Monday the 24th of June 2002                        No. 38

Thought for the day
Impotence is a way of saying, no hard feelings.

We are seeking more World Records and there are two ways you can help. Either by having a crack at something that has never been done before, or by sending in some ideas that others might pick up and run with.

You could even use it as a fundraiser. Come up with a Good Bastards World Record idea and either you or your club then set about making it a fundraiser. Email us first to get our Ok.

Maybe you could put together the heaviest Scrum? Or auction a six-pack of Good Bastards Beer for more than $200. Or pitch a tent in a prominent spot and call it the Good Bastards Embassy then raffle Good Bastards clobber to raise money for our Good Bastards Help a Mate Fund.

Here are a few more suggestions:

What about the most unusual Bungy Jump? Maybe the longest drop to grab the best drop, a bottle of Good Bastards Beer.

The fastest skull of a Good Bastards Beer?

What about the longest game of Golf - How many holes can you play in one go?
Anyone interested in trying this on Good Bastards Day?

How far can you carry a timber jack?

The most innovative way of getting over the bar, beating the pole vault record.

There are plenty more ideas at www.guinnessworldrecords.com

They have spaghetti nose blows, loudest burps, cockroach eating and so many great achievements the mind pops a valve coming to terms with them all. Like the world record drum marathon is 36 hours. How's that for a beatable and great fundraiser. Steven Darvill in North Vancouver in Canada started on New Years Eve 2000 and beat drums for a day and a half, setting a world record.

Major attempts are great ways to raise funds. So, if your looking for a fundraiser, here it is. You could get your club some serious dosh, plus some publicity and a bit of publicity for Good Bastards as well.

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo was short of a few bob having done his arse at the races and blowing the grocery money as well. So he ducked around to the priest's house and stole a chook.

As it was Saturday night, he shot straight into the confessional and said as he is wont to do.

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I have just stolen a chicken, can I give it to you for repentance."

"Certainly not. You should take it straight back to the person you stole it from."

"But Father, I offered it to him and he said he didn't want it."

"Oh well, you can keep it then. Ten Hail Marys."

Hutch and the Black Cat

Hutch and The Black Cat went fishing in Hutch's new Boat and only caught one salmon. On the way home Hutch was toting the cost of the boat and said:

Hutch: "You know Ian, this fish cost over thirty grand."

The Black Cat: "You're lucky you didn't catch two."

Good Bastards Beer

Our success keeps growing as we continue to line up new outlets all across New Zealand.
Super Liquor now has it in all their Christchurch outlets and Count Down in Timaru has just placed their second order.

If you can't get the beer, drop me an email and I will let you know the closest place to get the magic brew. Don't forget to mention where your town is located. Some smaller places are sometimes hard to pinpoint.

Milestone past

At 11.06 pm on Monday the 17th of June 2002, we clicked over 10,000 visitors to the site.
Just thought you should know.

Another Milestone, even if it is too bloody late.

Errol

Errol, after much pressure, finally consented to taking his wife out to the pub to meet the boys. Errol: "What'll you have dear?" Pam: "Whatever you're having will do." Errol: "Two Jack Daniels please." Pam: "Yuck! That tastes bloody awful, I don't know how you can drink the stuff." Errol: "Well there you go, and you thought I was out enjoying myself every night."

Doesn't get much better than this

It doesn't get much better than this. A bunch of us are going on a real Good Bastard of a trip. We are heading off on the MV Takapu, a 21-metre ex-harbour defence motor vessel that has been converted into the ideal ship for real Good Bastards adventures.

We are off to Dusky Sound for a week of great eating; scallops, crayfish and I reckon we will bag a bit of venison while we are at it, and probably catch a few feeds of Groupers, Cod and Bluefin.

We'll be taking a chopper from Tuataphre and landing on the boat's huge deck. Wow! That flying around the mighty sounds in a chopper is real exciting stuff.

We will slip into Preservation Inlet to check out the old quartz crushing plant and the two old towns that were established there in the 1800's.

Might even go up Doughtful Sound and slip over the Wilmot Pass to have a look at the Manapouri Power Station, then catch the ferry across the lake.

Plenty of Good Grog, good tucker and good mates.

It's seventeen hundred bucks a head all inclusive; chopper, boat, grog, scallops, crays, venison and memories that you will be talking about for the rest of your life.

We pretty much have our bunch together, maybe one or two won't front up with the deposit and that could leave a gap. If you're interested, send me an email paddy@goodbastards.com

What'd I say, "It doesn't get much better than this." That's the Good Bastards Truth.

WHO IN YOUR LIFE DESERVES A GREAT GIFT

Here is what they look like only they have a black collar and the Good Bastards Logo across the front.

Well, we all know you do, Bloody Leo.
But no bastards letting on in case we have to buy you one.

But what about the rest of you Good Bastards?

The orders for the Good Bastards Jersey are starting to flow in from all over the world. Looks like the Good Bastards Squad will be an international one.

In addition to the fabulous eye-turning Jersey, you'll receive a certificate of authentication that adds to the story and value of this treasured item.

They cost only NZ$159. For you International Good Bastards that's approx. A$126, US$60, UK£40, or EURO47
Only NZ$135 with the 15% discount for members of the Most Recent Order of Good Bastards.

Add NZ$5 postage anywhere in NZ or NZ$15 for postage and insurance everywhere else.

To order yours, email Paddy

Berry Good Gibb

Berry Good Gibb: [to new secretary] "I see your typing is improving. There are only six mistakes here."

New Secretary: "Yes, I feel if I am getting better at it."

Berry Good Gibb: "Now let's have a look at the second line."

       Get in the Good Bastards First Fifteen       

Good Bastard Rachel O'Teachain is in the very vulnerable first place spot to win the lucky number seven jersey. She has been responsible for three new enrolments in The Most Recent Order Of Good bastards. Alan Kerr and Richard Cumberpatch are neck and neck in second place with one each.

Now whoa there, hey, geez, cor, phuf, this is a bit of a laugh, here we are offering a Jersey that money can't buy, complete with a fully authenticated certificate and we are piddling around with ones and threes as the main contenders. GET YOUR FINGER OUT YUR BUM and do something or you will cop a boot up the bastard next time I see ya, ya useless bastard.

Every bastard must think that it will be too hard to win. Well, how hard is next to nothing at all. Bunch of soft dicks. This here's a piece of raw history that money can't buy and it could be yours. At least have a GO, ya useless bastard!

Good Bastards Hall of Fame
Evan and Jane Birchfield

Every time I come to the West Coast some bastard tells me that Evan Birchfield is a Good Bastard. It's not that I had to be told. I knew it all along. Many of you will know Evan as the tank man. You know, the bloke who drives his tank through houses and over cars, and stars on the news and The Good bastards Sixty Minute Show. Jane is the one responsible for buying him the tank for his fiftieth birthday. What a woman, what a woman indeed. When those Noble scientists get serious about genetically engineering the ideal woman, they should start with Jane Birchfield.

The Birchfield own the biggest gold mine on the West Coast, a place that is better known for mines going bung from blokes who keep digging after the gold has run out. Well, the Birchfield's have got it right. Jane and Evan are a great team and they have built a sound and strong business. Well known within their community for their support and generosity for local causes, by any stretch of the imagination they will stand any test of measuring just who is a Good Bastard.

Good Bastards Hall Of Fame Nominations

Nominate someone you think deserves to be listed in THE GOOD BASTARDS HALL OF FAME?
Click Here to get full details

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
Join up in our ever-expanding worldwide group

Nick from the Morning Rumble on The Rock

A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breast, so he went to a phycologist and told the doctor about his problem.

Let's do a word association test," said the doctor. "I will say a word and you say what comes into your head."

"Oranges." Says the doc.
"Tits."
Apples."
"Tits."
"Watermelons."
"Tits"
"Windscreen wipers."
"Tits."
"Wait a minute! I can see the connection between oranges, apples and watermelons. But Windscreen wipers, where is the connection?
"Well there is one on the left and one on the right."

You are defintely a tit man Nick. Listen to Nick and Rog take the piss out of everyone and everything in the morning to the rock on these frequencies.

Check out their web site www.therock.net.nz

Good Bastards Cartoons

We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter. Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.

Why women can't fix cars

Paddy Paddy was dying and asked his wife to ring and get the Vicar. "You mean the priest, don't you?" "No, God Damn it women, I mean the vicar. I want to become a protestant." "Why on earth would you want to do that?" "Well, if I'm going to die, it's better they lose one of theirs, rather than one of us."

Hooter

Hooter just had a vasectomy for the eighth time; he's now two stone lighter. He had too, his girl friends kept getting pregnant. That is about all we can say about that.

Good Bastards Gold Nugget

Time is getting closer. Your entry has to be in.
Frank Ash's entry is now under Good Bastards Story's. Click here to check it out, it's a good yarn. Can you do one similar?
The amount of people that say, I could do one of those, then the lazy bastards never get around to it.
Well, PULL YUR FINGER OUT!

To win you have to submit a Good Bastards story or a story of a "Good Bastard". The winner will be announced at the Southland Hotel Hokitika on Good Bastards Day 2002 Complete your story in a thousand words or less, and submit with the completed entry form (Click Here) Closes 15 October 2002

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget is a rare and famous nugget that West Coast gold miner and all-round Good Bastard, Evan Birchfield found by chance on his gold mine near Ross on the South Island of New Zealand.

Song Contest

Last week, we received some great feed back from those who listened to Greg and Lance singing their Good Bastards song. If you didn't catch it, here it is again. Listen to Greg's Song (1.2Mb)
It is also listed under "FREE STUFF" under the bit about the song contest.

Moods of a woman

An angle of truth and a dream of fiction
A woman is a bundle of contradiction
She's afraid of a wasp, she'll scream at a mouse
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She'll kiss you one minute then turn up her nose
She'll win you in rage and enchant you in silk
She's stronger than brandy and milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful merry and sad
She will hate you like poison and love you like mad

Moods of a man:

Horny

Hungry

Pat Condon reckons

George Gregan suffers from delusions of Grandeur; he thinks he's an All Black

The Good Bastards Rugby World Cup

Things are progressing very well with this event. We are having three grades. Open grade, which is basically senior grade. The women's grade, and the Good Bastards Grade which is the over 40's

Neil Blanchfield is the organiser, and to get more information, e-mail him on neil@greatevents.co.nz

To visit our original announcements on this event go to www.goodbastards.com/GBrugby.htm

The Most Recent Order of Good Bastards

Now is the time to join up, its free and there are heaps of benefits, Get your mates to join up and you could win the exclusive jersey No. 7 in the Good Bastards first fifteen.

Little Paddy

Little Paddy came running inside while his mother was having some friends around for afternoon tea.

"Hey mum, I wanta piss, I wanta piss."

Mum immediately dragged him off to the toilet by the ear and severely reprimanded him.

"Next time you want to go to the toilet, whisper."

A while later Paddy was back. "Hey mum, I wanta whisper, I wanta whisper."

This time he was taken to the toilet and rewarded with a big slice of cake.

That night he woke up busting, so he went into his parent's room and said.

"Hey dad, I wanta whisper."

"That's alright son, do it in my ear."

Hyndsie's car phone

Hyndsie has a new car phone. It has this new u-beaut message on it. "Sorry, I'm in at the moment, please leave a message and I will ring you when I'm out."

Soccer World Cup

Soccer is not that big here in Queensland. A bloke broke into the local soccer club and stole this box full of all their money. When he got home and opened it, it was full of IOU's

At the Grand Final last year, they decided to ask someone who is less fortunate than them, so they invited their bank manager. He holds the mortgage.

They lost the Grand Final and the fans said it was the worst game ever played before the paying public. Others didn't think it was that good.

If you were watching the game in jail, you would have regarded it as part of the punishment.

They are such a bad team, you have to be over eighteen to watch them.

Gee, I'm glad I don't like soccer, because if I liked it, I would have to go watch it and I hate the game.

The winner of this year's Soccer World Cup.

Steve Bennet sent me in the calculations, bit of a mathematical genius old Steve.

Brazil last won the cup in 1994, before that they won it in 1970.
Now if you add that up, it comes to 3964

Argentina last won the cup in 1986, before that they won it in 1978.
Add 1978 and 1986 and you have 3964

Germany last won in 1990, before that they won in 1974.
Add 1990 and 1974 and it equals 3964

So, going by this logic, the winner of the 2002 world cup will be the team that won in the year that added to 2002 makes 3964.

The answer is 1962. And the winner was, Brazil.

You heard it first at Good Bastards .

Betting Season about to begin

Yes, with the fast approaching Bledisloe Cup / Tri Nations series, a lot of money will change hands. This year I am going to keep a better score to see if I won or lost money. I backed the Kiwis against my Aussie mates, and the Aussie against the All Blacks with my Kiwi mates. So no matter who wins, I have won and lost.

Last word from Paddy

The other day I was in the dunny at this service station, you know, having a bit of a think and a sit, and this bloke in the other cubical says,
"How's things going?'

Now, I've never really talked to anyone in the John before, and I'm still not sure why I answered. Anyway, I replied. "Not bad thanks."

The stranger in the next cubical then asked. "What are you up too?"

"Oh, just sitting here having a bit of a think and about to get stuck into the paper work." I replied.

Next, the voice from the other side says, "Look, I'll have to call you back. There's some idiot in here answering every question I'm asking you."

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you're laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

This week's wacky site

It's the old three shell game where some bastards slight of hand has cost me money in the past. How good are you at it. Find out here on http://fun-lists.com/play/?994.g.23