Monday July 15th 2002
Issue # 41

Thought for the day: "If at first you don't succeed, destroy the evidence that you even tried!
 

The Good Bastards Photo Competition

Eight Dozen of Good Bastards beer up for grabs

We are running a competition for amateur and professional photographers, two divisions, to find the best photos that in some way involve Good Bastards.  It could be the beer, the apparel or just a well placed placard at a footy match. It might be a Good Bastards party, Barbie, wedding, birthday or any function what so ever. Professional photographer and all around Good Bastard Craig O’Neill has taken this shot to get the show underway. Check his site: http://www.craigoneillphotography.co.nz or email him in Christchurch on craig_oneill@hotmail.com. He does great Weddings, Portraits and special events. Tell him you’re a Good bastards member and he might just do a special Good Bastards Rate for you.

We don’t really have to say a great deal about it really, sort of captures the current spirit of things in NZ leading up to the election and the paintergate debacle that is going on over there. As the entries come in we will post at least some of them on the site.  So get your box brownie out or you digital zoom or whatever you capture memories and special moments on.

Bloody Leo

Late one Saturday night Bloody Leo was driving home and the local copper thought he was driving a bit erratically so he pulled him over and asked if he had been drinking that evening. 

Bloody Leo:  Yep, it’s Saturday so the boys and me had our Saturday afternoon session at the Southland. 

Copper:  How much did you consume there? 

Bloody Leo: I recon I woulda had 7 or 8 pints. Then I gave Timmy and Hutch a ride home, went into Timmy’s and we knocked off a 40 ounce bottle of Johnny Walker Black and a dozen big bottles of beer each after that.  Then when I dropped Hutch off, he invited me in just in case Bev went crook and we knocked off one of those big bottles of Baileys that some bastard had given him from Australia.  Oh yes we had a dozen of Good Bastards to rinse the kidneys and Liver out. 

Copper:  I’m going to have to ask you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test. 

Bloody Leo: What, don’t you believe me?????!!

Good Bastards at the Post Office

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting made out to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about."

So he opened it and it read, Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.

Submitted by Steve Bennet

Joke of the Month

Fifty bucks to Hippie

We gratefully receive heaps of Jokes from people from all around the world. Some are good and some are a little toooo jaded while others you have to read a couple of times to find the gag line. Some have already been published and some are just too rude. We endeavour to be risqué and not go too far.  Here are a few that have been recently sent in.  The Winner for the month is Hippie from Dunedin in New Zealand.

Hippie's winning gag

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What, he had two assholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."

Hippie also sent this one... Its all fact I can assure you.

You know you're in an Australian Summer When...

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.  

Hot water now comes out of both taps.  

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.  

The temperature drops below 35C and you feel a little chilly.  

You discover that in February it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.  

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.  

You develop a fear of metal car door handles.  

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.  

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

Farmers are feeding their chickens’ crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

And the Winner is …..

Peter Campion

Campo takes out the no 7 jersey

Yes, it was a great race down the home straight with a great flow of registrations into The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards.

It got down to a battle between Rachel O’Teachain and Peter Campion.  A couple of Good Bastards from the heartland Hokitika.  Although you never quite know where that bloody Rachel will pop up. 

When the counting was done Peter took the honours with being the cause of six new people coming on board.  Rachel was close behind with five. 

Great work guys.  The number 7 jersey will be on its way to Peter in about ten days. 

While there was no second prize Rachel will be receiving the very first Good Bastards New T-shirt. 

Congratulations to you both and thanks for your sterling efforts.

Good Bastards Gear The Exclusive Good Bastards Footy Jersey They come with a certificate of Authentication Limited number available

With the Good Bastards Exclusive Footy Jersey you will also receive a certificate of authentication, which add to the story, and value of the treasured item.

They are number from 1 to 99 and made out of the highest quality material.

They are $159 .00 or with the 15% discount for members of the most recent order of Good Bastards making them $135.00 which is $AUS126.00  $US60.00 or UK40.00   EURO47 plus $5 postage in NZ and NZ$15 for postage and insurance elsewhere.  To reserve yours now email jerseys@goodbastards.com and let us know your size, the number you want [plus a second and third choice] plus your address.

We will then contact you regarding payment details.

Join up TODAY in The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards

We are averaging better than two people a day seven days a week and they are coming on board from all over the world.  We even have a second Steve Bennett from London on board.  Also Ropey from Cork in Ireland, Alvin Olsen somewhere in England, The Murdoch’s over in Perth plus a number of other Aussies and heaps of Kiwis.

So the time is right for you to get your useless arse into gear and join up.

John Tacon sends in some good gags, heres one of them

A little boy from New Zealand goes to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. A couple of days after they arrive, the Pope is doing a tour of the city in his bulletproof Pope-mobile. The little boy is a little worried that the Pope won't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum says to him.

"Don't worry, the Pope is a rugby fan, so wear your All-Black jersey. He's bound to spot you and come up and talk to you." So, they're in the crowd, but the Pope and his entourage drive straight past them and stop a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little Aussie boy in a Wallaby jersey. The little boy is distraught and begins to cry. His Mum says, "Don't worry, the Pope will be driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Wallaby jersey and then he's bound to stop to talk to you. " The next day arrives, and the Kiwi boy is wearing his new Wallaby jersey.

The entourage stops right next to him and John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the little boy, "I thought I told you to bugger off yesterday.”

That one has also been submitted with the boot being on the other foot. Johns arrived first, so we will post that one.

This one came with a non-descript email address

Make sure you say who the bloody hell ya are if you want to be in with a chance!

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed. At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.  Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrite!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'. Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named  'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."

"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!" And the couple went shamefully on their way. 

St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'the bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named 'Sherry', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame. "Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began. The third Pastor held up his hand to silence

St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walking', Fanny."

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Gregg Davidson

Gregg found out about Good Bastards at Qld Net where we host our site.  The Guys down there also host his site www.wotzup.com.au Check it out.

Anyway, he saw some common ground and joined up in The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards.  Being a bit of a muso, he spotted the Song Contest and soon had an entry in.  He then sent in an entry for the Jingle competition.  You can click and listen elsewhere on the page.

He sent in a cartoon of yours truly which will pop up here in the future.  This led to some discussions about drawing some characters that make up the footy team for the new book “It’s a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard” 

He also designed the cover.  All good stuff, so I got to thinking time we admitted this Good Bastard into the Hall of Fame and recognise him for his efforts.

I asked Gregg to give me a bit of background, here it is:

We all come with a different wrapping, in all sizes and shapes.  Some in perfect order and others with damaged contents.  As for me, I came in perfect order, or so my Mum said, I just got slightly dented along the way. Early childhood had no great problems, not like my brother and sisters, who got all the childhood diseases etc. In those days, the early fifties, it was thought better all the kids get the bug at the same time, so I was thrown in with the infected, but failed each time to catch anything.  Mum said I was too quick for the bugs.  Not that I didn’t give my parents anxiety attacks.  I just gave them in the most unexpected ways. 

At six months old I was thrown out of a car, hanged by other kids in my first year of school and the same year nearly drowned and saw all of those five years of my life flash by.  There was a natural ability within me to role-play with my optimistic imagination. Drawing directed me to my first job as an artist for an advertising company, rebellion led me to riding with motorcycle gangs, the Arts had me studying and performing theatre and television.  Curiosity took me overseas to Europe and Scandinavia where I put out my guitar case and learnt how to busk and survive.  Adventure shanghaied me to near disaster on the high seas.

These and many more scenarios involving quirky characters have filled my life to where I’m now writing a book aptly titled “Gobsmack’n Situations I’ve Found Myself In”.  At this point in time to find myself being recognised, and inducted into the Good Bastards Hall of Fame is the greatest honour I have received.  Come to think of it…..it’s the only one.  Better get that book out quickly.

Blinded by Auspicious Occasion.

At present I’m on assignment in the Congo searching for the elusive polar bear.  This photo was taken inside my blind, just when I was getting blind upon receiving news of being inducted into the Good Bastards Hall of Fame.  Check out the pygmies in the jungle.

Pat Condon Reckons

Pat Condon reckons that the only difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer is that there are skid marks in front of the lawyer. Exceptions to the Honest Lawyer, he added.

Brian Stone From Petone

Paddy & Connor are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Connor "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".

Connor duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Connor running from bus to bus to bus looking very worried.

"What the bleedin' heck are you doing Connor, get a move on!" to which Connor replies "I can't find a number 27A anywhere Paddy" where upon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You bloody idiot Connor, steal a number 42 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way"

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup

Ok Guys and Gals, its all coming together we have set the program and are now seeking to get more teams involved in the three Grades.

Friday Night:  Opening Night. Join the fun of the pre-match team talk and watch Canterbury Thrash Auckland  (Written by Canterbury Supporter) on the big screen.

Saturday: Games during the day. Dinner and the Good Bastards Laugh ya Bastard Night.

Sunday:  Final round of Games, Entertainment and Awards.

Registered players all receive a copy of the book  “It’s a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard.” You also receive the Good Bastards World Cup T-Shirt and authentication certificate.

Registrations and Information Brochures from Neil Blanchfield - neil@greatevents.com

Three Grades

·        Open Grade

·        Women’s Grade

·        Good Bastards (over 40)

Good Bastards Rugby Chicks Tournament

·        A Pallet of “Good Bastards Beer” to be won

·        Win an exclusive Good Bastards Jersey

·        $100 000.00 up for grabs, WOW

·        The Good Bastards Passport

·        An eight pub, pub crawl

·        Great Rugby

·        Fun

The 10^th of August is bearing down on us real fast.  The tournament has the green light from the Buller Rugby Union and teams from around the South Island are already registered.

One team from Picton is arriving with a contingent of 45 and is intent on making its mark in the quiet town of Westport that weekend.

There is a pallet of Good Bastards Beer to be won plus a chance to win $100 000.00.

There is a planned pub-crawl around eight pubs with a Good Bastards Passport.  Those who get the Good Bastards stamp from all pubs go in the draw to win an exclusive Good Bastards Rugby Jersey.

With a couple of hundred rugby playing women making up the bulk of the contingent, it is going to be one hell of a pub crawl..  Hooter says, forget about the football; let me in on the pub crawl.

Undeniably clever

Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

Dormitory: when you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room 

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN

Queenslands Solicitors

At the heart of 1.8 Billion dollar Rort

You will probably know at least one person who has been caught

Those that know me well know that one of my pet soapboxes is the gigantic real estate scam that has taken place here in Queensland over the last decade.  It involves Billions of dollars in overpriced, predominantly Gold Coast Units.  It’s alleged it survived with the ‘blessing’ of the Australian Government, the Queensland Government, the Queensland Law Society, major law firms the Gold Coast City Council and at least two of the major banks.

Well the lid has been blown clean off it.  The insurers of the Solicitors have said hey, you rotten scamming bastards or words that could be loosely interpreted as being similar. Have now come out and said they believe a number of these Queensland Lawyers are entirely guilty of  “dishonesty and fraudulent behaviour” and they have pulled the plug on their insurance by advising that these arseholes are in breach of their policies and are no longer covered.

Next week, we will cover the story in more depth quoting directly from the Queensland Law Society and at least one prominent Lawyer who maintains they are up for $1.8 billion in claims plus costs plus interest.

What is worse; it is still happening.  Estimates as high as thirty thousand folk have been conned buying shonky Gold Coast Real Estate. Check out the story next week.

Nick from the morning rumble on the ROCK

Nick.

Here are the frequencies:

Check out their web site
 
www.therock.net.nz

Good Bastards Cartoon

We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter. Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.

C C Condon sent this in a while ago

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Little Paddy

The priest was summoned to give Paddy a dressing down about some mischief he had been getting into and to extol the virtues and benefits of living a good life. On the table there was a bowl of Peanuts.  The priest asked if he could have some. Little Paddy: Go for it. After a couple of hours of telling off and hell fire and brimstone the priest was leaving. Priest:  Oops, I've eaten all the peanuts, I only meant to eat a few but I do like them. Little Paddy: That’s all right, I don’t like the bastards so I just suck the chocolate off them.

Good Bastards Beer

You can buy Good Bastards Beer from most New World Super Markets in the South Island.  Plus many Super Value’s as well. Super Liquor in Christchurch and Ashburton are well stocked up and Liquor King throughout the country is reordering at a great rate.  So some bastards out there having a bit of a guzzle.  And why wouldn’t you! It’s the world’s most Humorous beer and by jove we all need to laugh a bit more often. Then for those who can’t find it or are too lazy to look, click on www.shopnaked.co.nz and our good friends there will ship you out all you want anywhere in New Zealand.

A Test From Kurt and Louise:

Are You A Psycho?

Bloody Leo, please warn me if you answer this correctly...

This is a genuine psychological test. It is a story about a girl. Whilst at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know.
She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there and then... A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
The Answer is else where on this page. Don’t look for it until you have thought what your own answer is.

 

Mike Daly ‘s Mate Sean

Sean was sitting at the bar in O’Malley’s when the phone rang. It's for you Sean says the publican. On answering the call Sean began moaning saying I can't believe it, how bloody awful etc and hung up. Sean says to the publican you’re as white as a sheet, must be terrible news have a double whisky on me and tell me about it. It's me mother he says she dropped dead suddenly. O you poor bastard have another slug on me. The phone rang again and it was for Sean again, on taking the call he went into the scenario as the first call saying can't believe it etc and hung up. Sean says the publican you look worse than before more bad news, have another double and tell me about it. So he does. What happened this time asks the publican? O that was me brother, you won't believe it but his mother just died suddenly too.

Mikes other Mate Casey

Casey went to the bar and ordered a pint of Guinness with a double whisky chaser. As soon as they were poured he gulfed them down in seconds and ordered the same again. Hells bells said the barman you're in a bloody hurry. You’d be in a hurry too says Casey if you had what I've got as he gulped this lot down and ordered the same again. It must be bad thought the barman and filled them up. Look you poor bastard if it not too rude can you tell me what you've got? A dollar says Casey as he scarpered out the door.

Another of Mikes mates called Trev

Trev travelled Europe and ran out of dosh in Rome. He called at the Vatican and asked father for help. Well says father this is opportune as the rope to the belfry has broken and we need someone to go up and push the bell for midday mass, there’s a meal and lodging in it for you until it's fixed. So at midday Trev’s up the ladder to push the bell .He swung it out and it came back quickly, hit him in the face and sent him crashing down in to the square. A crowd gathered and father came running over, do you know this man father someone asked and the priest replied, no I don't know him but his face sure rings a bell.

Aussie Breweries Cut Back Alcohol Content but not the price

Carlton United have lowered the alcohol content in Carlton Draught and Carlton Cold from 4.9% to 4.7%.  Carlton light has dropped from 3.3% to 2.9%.  Cascade Pale Ale is down from 5.2% to 5%. Rival Brewer Lion Nathan has dropped Tooheys Gold from 3.4% to 3.2%. Tooheys Red dropped from 4.5% to 4.2%.

The reason given is to save money on tax.

Good Bastards beer alcohol content remains unaltered.

Last word from Paddy

Thanks to all those that send in gags, as these things do the rounds we sometimes get the same gag several times.  So if it is to be posted here, the first one to arrive is generally taken.

Keep them rolling in, they are an intraictal part of the Good bastards site.  Please don’t be disappointed if your joke doesn’t make to the News.  There are a number of reasons for this as outlined earlier in this bulletin.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad.  So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

Gregg Davidson’s Good Bastards Jingle

Click here to listen to Gregg and his mate singing the entry in The Good Bastards Jingle

This week’s wacky site

This one has been specially made for bloody Leo so he can stop getting bored at work.  On www.webforwards.com/fly_eatin.swf you’re a big fat green frog sitting on your arse. Flies are flying by and you have to swat them with your tongue. I got 14 on the first go and after a bout ten minutes got that up to 21.  The challenge to you Bloody Leo, or any other bastard for that matter, is to beat that score, which by that time I might well have to up a bit more.

Well are you a bloody Psycho? Lets find out.

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly, good for you. If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance?

25^th wedding anniversary

Check this out but I think it might have actually happened to me. Bastards.

http://www.funtown.com/marriage/The_Marriage_Fairy_Haha.swf

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...

The Good Bastards world Cup; Find out about our Rugby Club

The Good Bastards Hall of Fame:  Check out some real Great Good Bastards

Good Bastards Hall of Fame Nominations:  Nominate who you think should be

The Good Bastards Archives: Heaps of past news and great gags

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget: Write a Good bastard Story and win the Nugget

Good Bastards Stories:  Read stories written by other Good Bastards

The Good Bastards Competitions:  You could win stuff, give it a go.

Good Bastards, the book: Read the first chapter

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