Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later Bloody Leo returned to see the doc and complained that they didn't produce the desired results.

The Doc: "Have you been taking them regularly?"

Bloody Leo: "What do you think I've been doing, shoving them up my arse?"
 

Dirty Rotten stinking Absolutely Useless Bastards
While George the destroyer is en-route to bump off Saddam Whoisinsane and a few thousand innocents, (by the way George is not going himself) maybe he should pop into Nigeria and have them tidy up their act.

You have probably heard about Amina Lawal, the Nigerian woman convicted of adultery and having a child outside marriage, who has been sentenced to death by stoning by the court. It is particularly shocking that the judge has decided that she should be stoned to death as soon as her eight month old daughter is weaned - what a tragedy for her and for her baby.

What a stupidity for the rest of the world to stand by and watch it happen. Or should that be let it happen. The arseholes behind this, the Nigerian Government are committing an act that if anyone in the free world did we would get 25 years peeping out behind the concrete reinforcing.

Amnesty International has organised a petition, which you can sign online and which will be forwarded to the President of Nigeria - you can sign it by clicking here: http://www.mertonai.org/amina/

You can sit on your hands and do nothing, be a useless bastard. Or you can write to the Arseholes who propagate this crap. Choice is yours, if you choose not to sit on your hands here is the address on what to say and who to write it to.

http://web.amnesty.org/web/content.nsf/pages/gbr_nigeria

I hope that you will sign it, and pass this on to other people - it seems the least we can do for her.

One from the Irish Archives of Steve Flynn
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Political Correctness
Found in a Government document: As we widen the net to gather in all forms of the written and spoken word we are now starting to embrace some of the “Slang Statements" that prevail within the English Language.

The term wanker will now be referred to as “Owner Operator."

Bullshit bullshit bullshit, a wanker is a wanker is a wanker is a bloody wanker, end of story.

Good Bastards Rugby World Cup
Photo of the Cup
20th 21st and 22nd of September
QE2 Stadium
Christchurch
Learn all about it | Register a team
 

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Tania and Mike Alford
 

Alan Kerr with Mike Alford

Now here are a couple of real Good Bastards. They hail from the mighty South Westland in a town call Whataroa. Mike is the local telephone man, fixing up the faults the length and breadth of South Westland.

Apart from being the mother and caring for two great children, Tania is the barmaid at the Whataroa pub.

Mike and Tarn are part of the original Good Bastards, right at he beginning. The Good Bastard Hilton, which is the catalyst for the whole Good Bastard movement.

Most of you know the story, if not click here.

Mike and Pat Condon built the Good Bastards Hilton and what a bloody good job they did. You can’t drive a car to it; you can only go by helicopter or by Jet boat. Or a day’s walk. Even then you won’t find it even if you know where it is. Mike and Pat hid the bastard.

Always great company over a meal you won’t get much better than these two
 

Good Bastards Cartoons

Pat Condon Reckons
I’ve finally bought a bloody computer. Bastard of thing really, can’t bloody type so I did this typing course. Here is the result of the first lesson.

(o) (o) perfect breasts {O} {O} D cups

(+) (+) Fake silicone breasts (oYo) Wonda bra breasts

(*) (*) High nippled Breasts (^) (^) Cold breasts

(@) (@) Big nippled breasts (o) (O) Lopsided breasts

(Q) (Q) Pieced nipples (p) (p) Hanging tassels

\o/ \o/ Old woman’s breasts (--) (--) Flat agin the shower door breasts

|o| |o| Androids breasts ($) ($) Elle McPherson’s breasts

I think the instructor was a boob man.
 

GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT...
The government announced today that it is changing it's emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.
 

Hooters Simple Approach to life
I need serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill
today because they ticked me off.

Also, I must be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

I need to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
 

Lindsay and Marie Courtis Travel Advice
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Israel.

In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver..."Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

New Slant on the New Slant on the Convent
A man driving down a deserted stretch of highway notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
Thinking it was just a figment of his imagination he drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign...
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
He begins to realize that these signs are real. He then drives past a third sign...
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door...
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a plate. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the plate, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet, places it in the plate, trots eagerly down the hall, and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign...
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

Hear Ye, Hear Ye Hear Ye
Are ya listening ya bastard???
Every Good Bastard is invited

The Good Bastards World Cup Dinner
 

The Funky Red Hot Mamas
These gals are a couple of very talented Entertainers and Musicians... You will love them!

Minor Details: It is at QE 2 Stadium Travis Road New Brighton. Its 30 bucks a head for a bloody good feed and you can buy all the Good Bastards Beer and Wine you drink. There will be a few Good Bastards Prizes and awards, few gags, few other bits and pieces of entertainment activity. Bar will be open from Six might even be earlier. Get a group or come by yourself, doesn’t matter, if you’re a Good Bastard you will be most welcome.
Get Your Tickets Now
We need to know the numbers for catering purposes.
Ring Great Events on 03 3771700 to book
COULD YOU DO US A GREAT FAVOUR AND DO IT NOW
It is on Saturday 21st of September 2002
It is fully intended that this will be one of the great nights out this year.
 

George Bush under Attack
It all happened a few years from now, George Bush was caught up in his own bullshit trying to kill folk to make he world a better place and somehow he got caught up in his own bullshit.
He immediately goes to ... hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
”Don't know what to do,” says the devil. "You are defiantly on my list, but have no room for you. You unquestionably have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large swimming pool. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. He was looking for solutions to the entire world crisis’s he didn’t solve at the bottom of the pool. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long. And besides I solved all the world crises by killing everyone. No that’s not me."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time. He was symbolically paying for being a world leader and a crook at the same time.
This made Gorge a bit nervous, because he always looked up to Richard Nixon.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 

“Geez George, you sure can fart for a president.”
“Eggs Colin, eggs, its only friggin eggs, live with it.”
 

Three Blokes that Kurt and Louise know
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of First Grade!"
The second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the pub with dad, and coming home with my mum!"
 

Great sporting Photographs of the last centaury.
Passion in sport is the very thing that drives people to the pinnacle of success. Here are one of those moments captured on film.

World Famous Quotes

My Mother never saw the irony in calling me “A son of a Bitch.”
-Jack Nicholson

The Good Bastards Bar and Grill

The Good Bastards Bar and Grill is slowly coming into line. We plan to build the first one in Christchurch and the Company will be having its first board meeting later this month. Ernst and Young have put drawn up a very good business plan and that will be ratified this month.

Click Here and fill out survey form as to what you think a Good Bastards bar and Grill should contain.

A Day in the Life of the Police
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid that was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When
the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and
says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

How to Deal with trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 150 kilos. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Mohammed Ali too.
Said the policeman; "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't
you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four
minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

Early morning learning
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car
parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was
stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture,” the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

World famous Lake Matheson

(Just down the road from where Paddy was brought up)
 

It’s a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard

The definitive guide to country rugby

The Book is selling well out there. It is only available in New Zealand Book from all good stores. Paper Plus and Whitcoulls have it in all their stores. Get your copy from there or from the Good Bastards Shop Click Here

Corporate lessons according to Cameron Smith
Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,” I’ll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable Exposure!

Corporate lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3
Usually the executives and staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf.
Finding:
As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labour cause haemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children are enough.

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q: The more pregnant I get the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q: How long is the average woman in labour?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

 

Choice answers to a number of questions that you will be asked
• Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
• Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mum?
• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
• Do I look like a freakin' people person?
• This isn't an office -- It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
• Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
• I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
• If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• And your crybaby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?
• I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you."
• Better living through denial.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
• I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
• Don't worry. I forgot your name too!
• Adults are just kids who owe money.
• How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor!
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
• Okay, okay, I take it back! Unscrew you!
• Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
• Nice after-shave. Must you marinate in it?
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Chaos, panic & disorder -- my work here is done.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• You look like shit. Is that the style now?
• Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
• Earth is full. Go home.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted to be paid.
• Meandering to a different drummer.
• I'm not tense, just terribly terribly alert.

A Bit Of Pommy Humour
What follows is a superb example of English humour. The piece proves three things:

1) You're not the only one who gets poor service from your ISP.
(NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)

2) The Brits get a better education than most Americans, enabling them to write some fine letters of complaint.

3) This was sent in by a Pom

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your three-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service, which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived ... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your Internet server’s downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.

I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services, which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -- quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
 

Little Paddy
Little Paddy and Little Bloody Leo were standing at the urinal at school the first day they were there and inspecting each other’s willies.

Little Paddy: Your bloody doodle doesn’t have any skin on the end of it.

Little Bloody Leo: I’ve been circumcised

Little Paddy: What’s that mean?

Little Bloody Leo: It means they cut the skin off the end.

Little Paddy: How old were you when they did it.

Little Bloody Leo: Mum said I was two days old.

Little Paddy: Did it hurt?

Little Bloody Leo: You bet, I couldn’t walk for a bloody year.
 

Nick from the morning rumble on the ROCK

Pat Bloody Condon’s not the only one learning to type, however he struck the better tutor, mine is an arse bandit, I’m sure of it.
(_!_) A regular ass (__!__) A fat ass

(__)(__) A "wide load" ass (!) A tight ass

(_*_) A sore ass {_!_} A swishy ass

(_o_) An ass that's been around (_x_) Kiss my ass

(_X_) Leave my ass alone (_zzz_) A tired ass

(_E=mc2_) A smart ass (_?_) Dumb ass

(_Lame_) Lame ass (_jack_) Jackass

(_-$_) Cheap ass (_0_) A Prison ass

(_) Half ass (®^®) Registered ass

(__|___) Lop sided ass (_:_) 2 holed ass

(_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around)

(Mom)(__) Tattooed ass (_)||(_) Buggered ass

()() Ass print on a window ( * * ) Ass with dimples

(_X X_) A kicked ass (_%_) An average ass

(_$_) A rich ass [_!_] A hard ass

Not only that the bastards can’t spell arse.

AND INSULTS: YOUR MOTHER IS SO FAT...
The enormo-boss lady at the doctor's office is so fat...
...even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction
...when she gets on the scale, it says "we don't weigh livestock"
...the back of her neck looks like a pack of Mad Butcher sausages
...her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a potato

Any ways... you'll all use those jokes so STFU!!

Love you long time GI!!

Nick

 

Last word from Paddy
I had to get a new Photo for the publicity for the new book. Here it is.

The Latest Photo of Paddy

 

Wacky Sites
This week’s wacky site is
www.link4u.com/13th.htm

http://wtv-zone.com/JBond/chowmein.swf
 

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

 

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