Monday September 2nd 2002 Issue # 48
Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.

Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

Thought for the day: A lie by some other name is what makes mushrooms grow

Win The Good Bastards
Gold Nugget

The Good Bastard Gold Nugget is up for grabs. Discovered by Evan Birchfield at his goldmine in Ross (Evan is the tank man you saw drive through the house on Sixty Minutes when they did the show on Good Bastards earlier this year)

You can win the Nugget by writing a short Good Bastards Story click here to see Frank Ash’s entry.  It can be a true story or it can be one that you have created.  The competition closes in Mid October, which isn’t that far away.

So throw your thinker into gear and then get your entry to:

Paddy Sweeney

Good Bastards Gold Nugget Competition

Po Box 5119

Gold Coast Mail Centre

Bundall Gold Coast

Queensland

Australia

Here is Greg Davidson’s version of the Good Bastards Gold Nugget

What is it that we are going to announce that we are TAKING OVER on the First Birthday of the Good Bastards Web Site???

On October the 8th we have had the web site going 12 months. Click here to have a look at our very first Good Bastards News. Pretty bloody basic, although Bloody Leo is bound to say it was better.  You can also go to Archives and check out any of our thus far 48 editions.

On week 53 we will be making an announcement about a TAKE OVER that we are going to implement.  Every bastards guessing as to what it will be. Pat Bloody Condon reckons it is Food.  He is wrong. How the frig we take over food I’m not sure, so I have left Pat to work on it.

What do you think it is?  Send me an email if you think you have it figured out and we will send you a prize. paddy@goodbastards.com

Greg Davidson from www.wotzup.com has been working his thinker and come up with a few possibilities

Mind Benders from Hippie

It’s a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard

 The definitve guide to country rugby

The book sales have been going great, either a lot of happy dads out there or a bunch of miffed ones saying, “What the hell did you buy me that crap for!”

We have left a few of the spelling mistakes in there just to piss the schoolteachers off.  They seem to think they have a mortgage on how stuff is spelt.  Hyndsie told me it shows no initiative if you only have one way of spelling anything.  He reckons I’ve got heaps of initiative.

The radio stations in New Zealand have been giving us a good hearing.

Nick and Rog on the Rock had a chat on Friday.  As did Burnsie from the breakfast show on Magic FM in Palmerston North.  Tim Cododan from Radio Central down in Alexandra also had a chat Friday. Monday Morning it was Garth Lischner at Hits 89 FM in Masterton

Coming up this week: John Marby on KCC in Whangerie Plus a number of other that have yet to confirm the exact time.

“Helen Didn’t Sign This Bastard”

You can still send in an entry for our photo Competition.  This one has been sent in by a bashful young lady who said “I had a helluva job getting someone to take the bloody photo” Thankfully she finally located someone, apparently he dropped the camera three times steamed up the lens twice and the first twelve shots were blurred because he was shaking so much.

John Tacons Sent In  His Medical Report
A man walks into the doctor's office....
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."
Doc - "What??"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign  of  stress. Do you suffer from stress? Man - "Not really."
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack."

Doc - "That sounds very stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated."

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets."

Doc - "That sounds stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn videos and eat Twisties."

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup

UPDATE

Well the registrations are still coming in. However there are a heap of Good Bastards out there that are talking about coming and haven’t committed. Hey guys and gals we need your commitment to help make this thing work.

Drop me an email if I can help in anyway or Ring the King Pin himself Neil Blanchfield on 021 315 007

Giday Ya Good Bastard is the first do on the Friday night. We will have the screen up to watch Canterbury and Auckland do battle in the NPC comp.  Rugby draw for games on Saturday and Sunday will be available closer to the time. THEN on the Saturday Night ……

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup Dinner

All Good Bastards are invited to buy a ticket and attend

It is going to be a great night. The Funky Red Hot Mamas will be putting on a great burst of Entertainment. You will get a decent feed, plenty of Good Bastards Beer, great wine and great company.

What bloody more could you want!

QE 2 Stadium Saturday Night the 21st of September, more details next week. Drop me an email if you’re interest in coming along. paddy@goodbastards.com

Sunday Arvo

The Presentation of

The Good Bastards World Cup

The winner of the Good Bastards World Cup will be announced and the presentation made.  Now this doesn’t necessarily go to the team that has won the most games, scored the most points or kicked the most goals!

We have worked out a formula to come up with who is the team of “True Good Bastards” This involves who has shown the best team spirit on and off the field. It about who enjoys themselves the most, who are not selfish bastards, who play the game for the fun it, for the camaraderie and the good times.

The Super Twelves are Great, the NPC fantastic and the Bledisloe elusive in the meantime.  But somewhere in amongst all this the Good Bastards who pay for all that one way or another, tends to be left a little on the sideline while commercialism drives on through.  Good Bastards Rugby is above and beyond that. 

Come along on two days of Rugby and three great piss ups and restore amateur Rugby back to its original glory.

Friday Night, 21st Saturday 21st Sunday 22nd September

QE2 Stadium Christchurch

Steve Flynn has one from his Irish Archives

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and shamus, were stumbling home late one night and
found themselves on the road which led past an old graveyard.” come and have
a look over here, It’s Mike O'Gradys grave, god bless his soul, he lived to a
ripe old age of 87". "That's nothing,” said Sean "Here’s one named Patrick O
Toole and it says here that he was 85 when he died". Just then Shamus yelled
out "But there’s a fella here that died when he was 145 years old".
"What his name"? Asked Paddy. Shamus strikes a match to see what else written
on the stone marker, and exclaims,” Miles from Dublin".

The Good Bastards Shop

Click here to go to the Good Bastards Shop

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo: Why is it that blokes have difficulty making eye contact?

Paddy: Buggared if I know!

Bloody Leo: Boobs don't have eyes.

The Good Bastards Bar and Grill

The Good Bastards Bar and Grill is slowly coming into line.  We plan to build the first one in Christchurch and the Company will be having its first board meeting later this month.  Ernst and Young have put drawn up a very good business plan and that will be ratified this month.

Click Here and fill out survey form as to what you think a Good Bastards bar and Grill should contain.

Peter Campion Cracked One

Jim and Mary were both long-term patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him, swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out, gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and revived him.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry to have to tell you this, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself.  I put him there to dry

Heres a new slogan I came up with over the weekend:

Good Bastards Beer, the natural companion for great times and great friends

Get Your Good Bastards Beer From

--Liquor King

--The Mill Liquor Save

--Super Liquor

And all Good Liquor Stores and Super Markets

If the bastards haven’t got it in stock, give them a bloody good serve for being dumb bastards

Paddy

Paddy is an optimist, he goes fishing with a frying pan and a camera, his favorite drink is the next one.

Good Bastards Cartoon

We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter.

Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.

Good Bastards Hall Of Fame

Ted and Malian Phillipps

Ted and Maliam Phillipps are a two real Good Bastards.  I have known Ted since the late seventies and during that time-shared many a laugh and an equal amount of pints.

Ted is one of the most dedicated salespeople I have ever met. His ability to focus on and achieve goals is awesome.

A caring man for his family and his clients alike, you sure know you have a good mate when you are lucky enough to be able to count Ted as one of them as I have.

He and Maliam have a great family of six very fine children. 

Ted cut his teeth on the PMA philosophy of W Clement Stone, someone who I also respect to the highest degree.  It has contributed to Ted obtaining exemplary honours in the Million Dollar Round table of the Life Insurance Industry and achieving a great number of worthy milestones along the way.

The Phillipp’s live north of Auckland and Ted runs his insurance brokerage business from the Town of Helensvale.

A total convert to the taste of Good Bastards beer, I’m looking forward to many more laughs and many more pints, only now it is with the world’s best beer.

Heres to you Ted and Maliam.

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations

Who do you know is a Good Bastard?  You can nominate someone or a couple as Good Bastard(s). Doesn’t matter what country.  All you have to do is email us a photo and background information and why you think they should be admitted to the Good Bastards Hall of Fame. paddy@goodbastards.com

Pat Condon Reckons

Been dealing with this arsehole who fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down, he was so thick it took him two days to watch sixty minutes. And another thing; Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. But what the heck, I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain to any bastard who will listen.

Thoughtless Bastard

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he
says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You jerk," yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

News From The Doctor
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on TV. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife,
"What did the doctor say?"

She replied,

"You're gonna die"

 

Pre-Nuptial Agreement

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

.

IT’S FREE

Here's where you join...

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

 Receive the Good Bastards News emailed to you each week

·  The club you are having when you are not having a club.

·   ·  No formal meetings

·   ·  No formal Rules

·   ·  No Fuss No Bother

·   ·  Plenty of benefits and its free

·   Our membership is growing; Have You Joined Yet is our current theme.  Its free, there are many benefits now and in the future.  Not too far down the track we will be posting a much shorter headline version of The Good Bastards News and then mailing the full version to members only.

We don’t give your email address or other information to anyone else.

Click here to find out more, or fill out the form below to join now!

Membership to the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is restricted to those 18 years of age and older.

Guess whose Belly Button

--Bloody Leo

--Hyndsie

--Pat Condons

--Hooters

--Paddy

--Paul Teen

--Hutch

--Heveldt, take your pick which one.

Inconsiderate Bastard

A woman gave birth to six babies and on seeing this she got out of her  hospital bed
and slapped her husband and shouted,

"I told you not to go doggy style".

Great sporting Photographs of the last century.

Passion in sport is the very thing that drives people to the pinnacle of success. Here are one of those moments captured on film.

Hooters gunna sue

Was having a beer with Hooter coupla days ago and he was telling me, “First they sue the tobacco companies because they’re gonna die from them lung cancer; Then the fast food places for making the fat bastards fat.”

Then after he took another slug of beer. He stared forlornly into the shelves across the bar ad thought for a while and then said.
“Guess I can sue the breweries for all the ugly women I have slept with”

Can You Answer This???

80% of Kindergartners solved this riddle.

But only 5% of Stanford graduates figured it out!

Can you answer the following question?

1. The word has seven letters...

2. Preceded God...

3. Greater than God...

4. More Evil than the devil...

5. All poor people have it...

6. Wealthy people need it...

7. If you eat it, - you will die!

Can you figure it out?

The Answer is Elsewhere.

Wayne Chapman reports in

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,

They won't let me fart."

Little Paddy

Uncle Hank:  Have you still got that harmonica I gave you for Christmas.

Little Paddy: Sure have, best present I ever got.

Uncle Hank: So you can play it then.

Little Paddy: No, but Mum pays me a Dollar not to play it during the day, and Dad pays me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

Nick from the morning rumble on the ROCK reports on their

Politically Incorrect Party

Hi Paddy you Good Bastard.

We had our Politically Incorrect Party last night. Gavin and Ursula, the winners of the P.I.P, are South African and they invited all their Yarpie mates over and we all got shit-faced on Good Bastards Lager and Dark Ale. No hangover this morning either! Must be all them natural ingredients. Anyway, before this starts sounding too much like a commercial, thanks for the GB beer and here's this weeks contribution... 

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. The sight of him pulling down his pants did not diminish her anxiety! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.
"Then lie back," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."

Thirty Things You Might Never Hear A Good Bastard Say
1. I just love how Ricky Martin sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Helen Clark is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Forget the footy. Let's watch the "Shopping Network."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when you hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my sexy neighbor knows that her blinds are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell 
her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?

A guy from Katikati moves to Auckland, and the indoor plumbing amazes him. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements.
As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of an Indian. See the bits of undigested naan bread and it's smells of curry? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap...see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a homo."

The bloke from Katikati says, "How can you tell it was from a homo?"
The inspector answers, "Well see, it's dented on one end."

And on that note, catch you turd denters next week.

Nick

Here are the frequencies:

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

Last word from Paddy

Prince Charles is launching his own fashion label.  That’s a bit like Saddam who is in sane opening a lingerie shop.  We have all heard about Charles with his FOX HAT that Liz suggested he wear.  But this is something else.

I wonder what it will include, maybe Charleys ear muffs, hey could take the pattern off a taxi with the doors open.  Nose warmer; they could use a stump jump plough for that.

What sort of Jocks would he wear?  Maybe they could have a few starting with a g string called the “Carmila Killers” through to the long Johns called “Mummies favourites

This weeks wacky site is

Well Spring arrived yesterday and to signal the start of some really great things here is a site to get things going for you. www.link4u.com/spring.htm

The Answer is:

NOTHING!

NOTHING has 7 letters

NOTHING preceded God

NOTHING is greater than God

NOTHING is more Evil than the devil

All poor people have NOTHING

Wealthy people need NOTHING

If you eat NOTHING, you will die

Don't feel bad - I have to admit that I couldn't solve it either and had to look at the answers.

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

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