Issue 58 - November 25 2002

Thought for the day: "How can I remember your birthday when you never look any older."

Cartoon
Over the last twelve months we have been running a competition for the Good Bastards Gold Nugget. We had a number of entries and the one that that the judges choose was a light hearted yarn from Frank Ash.

Click here to read Franks Story.

Congratulations Frank. Frank also has a world class accommodation retreat on the beach north of Greymouth. It’s called Breakers. You owe it too yourself to check it out here and then make a booking.

Paul Teen and Gary Hutchison Win The
"Helen Didn’t Sign This Bastard" Competition

Another Competition that drew a lot of attention and plenty of laughs was “Helen Didn’t Sign This Bastard”

It was a send up of Helen Clark and her artistic efforts when she signed a painting she hadn’t painted and it was then sold at auction. An innocent enough gesture and one that we couldn’t resist picking up and having a shot at.

We received many entries that were displayed on the site at the time. The one that took the prize was the one herein displayed.

Taken by budding world non champion photographer Gary Hutchison of a modest and Humble Good Bastard Paul Teen.

The judges felt that it embraced all the attributes of what good photography is all about.

It displays Paul at his photographic best and his traditional Tradesman’s Arse Crack was going begging for a bit of international exposure.

Now that his arse crack is famous you can via for advertising rights on the space below or above Helens name. Tenders should be addressed to paulteen@hotmail.com

A hundred years ago when he was single, Bloody Leo goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

Bloody Leo says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
(Can you believe that-Paddy)

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

Bloody Leo leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment gives it a nudge and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

Bloody Leo replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

Albert Einstein on relativity

Relativity is a relative thing relatively speaking and I’m not talking about relatives here.

Today I would like to explain relativity and the justice system.
Jury’s: A small body of men and women assembled to judge who has the best solicitor.
A Plea Bargain: It is where you end a sentence with a proposition.
Lawyers: Their mouths don’t open until you put the money in. They would be better called Money Box’s.

Do the smell test and realise how much chemical you are pouring into your system as opposed to GOOD BEER.

Just have a whiff of what you are drinking and then smell a Good Bastard, you’ll soon change.

Step one: Read them through

1. They like the taste
2. It doesn’t make you crook
3. It is a great way to tell a mate he/she is a Good Bastard
4. It is great to have at a party
5. It is a great gift for a Good Bastard
6. It is great for the barbie
7. It is great at Weddings
8. It is a ideal for a twenty first party
9. It is perfect for a stag party
10. What better beer for a wake after you have seen off a Good Bastard
11. Great for the tradesmen that do a good job around the house for you
12. What better gift at Christmas for your Clients and Customers
13. Out fishing, no better companion
14. After the game, the reviver
15. THE best beer to quench your thirst
16. At the party
17. After work, the great relaxer
18. Watching footy on the Tele
19. With the mates out on the boat
20. With a big juicy steak

Step Two: Pick the three that you think are the most important to you. (you will enter them later)

Step Three: Add one more that you think is a great way or reason to
enjoy a Good Bastard

Step Four: Fill in the fields below and click submit

Win Eight Six Packs Of Good Bastards
Delivered to Your Door By Shop Naked

There are Three Packs to be won
21st OCTOBER
18th NOVEMBER
23rd DECEMBER

If you’re local doesn’t carry Good Bastards or you are Isolated then have your Good Bastards delivered anywhere in New Zealand with Shop Naked.

God said, "Go down into the valley."
Adam said, "Lord, What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "Lord, What is a river?"
And God explained it to him.

Then God said, " Go over the hill."
Adam said, "Lord, What is a hill?"
God explained it to him.

Then God told Adam, " On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."
Adam said, "Lord, What is a cave?"
And God explained it to him.

"In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "Lord, What is a woman?"
So God explained it to him.

Then God said "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "Lord, How do I do that?"
And god explained it to him.

So off Adam went, down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman,

Five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "Now what?"

And Adam said, "Lord, What is a headache?"

Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Men
A motorcycle can go for more than one ride in an hour.

Motorcycles never develop spare tires.

Motorcycles last longer.

Motorcycles don't get you pregnant.

A motorcycle doesn't care what time of month it is.

Your motorcycle will let you know if something is wrong.

Your motorcycle won't judge your friends.

If your motorcycle is boisterous, you can buy a muffler.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.

When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

One motorcycle will satisfy you every time.

Your motorcycle won't ogle other motorcycles.

Your motorcycle won't care if you have a poster of your fantasy motorcycle.

If your motorcycle has high mileage, you can just get a new one.

Motorcycles don't care about breast size.

If your motorcycle is too soft you can get new shocks.

You don't have to drink beer before your motorcycle looks appealing.

You can be proud of your motorcycle regardless of the model.

You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get limp.

Your parents won't keep in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.

Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride when you do.

Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.

You can't get a disease from a motorcycle.

Your motorcycle won't care if you fake it.

Your motorcycle has a built in vibrator.

In the morning, your motorcycle won't poke you in the back when it wants to go for a ride.

You can turn the petcock off.

Your motorcycle won't shrink when it's cold.

Your motorcycle can't ride around behind your back.

If your motorcycle is cold you can choke it.

Your motorcycle is always the right size because if it seems too small you can just get a new one.

You can keep photos of your old motorcycles.

Your motorcycle would rather go for a ride than watch sports.

Your motorcycle can go for multiple rides.

Your motorcycle won't go for rides by itself.

Motorcycles don't snore.

NBC Pictures of the Year
This and more throughout this issue of Good Bastards.

Fanny Green
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions.
A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession........... "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Fanny Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say one 'Our Father.'"

The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels.

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month." The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners... "Those are your sins?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Marys.'"

The man leaves.

Soon, another man enters and kneels down.

"Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins:

I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last six months." This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Fanny Green?" "Just a woman I know, Father."

"Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten 'Hail Marys.'" The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Fanny Green woman is.....

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green patent leather shoes with sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy.

"Pssssst. Is that Fanny Green?"

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Puzzling Questions
A baby camel asked her mother...

"Mum, why do we have big feet?"... to which she replied, "so we can trek across the sandy deserts".

"Why do we have these long eyelashes?"...

"Oh! so we can keep the sand out of our eyes during sandstorms".

"And why do we have these humps on our back?.

"So we can store water to travel long distances for long periods of time.

So mum, why do we live in a zoo?

New dictionary words
THINGY (thing-ee)
Female: Any part under the bonnet of a car
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (Lez-bee-an)
Female: A woman who makes love to other women
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can Watch. (Well duh, I knew this one)

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel)
Female: Fully exposing oneself emotionally to another
Male: Playing cricket without a box protector. (So true)

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-trohl)
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon)
Female: The open sharing of ones thoughts and feelings with A partner.
Male: A quickly scribbled note before taking off on a pissy weekend with the boys. (Why waste time on a note?)

BUM (bum)
Female: The body part that all items of clothing purchased makes bigger.
Male: The organ for farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women whilst out with ones girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)
Female: A good movie, play or book
Male: Sex

FLATULENCE (flat -u- lens)
Female: An embarrassing by product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self expression and male bonding.

LOVEMAKING (Luv-may-king)
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What women do while the guy is rooting.

Correct Diagnosis
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?

"The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you this -- there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

This is a true story
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colours: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot in Singapore. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

Family From Jackson’s Bay
A family from the Jackson’s Bay was visiting the city and they were in a high-rise office building for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Pa, What's 'at?" The father(never having seen an lift) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Mother.... "

Discipline !!!!
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man..."I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

Sales Technique
A sports shop in Germany, "Decathlon" made the following advertisement for their opening:

"Get dressed for free, from head to toe. First come first serve. Only condition: Come naked."

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeballs to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair outa ya bum and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

I reckon that religion is mans attempt to communicate with the weather. All the best things in life are taken anyway. And if things don’t improve soon Sweeney will have to stop cheering me up. If everything WAS going my way, it would only mean that I was going in the wrong direction. One thing I do know for sure is under that happy frigging face of yours, you are just as miserable as me.

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
An old Irishman man lived alone in Co.Cork. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE DAD, don't dig up the fecking garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen Garda showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

The Tennis
You know it's always so friggin quiet at the tennis that you can almost read everyone's mind...

While we do have Good Bastards Hall of Fame recipients in store, especially from Good Bastards Day. I have elected to miss this week to draw attention to all those people who say they are going to nominate someone and they never do. GET YOUR FINGER OUT AND NOMINATE YOUR GOOD BASTARD MATES.

All it takes is a Photo maybe two. Plus a bit about your mate/spouse etc that I can work into a story.
So go to it.

John Gibb reports in from his recent trip to China
An American tourist that Gibb met while on his trip to China had this experience.
While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second pinion!"

The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!

Little Paddy
Paddys mum was preparing pancakes for him and his mate Charlie

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

"Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Paddy turned to his mate and said,

"Charlie, you be Jesus."

Subject: It's a big un!!

Tasmin Penelope Trott

Born at 2:10pm, Friday 22nd November, at North Shore Hospital after another very quick labour (FOR ALL YOU WOMEN: active labour started just after 1pm, got to the hospital at 1:30pm).

She would make any fisherman proud, 10 pounds 9.

Mother is well and now at Birthcare North Shore.

Last word from Paddy

Today the 24th of November 2002, my grandson turned two. Here is a photo to make the occasion.

Photo of Finn on the new swing Coming

This weeks wacky site is
http://www.henry.martinez.net/misc/femaleorshemale.htm
The odd bloke has been caught arriving back to his pad with a lady only to find that she has more crown jewels than Westminster Abby. Easy enough to scoff at their misfortune. Here is your chance to check out similar situations.

Many Thanks

Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material.

If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution.

All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given.

Many Thanks!

Paddy Sweeney

LINKS !
The Best Pub on the Planet	Paddys other business	The best way to play Australian Lotto three times a week
Good Bastards Drag Racing Team	Wild Foods Festival	Rugby Racing and Beer
Wacky Sites	Bon's Topsitelist Category	Wotzup Australia

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

Monday November 25th 2002 ISSUE #58
*Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.*
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