Bloody Leo

When Bloody Leo was a young bloke, yes he use to be, he hasn’t always been a grumpy old bastard, he went to England for a couple of years for a bit of OE.

The only job he could get was as a butler. He told them he had been a butler in a previous life. He meant by name not profession. Anyway the old duck doing the hiring gave him a start. Now the ole BL has a bit of class under all the growls, jowls and shitty looks and bugger me if I’m a protestant poofter, he held the job down for quite a while. There were rumours about a bit of this and that with the old girl, but Bloody Leo assures me that that is pure unadulterated bullshit. I believe him, I’ve seen her, and She’d have never been in it, far too good looking. Anyway here is the incident that ended the working relationship.

Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Bloody Leo: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that since I first met the snobby bastards."
 

WARNING
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date-rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere.

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex if offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages

 

Can we make it to 20 000 visits in our first year??
We are bearing down on 20 000 visits to this site. There is a little metre right at he bottom. Who would have thought that we would be averaging over 3000 hits a month when we first started! We have cracked 18 000 and we have a little ways to go to October the 10th, the Birthday of our first edition.

A lot of sites fudge their metre to make them look more successful than they really are, some even start with 5000 hits, not us. We started at one and have just let it click away each week.

On the week of our birthday we will give a breakdown of the stats. The question is will we make it to 20 000 visits? Hooter sez “Nah, ya dreamin.” I reckon we will although it will be close.

So tell your mates, friends, rels, boss etc etc to come along and visit.

Before Viagra

 

Win Good Bastards Beer for Christmas

The Natural Companion for a Great Time
 

Here’s the 20 most popular reasons why folk buy Good Bastards Beer.
Step one: Read them through

1. They like the taste
2. It doesn’t make you crook
3. It is a great way to tell a mate he/she is a Good Bastard
4. It is great to have at a party
5. It is a great gift for a Good Bastard
6. It is great for the barbie
7. It is great at Weddings
8. It is a ideal for a twenty first party
9. It is perfect for a stag party
10. What better beer for a wake after you have seen off a Good Bastard
11. Great for the tradesmen that do a good job around the house for you
12. What better gift at Christmas for your Clients and Customers
13. Out fishing, no better companion
14. After the game, the reviver
15. THE best beer to quench your thirst
16. At the party
17. After work, the great relaxer
18. Watching footy on the Tele
19. With the mates out on the boat
20. With a big juicy steak

Step Two: Pick the three that you think are the most important to you. (you will enter them later)

Step Three: Add one more that you think is a great way or reason to
enjoy a Good Bastard

Step Four: Fill in the fields below and click submit
 

Win Eight Six Packs Of Good Bastards
Delivered to Your Door By Shop Naked

There are Three Packs to be won
21st OCTOBER
18th NOVEMBER
23rd DECEMBER

If you’re local doesn’t carry Good Bastards or you are Isolated then have your Good Bastards delivered anywhere in New Zealand with Shop Naked.
 

Let me get the frig out of here
 

Paddy and Paddy
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart"
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house.. Paddy" he said
"Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house..
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more..
"PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFF A MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS !!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah fook it" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one."
 

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Mary Teen
 

Mary Teen is the mother of three boys and three girls, all Good Bastards. Most of who have figured here. Mary and her late husband Murph were the publicans at the Southland Hotel for about twenty years. The Hotel has been in the family for 118 years.

Mary is currently doing a stint in the Hospital recovering from a fall and all the Good Bastards send her there best wishes and are willing her a speedy recovery.

In the early formative years of many of the original Good Bastards, Mary was the surrogate mother to us all. She put up with our carrying ons after footy trips, raiding the kitchen and sneaking back into the bar after it was shut.

A happier more pleasant lady you would never find, mind you her boys could test her. For my money I would rate her the consummate publican.

Mary has been to all our Good Bastards Days and we look forward to her attending many more.

Next time your having a drink, dink a toast to Mary Teen, I certainly will be.

Heres to you Mary.

 

Great sporting Photographs of the last century.
Passion in sport is the very thing that drives people to the pinnacle of success. Here are one of those moments captured on film.

Kurt and Louise sent this one
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."

The girl took his hands and said, "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've
become a prostitute."

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me; his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant."
 

One from the Irish Archives Of Steve Flynn
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Buggar off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Pat Condon Reckons
Treat her right and she will never leave you.
Treat her wrong and she will never leave you alone.
 

Good Bastards Cartoons

Dear Abby
The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer:
 

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?
 

Beautiful Franz Josef Glacier

(Three miles from where Paddy used to live when he was a kid)
 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

 

Hooter reports in on these Bloody Chain Letters
Hello, my name is Hooter. I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion frigging chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead and an ear growing on her arse will be able to raise enough money to shit? Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are you?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking person in the magazine!" What a load of crap. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5AD and brought to the Australia by midget pilgrims on one of the convict carriers in 17 friggin who knows when.

Stuff them!

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, piss it off by deleting it.

If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll give if you forward this email.

Oh, by the way all you idiots out there...
NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY - YET!!!!!!.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
 

Very Important Information for Blokes
A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.
 

Little Paddy
Paddy had been put over his dads knee and had his arse whipped.

Dad: Now tell me why I did I do that for?

Paddy: Bloody Hell!!!! First you belt shit out of me and you don’t know why the bloody hell you did it?

Nick from the morning rumble on the ROCK

Gidday you Good Bastards...

Paddy, I've just started reading your book, "It's a Bloody Try..." Bloody funny. I got through 1/3rd of it last night before the missus threatened to cut off my balls if I didn't turn the bloody light out.

This businessman in a nice suit was walking down the street when a little Maori kid said to him, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"
The businessman stopped, unbuttoned his cufflinks looked at his watch and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
The little Maori boy said, "Thanks, mister. At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."
With that, the kid took off running, and with a shout, the businessman started chasing him. He had not been
running long when an old friend stopped him.
He said, “Why are you running like this at your age?”
The businessman, bent over with his hands on his knees, gasping for breath said, “That little bastard asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!”
His mate said, “So what’s your hurry? You still have ten minutes!”


 

Hooter Movin in
 

Last word from Paddy
If at first you don’t succeed, then maybe skydiving is not for you. Thought they had a point there. About to bolt to NZ to attend to matters pending, including the Good Bastards Rugby world Cup and The Good Bastards Bar and Grill. No doubt I will meet up with a heap of Good Bastards and enjoy a few Good Bastards. In NZ for a week and have a big agenda to get through, all good stuff for the future of the Good Bastards movement. We will keep you posted.

This week’s wacky site is
Doesn’t it piss you off when the useless bastard at the other end of the phone gabbles. No I’m not getting at you Bloody Leo. Well here is a great example of how a phone call can go. I think you will understand what I mean.
www.superlaugh.com/1/buttplug.htm

 

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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