Issue 62 - December 23 2002

Thought for the day: "Australia wouldn’t be in such strife with it’s racial situation if the aboriginals had adopted stronger immigration laws in the first place."

Christmas is about happiness. The relative factor is that happiness is
an inside job. It comes through the door you forgot to close.

It’s contagious so make sure you spread plenty of it around.

People are at their happiest when they are doing right, it’s hard to be
happy when you are doing wrong. It’s better to see happiness through
another’s eyes. Unfortunately few ever figure this out. That is why
there are so many unhappy bastards out there.

Selfishness is the catalyst to unhappiness. Not some of the time;
all of the time.

Christmas is a good time to stop pursuing happiness and it will
catch up with you. It’s a by product of doing something worth while.
This includes doing it for others.

I am happy because I think I am.
What about You?
Therein lies the relative factor

Jack looks like he will cop another Oscar again this year

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The Los Angeles Film Critics on Saturday picked drama "About Schmidt," starring Jack ‘Good Bastard’ Nicholson (news), as the year's top movie, splitting the two major critics' awards so far as the 2002 Hollywood movie awards season heads into a pivotal week with more honours ahead.
In "Schmidt" Nicholson plays a 66 year-old retiree on a search for meaning in his life.
Nicholson shared best actor honours with Daniel Day-Lewis (news) for the widely anticipated Martin Scorcese drama "Gangs of New York." With the shared award, there was no runner-up in that category. The Los Angeles Critics Association, a group of 50 local movie reviewers, are among the first of the major critics' organizations this year to put out their annual award list. Still to come this week is the New York Film Critics.

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son".

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".

Two Questions.....
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who already had 8 kids three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Decide on your answer and read on.......
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three Leading candidates:
Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
• Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
• Candidate B is Winston Churchill
• Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
• And by the way: the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes..........
.........you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, Professionals built the Titanic.

Paddy
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany during the World Cup
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite,Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the doorframe.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus...I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For shit sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F**KIN PORRIDGE YET !!"

The Caring Farmer
A farmer stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who asked, "Can you tell me how to get to number 15 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 16 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Coupla Good Women
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.
As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her arse that read, "We will never forget you".

I don’t do my arse, because I never bet that much.
Horses, hard to win much, have to outlay a lot. Not for me.
Casino, occasional wins seldom compensate for the losses. Not for me.
Lotto, well it’s the hardest to win, but it doesn’t cost much. But if and when it comes home, hey, its party time to say the least. If I don’t win, I enjoyed the thoughts of the possibility of winning and it doesn’t cost much.

That’s why I like playing in the OZ power syndicate. The odds are much better, I’m in the three of the biggest lotto’s in Australia and the most it can cost me is about thirteen bucks a week.
IT GETS BETTER: If you encourage someone else to join the program, your contribution reduces by 20%, encourage 5 and your playing for free.
Click Here to find out all about it

Last Thursday Power ball had two winners. Both received over 8 Million.
Next Tueday OZ Lotto is worth 3 Million
Then on Saturday the Gold Lotto is worth 25 Million

Christmas is Cancelled

Dear all,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

As for those politically correct bastards that are trying to get me abolished. Good On them I say. Ive been doing this for a few hundred years and need a break for a century or so.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asrse down to K Mart before everything is gone.

Sincerely,

Santa Claus

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WIVES

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad; they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater or air conditioner.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29. Dogs are not allowed in Harrods or Harvey Nics.

30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half (OR ALL) your stuff!!!!!!

31. If you give a dog plastic, it will chew it, not run up a
f**king huge bill.

Matters had progressed to the point where the young bastard and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.

"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the young lady. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."

He Said / She said
1) He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
2) He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!
3) He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
4) He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
5) He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said ... I would but you're never there.
6) On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I do not"

Let's pick on the guys for a change.....
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a sl*t.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "
"So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?” God says: "So she would love you."

Don't Try To Outsmart A Woman
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A woman cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the cashier was that told him about his 'barracks' door.

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The woman (being smarter than a man) said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."

One For The Aussies

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian.

They are all very nervous and pacing the floor as you do in these situations. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes each other. "

The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And," said the doctor, "they have all had little boys."

The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and we would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."

With that the Aussie raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying,

"There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"

The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent.

"That's as maybe," said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is a f#cking Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk."

Who Was the kill joy politically correct arse that knock this party on the head!!!!!

Celebrity head, and what a bloody head it is, Mike King has cracked the big time making it to the Good Bastards Hall of Fame.

Mike can been spotted on various TV shows around NZ spinning his views on … well, just about anything.

You can even see him on the game of two halves advertising Good Bastards by wearing his no 13 Good Bastards Jersey. (Have you ordered yours yet?)

As Mike said to me once, “How can I have a decent conversation when you keep talking.”

Drawing on my fine command of the intellect and language I said nothing.

Here are a few of Mike thoughts on life.

Luck, yes of course I believe in Luck, how else do my enemies succeed.

What would have happened if Noah had missed the boat?

If all things are possible, how come you can’t unscramble scrambled eggs?

Trying to teach a pig to sing is a waste of time and it annoys the hell out of the pig.

Good onya Mike, thanks for your support and welcome to The Good Bastards Hall Of Fame. You have finally made it.

Of all the things I miss the most I miss my memory the most. And there is none happier than Sweeney about that. Shit I use to know some shit about him. Of course he knows nothing about me, I was a saint. Always was and always will be.

That’s one thing I CAN remember.

You know if you think twice before you speak, everybody is talking about someone else. Mind you if half the bastards had of listened the first time they would have heard what I meant to say.

Now I am going to give you one of the big secrets in life. This secret has stood me in good stead since I was young and that’s a long long long time ago, so far ago I can’t even remember it.

Today is what happened to tomorrow yesterday, no it wasn’t that, but that just came to me and I thought it was worth passing on.

What the bloody hell was it ……………. Linda, c’mere a minute will ya !!!!!

Little Paddy
Little Paddy and his mate were little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10.
They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
Paddys mother heard that a real tough priest was passing through the area and had been successful in disciplining children, so the parents asked if he would speak with their boys. The tough priest agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, Little Paddy was sent in first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the tough priest in the afternoon.

The tough priest, a huge man with a head on him like a wildebeest and had a booming voice. He sat little Paddy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The tough priest repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, little Paddy made no attempt to answer.
So, the tough priest raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
Little Paddy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his mate found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
Little Paddy gasping for breath, replied:
"We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Gidday you good bastards...

How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh? Stick two fingers in his honey.

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Last word from Paddy
Well Its all but here and by the time some of you read this it will be gone. What is it. It’s the bloated gut on Christmas day. You start off eating the chocolates that someone gave you that already knew you were on a diet and were weak as piss. Then it’s a bit of ham on toast. Its so bloody good you have a bit more. Then into the chocs and why not, lets open the short bread. What about the cake, better have a piece of cake. And what about those chocolaty ball things wrapped in Gold Foil at about 2 bucks each. Geez they’re good.

Folk arrive, bringing more sweets, cherries and nuts so you can’t be ignorant so you eat them.

Time for the first Good Bastards Beer and someone pops a bottle of Moet. At that price you have to have one. More nuts, chips and dip and cheese and crackers while the yackity yak blah blah gets cranked up and all the goodwill about every other poor bastard is talked about.

Time for the Chrissie dinner,; seafood this year, Oysters, Prawns, Bugs, Whitebait, Crayfish, Mussels. By the time you chomp thr4ough all that and the half a dozen salads, the garlic sticks and variety of ten breads, well the bloat is starting to set in.

Slurp slurp, more beer, Moet, and finally the cheap champagne but plenty of it.

No sooner than the Chrissie dinner is over and an urge to sleep and fart arrives. That’s not going to happen, what with screaming kids and the “You must have some of this” Pavlova, Christmas pudding, cream, ice cream, fruit salad, cheese cake and apple sponge, which of course you have a bloody great dollop of.

Bloat firmly set in now.

Then you slip away to the bedroom for the much needed sleep and fart session. Knowing full well you will be in the shit for being an ignorant bastard and leaving.

Ah well ……. No wonder there are so many fat bastards out there. Not that I’m one of them.

Many Thanks

Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material.

If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution.

All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given.

Many Thanks!

Paddy Sweeney

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Before you bugger off home...

Monday December 23rd 2002 ISSUE #62
*Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.*
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