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Monday August 12th 2002
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Dedicated to fixing up political correctness. |
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Brought to you for your drinking pleasure
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Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland
Thought for the day: "Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can’t even get into my own pants."
The Best Father's Day Present on the Planet!
It leaves the printer this week with a massive shipment being air freighted from Australia to New Zealand. Paper Plus have ordered the most with Whitcoulls also ordering a significant number. Other good bookshops throughout New Zealand will also have it in stock. It sells for $19.95. It is not being released in Australia at this stage.
Members of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards can buy it here at a 30% discount, $13.95 post and packaging is $5.00 so there is bugger all savings. You will get one quicker and you can have it personally autographed copy for your Dad on Fathers day.
Good Bastards, the larrikins guide for success is also available with an autograph @ $19 .95 or with the 30% discount for members is $13.95
Or if you buy both and are members of The Most Recent Order of Good Bastards (CLICK HERE to join) they would normally be $27.95 plus $5 postage and packaging total $32.95. Special deal, we’ll cop the postage and packaging $27.95 all up.
If you want a Good Bastards polo shirt as well, we’ll call it $50.00 in Australia or New Zealand Add $10.00 elsewhere and we are all square and you have the best Good Bastards Fathers day present on the planet.
Helen Did Sign This Bastard!
WHO OWNS THIS
ARSE?
Yes, we finally got a work of art that Helen
did sign. And what a work of art it is. It is the latest entry in the “Helen
Didn’t Sign This Bastard Competition:
You can figure it out for yourself at this stage whose arse crack it is. Suffice it to say that it is an un-named Good Bastard who might be visiting from overseas.
Not only that, it is a well-known arse crack, even my 84 year old mother in law recognised it. For one reason or another it has seen fresh air in public places quite often.
We still need more photos, get your entry in and win 4 dozen of Good Bastards Beer. There are Amateur and Professional divisions. Send it too paddy@goodbastards.com
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LINKS ! |
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Paddys other business |
The best way to play Australian Lotto three times a week |
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Good Bastards Drag Racing Team |
Wild Foods Festival |
Rugby Racing and Beer |
| Wotzup Australia | ||
This happened when Bloody Leo was a younger man, single in fact, living
at home. He and Paddy were in a bar getting slightly and nicely.
Suddenly Bloody Leo throws up all over himself. He says, “Oh no. Mum will bloody
kill me. I‘ve spewed all over the good jumper with the reindeer and the
squirrels that she just knitted for me”
Paddy says, “Don’t worry, I did the same thing just the other day. Just tuck a
$20 note in your top pocket and tell her that someone threw up on you and gave
you $20 for the dry cleaning bill. She washes it, keeps the twenty and you are
home free.” So they stay for another couple of hours and get even more pissed.
Eventually they stagger off in their different directions and on arrival home,
Bloody Leos mum starts to give him a hard time, “You stink of booze and you’ve
puked all over yourself, my god you’re disgusting.” Speaking very carefully so
as not to slur his words, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had
one drink, but this man got sick on me – he’d obviously had one too many or else
he couldn’t hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me $20 for the
cleaning bill. If you don’t believe me, look in my top pocket.”
She looks in his top pocket and says, “But there’s $40 here.”
He says, “Ah, yes but he shit in me trousers too”.
Good Bastards Rugby World Cup
20th 21st 22nd September 2002
QE11 Stadium
CHRISTCHURCH
In just 6 weeks the inaugural Good Bastards world Cup will be held.
This story from stuff.co.nz
09 August 2002
New Zealand may have lost sub-hosting rights to next year's Rugby World Cup
but a group of Good Bastards have come up with an alternative.
Good Bastards has its origins on the West Coast and has been gathering support
around New Zealand through its Good Bastards beer, books and website. They even
have Good Bastards Day and have now added the Good Bastards rugby World Cup to
their list of activities.
It's the brainchild of Good Bastards founder and head honcho Paddy Sweeney, who has recruited Neil Blanchfield's Great Events company to promote the event, scheduled to take place at QE2 Park stadium in Christchurch on September 21 and 22.
Blanchfield's company ran the World Golden Oldies event in Christchurch, the recent World Masters Games and the World Fireman's Games. The rugby World Cup will have three grades, open, women and Good Bastards for those over 40 years.
Participants will receive various memorabilia, including a copy of Sweeney's soon to be released book It's a Bloody Try, Ya Useless Bastard, a definitive guide to country rugby comprising a series of stories deemed to be original West Coast rugby legends.
Sweeney said the September tournament would be "quite a social occasion". It would be an annual event and was expected to grow and eventually involve teams from overseas.
Good Bastards is also sponsoring the Good Bastards Rugby Chicks tournament in Westport this weekend, an inaugural event which has attracted teams from throughout the South Island. A feature of the weekend is the Good Bastards pub crawl.
The Good Bastards organisation started off with Sweeney and a bunch of mates going whitebaiting on the West Coast. The Good Bastards Day followed and is now held on Melbourne Cup day at the Southland Hotel in Hokitika.
Click here
to look at our Flyer and
Click here for a
registration form
Bloody Mind Blower
Bet ya can’t figure this bastard out
You will not believe what this little calculation will tell you about yourself.
Grab a pen, a piece of paper and a calculator. Do not seek the answer before completing the calculations.
Elsewhere in this edition you will find some amazing information about yourself related to the answer.
Good Bastards- Rugby Chicks Tournament
The Inaugural Good Bastards Rugby Chicks Tournament was a great Success. It was held last weekend and for those that weren’t there, well …. They missed it.
With the emphasis on enjoyment all participating teams played hard and partied even harder.
Christchurch University showed their superiority with numerous Canterbury reps along with one or two Black Ferns winning their games against both the Good Bastards Invitation team and Nelson.
Waitohi from Picton narrowly went down against Nelson and ground out a tough 22 - 22 draw against the Good Bastards Invitation team. Full credit to Waitohi who broke the record for the longest trip between Blenheim and Westport of 7 hours and then be able to play as hard as they did.
Player of the tournament went to Joanna Barrena who also represented the Spanish Womens team at the World Cup this year in Spain.
Sponge - Universities player who slept in and didn’t make the rugby but travelled 4 hours just for the pub crawl.
We were led on the Pub-crawl by two Scottish bag pipers wearing nothing but their smiles under their kilts.
Westport came alight with close to 100 women rugby players creating carnage through town going from Pub to Pub.
Copious amounts of Good Bastards beer was consumed and all teams have already entered for next years competition - a definite sign of a successful event
Naturally the biggest success was the Good Bastards Pub Crawl with a copious amount of Good Bastards Beer being enjoyed.
One Helluva Lot of Sex
Now check this out. Its how the population of the world is growing. A bit
scary when you think about it, all the sex that is going on to make all this
happen.
http://www.secretsituation.com/geo/graphic1.htm
Wife Wanted
A bloke I know inserted an 'ad' in the
classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine."
Bloody Leo and Ross Nichol
Bloody Leo was skiting, (again) about how
highly his wife thought of him.
"My Missus, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around
the house. It's incredible."
Ross Nichol says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
Good Bastards Gear
They come with a certificate of Authentication
With the Good Bastards Exclusive Footy Jersey you will also receive a certificate of authentication, which add to the story, and value of the treasured item.
They are number from 1 to 99 and made out of the highest quality material.
They are $159 .00 or with the 15% discount for members of the most recent order of Good Bastards making them $135.00 which is $AUS126.00 $US60.00 or UK40.00 EURO47 plus $5 postage in NZ and NZ$15 for postage and insurance elsewhere. To reserve yours now email jerseys@goodbastards.com and let us know your size, the number you want [plus a second and third choice] plus your address.
We will then contact you regarding payment details.
The Good Bastards Polo Shirt
The polo shirts are Good Bastard black and have the Good Bastard logo embroidered onto to the right breast. They are NZ$32.50 plus postage
Members of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards get a 15% discount of $4.90
Making them $27.60 plus postage
Postage $5.00 within NZ and $15.00 elsewhere for postage and insurance.
Check out the Polo Shirt and Books deal back up the page
Hyndsie The Suit Salesman
What not many folk know is that Hyndsie use to sell suits before he started
mixing concrete. Here is an exert from our Good Bastards Archives from back in
that ancient era.
When the store manager returned from
lunch, he noticed Hyndsie hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, Hyndsie said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" he
says. "I finally sold that terrible ugly suit we've had for so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted bastard of a thing?!"
the manager asked.
"That's the one!" replies Hyndsie.
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity bastard of a thing! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!
But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh, that" Hyndsie replied. "After I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog
bit me."
(When it comes to bets Hyndsie thinks I’m a bit blind.)
Peter Bolton’s Quit Smoking Plan
Bolts went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The
doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an
unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight,
take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your arse. Then
remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion
so as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare
smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and
saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in
the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,"
replied Pete.
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless
I have a cigar shoved up my arse." (Teach ya to call my jokes corny ya bastard,
hahahahah)
Overhead at the Pub
"My girlfriend is such a cheat and a liar. I've been going with her almost a
year now, and I never would have known she was married until my wife mentioned
it just the other day."
Speaking of Pubs: Have you filled out our Survey yet on What you would like the GOOD BASTARDS BAR AND GRILL to look like?
If not then CLICK HERE to go to survey form
How to get rid of your wife
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of
mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous,
etc.
After a complete exam, the doctor can
find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression.
The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask
the man about his personal life.
"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made
my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In
fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison
to give her, so I may end my misery."
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate
his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself,
at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to
slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is
going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month
at best."
The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his
wife's coffee the very next morning.
Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes
concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is
well.
He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though
it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows
how much
weight, and looked terrible.
The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened ???"
The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love
like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a
terrible wheeze.
Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed
in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis.
As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the
doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only
knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."
Catching the Bouquet
You are at the wedding... You are a total Diva: the best dress, a perfect
hairdo, and you fall in love with an invited guest who gives you secret looks
the entire night...
On the dance floor, he's by your side constantly, he dances like a god... you are the couple of the evening... the anticipated moment has arrived for all single women...
The bride is about to throw the
bouquet... you are first in line, in a strategic position... once there, you
wait for the right moment... you look at him sensually, and with your eyes you
tell him... if I catch the bouquet... I WILL MARRY YOU...
And then, the moment you've been waiting for... the bride throws the bouquet...
he doesn't stop looking at you... you jump like never before to catch the
bouquet...
your arms stretched out...
your hands open...
and suddenly...
>>CLICK<<
Pat
Condon Reckons
When it comes to worry I’ve heard it all. Some bastard reckoned that worry is
the interest paid before we even know if we owe any thing. Others say stress
occurs because some people don’t know how to worry without getting upset. Some
say patience is the answer. Patience my arse, I’m going to kill someone. And on
a final note; you can go and get rooted the lot of yas, I haven’t got enough
brains to worry.
Good Bastards Beer is just walking out the door at the brewery. Thanks Guys for drinking the stuff. I would be right in the shit if you weren’t.
Special thanks to all the folk at Liquor King for the great job they are doing in moving out their doors.
Also the super salespeople at Super Liquor, when it comes to super selling you guys take a bit of beating.
The sensational team at The Mill Liquor Save, hell man, do they know how to display beer.
And all the other great folk in over 300 bottle shops, bars, clubs and restaurants that are also keeping up the good work. Keep up the great work.
How to brain wash a politician
The Good Bitches
#1The Womens Weekly
Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.
#1 The Good Bitches way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are
probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
#2 The Womens Weekly Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
#2 The Good Bitches way
Buy packet mashed potato mix and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
#3 The Womens Weekly Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake
mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
#3 The Good Bitches way
The Supermarket sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
#4 The Womens Weekly Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in
a potato slice.
#4 The Good Bitches way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit. Please recite
with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care
how bad it tastes."
#5The Womens Weekly Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep
for weeks.
#5 The Good Bitches way
It could keep forever. I don't eat it.
#6 The Womens Weekly Way
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.
#6 The Good Bitches way
The supermarkets frozen pie directions do not include brushing any eggwhites
what so ever on the crust so why bother.
#7 The Womens Weekly Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
#7 The Good Bitches way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces
of tequila. Drink the tequila. You might still have the headache, but who gives!
#8 The Womens Weekly Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
#8 The Good Bitches way
Go ask mister tight bum and cute legs, single neighbour to do it for you.
And finally the most important tip #9 The Womens Weekly Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
#9 The Good Bitches way
Leftover wine????!!!
Nick and Rog
From the Morning Rumble on the Rock
Often referred to as the shock jocks, this pair of Good Bastards are great friends to Good Bastards. They, like us, abhor (got that bloody word off Bloody Leo, I use to think he was an All Black) this political correctness bullshit.
You may have heard yours truly on the air with these guys making it abso-bloody-lutly sure that “The old way” the correct way, the only way is being preserved.
Try as they may, these long john wearing, flared nostrils, snot swallowing, dog shit eating snobby bastards are not going to get there own way. They hang around Universities and call them selves Professors. All this means is they profess to know bugger all about the real world, having lived in the realm of theory their entire lives. Some of the bastards teach Solicitors so no more needs to be said really. Nick and Rog are at the forefront along with Good Bastards in sending these bloody aliens back to the asylums they have escaped from.
Getting back to these two forefront campaigners here are the profiles of these Good Bastards work it out for yourself, they are no different to you and me.
Don’t forget to listen to them each morning as they take the piss out every bastard who needs the piss taking out of them.
The Nick
Full Name: Nicholas Duncan Trott
Wife’s Name:
Nicholas Duncan Trott Jan, same as my mothers, bet freud would have
something to say about that.
Job:
The Morning Rumble on The Rock with Rog.
Years At The
Coalface: Since 1992
Age:
31 on the 22nd August
Home Town:
Otorohanga.
Marital Status:
Ball and chain.
Kids:
2 daughters, Heidi, 15 months and Tasmin,
still in mums guts, due 18th November.
Measurements:
XXL will fit quite comfortably thank you.
Favourite Food:
Mmmmmm food... anything.
Favourite Drink:
Good Bastards Lager and anything except sand. Quite partial to a nice red
wine.
Favourite Pick-Up Line:
You don't sweat much for a fat chick!!
Likes:
Fishing, fingering my nose, playing rugby (been a few years now), rucking
people (been a few years now), Saint Patrick's Day.
Dislikes:
The day after Saint Patrick's Day,
Ideal Job:
"Stop-Go" sign operator on a road gang.
Favourite Childhood Memory:
Blowing shit up with Double Happys.
Worst Childhood Memory:
Getting a hiding from the old man for shitting in the sand pit. Mind you I
was 16.
Best part about working at The
Rock: People buy you bourbons at the pub.
Worst Part About The Job:
People who write to the Broadcasting Standards Authority. If you don't like
it, why f*cking listen?!!?
The Rog
Name: Roger Desmond Farrelly (yes it really is Desmond)
Age: 29 now nearly 30...feel like about 40 at the moment (thats feel like 40 not feel a 40 yr old.)
Highlight of 2002: Getting groped by Mad Sharon at the Cue Bar at the Rumble on the Road...either that or shagging Pieta from DIY Rescue (guess which one never happened).
Favourite Food: Anything that doesnt include garlic as it makes me fart worse than Nick.
Favourite Drink: Used to be Bourbon but it makes me violent ,used to be Port but I sculled some of that at the Furuno fishing tournament and threw up, now it's just shandies or lite beer.
Fave song: At the moment Filter's newie or anything by Aerosmith or Rolf Harris.
Worst Moment of 2002: Got confused with Highlights (see above) Hard to say. At the moment ,news-reader Julie's slide show of her Rarotongan holiday is up there .just slide after slide of Julie and her coconuts.
Predictions for the remainder of 2002: Our bum-boy Jonno to die of exhaustion brought on by lack of sleep and a diet of 2-min noodles, Mad Sharon to try and crack onto me again,Canterbury to lose the Ranfurly Shield, the DIY rescue team to turn up and fix my driveway (Pieta and her big digger mmmmmmm), Poison ask me to join them on thier US tour and the Warriors to win their semi final play-off game, The Mad Butcher will go berko and drop dead of a heart attack
Welcome and congratulations on your “Arrival”. Resident Good Bastards cartoonist Greg Davidson has contributed a cartoon to give you the true history of Rock n Roll.
You can also check out Greg’s site on www.wotzup.com.au
A truly magnificent story of bravery, fearlessness courage and determination. It could even leave a tear in your eye ……
One dark night outside a small well
known and highly successful town, a fire started inside the Milk Powder Factory
and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm
went out to the volunteer fire brigade and Good Bastards from miles around who
promptly sprung into action.
When these Good Bastard volunteer fire-fighters appeared on the scene, the
factory boss Hughie Little and Malc Patterson, one of the directors, rushed up
to Bert McMullen (this happened last year) the fire chief and said, “All of our
secret formulas that have enabled us to make Fontera look like a gaggle of geese
with their dicks cut off, are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must
be saved or quite frankly we are frigged like a flogged floppy disc on the 31st
of February. We will give $50,000 to the local brigade if you can bring them out
intact.”
“That’s right” scowled Bloody Leo the
head chemist. How you have a chemist for your head remains a mystery to this
day.
Bert ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two hours of
fighting the Kanerie Fire Brigade were called in to help. With Bells clanging
and cars racing Harry Collet and his boys are soon on the scene ready willing
and able to do what had to done to save the secrets.
By this time Hughie, Malc and Bloody Leo are really hitting the panic button. So they offer Harry and his band of merry men $100,000 if they can bring out the company’s secret files. Bert boys were getting toasted up like spuds on a stick down at the barbeque on the beach after the Sands Dunes Classic and need to be revived with 50 or 60 bottles of Good Bastards beer each.
In go Harry and his team like dogs chasing a possum into a dry culvert.
The flames were getting so hot they were melting the stainless steel tanks which were disappearing like pavlovas at Whitebaiters ball. The smell of burnt milk was dominating the air like a rancid bucket of puss boiling its guts out.
There they were all there, hair burnt off their bodies and their clothes smouldering as they gallantly meet the intense heat with sheer determination seldom found in any man and only a few million women. They all looked a bit like they had just come through a Nuclear attach launched by Saddam who is insane.
Bloody Leo is off on the cell phone ringing for more reinforcements. He is glad he wore his brown corduroy jocks but really pissed off he hadn’t taken a copy of the secrets and stored them elsewhere.
He knew that if the secrets were not recovered Fontera might have a slim show of not becoming one of New Zealand's greatest corporate stuffs up since Rutherford gave the Atom bomb formula to the yanks for two Ford Edsils and turned down a half share in a backyard operation called Honda from the Japs.
The drama is building, the secrets look
like they are gone and the massive advantage that the Westland Dairy had over
the mugs that run Fontera looks like being nothing more than a whisper of smoke
being propelled into the air by the back draught being generated by the fierce
fatal fury of the fancy well fanned furnace like inferno. (say that bastard
three times fast when your pissed)
Then in the distance, another long siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the local volunteer fire brigade from Ross. Bloody Leo being
a Ross Boy called them in as a last ditch effort to save his already fried
bacon.
Ross Hurley was standing defiantly but demurely on the running board, his fist thrust in the air and yelling something akin to what George Custer must have said as he fought the battle of Wounded Thyroid. Evan Birchfield was at the wheel of this mighty red machine and he had a steely-eyed look of determination that had only ever been seen before in the eyes of Henry Fonda as he steered his centurion tank to an un-winnable scrap at Bastogne in the Battle of the Bulge and picked up an Oscar for his magnificent victory.
To everyone’s amazement, the little red
fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the
inferno and was quickly engulfed in the flames.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Gold Miners, now fearless fire
fighters, jumped off their rig right in the middle of the blaze and began to
fight the fire with a fervour and pitch the like of which had never been seen
before.
Within an amazingly short period of time Ross Hurley and his Great Group of
Gritty Gold Miners had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful Milk Powder Team joyfully announced that for such a super-human
feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank
each of the brave Gold Miner fire fighters.
Paul Madgwick rushed in after capturing some great photos and sensing a scoop
asked! “What are you going to do with all that money?”
”Well” said Evan Birchfield the driver of the fire tender, “the first thing we
are going to do is fix the bloody brakes on the damn truck!”
An Old Good Bastard Fisherman/Yachty
An old retired Fisherman/Yachty puts on his old cap and goes down to the
Greymouth wharf once more for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room in a close by pub.
He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
He asks, “How am I doing?”
The prostitute replies, “Well Capt’n, you’re doing about three knots.”
”Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in and you’re knot getting your
money back!”
It doesn’t say that it was about you Kelly.
We have an announcement coming up that is going to knock ya socks right off.
We are coming up to our one year anniversary on the web. Good Bastards has been going for a bloody decade but the site will hit one year old on 8th of October 2002.
To mark the occasion we are going to announce some stuff that will have chomping at the bit to be part of.
Now I can’t tell you too much at this stage, but I will tell you this: We are going to do a takeover.
That’s right a takeover.
If you guessed for a thousand years you will never guess what it is.
If you think you know what it might be, send in your guess; send in a dozen, a hundred, doesn’t bloody matter, you wont get it. takeoverguess@goodbastards.com
If some bastard gets it, we will give ya something worthwhile. Not much point in saying what as no bastards going to get it. Did I already say that?
Suffice it to say week 53 will be bigger than Gods Jocks. It is likely to piss a few people off and I sure as shit won’t be one of them.
Click here to look at issue one of the Good Bastards News that game out on the 8th of October 2001
Good Bastards Cartoon
We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are
looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with
24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights
to reproduce in your designated newsletter.
Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.
Little
Paddy
Little Paddy was
in the classroom on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher had a game for the
kids.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person
tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off" said the teacher.
"To be, or not to be. That is the question," spoke the teacher.
Little Din Don Chow at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off".
"No thank you miss. I am of Vietnamese
origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on
Monday studying hard," said little Din Don Chow.
"Okay," said the teacher. The next quote is - "I HAD A DREAM!".
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "Martin Luther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off!"
"No thank you miss. I am of Chinese origin and we also don't take time off
school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard
too," said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Okay," said the teacher.
Then she heard a voice from the back of
the classroom, "F&*^%g Asians!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Winston Peters & Pauline Hansen, take ya pick!" yelled little Paddy. "See ya
Tuesday
Nick from the morning rumble on the ROCK
Gidday you Good Bastards.
Don’t get stranded on a desert Island
Five men are stranded on a tropical
island. The only female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island.
After one whole month the guys are all sitting around when Garry stands up and
says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"
So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals
right behind him. They catch the gorilla. Each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry
puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins
to do the nasty. The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free
and she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps
them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips
and starts pulling him into her harder and harder.
Garry yells to his buddies, "Get it off! Get it off!
They shout, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."
Garry says, "No, I mean the bag, I want to kiss the her!"
Parking Tickets
I went into town the other day. I was
only in this place for about 10 minutes, and when I came out there was a Parking
Warden writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate,
how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a nazi. He
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I
called him a piece horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the
car with the first... then started writing a third ticket for expired warrent!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote. I didn't give a shit--my car was parked around the corner.
Pakistani Airforce
Pakistan just got their new Chinese
fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training.
"Ok, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer, "even you fools should
be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and
this one for turning right!"
"But how do we come down?" asked Capt. Arfath Pasha.
"Oh," said the Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!"
Love your work... can't wait for you to open your pub Paddy!
Here are the frequencies:
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| Canterbury 93.7 FM | Otago 93.4 FM | Southland 90.8 FM |
Check out their web site
www.therock.net.nz
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The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
The club you are having when you are not having a club.
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Click here to find out more, or fill out the form below to join now!
Membership to the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is restricted to those 18 years of age and older.
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This weeks
wacky site
Now check this out. Its how the population of the world is growing. A bit
scary when you think about it, all the sex that is going on to make all this
happen.
http://www.secretsituation.com/geo/graphic1.htm
Mind Blower Solution
1. The first digit is how many times you would like to have sex a week.
2. The last two corresponding numbers are your age.
3. The remaining two numbers are your favourite position.
The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club
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