Monday the 17th of June 2002                        No. 37

Thought for the day
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy.

I opened me big yapper [yeah I know what your saying Bloody Leo] and said I would write another book and have it out for Fathers Day in September. But the follow up to the first book won't be out until November 2003. This bastard has been rolling around in my head for quite a while. I started writing it last year and knocked over about 80% of it in no time at all.

Now, Charles Goulding, my distributor in NZ, tells me he has already pre-sold more than 2000 into bookshops and it's time for me to get my finger out of my arse and finish the bloody thing.

It's a Bloody Try Ya Useless Bastard is a story about a hapless West Coast Football team that just doesn't seem to get anything right. The good news is that everything that cocks up on them does so in a very humorous fashion.

There are a few key blokes in the team including Nugget. They take no crap from no bastard coach. You'll find his team talks at the end of each chapter pretty much to the point and highly entertaining. His approach to life, and the team's belief that his threat to cut their nuts off with bolt cutters from the back of his Land Rover sees them comply to his often unorthodox training regime.

Cripes is another featured. He had the tragedy of scoring two tries in succession under the posts, only to have them disallowed by the ref. That's how the book got its name.

Cripes dealt with the ref exactly how you and I would. How the team responded was exactly how a team should respond. Although, outside the realms of humorous rhetoric, it's unlikely they really would.

The team invests in a race horse, goes duck shooting with a hooker and has a go at punishing a bloke with their own breed of justice that ……. Well, you'll just have to read it to find out.

It's entirely fictitious despite what some people already think, and has not been styled on actual people or events.

In a month or so, we will whack a chapter up here on the site for you to read. It's definitely a bloke's book, and a rugby following bloke at that, and written exactly how blokes talk on the field, a footy trip or at after match functions. If you can't deal with those sorts of discussions, then this book is definitely not for you.

Bloody Leo writes

Bloody Leo sent this in awhile back and I'm finally getting around to publishing it. You'll like it's very clever spin.

A young Good Bastard from the West Coast is attending first year university in Canterbury.

He fronts up to the philosophy lecture and the professor pulls out a jar filled with half a dozen big stones then asks the class if the jar is full, and the whole class agrees. Next, he pours in a handful of small stone chips and asks the same question. The class responses, agreeing it is full. Finally, he gets a handful of sand and shakes the jar so the sand completely fills all the gaps. Everybody agrees the jar is now completely full.

Then the prof says, "Think of the stones as the most important things in your life, such as the love of your husband or wife, your family, or your health. Without any of these your life would be much poorer. Think of the chips as the good things in your life, such as your job, your house, your car. They are fine to have, but you could live without them. The sand represents the un-necessary things we strive to get, like the latest DVD player or the designer gear we just have to buy. All completely un-necessary in the bigger picture. So remember, always give the stones the priority, because if you place the chips or sand first, there will never be any room for the really important things in life."

The Young Good Bastard stands up and walks to the front of the lecture theatre. He pulls out a bottle of Good Bastards Beer, whips off the cap and pours it into the jar. Hethen turns to the class and says. "No matter how full your life is, there is always room for a bloody good beer."

Not just a rough head, our Bloody Leo.

GOOD BASTARDS RUGBY WORLD CUP We are underway with our version of The Rugby World Cup. Go to the Good Bastards World Cup to find out more. If you haven't got a team, but would like to play anyway, email me on paddy@goodbastards.com We have had quite a few good positive enquiries even though it's been heard it'll never happen. Well, that's ok. While they are slanting us, the heat's off some other poor bastard. I have dealt with those sorts of arseholes all my life and they only serve as fuel to prove them wrong. We have a good program planned with some great social events and bloody good rugby

Ian Paterson in Nelson sent this one in

Two soldiers were patrolling the streets for the 10pm curfew.

One of them espies a civilian walking home.

He picks up his rifle, aims, fires and shoots the civilian clean through the head.

"Geez," sez his mate, "what the hell do you think your doing. It's only 9:45."

"It's alright," replies the other. "I know where he lives and he would never have made it."

Greg Davidson

Greg was among the first to join up with Good Bastards in Australia. Bit of clever bastard really. Among his many talents he is a bit of a songwriter and muso.

He has submitted the first entry in the Good Bastard song contest. Bloody well done. Listen to Greg's Song (1.2Mb)

Have you got any song writing skills? Can you sing? Either way, go to Win Free Stuff on our control panel and check out that competition and others listed there.

Greg also submitted this slogan for our slogan competition, complete with Graphics.

Bloody Good Stuff Greg. Keep up the great work.

Milestone imminent

A milestone in the life of The Good Bastards Web Site is imminent. As I type this on Monday morning, we are sitting on 9909 visits to our site. Sometime today, tomorrow at the latest, we will hit 10,000.

It has taken 36 weeks to get there. That's an average of 277.77 visits per week. Lately, that's risen to more than 400 a week. It will be interesting to all Good Bastards, how long it takes to get to 20,000!

To everyone who has visited, especially those who keep coming back, a very big thank you.
We have a long way to go to achieve our goals and we are sure as hell moving towards them.

Get Your Good Bastards Rugby Jersey before it's too late

Here is what they look like only they have a black collar and the Good Bastard Logo on the front.

The Good Bastards Rugby Jerseys are getting closer. At the moment we are taking reservations for the exclusive edition. There will only be 100 jerseys ever, and you will receive a special certificate of authentication.

They cost NZ$159 each, or only NZ$135 if you are a member of The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards which is free to join. Click here.

The Good Bastards Rugby Jerseys make great gifts, great items to raffle and a treasure that will go up in value in the future.

Get in the Good Bastards Squad of 100
Order your's today. Jerseys@GoodBastards.com

Good Bastards Hall of Fame
Steve Bennett

I've never met Steve Bennett, and yet I know a fair bit about him. You see, Steve was one of the first visitors to the site and has contributed in many ways to the Good Bastards organisation.

He was the very first member in The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards. Not only that, he won the first fifty bucks for our monthly joke competition.

He also won the competition we had to see who could introduce the most people into The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards. He was responsible for ten people enrolling and won the ten six packs of beer. He regularly sends in great gags, many we have used, and others that we'll use in the future.

You could say he gets behind what we are about. If folk like him, and many others like him, didn't do this, the whole thing would quickly flounder and fall on its arse.

Steve was born and bred in Brighton, south of Dunedin. He still lives there with his partner Glenys. He works for the lottery grants board and has been there for thirteen years.

He plays a bit of social golf and is keen on fishing, whitebaiting, diving and basically anything that gets him outdoors.

His motto in life is "Life is too short not to enjoy yourself."

Steve, it gives me great pleasure to welcome you into the Hall of Fame and I commend you on your efforts in supporting us in what you have done.

Good Bastards Hall Of Fame Nominations

Nominate someone you think deserves to be listed in THE GOOD BASTARDS HALL OF FAME?
Click Here to get full details

The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards
Join up in our ever-expanding worldwide group

Absolutely Useless Bastard,
sent in by Hippie

Hippie knows this woman. How he knows her I have no way of knowing, but she was getting married and a few days after the wedding she went crying home to mum. Now I don't know the husbands name, but it just might have been Steve.

Anyway, the new wife says to her mother, "Steve keeps using these four letter words mum, what should I do?

"What are the words he's using?" her Mum asks.

They are so bad mum that I can't repeat them."

"Now dear, I'm your mother. I have to know if I'm to help."

"But mum, they are just so terrible they are beyond belief. I can't even think the words."

"Come on dear, let's work through this."

"Oh alright, they are wash, dust, work, iron."

            Life Style Hotel            

Well, after ten and half years, they are selling the bastard. So here's your opportunity to own one of the few life style hotels in New Zealand.

Here's the ad they are about to run. If you're quick, you can get to the negotiating table first.

Good Bastards Cartoons

We are seeking to sell our cartoons to publications anywhere. If you are looking for cartoons to enhance your newsletter, then you can buy a CD with 24 cartoons in colour and Black and White. Costs AUS$49 with the rights to reproduce in your designated newsletter. Magazines, web sites and newspapers should enquire for a quote stating frequency and publication numbers should they want to publish the Good Bastards cartoons.

Bloody Leo

Bloody Leo: Have you ever heard of a virgin lake?

Paddy: No, what is that?'

Bloody Leo: It's a lake that a woman has never swum in and all the fish taste like chicken.

Sir Mick

Bloody hell; Mick Jagger just got the big Gong from Liz in the Queen Liz awards.

[Not a patch on the Good Bastards Awards at the Good Bastards Day on November the 5th at the Southland Hotel Hokitika NZ]

Wonder what he got it for? Services to women? Smoking more dope than any other Rock Star on the planet? Or maybe Liz can't, "Get No Satisfaction" from Phil and here's the big hint.

Whatever the reason, good onya Mick. You still have it strutting around on the stage Like Bloody Leo when he's locked out the house for getting pissed after Golf and not remembering it was the kids birthday, they were going out for dinner, he had to go home or any number of reasons that have seen the ole Leo doing the Rubber Lips Strut.

Hooter

Hooter: Do you know what's so good about dating a homeless girl?

Paddy: No, pray tell?

Hooter: You can drop her off anywhere.

Little Bit of Heaven

Frank and Barbara Ash own a little bit of Heaven and it's somewhere you spend a bit of quality time. Called The Breakers, it is right on the Beach just north of Greymouth with fantastic views of the coastline and rolling sea. It's a class act when it comes to accommodation. So treat yourself. Go stay there you Good Bastards.

Go check it out on www.breakers.co.nz
Email them on frank@breakers.co.nz
Or Snail mail: PO Box 188 Greymouth

Frank has submitted our most recent entry in The Good Bastards Gold Nugget Competition. He has furnished a great yarn. Where is your's, you useless bastard sitting out there stroking your chin and saying I must get around to that.

To win you have to submit a Good Bastards story or a story of a "Good Bastard". The winner will be announced at the Southland Hotel Hokitika on Good Bastards Day 2002 Complete your story in a thousand words or less, and submit with the completed entry form (Click Here) Closes 15 October 2002

The Good Bastards Gold Nugget is a rare and famous nugget that West Coast gold miner and all-round Good Bastard, Evan Birchfield found by chance on his gold mine near Ross on the South Island of New Zealand.

57 year old joins up

While that is by no means our oldest member, 57-year-old Ross Nichol from Lawrence and his wife Judy have just joined up in The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards.

Now Ross got the mention in the Good Bastards book and rightly so. He is the one with hands like legs of pork and his brother filled up with the shotgun pellets.

His wife Judith was in my first Holy Communion class. The interesting thing is that both of us had the top jobs on the day. She was suppose to lead the girls to the alter, and I was supposed to lead the boys.

Well, I was feeling a bit crook on the day as 8 year olds can when they are thrust into the limelight. Rather than do the big "Watch Under" on the church floor I bailed out there followed by a flurry of nuns.

Not quite sure why, but Judy also bailed and finished up outside with me and the panicking nuns.

John Bar from Waitah did an admirable job that day, filling in as leader of the pack for me. Not sure who lead the young ladies.

We all finished up at the breakfast banquet in the convent eating pink hard-boiled eggs and toast

Get in the Good Bastards 1st Fifteen The Good Bastards Rugby Jersey is now available as described earlier in this News Bulletin. The numbers one to fifteen have been retained for promotional purposes or very special Good Bastards. Here is your chance to get Jersey Number 7. It's simple. All you have to do is be the person who enrols the most new members in The Most Recent Order Of Good Bastards. It closes July the 10th

Little Paddy

Paddy: Please miss, I have hurt my finger. Have you got any cider?

Teacher: Why do you want cider?

Paddy: Well, the waitress at the shop said if she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider.

Pat Condon Speaks out

Pat Condon: "What can cows do that woman can't?"

Paddy: "I give up, what?"

Pat Condon: "Walk around with their tits in water without getting their fannies wet."

(Is this why you sold the farm Pat?)

The Aussie, the Yank and the Kiwi

The Aussie, the Yank and the Kiwi were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Kiwi said, "In New Zealand we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Aussie said, "That's nothing, we have sheilas with fannys this big." He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.

"How do you do the business then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch."

Last word from Paddy

Now it's easy to like some bastards and hard to like others. Well, one of the bastards I have a bit of trouble liking is Telstra.. Notwithstanding there are heaps and heaps of Good Bastards I have met that work for the bastards.

Somehow they continually rub me up the wrong way. They stuff it up when you shift phone lines. Charge way too much to use the phone. Cut your bloody phone off when you're in the shit. As if being in the shit isn't bad enough.

Now I have sprung the bastards with a complete rort here in Australia. When you ring up directory assistance for a number, the advertised number is 12455 and it costs 30 cents or so.

Now here is the sting. Telstra are obliged by law to have a free number and they do. They just never tell any bastard about it. Here it is, 1223. So from now on take the freebie off the robbing bastards.

Now we know why they shifted from the 013 that every bastard knew and used for years.

You know they now have viagra eye drops, for when you want to to take a good hard look at yourself.

Until next week, you keep smiling and remember while you're laughing, nothing is bad. So laughter is the answer to all the crook things that happen.

This week's wacky site

www.thoughtfortheday.com
Clever bastard who ever put this together. Good stuff, soppy stuff and all in between. There will be one in there at least you need to take notice of.