Grand Dad and Ma Once Again

Last Wednesday at 7 23 PM our daughter Janine Weaver gave birth to a beautiful 7lb 7 oz baby girl.  Congratulations to her and hubby Troy on a great job well done. Everyone is well including the grandparents.

Tiarna May Weaver

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo finished up at the nurse’s ball after the pub shut.  He staggered in and was confronted by a stern woman selling raffle tickets.

Bloody Leo:  Well what is the bastard for anyway?

Stern woman: One of cleaners died last week and left a wife and six kids.

Bloody Leo:  Well why would I want to buy a ticket in that when I already have a wife and three daughters.

Looking for an answer here...

The strangest mystery of all is a woman's bladder. X-rays prove that the female bladder is proportional to the woman's size, yet they always have to pee.

Driving in a car seems to irritate the problem. It also has been known to irritate the bloke driving.

The big question is: How is it that women pee every 10 to 15 minutes; yet they are always retaining water?
 

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

The Honest Lawyer
Kevin Jaffe and partner Michele

One of the things we do on this site is take the well-deserved piss out solicitors. There are so many of them that unashamedly rip the common punter and Good Bastard off The general consensus of Good Bastards is they should have a tattoo on their foreheads saying, Don’t trust me, I’m a Lawyer Unless they can present a list of at least 80% of their clients that are satisfied they received value for their charges.

There are exceptions, and how refreshing they are when you find one.

One definite such exception is Kevin Jaffe.  So much so that Kev was invited to come down to the Good Bastards Hilton with Kerbs, Hyndsie and me.  We front down there for a few fantastic days with original Good Bastards Pat Condon and Mike Alford once a year after Good Bastards Day in November.

It was Pat that dubbed Kev the honest lawyer at one of Good Bastard secret business meetings, and it sort of stuck.

Kev is always good for a bit of robust debate and that adds colour to any Good Bastards secret business meeting.

His partner Michele is a journo and can write some pretty good stuff.  She’s not too bad at selling Good Bastards beer and is a good looker as well.

I first met Kev in 1980 when he was very much younger and as matter of coincidence, so was I. Kerbs and I were over at his place on Great Barrier Island and the Jaffe family had a retreat next door.

Kev and his brother were down the beach with Kerbs doing something and I was to join them later.  I had been the only one to get up at the crack of dawn and go fishing.  I was rewarded with a 22-pound snapper for my efforts.

Anyway I had to have a bit of a rest and later when I went to catch up with them, I was walking past Kevs place just as it was starting to catch fire, some sort of stove or heater or something had done something.  Another ten minutes and she would have been well alight.  It was only small and easy to smother.

Kevin is a quiet but very sincere bloke and it is easy to see why Hyndsie and Kerbs choose him as their solicitor.

Heres to you Kevin and Michele, a couple of real Good Bastards.

Pat Condon Reckons

Pat Condon reckons that any connection between his reality and any other bastards is purely coincidental.

Bloody Leo reckons he knows this bloke...

A couple, both aged 78, went to a sex therapist office. The doctor asked: "What can I do for you?" The man said: "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said: "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sexual intercourse", and charged them $50.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make another appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked: "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
 
The old man said: "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $190, the Hilton charges $208, and the Golden Breeze Resort charges $149. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare".

It's only a rumour but...

This won’t make sense to any one other than those who know about it, who it would appear to be quite considerable number; I have had several emails reporting the incident.

A certain recently returned from overseas Good Bastard was in an undisclosed hotel having a bit of a session about 2 am when the burglar alarm across the unnamed street went off at a not revealed shop.

Un-named Good Bastard made several calls to get the bloody thing turned off including the police.  All to no avail. Being a person of action he went out with a pool que to shut the bastard up.  Whack Whack Whack, all that did was make the noise louder and faster, break the pool que and wake a heap more bastards who may have escaped the din to this point.

So un-named Good Bastard goes out the back of the pub and rummages around and finds a rake.  With rake in hand he launches an attack that would have made George W pleased and probably have recruited him for his next little war game against Saddam Who Is Insane.  Don’t mention the Jews.

Any way, belt, bash, clunk and the words “That’s fixed the bastard” were alleged to be heard by the now wide-awake and might I say thankful audience. They had found a saviour and a new religion is also rumoured to be muted to pay homage to this person now known as “The Patron Saint of Shagged Fire Alarms.”

The rake was put away in its proper pride of place; it in itself was feeling great, as it too had been apart of a job well done.  The offending fire alarm was now completely detached from the wall.

Helen Didn't Sign this Bastard

The entries are starting to come together, we have been advised that their are at least three on their way and I’m sure there will be others in the pipeline.

What ideas have you come up with?

We have one on its way that apparently does have Helen's signature. I think you will find that one very interesting.  Your entry can be anything Good Bastard, it might include the beer, the book, a sign, the apparel, a bunch of Good Bastards doing something. We are aware that Good Bastards has featured in a number of events, parties and functions.  So there will be photos if we can just entice them onto the site.

Lyndsay and Marie Courtis and their Japanese Neighbour

A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.  He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers.  "Harro", says the Jappy chappy.

All right mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toiret I told you" says the Japanese man.
"Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me...Where's your wheelie bin?"
"Ok" "Ok", says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having wank."

Half Priced Air fares

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the on the ball publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip???"

 

Win A Good Bastards Polo Shirt

Yep, we have a new item coming up for sale, The Good Bastards Polo Shirt. And we are giving two away in our August Competition.  It is dead easy to be in with a serious chance.

One Good Bastards Polo Shirt will be the prize in a draw of all the new members of The Most Recent Order of Good Bastards who join up in August.

The second Good Bastards Polo Shirt will be in a draw for those who introduce members into our group.  So start drumming up a new member or two.  Every one you introduce gives you one more chance to win the shirt and of course they are in the other draw to win one as well.

Remember they must have their own email address.  They can’t use yours.

Here is where you join: 

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards 

Have You Joined Yet?

Our membership is growing; Have You Joined Yet is our current theme.  Its free, there are many benefits now and in the future.  Not too far down the track we will be posting a much shorter headline version of The Good Bastards News and then mailing the full version to members only.

We don’t give your email address or other information to anyone else.

Like the Nike Ad said; “Do it now”

Membership to the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is restricted to those 18 years of age and older.

Capt’n Jacks Sister sent in these

1.HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.

2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.

3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.

4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick

5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

7. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.

8. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, darn. A bad skydiver goes darn, whack.

9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite!

10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck

11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND
PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef

13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers

14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the heck out of the dog

Good Bastards Rugby World Cup

We are underway and now have the first three teams committed to be part of it.  Of course we need more and need your help to get the word out there.

So start telling every bastard will ya?

At work, down the pub, at the footy, on the bus, in the cab, on the plane in the train.

Click here to got to our flyer.

Click here to get your registration form.

Looking forward to hearing about the Good Work ya been doing!

Neil From Burleigh Print: A True Good Bastard

A bloke from Hokitika buys a round of Good Bastards for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced 'a typical West Coast baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of 'WOW!' were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical West Coast baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Seventeen pounds,' The bartender is puzzled, 'Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.'

The father takes a slow swig from his Good Bastards beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised.’

It’s a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard

“The definitive guide to country rugby”

Neil, Cynthia and in particularly Alison form Burleigh Print and Copy have completed the formatting of the new book and it is now at McPherson’s printing getting ready to go to the printers.  A very big appreciative thanks for their efforts.

The new book doesn’t have chapters; instead it is broken into eleven different Official West Coast Rugby Legends.  Story’s that the media miss is what Hooter reckons.

It is about a West Coast Rugby team full of larger than life fictitious characters.  Some you will love, others you might not. In any event it is aimed at weaving you into the way of life of these hard case larrikin bastards.

The book is written to accommodate political correctness according to Good Bastards.  One way or another we will tidy this bullshit PC thing up.

E-mails

They have had the biggest impact on society since the advent of the mobile phone.  People now communicate with old mates from around the world whereas before they would wait for them to turn up on their doorstep.

The old Post Office is about shagged and courier companies on an ever-increasing basis are sending even parcels.

Our old mate Hippie dug up a few cartoons about emails which we will display each week, Thanks Hip.

Stain Busters Cleaning Systems

Business opportunities in Australia and New Zealand.

Should we call it "Good Bastards Carpet Cleaning" in New Zealand?

 Earn $2500 in a good week $1000 in a bad one

As some of you are aware my other business is a successful Franchise Network in Australia.  Well right now we have a problem.  We are short of Franchisee’s in a number of areas to carry out an ever-increasing enquiry load from folk who want to get their carpets cleaned in a more professional way than is otherwise available.

We need a Master Franchisee in New Zealand plus Franchise Owners in most areas.

We need a sole franchisee in each these great cities in Australia: Cairns, Townsville, Mackay, Rockhampton, Gladstone, Harvey Bay, Caboolture, and Albury-Wodonga.

Also we are looking for Master Franchisee’s for Melbourne, Adelaide and Perth.

Stain Busters is complete business system that will generate more business than you can carry out by following our proven system.  It includes full training and a strong support system

Right now in Canberra, among the frost and extreme cold our Franchisee is inundated with work and was booked out for the whole of July within the first seven days. They have three vans on the road and are rapidly fitting out a fourth.

We give assistance with finance to approved purchasers and can help with relocation.

We have the Sunshine Coast territory available as a resale for wholly genuine reasons.

It has two vans and not far off a third and has achieved over a 100% growth in the last twelve months.

We use exceptional equipment, none of this cheap crap used by many companies.  We include an extensive marketing program and a complete inventory of every thing you need to carry out the most difficult of jobs.

So if you’re looking for an opportunity that will stand up all day long, drop me an e-mail paddy@goodbastards.com

Are You A Wife or a Bitch?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.u.p.p.i.e, you know.... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist".
The second guy says "I'm a d.i.n.k, you know.... double Income, no kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a r.u.b., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you now....Wash, Iron, F???, Etc."
A second gal answers their question before they even ask it:....I am a "B I T C H."
"So, just exactly what is a B I T C H????" They ask in unison.
B -  BABE
I -   IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL
of   H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you "B i t c h" ...SMILE....... and say.... Thank You!!!!!!!!

The Politically Correct Party

That Bloody Nick and Rog from THE MORNING RUMBLE on THE ROCK.

They have come up with a ripper

They are having a Politically Correct Party. They are not going to stuff around running candidates, they are simply going to have a Politically Correct Party.  That’s right a party. That’s a bloody piss up Bloody Leo and others who might be slightly mentally challenged.

What’s more those at the party will be drinking GOOD BASTARDS BEER.  Now this is one helluva piss up, wish I was there.  All things Politically correct will be there.  They will have THE MAD BUTCHER who is extremely politically correct and a Good Bastard as well.  He has a complete understanding of the politically correct way of using ya jaw.

There is going to be a Dwarf Throwing Contest and all sorts of other politically correct stuff.

So listen into the Rock and get your opportunity to this World Breaking Event, who knows you might be able to buy one of Helens Paintings there.

Here are the frequencies:

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

Bloody Pat Condon

Pat Condon along with wife Linda has been over in West Australia perusing the Perth panorama.  He swears he searched everywhere for Good Bastards Beer.  Which is a load of codswallop.  He knows we haven’t introduced the fine liquor into Australia yet.

Anyway the arsehole sends me this photo that displays him in his finest glory drinking some other bastards beer,

Otto Hahn was a German Goldminer that lived up the north end of Lake Mapourika.

Perhaps it is some old Otto’s brew that he is quaffing into here.

Paddy

Paddy and Sean, are training in the art of parachuting.
At 12 000 feet, they jump out of the plane. By pulling the yellow cord, the parachute should unfold.

This happens to Sean. Gently he floats in the air. Unfortunately this doesn't happen to Paddy, no matter how hard he pulls the yellow string, nothing happens. He's fallen straight down to earth and yelling his guts out.

Sean shouts to him: 'Don't make a fuss of it Paddy, it's just a practice jump!'

Stumper

Four men sat down to play,
They played all night 'till break of day,
They played for gold and not for fun
With separate scores for everyone
When they came to square accounts,
They all had made quite fair amounts.
Can you the paradox explain
If no one lost, how all could gain?

Answer Elsewhere.

Good Bastards Bar and Grill

We are looking for some ideas for the themeing of our Good Bastards Bar and Grill we will be opening in Christchurch. No date has been set.  We are still looking for premises and then putting the whole thing together after our first board meeting in September.  The prime prerequisite is that it has to be in a very prime location.

It is going to be unique in a number of ways and we are exploring a lot of ideas as to how this is going to be achieved.

However we are very focused on getting the best result and would like to get your input as to what you perceive would make a Good Bastards Bar and Grill different.

Click here to tell us what you bloody reckon.

Quick Gag
Two men were overheard talking about the infidelities of an office Romeo.
"I don't know how he gets away with it," said one fellow. "The only thing I've ever done behind my wife's back is to zip her up."

Good Bastards Cartoon

We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter.

Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.

Bill and Doug
Bill was having a drink in a bar with his friend Doug.

Doug asked, "If you were given a choice to change something about you, what would you change?"

Bill said, "I wouldn't gamble."

"Did you lose a lot of money?" Doug asked sympathetically.

"No, I made a lot of money," Bill muttered. "and I used it to get married."

Good Bastards Gear

The Exclusive Good Bastards Footy Jersey

They come with a certificate of Authentication

Limited number available

With the Good Bastards Exclusive Footy Jersey you will also receive a certificate of authentication, which add to the story, and value of the treasured item.

They are number from 1 to 99 and made out of the highest quality material.

They are $159 .00 or with the 15% discount for members of the most recent order of Good Bastards making them $135.00 which is $AUS126.00  $US60.00 or UK40.00   EURO47 plus $5 postage in NZ and NZ$15 for postage and insurance elsewhere.  To reserve yours now email jerseys@goodbastards.com and let us know your size, the number you want [plus a second and third choice] plus your address.

We will then contact you regarding payment details.

Those that have already ordered will have them delivered this week.

Little Paddy

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the football one day.

"My name is Little Paddy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Little Tommy," replied the second.

“What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Little Paddy.
Little Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Little Paddy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Little Paddy

Brilliant idea on how to save money
The scene is a psychiatrist’s office. A patient is saying, "Doc you gotta help me. I’m 38 years old and I still wet my bed."

The psychiatrist said, "My good man, that is merely an acting out of a retarded ego development and a rejection of adult responsibilities. We can stop you from wetting your bed in two ways. The first is psychoanalysis; five visits a week, fifty dollars a visit."

The guy says, "What’s the second way?"

The doctor replies, "Rubber shorts, $2.00 a pair."

One for the Accountants, don’t understand it meself.

The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."

To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is two doors down the hall, on the left."

Good Bastards Rugby Chicks Tournament
The Countdown is on
10^th and 11^th of August

Westport

Here is the T-shirt the participants will receive.  It is a map of the pub-crawl. If you are half smart and enjoy a Good Time you should be on that yourself.

Pat Condon Playing Golf
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," pleads Pat.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'OH, SHIT!"

King Helen Back On The Throne

It is only appropriate that we put the headline in GREEN seeing the best man for the job likes the colour so much.  The word is that by pulling off this little piece of political recovery “She is up for a Gong”  the Queen said today from the Manchester Games in between watching someone putting a shot and another bastard trying to catch a javelin that was thrown too soon.

If this were to come about it would be the first Sir Helen in the Royal Book Of Posers.

The Poms have Sirs but the Irish have Saints.  Saints are higher than Sirs so the Irish win.  Just thought you should know that.  Aren’t Sirs some sort of a wig.  Does Helen get a wig when she gets her gong.  What about Solicitors in court wearing those wigs, don’t they look absolutely grand?  I’m sure they must feel good.  Hooter recons it is the tit sucking female tendency showing through, and it’s there way of filling the need.  Hooter recons he has better options than wigs.

Any way congrats to King Helen from all us Little Feral Bastards down on the West Coast. We won’t deem a pox on you again until tomorrow.  Then it will be a big one.  Helen, we think you have done a wonderful job of keeping every bastard poor and making it nigh on impossible for the average dude to succeed in one of the greatest country’s in the world. Long live the bureaucrats, because no one depending on free enterprise has much of a chance.  With all the entrepreneurs effectively and slowly getting crushed who is going to create production or has someone forgotten to think about that.

With the new government, there is a rumour that Parliament might relocate to Surfers Paradise the new Capital of New Zealand.  Australia has just passed Wellington as having the second biggest population of Kiwis.

Last word from Paddy
Striving to represent your country at the Commonwealth Games has found a new motive.  They are distributing 150 000 condoms to the athletes. It works out at six each. Now given that they co-habituate in the same village that works out at twelve nookies each over the ten days.  So there will be a lot more scoring than just the events.  My single mate Hooter has been on the blower trying to get in the team, any team.  He said he would take any bloody event, even the one where you dangle your legs out of the pool like a drowning preying mantis..  He said he could put a new dimension to the event and have a lot of people guessing.  (Hooter won the dangle contest at Dragalogalong, the year the drought broke, and the bush fires started and the dingos got the right to vote.)

This lolly scramble of condoms puts a new dimension on the event ‘Shot Put.’  I wonder if they are going to award medals to the top scorers.  New Zealand would be prime favourite according to a survey by Durex the condom makers.  They found that NZ were the biggest shaggers doing the business an average of 115 times in a year.  If this gets out it could start a bit of resurgence from randy bastards and nymphomaniacs from around the world migrating to the leading country in the lusty stakes.

Apparently Cuba used the most condoms at the Sydney Olympics, which were dubbed the friendly games.  Perhaps ole Fidel doesn’t allow that sort of thing over there or is that he has the most liberal policy toward interpersonal integration.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad.  So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

This weeks wacky site
Ever feel like you are having one of those days!!!!!  Well check this poor bastard out.  You haven’t got much to worry about.  If you hang on long enough he will drop into the water and then jump back onto the rope.

www.link4u.com//hangin.htm

Answer to “The Stumper.”

They are Musicians

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

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