Issue 40 - July 8 2002

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Coming to you from mission control on the Gold Coast Queensland

Thought for the day:
"The best marriage would have to be between a deaf man and a blind woman."

Well we are on target for this bloody book to hit the shelves in New Zealand in August. The deadline snuck up on me a bit. Anyway it is all coming together with a rush. Finished the last chapter yesterday and it is now at the editing stage before getting formatted next week. Then onto the printer the week after that.

It has been a lot of fun to write and it has eleven different stories about a West Coast Football team and all the strife they get into on and off the field.

In the last chapter one of the team, Knackerless, (So called because of his ability to run like a cut goat) gets married to Anne Marie. There is a fair focus on the stag party. All I can tell you is that you haven’t been to a Stag Party until you go Knackerless’s.

It is loosely styled on a stag party I went to in about 1970/71 for a bloke who will be returning to New Zealand this week after a leave of absence. No Bloody Leo, I’m not coming over. Those that attended the event in question will be saying, gee Sween how are you gonna top that. Well I reckon I have, and I guess you will find out in August. Might have to organise a bit of a Book Launch at the Southland around that time.

There are some other blokes in the story line, Good Bastards like, Mouldy, Nugget, Cripes, Crack-A-Fat Jack, Hose Reel, Echo Arse, Bulls Tits and we can’t forget Chantal the Hooker. Ever heard of taking a Hooker Duck Shooting, Well these bastards did.

No, Bloody Leo, its not the Hooker out of the team. She a fully-fledged, Union ticketed lady of the night. Guess how many Ducks they got? Yes I did say ducks, Bloody Leo.

Members of The Most Recent Order of Good Bastards can get their copy from here at a 30% discount. More info on that in a future edition.

Bloody Leo: She busts into the bloody bathroom when I’m in the bath and sinks all me bloody boats.

Good Bastards Ross and Judy Nichol from across the road from Gabriel’s Gully sent this one in. Woulda been Judy, Ross would have been too busy out in the shed fixing something.

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far A S S K I S S I N G will take you.
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

In a previous edition I said Count Down had the beer in Timaru and had sold out within a couple of weeks. Well I should have said Pak n Save. Go in and stir up Rex Jones the manager. He loves it.

We have a swag of beer heading for Auckland at the moment to be distributed into bars and restaurants. So all you Good Bastards in that area, start asking for it.

A Good Bastard called Shagger in Arrowtown just placed his second order within a month. Good onya Shagger.

In Auckland the Mill Liquor Save at 186 Te Irangi Drive in Manakau have I available as does their New Market store.

Nationally Liquor King are regularly restocking and they have stores the length and breath of the Country.

For those that don’t have a local click here for www.shopnaked.com and Mark and his team will deliver it pretty much anywhere in the country.

You only have a couple of days to win the Good Bastards Exclusive Rugby Jersey by having your mates join up in The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards.

Rachel O’Teachain would appear to have it all wrapped up with three Good Bastards enrolled in the Most Recent Order. Although Peter Campion has two to his credit and there is a heap of Good Bastards with one. So it’s any ones Jersey who wants to get their finger out of their arse and do a bit of work. I’ve drummed up about thirty, but I guess that doesn’t count.

With the Good Bastards Exclusive Footy Jersey you will also receive a certificate of authentication, which add to the story, and value of the treasured item.

They are $159 .00 or with the 15% discount for members of the most recent order of Good Bastards making them $135.00 which is $ AUS126.00 $US60.00 or UK40.00 EURO47 plus $5 postage in NZ and NZ$15 for postage and insurance elsewhere. To reserve yours now email jerseys@goodbastards.com

A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, “Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."

Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."

"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife. ”Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," said the wife.

"And he still believes in genies?"

You’ve read about Bill and Pat Levett in the book Good Bastards. For starters they all but finish up on the front cover. That hut that we are shooting out of and that dunny that we are firing into; well that belongs to the Levetts.

Bill and Pat owned the Hari Hari Box Factory and Barry Wilson, Nick Hooper, Pat Miners and a bunch of other Good Bastards, all worked for Bill. One day we would down the bush falling timber, the next day we would be in the mill cutting it up and the third we would be in the box factory making butter boxes and whitebait boxes. It was a Butter Box made at Levetts mill that I mentioned my Uncle Jack and Hank ate in a contest in last weeks Good bastards Hall of Fame.

Bill and Pat are now retired and still live in Hari Hari on their farm. I have many very pleasant memories of my working days with Bill and Pat Levett and enjoy calling in and seeing them from time to time on my visits deep into Good Bastards Heartland, South Westland. I stir Bill up about what ever seems to be a bit of an issue at the time and I think he is pleased to see me come and also pleased to see me go.

He had a birthday in the last twelve months, now there is a very safe statement.

Nominate someone you think deserves to be listed in THE GOOD BASTARDS HALL OF FAME?
Click Here to get full details

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
Join up in our ever-expanding worldwide group

Pat Condon reckons an accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

Way up in North Queensland, as this pommy bloke rode into the town of Dragalogalong, he was hit by a huge tropical shower. When he finally arrives at the pub he looks like he's a cross between a half shagged chook and a rat that had just swum Bass straight. [That's between Australia and Tasmania, Bloody Leo.]

He walks into the bar expecting a fair bit of sympathy, but not one bastard even looks up. He strides up to the bar and orders a scotch with some ice, and the barman gives him a dash of cheap whisky with a dash of dingo piss that he keeps in a bottle for strangers. The pommy bloke downs the drink then asks where the John is. After a while, and a few augments about various Johns, the barman tells him it's out front by the tree.

The pommy bloke goes there and is confronted by two piles of poo. It's still pissing down and coming on dark. Anyways, one of the piles is bloody massive, like a miniature skyscraper, and the other quite small. Being a bit daunted by the large one, he decides to do the squat on the smaller one.

He gets his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet hits the pile just beside his head. Stuff sprays everywhere.

Well, this poor pommy bastard turns around in a somewhat vulnerable position and sees this huge Aussie bloke standing at the bar door with a smoking gun in his hand.

A bloke I know was studying to be a doctor and he dropped out. He couldn't stand the sight of cash. The bastards are on strike this week over increased medical liability insurance. The government are blaming September the 11th. That had stuff-all to do with it. It is unscrupulous litigation mad lawyers suing every bastard so they maintain their plush life styles that they don't deserve. It's pretty commonly accepted in Queensland that if you have a claim, your lawyer gets more than you. "And he or she doesn't even have to spend one day in a wheel chair." That came from Tony, a Good Bastard mate who experienced that very thing. Good onya mate, you're better than any ten of these bastards.

The doctors are going on strike over public liability insurance premiums, in some cases over $60,000. The Nurses, among the most deserving of all folk, want their incomes brought up to a liveable wage, are also forced to go on strike. In both cases the government, which has an unhealthy proliferation of Lawyers bludging and feeding their egos out of the publics purse, sit on their hands, so they can stop the fence paling going up their arse from the fence they are sitting on.

A pox on litigation solicitors who knobble the lolly from their naive clients, and a double pox on all politicians who won't do what the people who voted them in want.

Hippie sent in these three nightmares and it seems they are all about himself, poor bastard.

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came home from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh-I know." He turned off the light and proceeded to try a little foreplay and wake her up. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body writhed with ecstasy. After doing the business, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake mother."

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, I think we should have a little naughty?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way! It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says,
"Dad says to go ahead and do it, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Hi Paddy, an oriental flavour what with the World Cup and all... yeah I know I'm about a week late.

How do you know a Korean has burgled you house?
Your dog/cat's missing and your homework's been done.

How do you know a Jap has burgled your house?
Your dog/cat's missing, your homework's been done and he's still trying to back out of your driveway.

I apologise to any of you old Good Bastards out there who have a lot of money who have bought a wife from either Korea or Japan.

This week is the running of the bulls in Pamplona Spain this week. Every morning for seven days a herd of bulls is let loose through the main streets of town. Sounds like it might have started with a few farmers on the Piss once a year and it sorta grew. Bit like Good Bastards Day, anyway go and have a look at www.sanfermin.com/guide/encierro.html There is a name on the site which is Kukuxumusu Now I don’t know what it means but with a name like that I wish I had thought of it first.

The two Aussie larrikins have been applying their creative talents again and this time have come up an entry for our Jingle or Ditty competition. Here it is click here and have a listen.

Well this Saturday we have he All Blacks playing the Wallabies in what will be an exciting game. It will be interesting to see how Australia goes with out the influence and dominance of John Eals. It should very must go to the Blacks advantage. Combine that with the home side advantage and the Blacks should win by ten. Do you hear that Hyndsie, and you have me backing the Wallabies.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you’re laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

Here is an ad for Arrowhead Beer. It will take you a while to down load it and you have to have the right gear to deal with it. It was sent in and he thought it was about Good Bastards Beer for a starter. Click here to download.

Things you should check out on the site

Before you bugger off home...