Dedicated to fixing up political correctness.
Coming to you from mission control on
the Gold Coast Queensland
Thought for the day: "What was going on in the head of the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?"
Good Bastard Bar and GrillIt’s taking a while, but we are getting closer
We commissioned Ernst and Young to put together a comprehensive business plan. Simon Carey and Noel Walton have been working away diligently at doing the research and putting the plan together. It is now nearing it’s final draught and from what I have seen presented, it looks bloody fantastic. It’s going to cost more to fit out than originally planned, but so does every bloody thing. WE NOW NEED YOUR INPUTWe have been collecting ideas on how it is going to operate and how it will look. And boy do we have some rippers. What we would like from the Good Bastards out there is to fill in this simple form and send it in on what you think. After all you are the ones we have to please. So take five minutes and fill in the fields listed below.
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Bloody Leo was pacing back and forth
glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Katie, are you ready
yet?"
Shouting back, Katie replies, "For crying out loud, ya useless bastard, I've
been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"
The Key to Youth
An elderly gentleman went in for his
annual physical exam. The doctor said,
"You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?" The man replied, "I am 88."
The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 88. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60
year old." The man explained.
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we
got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off
and I would go outside to settle down."
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
The man sighed. “I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
We now have two items of clothing available. The Good Bastard Polo Shirt and the Good Bastards Exclusive Footy Jersey.
The polo shirts are Good Bastard black and have the Good Bastard logo embroidered onto to the right breast. They are NZ$32.50 plus postage
Members of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards get a 15% discount of $4.90
Making them $27.60 plus postage
Postage $5.00 within NZ and $15.00 elsewhere for postage and insurance.
They come with a certificate of Authentication
With the Good Bastards Exclusive Footy Jersey you will also receive a certificate of authentication, which add to the story, and value of the treasured item.
They are number from 1 to 99 and made out of the highest quality material.
They are $159 .00 or with the 15% discount for members of the most recent order of Good Bastards making them $135.00 which is $AUS126.00 $US60.00 or UK40.00 EURO47 plus $5 postage in NZ and NZ$15 for postage and insurance elsewhere. To reserve yours now email jerseys@goodbastards.com and let us know your size, the number you want [plus a second and third choice] plus your address.
We will then contact you regarding payment details.
Paddy and Mick, now in their eighties,
first met at primary school.
Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day Paddy calls Mick and says, "I bet you that mine is longer
soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars."
Mick replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you..."
Paddy interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft
than yours is hard... a thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"
Mick says, "OK OK! I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
Paddy answers, "Eleven years."
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor,
after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said,
"I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best
put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to
compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his
son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when
things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,
things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few
pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some
laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old
friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to
tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your
friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm
gone."
Paddy
Paddy protested angrily
when the judge fined him $200 for parking his car illegally. The judge asked why
Paddy was so upset to which he replied...
"Your honour, I
read the sign carefully and it said, Fine for parking here!"
The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
The club you are having when you are not having a club.
No formal meetings
No formal Rules
No Fuss No Bother
Plenty of benefits and its free
Our membership is growing; Have You Joined Yet is our current theme. Its free, there are many benefits now and in the future. Not too far down the track we will be posting a much shorter headline version of The Good Bastards News and then mailing the full version to members only.
We don’t give your email address or other information to anyone else.
Click here to find out more, or fill out the form below to join now!
Membership to the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is restricted to those 18 years of age and older.
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Existing Members, you can win a Good Bastards Polo Shirt
Simply get your mates to join and you will be in the draw. For every member you are responsible for registering, you have one ticket in the draw. We have eleven new members last week and not one came from an existing member, so get into and who knows you might be the only one to register.
Bloody Leo Again
Bloody Leo was in the Southland Hotel
bullshitting to a bloody tourist about what a great hunter he was.
"So, what do you hunt?" Asked the bloody
tourist
Bloody Leo: "I hunt unicorns."
The bloody tourist was startled.
Bloody tourist: "Really? How do you do
that?"
Bloody Leo: "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in
the bush until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."
Bloody tourist: "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've
never seen one."
Bloody Leo: "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"
Whadda ya get
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
TWO WORDS - Steve Flynn sent
in this one
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as
long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said
to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak
two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest
said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may
say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary
Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you
got here"
The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup
Thanks all you Good Bastards for spreading the word. It is getting known across the board and the enquiries are starting to flow in. For those that are hearing about it for the first time, here it in a paragraph:
On the 21st and 22nd of September this year we are holding our inaugural Good bastards Rugby Tournament at QE11 Stadium in Christchurch. We have three grades; Open (Senior Comp) Women’s, and the Good Bastards over 40’s. Have a look at our Flyer by clicking here or if you want a registration form click here.
It’s all about fun and having a great time!
This week we honour two
Good Bastards from Auckland. I first met them last year in Auckland. They are
ardent supporters of Good Bastards and contribute heaps of material for the
site.
Louise was sixteen when she first met Kurt, he was 21 and just out of hospital from a horrific accident that left him a paraplegic. Young Kurt had an eye for beauty and asked out the sweet Louise who declined.
No was never a good word for Kurt, and after a few more knock backs she eventually consented to a date. They courted for three years when Kurt finally plucked up enough courage to buy an engagement ring. Sweet innocent Louise accepted and in 1972 they married. Against all medical advice they had two beautiful daughters and now three grand kids.
Kurt worked for the North Shore Fire Centre for twenty years. Ten in the control room and ten in the breathing apparatus division.
Now retired he helps Louise with her Cattery Business and generally enjoys life to the hilt.
Louise is also heavily involved with a group called MASC. Mothers Against Sex Crimes.
They drive a 70’s Cadillac called 'Pru' and enjoy life up north of Auckland taking it easy by the water and only getting annoyed when some renegade fish bastard chooses to rise to disturb the placid surface.
Congratulations on being admitted to the Good Bastards Hall of Fame.
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are
days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his
life in his hands. This "Handy Hormone Hostage Guide" should be as common as a
driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant
other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: Y'know, I've always loved you in that robe.
Helen Didn't Sign this Bastard
Win
four dozen of Good Bastards beer by entering any sort of a Good Bastards photo.
Two divisions amateur and professional.
It can be include Good bastards Beer, Good Bastards Apparel or even some in some sort of situation reading the GOOD BASTARDS BOOK.
It can be a bunch of Good Bastards doing virtually anything or it could even be a genuine photo such as Kerry Marshal sent in of Helen giving her victory speech where she once again won kingdom hood over New Zealand.
Send your entries to paddy@goodbastards.com
The Good Bitches
This is a new section to make sure
we don’t get
accused of getting too
chauvinistic.
Husband Harry looked into the mirror
and admired his naked body. “You know darls, if I was another two inches I’d be
King”
“If you were less two inches you would be a Queen.”
Most men don’t have much to say, sadly you have to listen to it anyway.
Two women were talking over the back
fence.
“You know Myrtle, I knew I married Mr Right, I just didn’t know his first name
his always.”
Why do bankers make the best lovers?
They know the penalties for early withdrawal.
What do you call a woman who knows
where her husband is all the time?
A Widow.
“You Know June, I’d like to get
cremated.”
“Hang on John, I’ll go and get the car.”
Survival Tip: No man has ever been murdered while doing the dishes.
Good Bastards Cartoon
We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter.
Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.
Good Bastards Rugby Chicks Tournament
“SHIT” It’s this bloody weekend
10th and 11th of August
Here is the T-shirt the participants will receive. It is a map of the pub-crawl. If you are half smart and enjoy a Good Time you should be on that yourself.
Resident Cartoonist Greg Davidson heard the guys from Afghanistan were coming down for the event, looks like they may have turned up at the Gay Mardi gras. Check out Greg’s site www.wotzup.com
The Politically Incorrect Party
That Bloody Nick and Rog from THE MORNING RUMBLE on THE ROCK.
They have come up with a ripper
They
are having a Politically Incorrect Party.
They are not going to stuff
around running candidates, they are simply going to have a Politically
Incorrect Party. That’s right a party. That’s a bloody
piss up Bloody Leo and others who might be slightly mentally challenged.
What’s
more those at the party will be drinking GOOD BASTARDS BEER. Now this is
one helluva piss up, wish I was there. All things Politically incorrect will be
there. They will have THE MAD BUTCHER who is extremely politically
incorrect and a Good Bastard as well. He has a complete understanding of the
politically correct way of using ya jaw.
There is going to be a Dwarf Throwing Contest and all sorts of other politically incorrect stuff.
So listen into the Rock and get your opportunity to this World Breaking Event, who knows you might be able to buy one of Helens Paintings there.
And from Nick...
Limp-wristed Craig joined the army territorials... They had
their Basic Training and the sergeant asked Craig what the three most important
things were you should have if you found yourself lost in the desert. Craig
said, "Well sir, you should always take with you a compass, a canteen of water
and a deck of cards." The Sergeant said, "And why should you take those things
with you."
Craig said, "Well sir, 1. The compass is to find the right direction, 2. the
water is to prevent dehydration..."
And the Sergeant said, "And what about the pack of cards?"
And Craig said, "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is
bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that Red Nine on top of that Black
Ten.'"
Have a good week etc
Nick (co-leader of the Politically INCORRECT Party)
Here are the frequencies:
| Auckland 90.2 FM | Waikato 93.0 FM | |
| Bay of Plenty 94.2 FM | Rotorua 92.7 FM | Taupo 94.3 FM |
| Taranaki 95.6 FM | Hawkes Bay 95.1 FM | Manawatu 95.4 FM |
| Kapati 91.9 FM | Wellingtom 96.3 FM | Nelson 94.6 FM |
| Canterbury 93.7 FM | Otago 93.4 FM | Southland 90.8 FM |
Check out their web site
www.therock.net.nz
It’s a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard
“The definitive guide to country rugby”
Click, click, click that’s the sound of the printing press pumping out the copies of the book. We will have them being delivered within the next week or so. Here is one of Nuggets the coach pearlers from the book.
“If it wasn’t for bloody solicitors, we wouldn’t need the bastards.”
It is a collection of legends that tell the true story of what country Rugby is all about. You will meet a bunch of blokes and their sheilas and I’m sure you will recognise some of them. Who knows you might be hidden in the story somewhere.
The book will be available at Paper Plus and Whitcoulls in New Zealand will have a supply. All other good bookshops will also have it in stock. It is expected to sell well, so ring up and put your order in today.
Another in the short series of how emails are changing the way the world communicates.
John Howard
We gave King Helen a towling last week, this week lets have a shot at little Johnny Howard. If John Howard is the answer, it must have been a very stupid question. Johnny has all the charisma of a speed bump. Although Simon Crean has found it more of a mountain. I think we should get these pair of useless bastards back to work, don’t vote them back in. The more they give us, the more it costs. How come there is enough for Foreign Aid, but not enough for the local hospital to catch up its three-year waiting list. Answer: Johnny is not on the list.
Did you know the word politician is derived from poli meaning many, and tic meaning bloodsucking parasite.
John went to London to see the Queen
and asked her, “Please your highness, make Australia a Kingdom and I can be
King.”
The Queen looked down her supercilious nose and said. “No Johnny, I think I will
just leave it at being a country.”
What’s the difference between a
politician and a Vulture?
A Vulture waits until you are dead.
Just remember what Hooter says; “Don’t vote, it only encourages the bastards.”
A fork in the road.
The Flight of a Desperate Woman
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and friendly hazel eyes, he
starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
......one button at a time.
.......No one moves.
.......He removes his shirt.
......Muscles ripple across his chest.
......he whispers: “You wanna feel like a real woman?”
…..”Yeeeaas” She purrs.
…...”Iron this.”
Want to business with Good Bastards? Well register your business now and let us know what you will do by way of a discount or something similar to be part of it. It’s free and all things being equal you will get business out of it all. Send details to Paddy@goodbastards.com
Little Paddy got on
the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and notice he had his collar on
backwards. Little Paddy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was
a priest, said, "I am a Father."
Little Paddy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
Little Paddy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
Little Paddy sat quietly...but when leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
The Stupid Test! Here Is A Fun And Real Challenge!
OK. Pay close attention.
Here is a very simple little test comprised of four easy questions to determine
the level of your intellect. See if you have what it takes to be considered
"smart."
Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting
of time. And no cheating!
On your mark, get set, go...
1: You are competing in a race and
overtake the runner in second place.
In which position are you now?
Answer: If you answered
that you're now in first, you’re wrong!
You overtook the second runner and took his place; therefore you are now in
second place.
For the next question try not to be so dim.
2: If you overtake the last runner, what
position are you now in?
Answer:
If you answered second to
last, you are wrong once again. Think about it... How can you overtake the
person who is last?
If you're behind them, they can't be last. You would have been last.
It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points.
Anyway, here's another question to try. Don't take any notes or use a
calculator, and remember, your replies must be instantaneous.
3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000.
…. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. … Plus 1000. And plus 10.
What is the total?
Answer: 5000?
Wrong again! The correct answer is 4100.
Try again with good calculator. Today is clearly not your day, although you
should manage to get the last question right...
4: Marie's father has five daughters:
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name? Think
quickly...you'll find the answer below..
Answer: Chuchu?
WRONG!
It's obviously Marie!
Read the question properly
Now we told you it was a stupid test, how stupid are you.
All correct: Your just stupid.
One wrong: Bloody stupid
Two Wrong: Very Stupid
Three wrong Stupid Bastard
Four wrong: Very stupid bastard
Five wrong: Incredibly stupid bastard
Six wrong: Off the Richter scale, there are only five stupid questions.
This weeks
wacky site
Check
out what some folk can do with Photographs on
www.b3ta.com
The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club
The Good Bastards Hall of Fame: Check out some real Great Good Bastards
Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations: Nominate who you think should be
The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags
The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget
Good Bastards Stories: Read stories written by other Good Bastards
The Good Bastards Competitions: You could win stuff, give it a go.
Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter
 Last Update: 25/08/2002 Original Design by Capt'n Jack Javascript used with permission. |
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The Good Bastard
Bar and Grill is a concept that was muted early this year. With a bunch of
other Good Bastards I have been putting together the project. 
