www.goodbastards.com

1 year and 20,000 hits later...

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast.

Thought for the day: "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand."

What about this for a radical idea...
Good Bastards is
Going To Take Over
Queens Birthday Weekend
 

Lets face it, its all but, if not a non event. Now I’m not having a shot at the old po faced Queen here, heaven knows she’s gives us enough ammo. Now that she and old Phil have been outed as being know different to the folk next door, only with a few extra bob, it’s time to move on and retrieve this dieing tradition and bring it into the twenty first century.

Let it be known forever more that Queens Birthday Weekend has been renamed Good Bastards Birthday Weekend. Crikey dick, horses have a birthday once a year why can’t Good Bastards.

Holy molly, it isn’t even Liz’s birthday that weekend, that’s on April the 21st and who the hell sends her a presents, has a few beers or celebrates an event that hardly any bastard gives a shit about anyway.

Perhaps a few loyalists, well we will deal them if they stick their head above the bunker. In their own right they may well be good bastards. I don’t agree with them, but I will defend their right to be do and think what they want until the day I die.

Now, the husband, the duke! The only thing I can say for sure about him is that is not where John Wayne got his nickname must be another duke somewhere. Still he’s as faithfully as a brown dog, and wouldn’t hurt a fart in a lift. Not quite what you would expect to be the head of a dynasty though.

The old royal family, they have it handed to them on a plate and still spilt it. Doesn’t matter, we have all done that one way or another.

What we are planning for the weekend in June is a Beer and Comedy Festival, possibly, but not necessarily, in Christchurch. We will give you more information on that as it unfolds.

AND we will be running a competition to find the FUNNIEST GOOD BASTARD in New Zealand. This will have a decent sort of a prize attached to bring all the funny bastards out of the woodwork. Good opportunity here for you to contribute a product or service into the Funniest Bastards Prize pool, and we will promote the shit out of it.

It is not for professional comedians, just funny bastards, and there are heaps of them out there, so start getting your nominations or nominate yourself or have some bastard nominate you.

Mike King, New Zealand's top comedian and member of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is going to give us a hand.

You might have seen Mike wearing his number 13 Good Bastards Exclusive Footy Jersey on the TV show “A Game Of Two Halves” the other week.

Incidentally have you got your Good Bastards Exclusive Footy Jersey yet?
If not, then visit our Good Bastards shop!

Bloody Leo mowing his lawn. Thank God winter is over!!
 

Heres How to Get A Good Bastards Polo Shirt
Absolutely Free
TWENTY FIVE UP FOR GRABS
Got the dates wrong last week and never got around to fixing them

You won’t get any better than this. Heres how it goes: We have our beer in a number of bars, bottle shops, restaurants and clubs around New Zealand.
Naturally we need more, If your local where you drink or where you occupy a nose bag from time to time doesn’t have the good tipple on sale and you can talk them in stocking it over the next four weeks we will supply you with a Good Bastards Polo Shirt retail value $32.50.
This offer is only for the next four weeks. It ends on the 4th of November 2002. It doesn’t apply to outlets we have already supplied.
It starts today the 7th of October. It doesn't apply to outlets we've already supplied.
If you are an outlet or work in one that we don’t supply, it’s a shirt for jam. There are hundreds of outlets that don’t stock it and are relatively easy to get it into to, so getting a shirt.
Here is the process.
• Convince your outlet to stock the beer.
• The minimum order is 20 six packs although bigger is better.
• Once they have agreed contact me on paddy@goodbastards.com
• Advise the outlets name.
• The name of the person to contact.
• Best time to contact them.
• What transpired in your discussions?
This offer applies to New Zealand only. The beer is not available in any other country yet, even though we have many enquires for supply.

It may be best not to mention you are going to get the Polo Shirt otherwise they will want to claim it. Once we have the information we will contact them direct.

Albert Einstein was the father of relativity.
I wonder if he put Good Bastardtivity into his equation.



 

"Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
 

How meat patties are really made.

Subject: Ta ta Iraq
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."
 

Those in the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?

That's my idea of a perfect day
 

Bloody Good Cook Up
When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are just not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7LB. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Brush the chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in a baking pan with
The neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds, When
The chicken’s ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across
The room, it is done.
And, you thought I couldn’t cook.

All Women Should Read this
I'd like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (I'm your love slave) in the past few years. I'm talking about subliminal suggestion.

Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8 tonight) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldn't do (bring clean sheets). This technique was often seen being used (I'll get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like "Buy the popcorn." (and the condoms).

This one frame goes by so fast the conscious mind can't possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.

Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who knows? (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and the peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch "I Love Lucy" reruns and do things that they'll have to invent new names for when we're done and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again). The jury is still out on that one.

Ladies see if you can get the strides off this bloke.
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/reshorts.html

Hooter
Hooter told me that he has given up sex for food.
Now he can't even get into his own pants.
 

Unknown item for sale.
Hooter found this thing up at the dump; he doesn’t know what it is.
He knows it's valuable; he doesn’t know what it is. If you can identify it, he'll sell it to you for $250.

 

Problem Solved
Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible?
They achieved simultaneous headaches.
 

Win Good Bastards Beer for Christmas

The Natural Companion for a Great Time
 

Here’s the 20 most popular reasons why folk buy Good Bastards Beer.
Step one: Read them through

1. They like the taste
2. It doesn’t make you crook
3. It is a great way to tell a mate he/she is a Good Bastard
4. It is great to have at a party
5. It is a great gift for a Good Bastard
6. It is great for the barbie
7. It is great at Weddings
8. It is a ideal for a twenty first party
9. It is perfect for a stag party
10. What better beer for a wake after you have seen off a Good Bastard
11. Great for the tradesmen that do a good job around the house for you
12. What better gift at Christmas for your Clients and Customers
13. Out fishing, no better companion
14. After the game, the reviver
15. THE best beer to quench your thirst
16. At the party
17. After work, the great relaxer
18. Watching footy on the Tele
19. With the mates out on the boat
20. With a big juicy steak

Step Two: Pick the three that you think are the most important to you. (you will enter them later)

Step Three: Add one more that you think is a great way or reason to
enjoy a Good Bastard

Step Four: Fill in the fields below and click submit
 

Win Eight Six Packs Of Good Bastards
Delivered to Your Door By Shop Naked

There are Three Packs to be won
21st OCTOBER
18th NOVEMBER
23rd DECEMBER

If you’re local doesn’t carry Good Bastards or you are Isolated then have your Good Bastards delivered anywhere in New Zealand with Shop Naked.
 

Great sporting Photographs of the last century.
Passion in sport is the very thing that drives people to the pinnacle of success. Here are one of those moments captured on film.


 

Paddy
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them

 

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

James Hay
 

The Four Faces Of James
 

Before I get into this little discourse on old James here, he’s forty this week for crying out loud and when you’re that age, you think you’re old. Same as when you were four. It is important to note that James won’t see this until this Saturday at his birthday, unless one of you rotten bastards reading this goes and tells him.

All I can say is that Nugget, the footy coach out of the new book, will get his bolt cutters around your balls if you even think it.

James is married to the devoted Bernadette and they both hail from Cromwell having meandered up from Dunedin seven years ago. He is the local watchmaker. They had been together twelve years to the day on the day they got married. Now that’s a nice bit of tidy bookkeeping for you.

He tends to put up this persona as being a bit of a quiet bastard, preferring the background rather than the limelight. Those that know him know that this is a bit of a front, give him a couple of Good Bastards and the old verbal diarrhoea kicks in and he’s bullshitting his heart to anyone that will listen, even a post.

Someone close to him bought him a bib once that said Bull Shit Bib, just to catch the drips as they were buggering up all his good shirts.

He has a great personal philosophy on life, which tends to orientate around a few simple points. Misery loves company and why do today what you can put off until tomorrow and do you really need to have an excuse to have a beer!!!!!

He doesn’t believe in giving flowers, as the bastards die, preferring instead to draw them and fax them to cheer up a bad day a particular person might be having.

He drinks his own home brew as well as Good Bastards Beer, is an avid member of the black powder shooters club and is one of their most social shooters.

Heres to you James, welcome to the Good Bastards Hall of Fame, I look forward to one day having a beer with you and wiping the drips off your chin.

Cheers

 

How To Wash The Cat!

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). The cat will then self agitate to create lots of suds and bubbles. This is the part the cat really loves. Listen to how he sings in the bath.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as he probably has soap in his eyes and his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. You know the cat is really pleased as he reaches new heights of ecstasy with his singing.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Remember it is not fair to lock the cat door otherwise he will have to dry himself by running up and down on the curtains.
Sincerely, The DOG

From Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
There is a merry family gathering in Cork with all generations around the table.
The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.
When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

 

The count down is on!
Good Bastards Day
is just 29 days away!

Have you booked in at the Southland Hotel yet?

It’s Melbourne Cup Day as well, Tuesday the 5th of November. There is The Good Bastards Golf Classic in the morning, Birchy doing the world record attempt at midday, then back to the Southland about two for a rip snorter of a day.

The Winner of the Good Bastards Gold Nugget will be announced, we will have some of the traditional contests to win a few prizes, last year we had more prizes than we knew what to do with.

Then there is the Good Bastards Awards, good music, good yarns and good times.

BE THERE, OR BE SQUARE

Little Paddy
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Timmy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Billy leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
 

Some Bastards Never Learn; the question is should he cut his other nut off in the interest of a better marriage????
Man plans to marry woman who ripped off one of his testicles.

A man plans to marry the woman who was jailed for ripping off one of his testicles.
Aretha Oneal pleaded guilty to using her fingernails to rip off the testicle in an attack last year.
Her victim, Dennis Ross, took the testicle to the local hospital in Nashville, Tennessee, where it was successfully re-attached.
According to The Tennessean Oneal was sentenced to 81 days.
She will be eligible for early release if she completes a 45-day counselling programme that deals with issues such as anger management.
Mr Ross, 38, told the paper that he continued to live with Oneal at an address in Nashville after the incident in June last year.
He plans to marry Oneal after she is released.
''I love that girl,'' Mr Ross said. ''That's my heart, my soul, and that's my better half. I told the (District Attorney) the other day I'm not prosecuting her.''
But the Davidson County district attorney's office still decided to bring the case to court.
Oneal attacked Ross on June 16, 2001, as he slept in his bed. The Tennessean reports that the couple had argued after Ross returned home after having sex with another woman.
Story filed: 17:36 Tuesday 1st October 2002
 

Letter from Rita Hartney
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. Here is what she said.

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is then I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Rita
 

Gidday you Good Bastards...

I hear the Good Bastards Golf Tournament is on soon. Here's some stories from last year... all true too!

One day Steve (name changed) and his wife, Sarah (name changed) were out playing golf. Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball.
Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the center of the floor.
And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball.
Sarah, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly.
Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim (name changed). So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the center of the shed.
As Steve thought seriously what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold
the door of the shed open so he could take his shot.
But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly, "Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green."



A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a
golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful
buttercups. A fairy comes down and says, "Thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that
you always have a full supply of butter."
"Thank you," the golfer replied, "but where were you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?"



Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.
Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water."
Jesus replies: "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it."
He swings the 7 and sure enough, right in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again.
Once again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." 'PLOP' in the water it goes again.
He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls.
The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and one of them asks Moses, "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replies, "No, Tiger Woods."
 

Nick

Last word from Paddy

According to my junk e-mail, I'm bald, impotent and in need of constant refinancing. Do you get bombarded with these sick bastards trying to sell you something or to get you to pay to watch Brittany Spears, supposably knock off the entire Hells Angels Club. All seems to come from the United States.

Hey I’m not against trying to sell stuff aggressively, but if this is the sort stuff that dominates the email waves, well ……. What sort of a bloody country have they got over there anyway?

Maybe they should come down under and check out the real world.
 

This weeks wacky site is...
If you can figure out how to play this and win, let me know.
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bunstrippoker.html
 

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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