Bloody Leo

In his single days, there was this party and Bloody Leo arrived late and was a bit cautious as to what was going on.  The girls were running around feeling the boy’s private parts and they had to guess who it was.

Bloody Leo:  Not too sure about this bloody game.

Paddy: Gawn, get into it. Your names already been called four times.

Garry and Toni Janes

My story concerns Paddy, who was the bookie at our local, back in the day when TAB`s were separate from pubs, and a man with a race book and a radio could still make an honest (?) living on a Saturday.

I don’t know what you call that metal strip that they use to hold down the carpet at the join, but on this particular Saturday the strip was starting to lift, in a spot just near the bar. The bar was humming along nicely; about one in the afternoon, when Paddy comes up to me, and in his Irish brogue says, “ Garry, you will have to do something about that carpet. There has been three fellas trip over it today already… And I’ve been two of them!!! “

Poor Bloody Paddy Again

Paddy placed his stool on the ice, cut a circular hole, poured himself a nice cup of hot chocolate and started fishing.

After a little while not even getting a nibble, a muffled voice from above echoed..."there are no fish under the ice".
Ignoring this strange phenomenon, Paddy moved to a new spot, cut another hole and started fishing again.

A few moments later, a voice boomed from above ...."There are no fish under the ice."

Paddy looked up and asked.." Is that you Lord?"

"No" was the reply, "it's the manager of the skating rink!"

Good Bastards Beer

You can buy Good Bastards Beer from most New World Super Markets in the South Island.  Plus many Super Value’s as well.

Super Liquor in Christchurch and Ashburton are well stocked up and Liquor King throughout the country is reordering at a great rate.  So some bastards out there having a bit of a guzzle. 

And why wouldn’t you! It’s the world’s most Humorous beer and by jove we all need to laugh a bit more often.

Then for those who can’t find it or are too lazy to look, click on www.shopnaked.co.nz and our good friends there will ship you out all you want anywhere in New Zealand.

You’ve gotta watch that bloody George W

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out in the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset.
He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek"
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future..."

Diet Coke Research

The Coca Cola company has just sunk $400 000 into research to find out the best market for diet coke.

What they found out was; ‘fat thirsty bastards.’

Good Bastards Gear

The Exclusive Good Bastards Footy Jersey

They come with a certificate of Authentication

Limited number available

With the Good Bastards Exclusive Footy Jersey you will also receive a certificate of authentication, which add to the story, and value of the treasured item.

They are number from 1 to 99 and made out of the highest quality material.

They are $159 .00 or with the 15% discount for members of the most recent order of Good Bastards making them $135.00 which is $AUS126.00  $US60.00 or UK40.00   EURO47 plus $5 postage in NZ and NZ$15 for postage and insurance elsewhere.  To reserve yours now email jerseys@goodbastards.com and let us know your size, the number you want [plus a second and third choice] plus your address.

We will then contact you regarding payment details.

Auckland One, Wellington Nil

Now, it needs to said for all the Wellington Good Bastards, that this little expose was sent in by one of your fellow North Islanders from Auckland.  I would be very disappointed if we didn’t receive at least one retaliation gag from a Wellingtonian aimed at having a shot at the JAFFA’s (Just Another Frigging Aucklander)

WELLINGTON, Friday: A man describing himself as a passionate masturbator has admitted that he spiked his own drink with the drug rohypnol in order to have his way with himself.

The man told police he deliberately set out to prey on his own company, by slipping the potent sedative pill into his vodka and tonic while he wasn’t looking. He said his plan from the outset was to take advantage of himself while his defences were down.

”I was really on the hunt for some self-abuse,” the man said. “And when I saw this hottie bit of hand leaning on the bar I slipped myself a mickey, and the next thing I know I was taking myself back to my place.”

Police have described the man as one of several predatory masturbators currently operating in the watering holes around Courtney Place.

”In fact, it’s fair to say that most Wellington bars are full of wankers,” a police spokesman said.

 

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Ivan ‘Stuffer’ Fearn

As far as Good Bastards go they don’t come much better than Ivan Fern.  He’s been the local upholsterer in Hokitika for a long long time.  He has always been a Good Bastard to have a beer with and supported the Saints team when it was in all its Glory.

Well last week he hung up his awl and said “Stuff it, I’m not coming in next week. I’ve put enough into this.”  And that’s what happened.  Paul Madgewick from the Press wrote an article about it and we have put it below along with Paul’s Photo.

Upholsterer closes after 41 years
17 July 2002

The man who has held Hokitika by the seat of the pants for 41 years has finally called it quits.

After 41 years sitting behind a sewing machine in the old Bank of New South Wales building, the bobbins have fallen silent for Ivan “Stuffer” Fearn.

His workmanship has comforted a couple of generations of Hokitika bottoms.

“Some furniture I’ve re-covered a second time around,” he said.

“Shoes, cars, lounge suites, chairs, pants, jackets, bags – you name anything to be sewn and I’ve sewn it. You have to in a small place like this.”

The business Mr Fearn began in 1961 closed with a giant garage sale on Saturday, leaving only a few antiques destined for the Westland Vintage Machinery Museum. The old bank is being cleared out for a copper art business.

Among the antiques is the 100-year-old duel-pedal sewing machine, built by the British United Shoe Machinery Company that he inherited from his predecessor, Oliver’s Upholstery, which operated further along Revell Street.

Mr Fearn learned his trade in Wellington in 1944, but stitching leather was not his first choice of job when he arrived on the West Coast in 1950; that was heating rivets during rebuilding of the Arahura gold dredge. Eventually he set up shop for himself, picking up most of his tools from Oliver’s and taking up residence in the two-storey bank building, which had just been vacated.

When he arrived the bank was still complete with the counters, vault, gold room, and even the bank manager, who was living on the premises while a new bank house was built.

Amid the clutter of machinery, tools, and furniture he kept watch over a changing streetscape for the next 41 years.

In that time the town has re-centred away from the river, and in more recent times has seen an influx of overseas tourists.

“One time a female tourist from Israel walked in off the street with a rip in her pants. She waited in the living room while I stitched them up.”

“I’m going to miss the people walking past every morning calling out, `gidday Stuffer’.”

Join up TODAY in The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

We are averaging better than two people a day seven days a week and they are coming on board from all over the world.  We even have a second Steve Bennett from London on board.  Also Ropey from Cork in Ireland, Alvin Olsen somewhere in England, The Murdoch’s over in Perth plus a number of other Aussies and heaps of Kiwis.

So the time is right for you to get your useless arse into gear and join up.

Membership to the Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards is restricted to those 18 years of age and older.

Pat Condon Reckons

The government statistics department made this announcement that the women most likely not to get divorced are home economic teachers.  That’s bullshit, what about nuns.

Good Bastards Cartoon

We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter.

Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.

It’s a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard

“The definitive guide to country rugby”

The new book, “It’s a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard” is at the printers and will be out in August (Just in time for fathers day) It contains a number of legends of West Coast Rugby.  In between each legend is a short talk by Nugget the coach.  Here is one of Nuggets team talks as a bit of an insight as to what this book is all about.

Nuggets Team Talk No 1

Nugget is the team coach and he is very different in his coaching methods. He coaches with the threat of his bolt cutters and his team talks generally last between one to two minutes and can cover a myriad of topics.  Like this one on the difference between winning and losing:

Now I’m going to tell you bastards and I am only going to tell yas once, so listen up good and get it right or it’ll be the bolt cutters round ya balls.

If ya gunna be a winner there are a few pertinent facts that ya should know. The bastards who lose are so fond of bad luck that they run half way to meet it. You can always tell the difference between a winner and a loser by the amount of times they hit their thumb holding nails. Winners never hit their thumbs, losers always do.

Losers are dependable, ya can always depend them to either do the wrong thing or somthin stupid. You give a loser a sitting shot and he takes a swing, misses you and clonks himself.

The bloody losers wake up with nothing to do and go to bed with it half done.

I knew this losing bastard that had the seven year itch and he was three years behind in his scratching.

Well that’s about all I have to say on the matter at this particular point in time.

Twenty ways to tell someone their fly is down

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his two bells.
13) Paging John Thomas... Paging John Thomas...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) The Congo eel is making a break for the open sea.
8) Able seaman Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Holden is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You’ve got a security breach at Paparoa.
2) The shovel handle is looking for work, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1)    I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

Good Bastards Rugby Chicks Tournament

It is getting closer. 10^th 11^th of August 2002    Westport New Zealand.

·        A Pallet of “Good Bastards Beer” to be won

·        Win an exclusive Good Bastards Jersey

·        $100 000.00 up for grabs, WOW

·        The Good Bastards Passport

·        An eight pub, pub crawl

·        Great Rugby

·        Fun

For entry form and more information Anthony@prorugby.co.nz

Another from Steve

Gay George goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."
George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 3 kilos of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot chilli sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with 2 litres of prune juice."
George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for."

Ron Steers contribution to the Tri Nation Rivalry

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the wild east coast near Gisborne on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a green and gold football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing All Black football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Aussie from the river and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said: "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Australia & New Zealand, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others: "Who was that???!" "That, "one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner replied, "he knows stuff all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

Looking for the Aussie response here …..

 

Helen Didn't Sign this Bastard

Last week we announced the "Helen didn’t sign this photo contest”. Good Bastard and Press reporter did a story on it and here it is.

Good Bastards sought
17 July 2002

In a shameless spoof on "paintergate", West Coast fun movement the Good Bastards is holding a photo competition entitled Helen Didn't Sign This.

The idea springs from a movement that says it has followers in all the political parties, and aims to correct political correctness.

The competition was devised by Good Bastards fan and professional photographer Craig O'Neill, with a wry look at Prime Minister Helen Clark's non-effort with a paintbrush.

It invites amateur and professional photographers to capture true good bastards and the Goods Bastards concept on film.

Details are on the website www. goodbastards.com

Goods Bastards the concept is the brainchild of larrikin and former West Coaster Paddy Sweeney.

Ok Guys, where are your entries!!!!!

Nick from the morning rumble on the ROCK

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months holiday each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?" he asked.

Those that listened to my chat with Nick and Rog on The Rock last Thursday at 7.45 am will know that Nick can’t tell the difference between a phone and a submarine. Onya Nick

Here are the frequencies:

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

Now Listen to this:

All things being equal, Nick and Rog and I will be having a chat this Thursday at 7 45 am.
It’s all very serious humour, so no bastards allowed to laugh.

Good Bastards General News 

Here is a stumper.
Arnold Schwartznegger has a long one.
Michael J Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The pope has one and doesn’t use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Most People don’t know if Bloody Leo has one. Starting a rumour here.
Answer elsewhere

The 160 kph divorce
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty kph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to a hundred kph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.
Again the wife speeds up, to a hundred and forty kph. He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to a hundred and fifty kph.
"All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred and sixty kph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

Iraq War and other News
It’s all bullshit; it is just Sylvester Stalone making another movie.  Another piece of quick news; MacDonald’s are bringing out a new burger made out of cows lips, its called a McJagger. And the late news is that when Mike Tyson was in prison they sent him to school.  They had to kick him out because every time the bell went he jumped up and knocked out the teacher. Boom boom.

This week’s wacky site
Here is an interesting site; you can listen to radio stations from all over the place.  You can even set it up to have your favourites on tap and have one playing while your tapping away. 

http://www.live365.com/cgi-bin/directory.cgi?autostart=coverunner&genre=search&searchdesc=coverunner

Last word from Paddy
This one has been lined up for Pat Condon and Bloody Leo who reputed to be ardent boob men www.jillsjokeline.com/boobtest.html It’s a bit of a test and it will give a fair clue as to just how good of a boob man you are.

This week we are going to close with a story of a gigantic scam that has affected tens of thousands of people.  It is out right thievery and yet has been allowed to flourish by those that some believe are the pillars of society.  Read this and you decide just where these various perpetrators should fit in to the scheme of things.

Queenslands Solicitors

At the heart of 1.8 Billion dollar Rort

You will probably know at least one person who has been caught

Those that know me well know that one of my pet soapboxes is the gigantic real estate scam that has taken place here in Queensland over the last decade.  It involves Billions of dollars in overpriced, predominantly Gold Coast Units.  It’s alleged it has survived with the blessing of the Australian Government, the Queensland Government, the Queensland Law Society, the Gold Coast City Council and at least two of the major banks. 

Heres how it works.  A developer builds a block of units that has a market value of around $80 000.00 to $85 000.00. per unit.  The markets dead, there are units for sale everywhere and no ones buying.  A sad saying evolved around then, “What’s the difference between Aids and a Gold Coast Unit?  One day you might be able to get rid of Aids.”  Even sadder is the fact that the saying is just as relevant now in boom times for those caught. 

A system evolved in selling these properties from practices that had their origins in certain sectors of the Time Share industry. 

Time Share sales hit the wall in the late eighties on the Gold Coast and some of these marketers developed an idea and sold developers on a modified version of how Time Share was sold.  Only with this it has gone on to involved billions of dollars and support from a myriad of institutions that many call “The Cornerstones of Society”. 

Time-share is Ridgley controlled and even has a seven-day cooling off period and a prospectus.  No such protection in this scam of Gold Coast Real Estate.  Words fail me in this forum to describe the contempt I have for these.  In the bar at the Southland I think I could find the words. 

These sleazy bastards combined Negative gearing to build their story, added a two years rental Guarantee, furnishing and hey it was now an unbeatable winner, unless you were the buyer. 

A lending institution, allegedly owned by the ANZ bank, lent on the sale price on the contract, no valuation needed.  They provided tens of millions of dollars in mortgage money for those conned into the scheme. 

Shonky solicitors were in like Flynn, acting for both vender and purchaser on the same deal. It is right here that the solicitors steeped out of line.  Instead of protecting their clients they induced them into the scam.  A cross collateralisation on the family home back in Auckland, Melbourne and every other city Town Village and nook and cranny in Australia and New Zealand, secured the rort for everyone except the unsuspecting buyer. 

The $80/85k unit was now selling for upwards of $160 000.00.  The marketing companies worked on a commission of usually $30 000.00 per sale. In some instances the commission reached a hundred thousand dollars. 

The politicians on both sides of both houses knew it was going on, and until recently they did zit. 

The Queensland Law Society knew it was going on, a number of their members were in it up to there necks skimming excessive fees off every shonky sale that was made. 

Sales rooms existed throughout the Gold Coast with touters on virtually every busy pedestrian street luring unsuspecting holidaymakers into the worse nightmare of their lives with allsorts of appealing goodies. 

TV and Radio ads extolled the virtues of the scams in the Southern States and throughout New Zealand. 

Most of the major scammers lured people into free flights and holidays so they could stitch them up. 

Some of the sales people at the bottom end of this food chain were making several hundred thousand dollars a year. Those at the top end several million.  It involved hundreds of people and several companies. 

One such alleged company had an ex-premier of Queensland as one of its directors. 

It is estimated 5 Billion dollars of real estate has been sold this way so far.   

That’s $5 000 000 000.00. Bloody lot of zeros 

Well, the chooks are all coming home to roost.  Not because of the Government or the Law Society, but because of an American insurance company called Saint Paul. It is pulling the plug on the unscrupulous lawyers insurance cover. 

On the 9^th of July 2002 on the front page of Brisbane’s Courier Mail it carried the headline:  Insurers strand conned investors.  

Here is part of the story.

“A secret meeting hosted by the Queensland Law Society has been told that the major insures for Lawyers, St Paul, hold grave concerns about the solicitors and the massive quantum of damage claims arising from the scams.

 Sources at the meeting said the insurer believed that as many of the losses were  ‘Brought about by a dishonest or fraudulent act or omission’ of solicitors, they were in breach of their insurance contracts.

And this in the same article: 

A leaked letter from a leading Gold Coast property Lawyer to the Law Society warns ‘the potential claims for compulsory professional indemnities insures are $1.8 Billion plus interest, plus costs for property deals in South East Queensland over the last decade. 

The move by insurers to abandon solicitors with professional indemnity insurance will leave most small investors with no legal remedy to recoup huge losses. 

The bottom line of this is simple. The solicitors involved acted dishonestly and fraudulently and are able to keep their money and walk away scott free.  We have more to fear from the solicitors than the crooks is how one Good Bastard who recently lost $80 000.00 in the scam described it. 

It needs to said that it does not involve all Solicitors only some have been greedy enough to dive their grubby hands into the filthy lucre. 

Also it involved very few Real Estate firms are involved.  The scammers came from out of the woodwork and sent up these great personas of companies that were bigger than the moon, many of which have now disappeared. 

Those that remain are still scamming and their emphasis is currently in Melbourne although New Zealand and Tasmania are also still part of their feeding territories. 

The message is loud and clear, if it is too good to be true it probably is.  If you must buy real estate on the Gold Coast, always get a registered valuation from a panel valuer from one of the big four banks. 

The Courier Mail newspaper in Brisbane is at the forefront in exposing these bastards and they are doing a bloody good job. 

A personal opinion on the Gold Coast Real Estate Market:  There has never been a better time to sell and a worse time to buy.  I read the market as being at the top and starting to go soft. 

Mt guess is that it will hit the wall about November, I could be dead wrong about that. 

Gold Coast Real Estate goes in Cycles; it has usually been seven years.  This time around it has been much longer. 

When it reaches the top of its cycle, properties stop selling.  Prices don’t fall; it takes the mortgagee sales to lead the way down.  Prices traditionally fall after about twelve months after sales slow down dramatically.  Real Estate Offices shut all over the place and people leave the industry in their droves. 

It falls over about two years, then bottoms out and travels along the bottom for about two to three years and then, providing past trends have been correct, it will start to rise peaking about a year or so later. 

You can make money on Gold Coast real estate. Buy at the bottom and sell at the top and keep a million miles away from units.  If it even resembles a slick operation, go slam your hand in the car door a few hundred times; it will be a far more worthwhile experience.

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

The answer to the stumper,

Simple; their name

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