Issue 56 - October 28 2002

Thought for the day: "There is good in the worst of us and bad in the best of us."

We have had the inaugural Good Bastards Rugby world Cup and the Good Bastards Rugby Chicks Tournament. Now we are launching the Good bastards Rugby Club under which all our Rugby activities will operate. AND YOU CAN BE A FOUNDATION MEMBER.

Its FREE no hooks or catches, except we expect you to support our events and functions when we have them. Fill out the fields below to become a foundation member!

It with a great deal of sadness in our hearts that we advise that Phil Duffy has passed away. Phil. 89 had had a short illness and was called home last Thursday.

A supporter of Good Bastards from the very beginning this quiet extremely popular man was seldom heard to say a bad word about anyone.

He and his late wife Bid lived on the West Coast all there lives, primarily in Kumara where they operated a store called P J Duffy.

A wonderful man in all respects, Phil is survived by his six daughters.

A police officer pulls a Bloody Leo over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Copper: May I see your driver's license?
Bloody Leo: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.
Copper: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Bloody Leo: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Bloody Leo: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Bloody Leo: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Bloody Leo: Yes, mate.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Bloody Leo: Sure. Here it is. It's valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Bloody Leo: It's mine, officer. Here are the registration papers.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Bloody Leo: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Bloody Leo: No problem. Boot is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Bloody Leo: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.

Rachel Teen is the host of the Hokitika event and will no doubt be assisted or hindered by her dad Paul Teen. We have a big day planned and all will have a lot of fun.

Program West Coast South Island

From 8 am Tee off for the Good Bastards Golf Classic.
Contact Alan Hurley on 03 755

It is a nine hole Ambrose pairs. That means you have a partner and who ever hits the ball the furthest is where your team hits off. Its $20.00 registration plus Green fees of about five bucks. The twenty bucks goes into a pool and is split between the first three pairs.

1st 50%
2nd 30%
3rd 20%

You do not get the winnings in cash. You choose a horse to back in the Melbourne Cup and then come along to Good Bastards Day at the Southland Hotel to Collect.

It is a Green Jacket Event. The Only Major Tournament with a Green Jacket that has not been won by Tiger Woods.

12 ish we head for Ross to see Birchys World Record Attempt at jumping ten cars

A coupla beers at the empire hotel to ease the parch

Then
It’s Back to The Southland Hotel
Revell Street Hokitika
At about 2/2 30pm for The Greatest Good Bastards Day Ever

Meanwhile...
Up at the Avoca Pub at Upokongaro ten k’s up The Wanganui River On the same day.

Hosts Warren and Sally Lucinsky

Listen To Classic River Hits FM on 89.6 for More Info

Classic River Hits FM on 89.6

This is going to be a great day. Here is the schedule

1.30 The Waimaire Paddle Steamer leaves Wanganui for a leisurely chug up the river and hour later. It is going to be covered with a live broadcast on the good vessel by River City Classic Hits.

2.30 You arrive at the Mighty Good Bastards Avoca Hotel

Complimentary drink and a few bits of fodder and then into the Good Bastards Routine.

There will be:

• Plenty of Good Bastards Beer
• Prizes Galore
• The Good Bastards Song Contest
• The Good Bastards Hand Grenades
• The Good Bastard Yarn Telling Contest
• The Good Bastards Gargling Contest
• The Good Bastards Awards
• Sweeps on the Melbourne Cup and more

Catch the Paddle Steamer right to the front door!

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask in the middle of the forest.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets.

Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire you guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air and then airborne into smoke heaven. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While sitting on the bike and racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, she went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to
her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

WHAT? STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

Albert's Theory of Relativity:

Neighbours are relative to your life style.
They are people who buy things they don’t
need at prices they can’t afford to impress
people they don’t like.

Oh, and one more thing … we are all neighbours
to someone.

The Melbourne Cup falls on Good Bastards Day. They’ll do anything to promote there stuff those bloody Victorians. So lets have a look at who might be a fair bet this year.

Northerly: Well with the Cox Plate and the Caulfield under its belt, even with 61kg’s it is a definite prospect and at this stage is favourite. Connections say it might not start due the heavy weight penalty. One thing is sure if it does, it worth a bet. It has one five in a row and two of them are the biggest races in the country up against top competition.

Vinnie Row: Dermot what ever his name is from Ireland bought Vintage Crop here twice for a first and a third and of the two runners he has here this time Vinnie Row is supposedly the best.

Prize Gem: One for the longer odds and a Kiwi as well.

There are heaps of Northern Hemisphere horses which are hard to factor in

Still a while to go, next edition we will get more definitive in our picks.

Heres How to Get A Good Bastards Polo Shirt
Absolutely Free
TWENTY FIVE UP FOR GRABS

You won’t get any better than this. Heres how it goes: We have our beer in a number of bars, bottle shops, restaurants and clubs around New Zealand.
Naturally we need more, If your local where you drink or where you occupy a nose bag from time to time doesn’t have the good tipple on sale and you can talk them in stocking it over the next four weeks we will supply you with a Good Bastards Polo Shirt retail value $32.50.
This offer is only for the next four weeks. It ends on the 4th of November 2002. It doesn’t apply to outlets we have already supplied.
It starts today the 7th of October. It doesn't apply to outlets we've already supplied.
If you are an outlet or work in one that we don’t supply, it’s a shirt for jam. There are hundreds of outlets that don’t stock it and are relatively easy to get it into to, so getting a shirt.
Here is the process.
• Convince your outlet to stock the beer.
• The minimum order is 20 six packs although bigger is better.
• Once they have agreed contact me on paddy@goodbastards.com
• Advise the outlets name.
• The name of the person to contact.
• Best time to contact them.
• What transpired in your discussions?
This offer applies to New Zealand only. The beer is not available in any other country yet, even though we have many enquires for supply.

It may be best not to mention you are going to get the Polo Shirt otherwise they will want to claim it. Once we have the information we will contact them direct.

Arse Study

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their arse is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......

The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him and would have married him anyway.

MEN from A BAD BITCHES NOTEBOOK

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(because they won't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their bums and they vapour lock

(C’mon guys, you’re laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
"The Proph"

The wife in the bar
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife.
You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Do the smell test and realise how much chemical you are pouring into your system as opposed to GOOD BEER.

Just have a whiff of what you are drinking and then smell a Good Bastard, you’ll soon change.

Step one: Read them through

1. They like the taste
2. It doesn’t make you crook
3. It is a great way to tell a mate he/she is a Good Bastard
4. It is great to have at a party
5. It is a great gift for a Good Bastard
6. It is great for the barbie
7. It is great at Weddings
8. It is a ideal for a twenty first party
9. It is perfect for a stag party
10. What better beer for a wake after you have seen off a Good Bastard
11. Great for the tradesmen that do a good job around the house for you
12. What better gift at Christmas for your Clients and Customers
13. Out fishing, no better companion
14. After the game, the reviver
15. THE best beer to quench your thirst
16. At the party
17. After work, the great relaxer
18. Watching footy on the Tele
19. With the mates out on the boat
20. With a big juicy steak

Step Two: Pick the three that you think are the most important to you. (you will enter them later)

Step Three: Add one more that you think is a great way or reason to
enjoy a Good Bastard

Step Four: Fill in the fields below and click submit

Win Eight Six Packs Of Good Bastards
Delivered to Your Door By Shop Naked

There are Three Packs to be won
21st OCTOBER
18th NOVEMBER
23rd DECEMBER

If you’re local doesn’t carry Good Bastards or you are Isolated then have your Good Bastards delivered anywhere in New Zealand with Shop Naked.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Steve Flynn
From Steve Flynn's Irish Archives Fame

Now here is a bit of a revelation. Steve Flynn is Not Steve Flynn. He is better known as Paddy. Now it gets worse… He is not even Irish. You know the old story; there are two types of people out there, The Irish and those who would like to be. Well Steve/Paddy is in the latter category. His real name is Stephen Patrick Flynn and has been called Paddy since he was about ten.

He actually come from Chelsea in England and is a bit of a Posh Bastard. He is involved with stuffing around with Intellectual Property and other poncy stuff.

In amongst all this he is a bit of real Good Bastard. He has a great sense of humour and keeps us chocker with good Irish Gags and other material for the site.

We all benefit from your regular contributions

Congratulations on being admitted to the Hall Of Fame. Keep all the good stuff coming.

Cheers Paddy.

Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives

An extremely modest Dublin Priest was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets.
He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the Feck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "Fook!! I tink oi just beat the shyte out of a ghost!"

So what if apathy is the biggest problem facing the world today!!! You know if practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why practice? And you know it doesn’t matter how deep the water is if its over your head. And more thing that I have been reckoning, if humanity profits from its mistakes we have a magnificent future in front of us.

Hard Puzzle
Here is a very puzzle. I have been looking at it for the last few weeks. It is one of those quirky things that woman can solve and blokes can’t.

The trick is to find the boat in the picture somewhere.

Steve Bennett sent it in, and he’s been studying it for ten years and can’t find the bloody boat. Both he and I reckon there is no boat in the picture. Click here

Give it a try and let me know how you get on.

At one point I thought I saw a boat momentarily, I recommend enlarging the
image and pressing your face close to the screen, squint, then move back
slowly. Bloody incredible thing really.

Steve Bennett reports in on Robert Mugabe

President Mugabe is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a war vet comes and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mugabe, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Mugabe searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a Zimbabwe Air Force jet carrying Mr & Mrs Mugabe were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Mugabe. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

One from Mike Driscoll
Men are from Mars
Women are from Venus
In-laws are from Uranus

Little Paddy
Teacher: In which Battle was King Gustav Adolphus of Sweden Slain?

Paddy: I am pretty sure it was his last one.

Gidday you Good Bastards...

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!...........I tell you, I just shit my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"

Bloody Leo got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom.
"Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the neighbours!"
"I'm trying to get a keg of Good Bastards Ale up the stairs," he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.
"I can't," he said, "I've drank it."

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

The other night, my missus and I were going out for dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"

It's a short one this week. I'm in mourning... bloody Waikato let me down big time.

Nick

Last word from Paddy
Well the countdown is on for Good Bastards Day and like all things Good Bastard just seems to keep growing.

One thing that happens around Good Bastards Day is “The Weigh In” Hyndsie, Kerbs and I have this bet thing about our weight.

It started years ago when we all realised we were getting a bit more porky than we should be. So we had a bet for a hundred bucks to be paid by the other two to the first to loose 10 kg’s.

Problem was, none of even lost 5 kg’s.

So it was decided that we needed to increase the stakes to a thousand bucks. And if you didn’t achieve the your goal weight you would have to chip in a grand.

The grand is then wagered on the Melbourne Cup and the proceeds split three ways.

Over the last few years both Kerbs and I have scrapped in, however Hyndsie hasn’t been that lucky, or should I say hungry.

To be fair one year he went to the World Cup in England, and the rule is if you are not there it also costs a grand.

Both time we picked the winner and Hyndsie received a sizable chunk of his investment back.

This year I am on target and should be OK. Kerbs reckons he’s Ok and Hyndsie is not saying much.

So I’ll let you know how it all turns out.

This weeks wacky site is...
Here is a tape of a live radio broadcast some years ago. The announcer tells of "strange" things he finds in the news. This one cracks him up totally.

http://www.jillsjokeline.com/armageddon.html

Many Thanks

Every week we receive jokes, stories, photos, cartoons and items of interest from all over the world. Many of these we receive several times, some we have already used and others for whatever reasons we don’t use. We receive far more than we can use which gives us a continuous access of what we think is good material.

If you have sent in material and it wasn’t used or someone else was credited, we thank you for your contribution.

All material is displayed herein in good faith on the basis that it is allowed to be used in forums such as this. If any material is used that should not have been. Please advise immediately and it will be withdrawn and an apology given.

Many Thanks!

Paddy Sweeney

LINKS !
The Best Pub on the Planet	Paddys other business	The best way to play Australian Lotto three times a week
Good Bastards Drag Racing Team	Wild Foods Festival	Rugby Racing and Beer
Wacky Sites	Bon's Topsitelist Category	Wotzup Australia

Auckland 90.2 FM	Waikato 93.0 FM
Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM	Rotorua 92.7 FM	Taupo 94.3 FM
Taranaki 95.6 FM	Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM	Manawatu 95.4 FM
Kapati 91.9 FM	Wellingtom 96.3 FM	Nelson 94.6 FM
Canterbury 93.7 FM	Otago 93.4 FM	Southland 90.8 FM

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

Monday October 28th 2002 ISSUE #56
*Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.*
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