Monday September 23rd 2002
Issue # 51

Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.

Coming to you from a scungy little Internet café in Christchurch New Zealand run by a bloke from Pakistan who has a breath that would peel paint off a dunny wall.

Thought for the day: "The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes."

The Good Bastards Day
World Record Attempt

Yes Good Bastards Day is just around the corner, about seven weeks away and counting. Its on at various venues around the place. (You can organise one in your town, email me paddy@goodbastards.com)
 

Melanie, from Sixty Minutes with Paddy, Birchy and the Tank

This year we are having at least one world record attempt. Birchy, the man with the Centurion Tank that drove it clean through a house to get to the pub for a couple of Good Bastards. Will be having a shot at the world record for tanks jumping over cars.

He had a bit of a dummy rum during the filming of the Good Bastards program for sixty minutes and cleared three cars.

Well on Good Bastards Day he is having a shot at the big one. Ten cars, yes that’s right, ten of the bastards.

So make sure you are there to see this car-shattering event. There is nothing more graceful than a forty tonne Centurion Tank flying through the air and clearing a number of cars.

If you want to gain a bit of advertising, you can bring along your car and put it in the queue. It must less than five years old and be in good going order. You can advertise your business all over it and he cost is entirely reasonable. Only one dollar.

The last one on the queue, because it will get the most exposure, will be $2.00 so if you want to get the prime spot get in early.

Good Bastards Day is on the 5th of November, same day as the Melbourne Cup. At this stage there are two Venues. The Southland Hotel in Hokitika West Coast New Zealand on 03 7558344 and the Avoca Hotel, ten k’s up the Wanganui River in the North Island of New Zealand. For details phone Warren or Sally on 06 345 6410.

www.southlandhotel.com
 

If you want to host a Good Bastards Day, contact Paddy and find out how.
 

HERE IS HOW GREG FROM
www.wotzup.com
Sees the world record attempt

Bloody Leo
Katie: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
Bloody Leo: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
Katie: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
Bloody Leo: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Katie: "In the Lake."
 

From Steve Flynns Irish Archives
A woman to her Priest in Galway and said, " Father, I have a problem. I have two female Parrots at home but they only know how to say one thing. " What do they say my child?" asked the Priest. " They say, " Hi we're Prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's simply obscene " the shocked Priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. " But I may have the solution. I have two male Parrots at home that I've taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your Parrots to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Wayne and Kevin. My Parrots can teach your's to worship. Your Parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time. "

The next day the woman brought her Parrots to the Priest's house. As she was ushered in, she saw the Parrots were in their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her Parrots in the cage. After a few minutes of silence her Parrots cried out in unison, " Hi we're Prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun ?'

There was stunned silence in the cage. Finally one male Parrot looked at the other and exclaimed " Put the beads away, Kevin, our prayers have been answered! "

 

Hey Paddy,

Thought you would like this !!!!!

A recent survey in Australia relating to favoured sexual positions came up with the fact that Australians rated "doggie style" as the number one.

When questioned about "doggie style", 98% said that it was where the man "sat up and begged", then the woman "rolled over and played dead".

True story !!!

Cheers Steve

Win Good Bastards Beer for Christmas

The Natural Companion for a Great Time
 

Here’s the 20 most popular reasons why folk buy Good Bastards Beer.
Step one: Read them through

1. They like the taste
2. It doesn’t make you crook
3. It is a great way to tell a mate he/she is a Good Bastard
4. It is great to have at a party
5. It is a great gift for a Good Bastard
6. It is great for the barbie
7. It is great at Weddings
8. It is a ideal for a twenty first party
9. It is perfect for a stag party
10. What better beer for a wake after you have seen off a Good Bastard
11. Great for the tradesmen that do a good job around the house for you
12. What better gift at Christmas for your Clients and Customers
13. Out fishing, no better companion
14. After the game, the reviver
15. THE best beer to quench your thirst
16. At the party
17. After work, the great relaxer
18. Watching footy on the Tele
19. With the mates out on the boat
20. With a big juicy steak

Step Two: Pick the three that you think are the most important to you. (you will enter them later)

Step Three: Add one more that you think is a great way or reason to
enjoy a Good Bastard

Step Four: Fill in the fields below and click submit
 

Win Eight Six Packs Of Good Bastards
Delivered to Your Door By Shop Naked

There are Three Packs to be won
21st OCTOBER
18th NOVEMBER
23rd DECEMBER

If you’re local doesn’t carry Good Bastards or you are Isolated then have your Good Bastards delivered anywhere in New Zealand with Shop Naked.
 

Great sporting Photographs of the last century.
Passion in sport is the very thing that drives people to the pinnacle of success. Here are one of those moments captured on film.

Things that can really piss a Good Bastard off
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog shit, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There's a dog in the neighbourhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You put your can of coke down and then pick it up to have a drink and some bastard has stubbed their cigarette out in it.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tyre gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading and then the free air at the service station has stopped working.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
The very last one or two ice cubes won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You have grease on your hands from fixing the car and can't turn the doorknob to get back in the house and you are the only one at home.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. (Doesn’t apply to Prince Charles)
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. Then when you finally find something you like you can’t find one.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
 

The Good Bastards Hall Of Fame

Ian And Margaret Black
 

Ian Black
 

Haven’t got a picture of Margaret, bit of a shame really as she is far better looking than Ian.
 

Margret is the pick of the two, so we will let her off the hook. Now Ian is another matter. Sometimes known as the black cat he started off as an air traffic controller in Haast, back before they had the road through. We are not saying he is an old bastard here. He had a distinquished carreer in Air Traffic control. What that means is no bastard ever run into one another when he was telling them where to go.

He is a bit of a fisherman having learnt the trade from his dad up at Blacks piont just near Reefton. Both he and his dad were among the most successful fishermen in the district account of they had more dynamite than anyone else.

There are still holes in various rivers in the area that they caused that have now become favorite fishing spots for the yuppies.

Ian has progressed somewhat now and has a nine foot Sage Fly Rod. For those that don’t know what a Sage is it is the crème de crème of fishing rods, sort of like what a Rollex is to clocks.

You could say that Ian is a puress when it comes to fishing. He is also a handy bastard to have around when you need a hand putting up tents and stuff

The Blacks now live in Marton and have a bach on Lake Taupo where the sage gets the odd flick.

They have frequented a few Good Bastards Days and certainly add to the quality of attendees.

As parents of two and proud grand parents of three they lead a leasuially life in the town of Marton where Ian has recently scored a job once more in Traffic Controll on the Stop Go sign in their culdasac, keeps him flat out.

No finer Air Traffic Controller even held the sign.

Heres to you both.


 

Ladies Win A Good Bastards Polo T Shirt

Below are the Blokes rules that a bloke sent
In. It’s only fair that you have The Good
Bitches Rules. So come up with three and
help compile the Good Bitches Rules.
The best entry will win a Good Bastards
Polo Shirt. There will three other prizes of
Good Bastards Caps. Send your entry to
paddy@goodbastards.com

The Blokes Rules

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
7. Crying is blackmail.
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
13. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Check your oil! Please.
15. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
16. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
17. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
19. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
20. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
22. Captain Cook did not need directions, and neither do we.
23. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
24. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
25. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
26. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
27. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
28. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
29. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
30. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
31. You have enough clothes.
32. You have too many shoes.
33. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
34. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
35. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
36. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
And finally
37. I'm am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

 

Fishing in New Zealand.
By Bill Sharplin

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in New Zealand. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book!" she replied....as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and charge you."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate women. "But I haven't even touched you," groused the warden. "Yes," she replied, "but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think!!!


Dear Leroy,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your red hair, tattooed forehead and eyes and what’s a few piercing around the face.

My daughter said that in time I could grow to love your braided hair and your dog collar. Did that really belong to a Doberman that killed five people?

Well I think that I am starting to grow quite fond of you.

I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool.

I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's $30 million Power Ball
Lotto.
 

Leroy
(What Pat Condon would have looked like if Linda hadn’t corralled him)
 

Pat Condon Reckons
Any fool can offer advice and most fools do. Their advice is free and worth every cent of it. Take Sweeney for a prime example. He works on the basis that you should never hesitate to give advice account of it helps pass the time and no bastard listens anyway.

The only advice I can give you here is this. The only time to be positive is when you are dead certain you are wrong.
 

Quotable Quotes

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams



 

Another from the Irish Archives of Steve Flynn
A woman from Cork decides to have a facelift for 46th birthday. She spends Euro11, 000 and feels pretty good with herself about the results.

On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales assistant: I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the assistant replies.
"I'm actually 46," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman says, "You are my friend for life! Actually, I am 46!"

Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an elderly man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 83 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your briefs. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence at the empty bus-stop and deserted street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says,
"What the heck! Why not let you go ahead? But stand facing me between me and passing cars, so as nobody can have a HINT as to what you are doing, let alone properly see."

The elderly gent slips both hands down the front of her knickers and begins to rummage around.
After what seemed like several minutes, and disconcerted by his heavy breathing, she finally pushes him in the chest and says,
"Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 46."
Stunned, the woman says, "That's amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replies, "Well, it was easy. I was standing behind you in the queue in McDonald's."
 

Good Bastards Cartoons

A magnificent ice cave

In the Franz Josef Glacier, a few miles from where Paddy grew up.

Little Paddy
Little Paddy: hey Dads what’s sex.

Paddys dad stopped mowing the lawn and went to a lengthy discussion and explained the birds and the bees. After he had finished he asked.

“Why do you want to know son?”

Little Paddy: Oh, mum said to tell you that lunch would be ready in a couple of secs.”

 

Nick from the morning rumble on the ROCK

A drunken man (Bloody Leo) gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
Bloody Leo jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Fucking Hell!!!! I'm on the wrong bus!"


 

Last word from Paddy

Lets take the piss out of the banks. Banks use to have managers now they have teller machines, mechanical voices on the phone and arseholes that parade as managers that have as much business nous as a two bob watch.

My bank is the ANZ, because don’t borrow anything off the bastards I am not behoven to them.

No your bloody wrong Bloody Leo, the bastards are on my case to lend me lucre that I don’t want.

The ANZ have long Queues and like all banks the staff refer to their employer as “THEM” Obviously they don’t see themselves as part of the team. What team would be a fair assertion? Other than that I pay the fees and they process my money.

A while back I dealt with Australia’s biggest for about twelve years. The NAB, Hooter does to; he reckons they get their managers from the rejects of the car salesman’s school.

Now, a few years ago I hit a bit of rough air and was having trouble feeding the family. Did the NAB give a care? They couldn’t have cared less. They had lent me the umbrella and now that it was raining they wanted it back and were prepared to destroy me to get it.

The great joy in all that was confronting the manager who tried to rip my arms off and use me as jet ski over the phone.

What powder puff he turned out to be when I took my chair around to his side of the desk. It sure makes them feel uncomfortable, they don’t know if you’re a nutter or am going to whack em or what.

“I just wanted to feel how powerful it was to be around this side,” I told him, “when you’re intimidating the crap out of me.” I think he felt intimidated.

His name was Bill Wallace “Now we will see who if you’re a direct descendant of William Wallace,” otherwise known as Brave Heart I said to him.

I never achieved stuff all, but I felt better at having had a shot at the prick. He did treat me better on his phone calls after that.

 

This weeks wacky site is

http://www.createafart.com/
I know some great farters and I think they know who they are, I’m sure they will get a kick out of this.



 

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

---

Last Update: 22/09/2002 Original Design by Capt'n Jack Javascript used with permission.

© 2001-2002 Good Bastards Privacy Statement

Site Design & Maintenance by