Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast.

Thought for the day: "The Big Print Giveth and the small print taketh away"

Merivale’s
Merlins Maulers
Take out the
Good Bastards Rugby World Cup

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup has been and done and won and what a great day it was ……
 

The Winning Team - Merlins Maulers

More photos on the Good Bastards Rugby Club Page
 

We couldn’t have asked for a better day, around 19 degrees Celsius, a slight breeze and hardly a cloud in the sky. It was played at Numbrick Park in Christchurch, home of the mighty Merlins Maulers from the Merivale club.

There was just a hint of snow on the Cashmere Hills and the background of the Southern Alps was draped in a heavy lace of snow.

The spectators and teams enjoyed some fun rugby and a few runaway tries but for me the highlight was when one of the Sydenham Guys fair accelerated through the opposing team for his second runaway try the length of the field only to be pegged backed by an opponent and be held up over the line, the tackler gained possession of the ball and streaks off up the paddock. Great entertainment and much cheering from the crowd, Good Bastards beer eased the pain of pleasure as the afternoon unfolded. This is what Good Bastards Rugby is all about. I lost, or had stolen or sold or something the piece of paper with the blokes name on it. Hooter reckons it probably got wet.

The teams contesting the cup were all True Good Bastards, absolutely no doubt about that. The basis of the winner of the Good Bastards World Cup was to go to the team that were True Good Bastards, now that was a hard call.

Alan Absolam, from the Good Bastards Brewery and New Zealand President of the Good Bastards Rugby World Cup, Neil Blanchfield, and I wrestled with our consciences and finally gave it to the hosts of the event Merlins Maulers.

Congratulations Guys, your hospitality, camaraderie and sense of fair place and absolute great sense of humour edged you over the wire.

Here is what Greg from www.wotzup.com reckons the guys from Merlins Maulers used to win the World Cup
 

Check out our Good Bastards Rugby Club Page! We need people who will help do the work on a committee level for the Good Bastards Rugby Club. If this is you, please email Paddy on paddy@goodbastards.com put yourself forward to be considered as part of the executive of the Good Bastards Rugby Cub.

We are particularly interested and those folk who have contacts and a basis in Rugby We particularly need folk in Christchurch.

We also need representation in all towns/cities throughout the world that play Rugby.

Particularly those that are involved in making things happen or are prepared to be in a group and pull their weight and do what has to done.

Now here is a secret: We have had a firn enquiry from a group of 37 over 35 Australian Rugby Teams who want to get involved in an alternative competition to Golden Oldies. Something to do with the fact that they are sick of getting ripped off by Air New Zealand and how they nail basic folk to be involved in their tournaments. Can’t tell you more than that.

The polly wally doodle one here please
 

Click Here to go to the Good Bastards Rugby Club Page
 

Hyndsie and the Lawyers Bill, apparently this is true.
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for Good Bastard Hyndsie. Following the happy outcome of the case, he called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services.

"My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the greedy Lawyer, "is five hundred dollars."

Hyndsie took back the unopened wallet, removed twenty one hundred dollar bills, returned five-hundred dollar bills and handed it back to the lawyer with a smiled and said, “Sounds fair to me”
 

Heres How to Get A Good Bastards Polo Shirt
Absolutely Free
TWENTY FIVE UP FOR GRABS

You won’t get any better than this. Heres how it goes: We have our beer in a number of bars, bottle shops, restaurants and clubs around New Zealand.
Naturally we need more, If your local where you drink or where you occupy a nose bag from time to time doesn’t have the good tipple on sale and you can talk them in stocking it over the next four weeks we will supply you with a Good Bastards Polo Shirt retail value $32.50.
This offer is only for the next four weeks. It ends on the 9th of September 2002. It doesn’t apply to outlets we have already supplied.
It starts today the 12th of August. And old introductions don’t apply.
If you are an outlet or work in one that we don’t supply, it’s a shirt for jam. There are hundreds of outlets that don’t stock it and are relatively easy to get it into to, so getting a shirt.
Here is the process.
• Convince your outlet to stock the beer.
• The minimum order is 20 six packs although bigger is better.
• Once they have agreed contact me on paddy@goodbastards.com
• Advise the outlets name.
• The name of the person to contact.
• Best time to contact them.
• What transpired in your discussions?
This offer applies to New Zealand only. The beer is not available in any other country yet, even though we have many enquires for supply.

It may be best not to mention you are going to get the Polo Shirt otherwise they will want to claim it. Once we have the information we will contact them direct.
 

“It’s A Bloody Try Ya Bastard.”

In the top ten!
 

What a great thrill it was when the email came through to say that the book had made it to the top ten with sales at the 56 strong book chain Paper Plus advised that it had made it to the top ten in sales over the Fathers Day period.

Then when I chuffed off to Whitcoulls in Cashel/Hereford Street Store and here are both books in prominent display and blow me down if I’m not a protestant pipe layer, Good Bastards, the larrikins guide to success has this little tag under it that says best seller. Whitcoulls have sold heaps of Good Bastards books through their 62 stores. However Paper Plus are our biggest sellers.

From Steve Flynn’s Irish Archives
A woman was very distraught at the fact she had not had a date not any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician in Kilarny recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went and saw him.
Upon entering the examination room, Wang took one look at her and said, “OK, take off aw your crows.” She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. “Now,” said Dr.Wang, “get dow on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me to the other side of room.”
Having done what Dr. Wang said,”Okay, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me.”
Once again she obliged.
Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, “OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see...that why you not have dates, that why you not have sex.”
Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed Zachary Disease?”
Wang replied, “It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

 

Not A murmur from the Good Bitches!!!!
Last week we announced a competition for any of the Good Bitches out there to come up with some with some Good Bitches rules that would take the mickey out of the blokes and we would give away a Good Bastards Polo Shirt.
At this point we have not received one solitary entry, so we have extended it for another week to see what might be forth coming.
To get you going we have posted the details on how women use the drive through ATM.
Check out last weeks site and more details click here
 

The drive-up cash machine allows customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstance (i.e. Male or Female) and remember them when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter your PIN
4. Enter amount of cash wanted and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to the machine.
3. Put on the handbrake, put window down.
4. Find purse, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through purse to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page upside down.
11. Enter the PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty purse again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Drive forwards two feet.
19. Reverse back to cash machine.
20. Retrieve card.
21. Re-empty purse, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided.
22. Give appropriate one fingered hand signal to irate male drivers lining up behind you.
23. Restart stalled engine and pull away.
24. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
25. Stop, release handbrake.

 

Good Bitch Sharon Stone Has Her Say


"Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships.”

-Sharon Stone
 

Good Bastard Gary Jellie has been studying the body

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 39 she is like France. Gently aging, but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 40 and 50 a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60 a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70 she is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After age 70 she becomes like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
 

Warriors in Grand Final, Aussie Commentators not happy
It’s our bone and no other bastards coming near it. Congratulations to the Warriors in making it to the Grand Final. Ray Warren and Peter Sterling, two of the best commentators you could ever find, had the Sharks’ home from the kick off.
They never came out and said so but their bias showed through, shit, nothing wrong with that, I’m the most bias bastard on the planet, that is what Armchair sport is all about.
It made it all the better for me to yell at the TV.
For my money the Warriors will do it and more power to them. Can’t let the moment go with out a couple of shots though.
• If you’re an aboriginal, you have no show of getting any recognition in Rugby League, regardless of how brilliant you are. That’s why Mundine bailed out. It is likely if they ever assembled an all-Aboriginal team it would beat the Australian National side.
• Bias in the judiciary, well maybe it should be expected, or is inconsistency a better way of explaining it.
• Salary Caps are don’t matter, until you get caught.
• As in South Sydney, the fans, who pay all the bills, well their wants and needs don’t merit a mention, unless you have the balls enough to challenge the vultures that run the show. But then we still have the reins. The Future of South Sydney is more interesting than the game itself.
• Don’t mention the Super League, what ever you do don’t mention the Super League, its dead and buried only the living corpses remain.
• Maybe we will be able to add here, don’t let the Kiwis win the Grand Final! It’s going to be an interesting week.
 

Lyndsay and Marie Courtis sent this little pearler in.
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tackle box."

 

PHOTO

The Cat and Dog

Piss off with that camera ya bastard, can’t you see we’re busy
 

Pat Condon! Well it could’ve been, especially the last frame.

Good Bastard Alan Kerr sent this one
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 

Interesting Flight
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously; searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
 

What is it that Good Bastards are going to take over on the 8th of October?
 

Next week we will be making the announcement as to what it is that Good Bastards will be taking over on the 8th of October. It is on that date that our site will be one year old. We thought it only fitting that we do something quite significant for humanity. It’s a big one, some folk won’t like it.

Watch next week’s issue, more than that, tell every other bastard to watch next Monday mornings issue and find out just what it is that we are taking over.
 

Win Good Bastards Beer for Christmas

The Natural Companion for a Great Time
 

Here’s the 20 most popular reasons why folk buy Good Bastards Beer.
Step one: Read them through

1. They like the taste
2. It doesn’t make you crook
3. It is a great way to tell a mate he/she is a Good Bastard
4. It is great to have at a party
5. It is a great gift for a Good Bastard
6. It is great for the barbie
7. It is great at Weddings
8. It is a ideal for a twenty first party
9. It is perfect for a stag party
10. What better beer for a wake after you have seen off a Good Bastard
11. Great for the tradesmen that do a good job around the house for you
12. What better gift at Christmas for your Clients and Customers
13. Out fishing, no better companion
14. After the game, the reviver
15. THE best beer to quench your thirst
16. At the party
17. After work, the great relaxer
18. Watching footy on the Tele
19. With the mates out on the boat
20. With a big juicy steak

Step Two: Pick the three that you think are the most important to you. (you will enter them later)

Step Three: Add one more that you think is a great way or reason to
enjoy a Good Bastard

Step Four: Fill in the fields below and click submit
 

Win Eight Six Packs Of Good Bastards
Delivered to Your Door By Shop Naked

There are Three Packs to be won
21st OCTOBER
18th NOVEMBER
23rd DECEMBER

If you’re local doesn’t carry Good Bastards or you are Isolated then have your Good Bastards delivered anywhere in New Zealand with Shop Naked.
 

Will we make it to 20 000 Visits to our site in our first year?

As I write this at 9 22 pm on Saturday night, the Roosters have just nailed the Broncos for the grand final spot. And we have just clicked over 19300 in visits to the site since we began. Can we make it to 20 000?

The hits have, for whatever reason been down a little the last coupla weeks, and we may not make it. This is where you come in.

Click here to send this weeks news to a friend. Stuff it, send it to everyone in your address book and be a part of history and get us to 20 000 visits in our first year.
 

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Bill Craddock
 

Bill Cradock was on the field for the full game on the day of the Good Bastard World Cup. Bill has the Caltex Service Station near the Christchurch Airport.

Before that he operated Cradock’s Service Station and Cradock Transport in Westport.

Bill has had a long association with Rugby, he is a life member of the White Star Club in Westport he has been on the Buller Rugby Union and his Dad no less was the President of the New Zealand Rugby Union.

Bill put in a valiant game at the Good bastards Rugby world Cup and his red shorts signify he has certain privileges on the field.

Here’s to you Bill, you’re a gentleman and it was a pleasure meeting you.

Cheers
 

Steinie has a few opinions he was versed
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me...”

How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. NOW you know the TRUTH.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” I said, ”Dust!”

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,” I haven’t eaten anything for days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted. The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

All I can say is Steinie is a brave man saying all that and to protect the poor bastard I won’t reveal where he lives.


As a bit of Balance, we will include 5 secrets to romantic happiness

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.

Cameron, the photo of George W Bush with the book upside down
The Most Powerful man in the world and how he goes about the job at hand

Little Paddy

I get by with a little help from my friends.

The family was at a funeral and little Paddy let out a Harley Davidson of a fart.
“Paddy, manners please.’ Said his Dad.
“Sorry Dad, didn’t realise it was your turn.”
 

Gidday all you Good Bastards.

A quick question: Is it improper to use your own daughter as a marketing tool to try and get a free Commodore HSV?

(Try and slot that photo in Paddy.)
Sent separately Cameron

The bastards are all made of plastic nowadays anyway.

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!


QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. In fact, why don't you just leave me alone."
--ANON

And to keep the Good Bitches happy:
And God created Woman, giving her three breasts to nurse her young. And God spoke, saying to her, "Woman I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"
And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters, and you have given me two glorious hands, arms, feet, legs...etc. I do not need but two breasts."
And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom." There was a bolt of lightning, and it was done, and Woman stood there holding her third breast in her hand.
"What am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman asked.
And so it was, that God created man.

2 weeks till Bathurst...


Nick

Last word from Paddy

We are on the eve of our first year of putting out the Good Bastards News. We have never missed a week, a bit late a coupla times, but like the pony express we have come through.

It has represented in excess of 600 type written pages of stuff. I know many appreciate the effort and that is what keeps it going up.

The cost of producing the site each week is far less than the revenue that has been derived from it. If we have recouped 2% of the cost we would be lucky. However, I am optimistic that in the course of time we will indeed breakeven from the sale of our bits and pieces.

If we don’t, whose worrying, I’m certainly not. Life goes on, and the feedback and success of the Good Bastards ventures outside the site are what will keep paying the bills and bringing you this dollop of diatribe each week.

Your support is appreciated.

This weeks wacky site is
www.strainentertainment.com
 

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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