Monday the 1st of July 2002                        No. 39

Thought for the day
Ladies, if you want your husband to listen, talk to another man.

Is there anybody out there???

Here is an opportunity for someone. It is our intention to produce the Good Bastards Annual both as an Internet production for members of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards and in hard copy to be sold through bookstores and newsagents across Australia and New Zealand.

Do you remember the Australasian Post, or more recently the Aussie Post? It was the publication that had the cartoons with the Ettamogah pub, Cedric, Mr Wisdoms Whopper [Crossword, Bloody Leo] It had stories about all sorts of Good Bastards Places and Good Bastards Events, and heaps of stories about Good Bastards.

Well, the bastard went belly up about two or three months ago. Really pissed me off, I used to look forward to getting my copy every week. Even my Dad had it sent to us when we were kids. The Good Bastard Annual is going to be a bit like that only better.

We need someone to get involved at the production and sales level, on a joint venture basis. The idea is to produce a first class publication that will be read and treasured.

We will be selling advertising in it to folk who like to deal with Good Bastards; you know, folk that sell holidays, hunting and fishing gear, and camping stuff. Not forgetting to mention all things drinking including the best watering holes. And of course, there is the caravan, four-wheel drive gear and a few Good Bastards properties. And what about Good Bastards clothes, books, music and vehicles?

We can provide a highly interesting platform for businesses who want to tell Good Bastards what it is they think we should buy. So we need someone who is already in the business of selling advertising and is looking to take on an extra arrow in their quiver.

We also need someone in graphics who can put it all together in the production sense. If that's you, you're likely involved with similar type activity or have the capacity to do it from home without interfering with what you are currently doing.

Don't worry about how it is going to be sold to the public. That's my job; I will get it out there and promote the hell out of it. My team and I will also provide much of the material that will make up the editorial content.

No time line has been set yet. The team to make it happen has to be assembled and the roles and responsibilities clearly defined. If you're saying, "Hey Man, I can do that." Well, contact me with your thoughts, ideas and resume, and we will see where we go from there. Email paddy@goodbastards.com
I'm waiting to hear from you.

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo: "I love weddings."

Paddy: "Do ya, why is that?"

Bloody Leo: "Where else can you get a bloody good feed, drink all the grog you want and be entertained by a bloody good band, all for the price of a cheap toaster."

Good Bastards in Action

Peter Bloody Campion

Pete was the charge nurse this day and was complaining his guts out.

Pete: I don't know what to do with that girl; everytime I give her a job to do she gets it back to front.

There was a blood-curdling yell from the front of the ward.

Pete: Don't tell me she's at it again. I distinctly told her to go in and prick that bloke's boil.

A very big Thank You

Thirty-nine weeks ago we posted the first issue of the Good Bastards News. It came about through my contacting Capt'n Jack after coming across a small statement that said, Websites by: Capt'n Jack. I clicked on it and ……. Well, the rest is history. It started an association that not only lead to the first news, but also this site as you now know it. Pretty bloody good I reckon.

Over that time I sent Jack the Good Bastards News from Las Vegas, New York, London, Dublin, Singapore, Auckland, Christchurch, Hokitika and of course from here on the Gold Coast. In every instance, Capt'n Jack delivered the goods, even if I was a bit late getting it to him.

He has used his creative talents to help make the News that more colourful. Just have a look. Go into the Archives and look up edition ONE on October the 8th 2001. You will be amazed at just how much we have grown since that first edition.

Capt'n Jack would take my scribbles then slowly but surely make them far more than they could have otherwise become. It is with a large degree of sadness that Jack and I are going our separate ways. We remain good friends and I will forever be grateful for his substantial contribution in getting this whole Good Bastards thing to the stage we have.

So, Capt'n Jack from your's truly and the many others out there that enjoy the site, I wish you well in the future for you and yours in all that you do.

Imminent Arrival

We are expecting a visit from Good Bastards Jane and Paul Teen from the United Arab Emerites, captain and crew of the Nora Jane, world travellers, teachers and raconteurs and occasional carpenters, and formally residents of the Cook Islands, formally publicans and still part owner of the Southland Hotel, etc etc.

AKA Ball and Chain are due to pass through the Gold Coast on their way to New Zealand. Jane has been teaching Young Ladies business skills in the United Arab Emerites, while Paul has been up there on a peacekeeping mission. There are four sides to the problems up there; The Israelis, The Palestine people, the rest of the Arabs, and Paul.

No doubt there will be a story or two, and perhaps even an opinion that we can include in a future edition.

Good Bastards Beer
Where to get it

The Good Bastards beer is selling well. In the North Island, Liquor King have most cities and towns covered. The Mill Liquor save in Christchurch, Auckland, Wellington and other areas are doing good things, while Super Liquor in Christchurch has the good drop in fourteen outlets.

Most other bottle shops in Christchurch, especially Peter Keep at the Wiarakie Road Liquor Shop opposite the little brown Jug restaurant. Peter was the first to stock the beer outside the West Coast.

Good Bastards Gear

Jerseys selling fast
Rare Bastards
Get yours or forever hold your peace

Here is what they look like only they have a black collar and the Good Bastards Logo across the front.

There are only 100 of these Good Bastards Jerseys numbered, and each of them comes with a geniue Good Bastards certificate. I just know that I'll run into some of you bastards at one of our do's and you'll say, "How do I go about getting one of those RARE, WORTH A BLOODY FORTUNE, GOOD BASTARDS JERSEYS?" And I will say, "Give me ten grand and I might consider selling mine." Not that ten grand would get mine, but it might get someone else's.

Imagine if you could have bought one of the All Blacks, Wallabies, Springbok, Poms or Irish first 15 Jerseys. If you had, you could forget about the lotto.

They are only NZ$159 That's the same price as an All Black, Super 12, or Warrior jersey. For you International Good Bastards figure on approx. A$126, US$60, UK£40, or EURO47
With a 15% discount for members of the Most Recent Order of Good Bastards,Only NZ$135

Add NZ$5 postage anywhere in NZ or NZ$15 for postage and insurance everywhere else.

To order yours, email Paddy

Good Bastards Hall of Fame

Jack Heveldt

A truly original Good Bastard

Last week, on Monday the 24th of June, Mum's brother, my Uncle Jack passed away.

He was in his 90th year, same age as my Mum when she went home.

Now if ever there were a hard case Good Bastard, Jack Heveldt would fill the bill.

He was a twin to Hank, an equally hard case Good Bastard who some of you would have read about in the Good Bastards book.

Jack was one of the legendary Whitebaiters in deep South Westland. He fished the Maori River, catching the stuff by the kerosene tin full back in those days. A kerosene tin, for you more recent additions to the planet, holds about 20 kilos.

One night years ago, the brothers Hank and Jack arrived at the Fox pub only to find it all but booked out. Mary Kerr the publican said she only had a single room and that she would only let one of them stay there.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Jack. "We shared a womb for nine months on another occasion." They were allowed to share the room.

As young men, Hank and Jack once had a race to see who could eat a wooden butter box first. Jack won. He had a ferocious appetite back in his single larrikin days and was known to eat pretty much anything including curtains, flowers or anything that was handy. I saw him take a bite out of a book once.

If you wanted a good time you couldn't go far wrong by meeting up with Hank and Jack; two of the best.

Jack played in the Kokatahi Band for years. Now there is another bunch of real Good Bastards. Jack and his dad, pop Heveldt, both played the bones in this world famous old time band.

He is survived by his wife, Aunty Monnie, and four others in the family: Kerry, Brian, (Gus) Patricia and Kathleen.

Good onya Jack. I know it would have been a big one when you arrived up there. I think even Uncle Andy would have had a drink. I sure will be having a couple in your honour.

Good Bastards Hall Of Fame Nominations

Nominate someone you think deserves to be listed in THE GOOD BASTARDS HALL OF FAME?
Click Here to get full details

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
Join up in our ever-expanding worldwide group

Pat Condon Reckons

"I went to see this Psychiatrist, he helped me a lot. But I had to kill the bastard. He knew too much."

A Dinkum Aussie Yarn

Way up in North Queensland, as this pommy bloke rode into the town of Dragalogalong, he was hit by a huge tropical shower. When he finally arrives at the pub he looks like he's a cross between a half shagged chook and a rat that had just swum Bass straight. [That's between Australia and Tasmania, Bloody Leo.]

He walks into the bar expecting a fair bit of sympathy, but not one bastard even looks up. He strides up to the bar and orders a scotch with some ice, and the barman gives him a dash of cheap whisky with a dash of dingo piss that he keeps in a bottle for strangers. The pommy bloke downs the drink then asks where the John is. After a while, and a few augments about various Johns, the barman tells him it's out front by the tree.

The pommy bloke goes there and is confronted by two piles of poo. It's still pissing down and coming on dark. Anyways, one of the piles is bloody massive, like a miniature skyscraper, and the other quite small. Being a bit daunted by the large one, he decides to do the squat on the smaller one.

He gets his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet hits the pile just beside his head. Stuff sprays everywhere.

Well, this poor pommy bastard turns around in a somewhat vulnerable position and sees this huge Aussie bloke standing at the bar door with a smoking gun in his hand.

"Wh-wh-what is going on?" stammers the pommy wretch.

"Get to hell out of the ladies ya dirty bastard."

Doctor Tragedy

A bloke I know was studying to be a doctor and he dropped out. He couldn't stand the sight of cash. The bastards are on strike this week over increased medical liability insurance. The government are blaming September the 11th. That had stuff-all to do with it. It is unscrupulous litigation mad lawyers suing every bastard so they maintain their plush life styles that they don't deserve. It's pretty commonly accepted in Queensland that if you have a claim, your lawyer gets more than you. "And he or she doesn't even have to spend one day in a wheel chair." That came from Tony, a Good Bastard mate who experienced that very thing. Good onya mate, you're better than any ten of these bastards.

The doctors are going on strike over public liability insurance premiums, in some cases over $60,000. The Nurses, among the most deserving of all folk, want their incomes brought up to a liveable wage, are also forced to go on strike. In both cases the government, which has an unhealthy proliferation of Lawyers bludging and feeding their egos out of the publics purse, sit on their hands, so they can stop the fence paling going up their arse from the fence they are sitting on.

A pox on litigation solicitors who knobble the lolly from their naive clients, and a double pox on all politicians who won't do what the people who voted them in want.

Good Bastards Events

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup is moving forward very positively. The Good Bastards Cup is about to be put on display in a prominent venue in Christchurch. We will advise more on this in the next edition.

Little Paddy

Little Paddy was walking along the beach when this woman with big boobs came running towards him holding up her well-endowed breasts as she had lost her bikini top.

Paddy: "Miss, if you're looking for a home for one of those puppies, I can help you out."

Nick from the morning rumble on the ROCK

Here's a gag for this week:
Two gay guys, Brycey and Peter, go into a bar. Peter goes
to the bartender and says, "I would like a gin for my friend and me".
The bartender says, "There are only three kinds of gin I know: oxygen, hydrogen, and nitrogen, and they are outside. You queers get the hell out of here!"
Peter goes back to the table and says, "They won't serve us."
Brycey says, "Let me give it a try."
He goes up to the bartender and says, "I would like a gin for me and my friend."
The bartender says, "I'll tell you the same thing I told your queer buddy. There are only three kinds of gin I know: oxygen, hydrogen, and nitrogen, and they are outside! Now you and your fairy mate GET THE HELL OUT!"
Brycey looks him in the eyes and says, "There are three kinds of turds I know: mustard, custard and you, you poopy!! RUN PETER RUN!"

Here are the frequencies:

Check out their web site www.therock.net.nz

Good Bastards Cartoons

We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter. Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.

Good Bastards General News

Here is a poser
Solve it and you could
win a Good Bastards T-Shirt

With the Good Bastards News, I write them in a way I am told only I can do, in as much as I have some of them partly written up to ten weeks in advance. I then add a bit here and there, so when it comes to pulling it all together just before the deadline, it's not too much of a drama.

What happens sometimes is I will be writing something and get called away halfway through. Sometimes it might be weeks before I get back to that page again. Usually I can pick up where I left off, however about eight weeks ago I started writing this gag for little Paddy, and I buggered off for one reason or another. Now do you think I can come up with how it finishes!!!!! Buggered if I can. Here it is, see if you can finish it. If you can, and you're the first to e-mail me, I'll send you one of the new Good Bastards T-shirts.

The teacher was concluding the exams for the year and had one final question to pose.

She took a chair and sat it up the front and said, "Based on everything you have learned since you started school, write an essay."

Now it's up to you to finish it.

Lady Di

If Lady Di were alive, she would be 41 today, Monday. If you would like to check out a tribute to her go to www.cnn.com/WORLD/9708/diana

August 31st this year will mark the fifth anniversary of her death. Can you remember where you were when you heard? I bet you can, seems every one can. Same as with us more wiser generations, we can recall where we were when JFK was assassinated.

Who Said Brazil Would Win

Steve Bennet gave us the formula last week and for those who put your house on it, well, you have two houses. Congratulations, because I didn't. Steve would have though, didn't you Steve?

Last word from Paddy

I'm reading this book called, "Four Fires" by Bryce Courtney. He wrote the Potatoes Factory and The Power Of One, plus others.

It's a bit of a Good Bastards sort of a book, about a family who despite being on the bottom of the heap strive to rise above it. Good Yarn, big book though, over 700 pages.

These poor bastards had to deal with this thing some call "class distinction." I call it snobbery. I have sport with snobs quite regularly. It's hard to hate the bigoted bastards when you can have so much fun taking the piss out of them especially to their face. They can't cope with their own bigotry.

Anyways, back to The Four Fires, there is a line in there that really caught my fancy. It's about this Ugly bloke. "He was so ugly, he made Quasimoto look like Cary Grant." Something I wish I had thought of.

It also has a very accurate account of what happened to the POW's up in Singapore during the Second World War, woven into the story. That, I can assure you, WILL have an impact on the way you think.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you're laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

This week's wacky site

This odd little web site, www.eugenemirman.com features the face of a young child who sings a range of popular songs, including "Son of a Preacher Man." "Born in the USA." Plus many others.
I think I know her from somewhere, maybe I went to school with her, or one of my mates married her when she grew up.