen with a fat bastard, as it isn’t contagious. Not only that, Bulimia is evidence that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Hows that for an entrée.

A fat person is someone who exceeds the feed limit on a regular basis.

The trouble with bucket seats in cars is that mot everyone has the same size bucket.

You could say obesity is wide spread, well you can’t say it actually, account of I just did.

I said to this fat bastard the other day, stand up and let two people sit down.

I knew this fat Shelia when I was young; it was like having two girl friends at once, know what I mean!

Now here is your dessert; you know you can always trust a fat man, as he will never stoop to anything low.

At the end of all diets the path curves back to the trough.

Getting good at this.

Spot ya

Little Paddy

Little Paddy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
Little Paddy replied, "Beer rugby and women!"

Gidday you Good Bastards

I am reading Paddy's new joke book at the moment. Here's a few he missed but...

Why did God create brunettes?
So ugly men wouldn't be left out.

How many Afghans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None...they don't have any power!

You know you're getting old when for one of her New Year's resolutions you
wife decides to give up sex, and you don't find out until Easter.

Why did the Kiwi?
'Cos he saw the Kakapo.

Anyway...

Hope ya had a great pissed Christmas.

Nick

Last word from Paddy
Here is a quote from a news item in the Australian Papers on Boxing Day.
“Israel agreed with the United States in 1969 not to declare its nuclear weapons programs nor to test the weapons.
In return, Washington pledged not to pressure Israel to sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.
Experts say Israel possesses at least 200 nuclear warheads and the means to use them in an attack.”
An indisputable fact is the influence that the Jews have over America. They control the banks, the real estate, the largest companies and indirectly the government.
The Jews have this ongoing scrap with Palestine. Who’s right who’s wrong I am not going to suggest here.
What I will suggest is solve the problem with the Jews and the Palestine’s and the terrorist will disappear over night. Of course that is not going to happen given the Jewish influence over America.
This scrap with Saddam about weapons of mass destruction is a smoke screen that we get belted into our brains on a daily basis via the media. Over 50 countries have weapons of mass destruction. None of them have them for museum items.
An extreme view that I had put to me recently, that I don’t necessarily agree with, is that in the future we will refer to the black hole that once was the Middle East.
The aforementioned news item would suggest that if it were to happen, we wouldn’t have to guess who caused it if it were to happen.
Where does this leave us poor bastards down here? As long as we don’t go panting along like little dogs behind big George, we should be ok. We will have a tear though for those less fortunate.

This week’s wacky site is
We live in a great part of the world, no doubt about that. These poor bastards in Mexico don’t quite have the same freedom and their punishment; well it can really cause some problems. Click here to find out more ……….

Many Thanks

Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material.

If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution.

All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given.

Many Thanks!

Paddy Sweeney

LINKS !
The Best Pub on the Planet	Paddys other business	The best way to play Australian Lotto three times a week
Good Bastards Drag Racing Team	Wild Foods Festival	Rugby Racing and Beer
Wacky Sites	Bon's Topsitelist Category	Wotzup Australia

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Monday December 30th 2002 ISSUE #63
*Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.*
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Things you should check out on the site Before you bugger off home...

Things you should check out on the site
Before you bugger off home...