Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast.

Thought for the day: "He who lasts last, thinks slowest."

SPECIAL GOOD BASTARDS DAY EDITION!

The million dollar question: Why has there been no edition of Good Bastards for the last two weeks?

A. Paddy has been away at a course on how to be more politically correct?
B. Paddy has been staying with Helen Clark?
C. Paddy has been on a desert Island with Rachel Hunter and El McPherson?
D. Paddy has been on the piss for the last two weeks and forgot?

You have three lifelines left:
• Ask the Bar
• Phone a Good Bastard Mate that knows everything
• Cross out two of the bastards you reckon are wrong

Good Bastards Day Hokitika

It was a biggy. The Golf was cancelled account of dampness. The World Record attempt with Birchy and the 51-ton Centurion Tank jumping over ten cars was a great success.

This was held at the Birchfield Mine in Ross, thirty kilometres south of Hokitika.

A few hundred people turned up to watch including a busload of curious tourists. The open cut mine was surrounded with eager Good Bastards keen to see the tank create history

The seven BMWs and the three Remuera Tractors (Four Wheel Drives also known as RT’s) were lined up and the tank cleared the lot of them. Not one cleat mark on any of them.

Now a curious thing happened!

Earlier we did a dummy run over some older, but still in good nick (even if they didn’t have warrants of fitness/road worthy’s) to get the gradient of the ramp right. We didn’t quite have it high enough. Yes, unfortunately we did do some damage to some of them and Jimmy’s new second hand Valiant copped the worse of it.

We haven’t told him yet as he can be a bit toey on such matters. We have kept him tanked up at the Empire Hotel in Ross for the last couple of weeks until we can get it fixed up a bit.

Then after the dummy run, as we are getting ready for the Bimmers and the RT’s, every bugger buggered off to the Empire Hotel and got yapping and drinking and forgot to come back.

Somewhere in the scheme of things the Reporters and the TV crew thought that was it and they buggered off and the only thing that was reported on was the dummy run. Doesn’t matter. A while after that we cleared the cars, no problem. Man it was beautiful. The tank sailed through the air and had a two-track touch down without so much as a grain of mud out of place or the slightest splash.

Birchy was at the helm and I was perched up in the turret like a half pissed cockatoo with no place to go.

Evil Kinevil had nothing on us. (Kinevil, is that derived the same way as Kinoath?)

It was widely reported in papers around the world and also on the six o’clock news that we had failed. Silly bastards, they buggered off too soon. It remains as testimony for the Good bastards News to get it right.

Then it was back to the Southland Hotel Hokitika

And did it get cranked up there. … Bloody Media Puzzle stole the Cup and the only bastard on it was Alan Bloody Kerr with fifty bucks each way. More about that next week.

We had the Woodstock Music Club doing the entertainment and they did a great job.

They played until midnight and kept the crowd there until stumps with their wide variety of great music and talented members. It was far better than just having a band.

We forgot to count how many were there, however the TV crew reckoned there was upwards of 500 so that’s now the official number.

Good Bastards Day Special VIP Guest
Our special VIP guest this year was Gary Moore and His wife. Gary is the Mayor of Christchurch and certainly qualified as a Good Bastard. The Moore’s blended in with all the Good Bastards activities and added to the day.

The Good Bastards Awards
The six big ones received a silver tankard donated by the Southland Hotel and the winners names were engraved. They have them for a year and then have to bring them back.

Good Bastard of the Year 2002: John Hynds (Hyndsie)

Most Useless Good Bastard 2002: Gary Hutchison (Hutch)

Good Bastard most likely to get pissed 2002: Gus Heveldt

Most Supportive Good Bastard 2002: Bev Hutchison

Oldest Living Teenager Good Bastard 2002: Georgie Stewart

Loudest Good Bastard 2002: Kerry Heveldt

The Pigs Head for the Pig headed Good Bastard went to Goog McGill

The certificate Awards went too:

Best Dressed Good Bastard 2002: Denis McLaren (Matt Rata)

Good Bastard Good Looker Of the Year: Kay Mitchell

Good Bastard Mega Advertising Mogul 2002: Kim Wickstead (Wicky)

Good Bastard Baker of the Year 2002: Bernie Preston

Good Bastard Mayor of the Year 2002: Gary Moore

Good Bastards Day Host Of the Year: Rachel Teen.

Good Bastard who travelled furthest for Good Bastards Day: Rebecca Heveldt (Perth)

Funniest Good Bastard 2002: John McEwan.

There were others But I forgot to write them down, so some bastard please advise. paddy@goodbastards.com

Some of the folk that came especially for the day were.

Roger and Rhonda Curran Queensland Australia

John McEwan David Pennell, Canberra, Australia

Reg Garters, Paul Lucas, Bernie DeVere, Gary Walker, Christchurch

Pat Pascoe, Don Scott, Mike Mitchell, Picton

Arch Keenan, Steve Bennett, Dunedin

There were heaps of others from South Westland and all over the place and of course huge support from locals from Hokitika, Ross and Greymouth etc.

Georgie Stewart donated a Pig that Bernie Preston cooked and along with salads and other food donated by the Southland Hotel provided a great feed for the masses.

Shit we had a great day. Channel Three gave us great coverage on the six o’clock and late news and while Channel One wasn’t there they did give us a mention on their news.

I lost count of the Radio Stations that interviewed me on the day about it all. Newspaper reporters and News Broadcasters were on the phone with some actually attending the event. You could say that the media came through with massive coverage. All Good Bastards are eternally grateful for that.

Good Bastards Day At The Avoca Hotel

Next week we will give you the report on the Good Bastards Day at the Avoca Hotel up the Wanganui river. Don’t want to swamp you with too much good stuff too soon.
 

One Thing Remains To Be Said

Good Bastards Day 2003
Tuesday 4th November

Make Sure You Are There!

 

Albert Einstein Reckons
It is entirely relative that the tank defied gravity and cleared the cars
account of speed, gradient of path, the velocity of the projectile, the
wind resistance being compensated and what particles were in the air
the time.. Combine that with the mental state, emotional composure
and expectation of those directly involved along with their ability
to convince those with susceptible perceptions and the tank would
not necessarily have to have accelerated to the speed it did.

Only members of The Most Recent order Of Good Bastards have
access to that law. Click here To Join

 

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
Robert and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road.

They killed it instantly.

Robert tells his driver:

"Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen."

One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"What happen to you?" Robert asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."

"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.

"The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

Bad day?
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.

You're not.

He has a date coming over tonight.

You only have one ass.

Are you feeling better now?

9 things I hate about everybody...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote but they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "You just want to have your cake and eat it". Bloody right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? If so who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid £8 to come to the cinema and stare at the bloody floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you dimwit?

7. When someone says something is 'new and improved!'. Well which is t? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it if it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say, "life is short". What? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet.If the bus came would I be standing here, Prick?

 

A Fair Enuf Story
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out
"Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was barefooted so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then just as she was about to leave, she asked
'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"
 

Get'n Old

Good Bastards Beer

Do the smell test and realise how much chemical you are pouring into your system as opposed to GOOD BEER.

Just have a whiff of what you are drinking and then smell a Good Bastard, you’ll soon change.
 

The Beer Survey Competition
 

Here are the 20 most popular reasons why folk buy Good Bastards Beer.

Step one: Read them through

1. They like the taste
2. It doesn’t make you crook
3. It is a great way to tell a mate he/she is a Good Bastard
4. It is great to have at a party
5. It is a great gift for a Good Bastard
6. It is great for the barbie
7. It is great at Weddings
8. It is a ideal for a twenty first party
9. It is perfect for a stag party
10. What better beer for a wake after you have seen off a Good Bastard
11. Great for the tradesmen that do a good job around the house for you
12. What better gift at Christmas for your Clients and Customers
13. Out fishing, no better companion
14. After the game, the reviver
15. THE best beer to quench your thirst
16. At the party
17. After work, the great relaxer
18. Watching footy on the Tele
19. With the mates out on the boat
20. With a big juicy steak

Step Two: Pick the three that you think are the most important to you. (you will enter them later)

Step Three: Add one more that you think is a great way or reason to
enjoy a Good Bastard

Step Four: Fill in the fields below and click submit
 

Win Eight Six Packs Of Good Bastards
Delivered to Your Door By Shop Naked

There are Three Packs to be won
21st OCTOBER
18th NOVEMBER
23rd DECEMBER

If you’re local doesn’t carry Good Bastards or you are Isolated then have your Good Bastards delivered anywhere in New Zealand with Shop Naked.

Subject: golfing in pain
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he
took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue
depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all
together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their
honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal
her beautiful breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said,
"You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts." He immediately
drops his pants and replies,...... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
 

Scientists Declare God No Longer Needed

One day a group of eminent Irish scientists got together and decided that Man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The Irish scientist, called Paddy, walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just retire?"

God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this, let's have a Man-making contest."

To which the Paddy the Irish scientist replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful
of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

 

Subject: Van Lesbian
A good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says, I want to be a movie-star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway.... he had all the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"

The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian!! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together," the guy said.... and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awestruck....who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke
 

Gotta Watch Em
An Australian, a Kiwi and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and also shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in New Zullund we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".

The Australian, cool as a kookaburra, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He then turns to the barman and says "In Australia we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

Chappie The Builder
Chappie the builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."
Chappie went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
Chappie went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.
Chappie went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?
Chappie replied, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got a couple of Australians laying the turf out front."
 

Definition of Barbecuing.
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
 

The Password
A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that we would now need to choose and enter a password.

Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p.e.n.i.s."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
******* PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH *****"


 

Q. What does a woman say to a man who she has just had sex with?
A. Say whatever she wants... he's asleep.

 

Good Bastards Hall of Fame
 

Cameron Walter
 

This week we welcome our Web Master Cameron Walter to the Hall Of Fame. Cameron is one of those brainy bastards that knows all about computers.

Every week, with a couple of recent exceptions he caringly posts the News for all your reading and intellectual benefit.

Quietly waiting in the wings in the Australian Capital of Canberra and an integral part of the Stain Busters Organisation. He is awaiting “the gap” to shoot in and grab the top job from John Howard.

Being not much past the age of nineteen, he has it all in front of him.

Cameron loves to get the job done efficiently and to a high standard and look out any bastard that gets in the way of that.

He recently needed to upgrade his much-loved Holden Gemini. Much to his surprise no one wanted to buy it. So he parked it on the front lawn with a FOR SALE on the window.

A couple of days later some bastard had taken it and of course the rotten bastards had left no money. (Sources close to the incident have revealed that was pretty much close to what it was worth)

As the youngest member to be admitted to the Hall Of Fame he has carved a piece of famous history for himself. We all agree that there will be many more to come.

Cheers Cameron

You are a real Good Bastard



 

Little Paddy
Little Paddy sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Paddy finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly...

"MUMMYMUMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."

Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Paddy tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mummy cuts him off and said, "Paddy, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Paddy to tell his story. Paddy starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and.. "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

 

Hi you Good Bastards...

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, "I w...a...s a...l...m...o...s...t m...a...r...r...i...e...d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"

The reply comes, "Y...e...s, I w...e...n...t t...o a d...o...c...t...o...r a...n...d h...e t...o...l...d m...e t...h...a...t i...f I s...p...e...a...k s...l...o...w...l...y I w...o...u...l...d n...o...t s...t...u...t...t...e...r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks about how he was almost married.

"W...e...l...l, m...y f...i...a...n...c...e...e a...n...d I w...e...r...e s...i...t...t...i...n...g o...n h...e...r p...o...r...c...h, a...n...d t...h...e d...o...g w...a...s s...c...r...a...t...c...h...i...n...g h...i...s b...a...c...k s...o I t...o...l...d h...e...r t...h...a...t w...h...e...n w...e a...r...e m...a...r...r...i...e...d, s...h...e c...a...n d...o t...h...a...t f...o...r m...e. A...n...d t...h...e...n.
s...h...e t...h...r...e...w t...h...e r...i...n...g i...n m...y f...a...c...e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W...e...l...l, I s...p...e...a...k s...o s...l...o...w...l..y, t...h...a...t b...y t...h...e t...i...m...e s...h...e l...o...o...k...e...d a...t t...h...e d...o...g, h...e w...a...s l...i...c...k...i...n...g h...i...s b...a...l...l...s."


The Wolf Man comes home one day after a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he barks.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat?"

After this he continues to yell and shout and making a huge fuss. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon, and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

I know there's only two jokes this week, but it took me freaking ages typing out the first one!!!

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shhhure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."


Keep it down


Nick
 

HERE ARE THE FREQUENCIES...

Last word from Paddy

Well George Bush is still hell bent on starting World War Three. Of course he wont be over there himself, nor will Majors, Howard or Clark. Just a lot of young folk, many of who won’t return home. And a lot of young folk on the other side as well.

These Useless fuckwits, so called leaders, seem to think our children and young folk are dispensable in their egotistical quest for worldwide recognition.

Come on down to Good Bastards days you egomaniacal bastards and we will give you recognition. In a Grave, ya murdering bastards.

Has Bush ever discussed the problem with Hussein? No neither did his dad. Has Hussein ever tried to discuss the problem with Bush?

It is interesting what both Hussein and Bush are saying exactly the same thing. The murdering bastards.

“Our enemy Iraq have weapons of mass destruction and we must eliminate them before they attack us.”

“Our enemy America have weapons of mass destruction and we must eliminate them before they attack us.”

Whose side is right? Depends on whose propaganda you listen too. They both say exactly the same thing about each other. They both hate one another on equal proportion. Neither Leader has tried to sit down and work out some mutual ground and common resolutions. Bomb shit out of the bastards seems to be the catch cry.

I don’t for a second believe that Hussein is right. Nor do I believe that Bush is. They will just push each other to the edge until one or the other pushes the dreaded button.

When this happens they have increase there scope to murder decent folk and get away with it. Howard Majors and Clark will be signaturarys to these mass murders

We need to get rid of Hussein and we also need to get rid of Bush. Or do we really need World War Three?

Is It Time For Women To Take Control?

I hope and pray that I am entirely wrong with these assertions.
 

This week’s wacky site is:
Check out Kevs site this week. He has a lot of stopover points and you might just find this persona Kev puts up in the beginning is actually driven by a high powered brain obviously not fuelled by chemically brewed will definitely kill ya grog. Check it out: http://wino.bigmoron.com/

 

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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